a-day-in-the-life-of-dulce

[a-day-in-the-life-of-dulce]

  How my biggest heartbreak changed my life

     September 5th, 2016, was a regular day in my life. Weather was great, school was just around the corner, as well as my favorite “sweater weather season.” I was with my best guy friend that day and we made plans to go out to the bar that night before the semester started. I got ready in a matter of seconds, headed over to his place to pick him up, and before we knew it, we were at the Hub Again Bar drinking away.

     Tinder was a big thing for me at the time. Couple weeks prior to this day, I had recently broken up with my six year boyfriend for maybe the thousandth time and I felt like it was indeed time to move on. After a bunch left swipes, I finally found someone who I thought was cute and wanted to “talk” too. Who would have known this was the day I was going to meet the love of my life.

     After a few drinks and talking to my friend, let’s call him, Bill, I found the courage to invite the tinder guy, Anthony, over to have a drink with us. He ACTUALLY came! I met him outside to help him look for parking and my god, was I nervous. He was even more attractive in person. We finally found parking and entered the bar to where my friend was at. I introduced them and Bill knowing how much of an introvert I am asked Anthony to play a few games of pool.

     Night went on and I made the occasional small talk. After a few hours it was time to go and he drove me home. We stopped at the corner across my building and it was time to say our goodbyes. He must’ve liked my quietness or something because he gave me a long, soft, sweet kiss and said we’d see each other again soon. When he kissed me all I could feel were sparks everywhere. Who would have known.

     Later that week I saw him a couple times. He traveled 45 minutes to me and back home every time he would come see me. This guy was really making the effort. He was amazing, charming, such a gentleman, and made me feel like a queen every second of the day, even if we were miles apart. I got to know him a little more each day and I was starting to fall in love.

     A couple days later, September 11, 2016, my brother passed away unexpectedly. I didn’t know who to turn to and I eventually called him for a bit of comfort. Had some days to myself, family, and friends, and after a few days we hung out again. I met his family and they were the sweetest and very comforting. We had a great connection and bit by bit I was opening up to them.  

     Since the day I met him, which at this point was only a few weeks, I felt as if though I had known him for months. I had already fallen in love with him but I wasn’t about to admit that. He’d probably think I was crazy since we basically just met. We ended up having a convo about our feelings and what was going on because a few of my insecurities were coming in. Our feelings were mutual and on October 1st, 2016, we made it official. He wrote a cute “agreement” which we both signed and just like that we were in a relationship. That was the greatest day of my life. 

     Days, months, went by and I was still in the honeymoon phase. Of course we had our problems once in a while, all relationships do. I, however, do admit I was insecure and jealous from time to time. I remember one of the worst days was at his mom’s house for his nephew’s birthday. A really pretty girl came in and he was, in a way, all over her. He didn’t introduce me, basically didn’t acknowledge my existence and so I got mad and called him out on it. Huge fight but that was that. 

     Another day was with his sister’s friend. Now she was always trying to get his attention. He wouldn’t give it to her per say, but there were times where he acknowledged her and that unfortunately made me furious. There’s no explanation as to why I was that way, or excuse, I should say, but I was just afraid of losing him.

     A month or two later, on June, 4th, 2017, he broke up with me. No explanation, no arguing had happened in weeks, just a random day he broke up with me. Just. Like. That. I was devastated and extremely heartbroken. I was lost, I felt as if my whole world came crashing down. He stopped talking to me and I didn’t know a thing about him. I would say six months passed by and we spoke again. My naive self went back in hopes of him giving me another chance. After a while he stopped talking to me again and there I went back to square one. 

     This toxic habit of mine, trying to get him back, happened about three times, then I found out he had left me for a new person each time. That ruined me until the third time. I wasn’t surprised anymore and I expected it. It still hurt but I was already “used to” it. I was dumb to think he would change and want to be with me. That was him being selfish and knowing he had power over me because I “loved” him. I learned the hard way.

     Til this day, two years, about to be three years later, I haven’t been with anyone else in that level. Yes, I have had my fun, met people, dated a couple, but no one has been able to take his place. I wouldn’t say I am still in love with him because those feelings are long gone, but even though I’m not hurting anymore, I still can’t find myself being with anyone else after him. I feel scared for the most part. I feel as if though I will ruin everything again and be left because of it. I don’t want to go through that heartache again. It was the worst I had experienced. A deep connection I had with someone ended in a matter of seconds. I rather be alone than to go through that again. That’s how my biggest heartbreak changed my life. I’m afraid of opening up to someone, afraid of allowing someone to have the power to destroy me emotionally, which in all honesty, it shouldn’t be that way.

     Maybe I’ll fall in love again, eventually, with the right person. Someone who I’m not afraid of opening up to but until then, I’ll focus on me, my happiness and my future. Everything else is in God’s hands and I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.

#heartbreak #timehealsall