aamna-theinkslinger

[aamna-theinkslinger]

having a bit of an ego is essential to the artistic process

[aamna-theinkslinger]

thinking about how Robin alludes to everything falling apart early in the book but then you realize he specifically meant that the world broke in half when Ramy died and it's never been the same

[aamna-theinkslinger]

Andrew had shit to do this afternoon, but for the past hour, he’s been trapped in a beanbag chair by Neil’s sleeping body weight. He doesn’t even have the remote in reaching distance, so he can’t change the channel away from ESPN.

Neil — whose legs are across Andrew’s lap — is going to be so mad when Andrew fails his sociology paper and gets kicked off the team because their captain couldn’t locate his own mattress.

Whatever. Neil’s head is on his shoulder, so Andrew amuses himself by wrapping a particularly ringlet-y curl of Neil’s around his finger and stretching it, letting it spring back into place again and again. Neil’s arm is draped loosely over Andrew’s middle, so Andrew keeps two fingers pressed to his wrist, lulled into patience by the steady beat of Neil’s pulse.

Suddenly, Neil twitches. A short, startled whine punches out of parted lips, muffled against Andrew’s collarbone.

“Neil,” Andrew says firmly, and Neil curls in toward the sound of his voice, fingers gripping at the fabric of Andrew’s shirt.

“Baby gator bit my ankle,” Neil mumbles.

Andrew, who had been steeling himself for the resurgence of a gory memory or a dream-induced panic attack, finds himself huffing in amusement.

“No, it didn’t,” Andrew says.

The tension bleeds out of Neil immediately.

“Oh,” he says, and then his breathing evens out once again.

When Andrew looks up, Kevin’s imperious face is on the screen — ESPN has decided to torture Andrew with a segment on the National Exy League’s star rookie. Andrew sighs, rests his cheek on the top of Neil’s head, and resigns himself to the reality of the moment.

[aamna-theinkslinger]

Said this before but there's something about Baz not really feeling close to anyone, feeling completely disconnected from his surroundings ("because he's dead and he can't connect with the living, they all have something he doesn't have" he says, talking about vampirism, but it's also how good ol' depression can be like) while Simon is obsessed with being close to him, specifically. All that following him around everywhere, keeping tabs on him, growing restless if Baz isn't around or if he doesn't know what Baz is doing – already telling us he's concerned about Baz's safety and wellbeing – wanting to be on Baz's mind as much as Baz is in his own, wanting to be part of Baz's hobbies. Wanting to be the person who knows him best, and fighting for that whenever he feels he has competition for Baz's heart.

I'm equally thrilled and haunted by “as soon as Baz is unhappy, I can’t think of anything else,” which Simon shares in awtwb alongside something like "I want to make it better. The mere idea is very thrilling to me." I don't doubt Simon would've been obsessed with Baz regardless because is Baz, but this stands out in hindsight, because Baz was in a constant state of sadness... And Simon thought about him all the time. Again, he was obsessed either way... but Baz’s sadness must have driven him crazy (it’s another thing where they match, as Simon carries profound sadness too) (Watford and being a hero brings happiness for Simon, but he’s desperately holding on to roles and expectations that do make him miserable. Heteronormativity fucks him up.)

Can't help but wonder about Simon's "Baz has only 3 expressions and they're all variations of disgust towards me" ... because we know he's bullshitting. At this point, he has been "observing Baz's soul" (which he uses as an argument as Baz "being alive" later in CO) meaning that he knows very well Baz has much more depth. That he feels much more deeply. He has seen it in the catacombs. He has heard it in his music, he has seen it in the ways he plays, in the passion with which he studies, etc etc. It must’ve been one of his greatest desires, inaccessible and impossible to decode to the Simon he was back then, for the alluring, competent little jerk he was rooming with to look at him with anything other than a practiced mask of "disdain." For him to let Simon in (Simon not listening to Baz basically confessing he's a vampire because Baz is pushing him away vs being all ears when he's letting him in) instead of having Simon follow him everywhere (when Simon thinks he's enchanted by him and would follow him anywhere in WS, it hits, because he has been that all along, hasn't he.) For him to not be so pained all the time (Simon notes, when Baz plays his violin after they have sex, that he didn't even know it could make happy sounds, that it always sounded sad in Watford).

Where Baz feels cold and disconnected, Simon yearns to connect with him (to keep him warm. It's a whole thing, Simon noticing his literal coldness and using his own body to warm him up, with hands, with lips) Awtwb brings up lots of desires, including those that have been buried for a long time. And one of those is the following: Simon wants Baz to be happy. And he wants to be the one making him happy.

[aamna-theinkslinger]

"Look at me."

Illustration from Chapter 3 of Someone Wicked

[aamna-theinkslinger]

“But I also want to do this, whatever it is that works between us. With Agatha, it – ” 

Even in isolation, this packs so much. Because of the way it’s written, you can fill in the blanks pretty easily. “With Agatha, it (wasn’t like this)” 

In this part, Simon is telling us he’s too turned on to think, he’s so in love (“I love him, I love him” – the repetition is both emphasis and his thoughts being derailed because of sexual desire… he doesn’t have the mental capacity to be poetic here, he simply repeats it). “But I also want to do this” is not calling back to “I wanted to, until I didn’t,” or something, which he uses to express how he tried (but failed) to have sex with Baz before, otherwise Agatha would not be brought up at all. If it was about “failed attempts” at intimacy with Baz, it would have been about how he can do this, rather than he wants to do this, because wanting it isn’t new when it’s with Baz (Simon has thought and said he wants sex with Baz plenty of times, highlighting that lack of wanting was not at all the problem). “I’m so turned on I can’t even think, I’m so in love, I also want to do this” is redundant. “Romantic love” + “lust” = “desire for sex” is obvious enough you don’t need to spell it out. No need for a “but” there. 

“But I also want to do this,” with emphasis on do does indicate that there was a time he didn’t want to do this… Follow that with “With Agatha” and there’s your answer. It’s only when the comparison it’s done with Agatha that “I want to do this” is a new thing that needs to be highlighted in italics. “With Agatha, it (wasn’t like this) (I didn’t want to do it) (it didn’t work)” … you keep going back that paragraph in order, and you even have “(I wasn’t in love) (I wasn’t turned on at all)”

This is about sex, and we get Simon expressing how he actually felt about having it with Agatha without outright saying it, including the fact that he interrupts the thought with “no, never mind, that doesn’t matter” … because he doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to think or process that, he doesn’t treasure the memory, he doesn’t want it in his head, and he doesn’t want to give it any importance. He dismisses it, he wants to leave it behind. That scene in Fangirl where Baz goes “have you ever done this before?” and Simon goes “not when I actually wanted it,” which the author has shared as informing Simon’s sexuality and experiences are encapsulated in this. In “But I actually want to do this.” 

I have posted about this before, but I was thinking about this again because, while this is about sex… it’s not just about sex. It also applies to the relationships. With Agatha, he didn’t have any romantic or sexual feelings, so he didn’t actually want to do “this”–“this” being his role of boyfriend. “It’s not my job to tell her what to do” is clearly disinterest, avoidance. “I never put her first” acknowledging this isn’t how a relationship should work, while also never concerning himself with changing it. Again, disinterest and avoidance. With Baz, he wants to do “this,” whatever it is that works between them. He wants their relationship to work. Which means communication, even when it’s uncomfortable. Simon talks, even about the things he would rather not. He doesn’t go “fine, it’s not my job to tell him shit, I’m not his boss” in SFC when Baz is upset and goes out to get some space. He immediately apologizes when Baz comes back. He doesn’t just go “I got it wrong” or linger in that line of thought because they had a discussion – he extends an olive branch when things cool off, even if he’s not fully getting it yet. There’s no avoidance; Simon is making the effort to make it work. Simon telling Baz “whatever you want, always” when discussing their Christmas strategy is not just a romantic gesture, it’s also about wanting to put Baz first. 

[aamna-theinkslinger]

still a bit insane to me how sasuke didn’t know for so long that naruto broke the seal because of him. they meet at the reunion and he sees kurama and is like “i didn’t know you had such thing in you” my guy because you weren’t awake to witness the best gay awakening in media

[aamna-theinkslinger]

My dear boys deserved to know only happy moments like this with each other:

The way they are each others positive motivations. They were always the happiest together. For a moment, Sasuke probably forgot about Itachi, Naruto wasn't thinking about being the kyuubi, they were both just training with a friend.

Sasuke worried about Naruto 😭:

[aamna-theinkslinger]

You don’t own fanfics. They’re inherently public domain because they aren’t your IP. Agree or disagree with AI, there are no grounds for “protection” from AI because it isn’t your IP to begin with. That’s what you chose when you chose this medium

Oh dear.

Okay, you get an answer, because at least you took the effort to write your ask out properly, even if you are hiding behind the grey, sunglassed circle.

Do I, or any fanfic author for that matter, have any legal claims to our work? No, not really, no. (Although if someone took a fic, filed off the serial number--deleted the fandom specific elements--, and then had it published for financial gain, yeah, that would be a case.)

BUT

Fandoms are built on a social contract that says we respect each others work, the effort people put into their art. We don't steal or disrespect the work of our peers. By feeding people's fanworks to AI you both steal and disprect it, and we need to make people realize that before it's too late--before fandom falls apart, because there will be no more real, actual fanworks.

Disrepectfully,

Orlissa

(i can't believe I have to say this)

[aamna-theinkslinger]

Fanfiction is becoming people’s primary form of entertainment right now because most media right now is so cheap, bland, recycled, and sponsored by people who love money more than the source material. Fanfiction is written for free by people who genuinely love what they’re writing about. That’s why it’s better. That’s why it’s more satisfying. Fanfiction is a home-cooked meal made for yourself and for your friends. Media today is junky fast food spoiled by too much grease and the knowledge that the people producing it are being criminally mistreated and underpaid. 

[aamna-theinkslinger]

hi everyone i updated my fic master list for the first time in years, so check that out if you’re looking for reading material! would like to recommend crossed out, which i’ve decided is one of the best things i’ve ever written, and also acoustic (the nerve ending remix), which is cute tbh

[aamna-theinkslinger]

“yOu HaVeN’t rEaD tHe cLaSsiCs”

oh. i’ve read the classics.

[aamna-theinkslinger]

Neil when Andrew only let in 13 goals from 150 shots on net:

[aamna-theinkslinger]

I could write a whole essay about this, but.

Fanfiction as a collective exists as a combination of the ideal state and all the broken pieces that are left behind. Fanfiction shows us all the things that should have happened, if the world was a little bit kinder: someone adopts Harry Potter, the Avengers live domestically together, people fall in love and admit it. Fanfiction says, things are awful but we’re kind anyway, because we can be, because kindness costs little and gives much. It is democracy at its best, a collection of people solving problems together, solving plotholes and heartbreaks and deaths, a conversation of solution responding to solution because the whole of fandom is, itself, its own canon.

But at the same time, fanfiction is about all of those holes and jagged edges and wounds left unhealed, about what happens when the war is over and everyone who’s left needs to go back home. It’s about the fact that surviving is usually the hardest part, and we rarely get to choose what’s done to us but we do get to choose how we survive afterwards. It’s about the child soldiers who no longer have a war, and about the trauma of getting past the trauma you’ve survived. It’s about injury and depression and PTSD. It’s about recovery, yes, but also about those things that do not recover, those things that will never recover. It is a reminder that we live in a world where many people don’t get white picket fences and 2.5 kids and a happily ever after, but also a reminder that there is life beyond that, survival, yes, but also life. It is a reminder that characters’ lives don’t end with the last page and nor too do people’s lives end with their trauma, but that after that hurt comes comfort and healing and putting one foot in front of another because the best way to get through hell is to keep going.

[aamna-theinkslinger]

Hey guys, happy black history month!

I hate to beg but I recently went back to college and I’m paying super high interest rates for loans because I’m an immigrant and I don’t have a super lengthy credit history. 

You might recognize these from edits/pinterest/telegram etc. I made them! So if you’ve ever wanted to support my work, you can share this post around and/or tip me on ko-fi. anything is super appreciated and goes towards my student loans ♡ 

ko-fi.com/swordknight

[aamna-theinkslinger]

just read every single one of your fics and prompts. ur so good i literally love everything you’ve ever written ever. would you be able to write (or recommend if you don’t fancy writing it) some wymack just being so good to neil and or andrew? being there for them, understanding them, i love parental wymack

hi anon 🧡 ty for being so nice!!! it has been a while since you asked this question, sorry. ive read a lot of excellent portrayals of wymack, but i don’t know that i could name any fics that really focus on this? as you probably know, i wrote one wymack pov fic, but it’s still mostly about andreil hahaha.

ANYWAY. i know you said parental, but i was kinda thinking abt the very unique role he serves. And I did write a little scene abt Andrew’s midnight break-ins to Wymack’s apartment 🤪 cw for vague mentions of past abuse/self-harm.

rated t, <1k

“And here’s the real kicker, Coach.”

Wymack is fairly certain that the information Andrew is about to deliver will not be the kicker. He’s fairly certain that it will only lead Andrew to another line of outrage about the thing he is always rattling on about these days when he breaks into Wymack’s liquor cabinet: Neil Josten.

“He doesn’t even listen to music!” Andrew says. “I know you see him running on that treadmill too, eyes glazed over like a goddamn zombie. I heard Boyd offer to let him borrow his iPod, and he went, ‘oh, no thanks, I don’t listen to music.’ And Boyd kept pushing him, trying to find out if he liked an obscure genre or something. But he is ambivalent to it. Be honest, Coach — did he grow up in some kind of satanic cult? Is he brainwashed? Is he going to hear some code word and go ape shit on us?”

Andrew is lying on his back on the sofa, dirty boots on the arm rest and a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand. He’d made significant progress on it before Wymack even got home, and Wymack can see it flushing his cheeks and ringing around his eyes.

Wymack has dealt with a lot of fucked up kids, but in some ways, Andrew is one of the most difficult. It’s not the violence or the bad manners or the obstinance — Wymack can deal with that shit all day long.

It’s nights like this that make Andrew such a challenge in Wymack’s head: Why does Andrew come here? What is he looking for? What has Wymack done to earn this frankly irritating privilege — and how can he make sure he doesn’t squash it?

Andrew doesn’t talk to anyone. Betsy doesn’t tell Wymack much about the kids, but even she has expressed worry at the layers of repression Andrew seems to hold.

But sometimes here, between casting Neil in various villainous roles or complaining about Kevin or stating his grievances with Palmetto State’s meal options, Andrew drops in something real. A comment about getting slapped by a foster mother. A crude joke about the scars Wymack already knows are on his arms. Hints toward some kind of big secret that Andrew seems to dangle in the air between.

It’s always casual. It always feels like a test. Wymack doesn’t know if he passes or fails — Andrew always just finds his next tangent and moves on.

Wymack rubs his temples. He must take too long to offer a grunt to indicate he’s listening, because Andrew looks over to where Wymack sits in his armchair.

“I don’t think Neil is religious,” Wymack finally offers.

“But would we really know?” Andrew asks. He sighs, dramatic, turning his head away again. “He doesn’t add up.”

“He’s hiding things,” Wymack agrees. “So is everyone else on the team.”

“Yes, but everyone else on the team isn’t as interesting.” Andrew brings the bottle to his lips again. “He’s a threat. But it would be less of a problem if he wasn’t so nice to look at. It’s very distracting.”

Well. Wymack didn’t see that coming.

Maybe he should have.

Andrew keeps his eyes on the ceiling, but the air is charged as he waits for Wymack’s reaction. Wymack holds in a heavy breath.

“Maybe you’re looking so much that you’re seeing stuff that isn’t there,” Wymack says.

“Ha,” Andrew says, but there’s little amusement in his voice. He tips his face toward Wymack, pointing with the bottle in his hands. “That’s a good one, Coach. But no. He’s definitely up to something, and I’m going to figure it out. How far is Millport from Area 51?”

“Far enough,” Wymack says.

Andrew hums. “He’s pretty fast. Maybe he escaped containment there and ran.”

Wymack snorts. “Report back when you’ve exhausted that theory. Preferably not in the middle of the fucking night.”

Andrew laughs. It’s not a joyful sound, but it’s familiar.

The are boundaries he’s supposed to maintain, and he knows Andrew wouldn’t want to have rules bent for him. The minute Wymack gives Andrew an open-door policy, he’ll never see him again. He’ll never get to see if he’s passing Andrew’s tests — he’ll never figure out if there’s something he can do.

So he’ll play the role. It’s not hard — he’s old and grumpy and tired. He’ll listen to Andrew bitch, even when it’s about these other kids whose names weigh heavy in his chest.

Maybe it will pay off, maybe it won’t. But this is the job. He has to be okay with these odds — they’re the best he’s going to get.

[aamna-theinkslinger]