5point9million-blog

[5point9million-blog]

Bacon, Eggs, Grits With Toast

In the literary universe that I am creating this breakfast signifies a new beginning.  I find it kind of funny that this new beginning or new chapter of my life is starting because of a bunch of confusion.  I believe that I mentioned the conversation that I had with Trenece the other day.  On how refreshing it was to talk to her but yet at the same time it felt still kind of weird and off-putting.  It kind of let me know that we were still “together” but yet at the same time... she is still not really talking to me and I haven’t really got to spend any time with her.  Of course, that makes me feel some type of way.  Especially because the only thing I find myself doing is going to work and coming back home.  This week I am on the schedule for 6 days (working 7 days straight).  Of course, I am getting a lot of hours... but yet at the same time I have no life at all.  So that just means that I can just save money.  Especially because I am not spending any time with Trenece and since we don’t talk.  She doesn’t ask me for anything... that and the simple fact that she is making her own money now.

3 things that happened that really threw me for a loop.

1. Was the conversation that I had with Trenece yesterday.

Yesterday, I had got up and went to the gym.  Then I went to the store and bought some toothpaste and a toothbrush and some new headphones.  Then I went to Subway and got a sub. Came home, ate my sandwich and took a nap.  Then I got up and took a shower.  While I was in the shower, Trenece had called me.  After I looked at my phone and noticed that she had called, I called her back.

I explained to her that I was in the shower and getting ready for work and asked her what’s up.  Then she told me that someone had called her the night before and told her that I said to call her.  Immediately, I told her no.  I had absolutely no idea who this person was and why would they tell her something like that.  I told her that I would never ask of something like that from somebody.  Especially if I have her number.  I told her that everything was everything and nothing has really changed since the last time we spoke other than the simple fact that I got a new toothbrush.

Then she said that she just want to call just to check in and see how everything was going.  She went on to tell me that she is still trying to figure out how to navigate her life with this new job and how to incorporate a personal life in it.  Especially because since she has a car, everyone is trying to depend on her to be their shofer.  So I explained to her again that I have been working crazy hours at work and the people at my house are still accusing me of owing money for rent.  And that I have been actively looking for a new place to stay.  And that I am tired of living underneath the Oxford House thumb for this long.

That was basically the whole conversation.

So she said that she would call me back and then we hung up.  I got off feeling pretty good about myself.  Yet I couldn’t shake this funny feeling that I had.  There are only 2 people in this world that I would ever ask such a task of telling Trenece to call me and that would be her sister and Chantel.  Yet ever since we started talking again, I have been in the practice of telling less about what is going on in our relationship to people in general.  Like I said to her, if I had an issue I would just bring it to her directly.  So, it got me wondering on just who this mystery person was and why would they say something like that??  On top of the simple fact of the way that Trenece had presented this accusation in the first place.  She said someone as if there are a decent group of mutual acquaintances that we share and talk to on a daily basis that I feel comfortable with to even ask of such a request.  And that this group is so massive that the person to whom she was referring to simply slipped her mind just because she went to sleep before fulfilling this request.

So the thought of this conversation actually baffled my mind and perplexed me a bit.  Truth be told, I just brushed it off as her just trying to find some kind of segway into having a random conversation with me to see how I was doing and what I was doing without having her to seem as if she missed me or wondered about me.  I think the fact that I am not blowing up her phone or sending her all these thirsty ass text messages telling her I miss her is having her think that maybe I am moving on.  Which is simply not the case.  I am just taking the time to relax and get myself together... which leads me to the 2nd thing.

2, The interactions will people in public.

So I go to work and I am about a good hour early.  I sit in the lobby and play my game and try to hit some folks up about a place to stay because this is really starting to get to me.  Ebbie asks me to cash app her some money to her card so she can take an Uber home.  She gives me $30 in cash and rolls out.  I clock in and I am really having a hard time on the line for some reason.  I eventually place myself on the front line register and from there I pretty much stay for the rest of the evening.  After that, I break down the lobby side of the line and clean it very thurow. (IDK)... Last night we planned a cleaning party where we all stayed late and cleaned the store in all its cracks and crevesess just because this week is core week and we all want to get a good score.  That is really not my concern so much.  I mean at the end of the day, I try to make myself core-ready every day.  So I really don’t have to prepare myself when the people actually do come.

With the conversation that I had with Trenny and the way our relationship is right now.  I was a bit off.  The funny thing is is that even though I am unsure about our relationship status, two things I continue to do.  (1) Is I continue to act as if we are still together.  And that is because I know how rumors work.  Especially in such a public environment.  All I have to do is do something or say something that is contrary to us actually being in a relationship and it will automatically cause a butterfly effect of negativity in which I would either have to do damage control or just suffer the consequences.  I have had too much happen within these past couple of months to make things worse.  

The second thing is not really something that I do but something that is happening to me.  I feel like there is a barrier between me and other females.  It really started building itself when me and Trenece were having sex frequently.  It was as if my body became satisfied with just her and even though I find other females attractive... I have no desire to actually be with them or pursue anything with them.  I found myself behind the counter and I’m noticing the interaction I am with these females that I find attractive.  I am having a very nice conversation.  We are kind of flirting back and forth but yet at the same time I am kind of playing nieve and at the same time acting as if it’s all for the customer service.  Which in part it is but the other half is truly just to pass the time and enjoy these attractive women’s company for the time being.  Again, I have no desire to be with these people but just having the conversation and being helpful is pleasing to me.

Even Ashley is egging me on.  Every chance she gets she rubs my ass or pushes her body against me.  And the odd thing is is that just a few months ago that motion would make my dick hard and make me want to see what she is about.  Yet with so many attempts at trying for her hand and failing.  Plus that is established that I am with Trenece that nobody could even foresee me going anywhere with her or doing anything.  I believe the only reason why she does these sorts of things is because I don’t give her the reaction that she wants from me.

She is a tease.

She likes hanging men on a string and leaves them dangling until she is ready (if she is ever) to do her bidding.  Me on the other hand, I not only don’t give her the satisfaction... I respond apathetically as if I don’t care either way... in most cases I don’t.  In some cases, I want to pursue something with her but yet I always know it ain’t gonna go anywhere.  So I play the role of Trenece’s boyfriend  and leave it at that.  And again, this all due to the simple fact that this barrier has been placed up and particularly don’t mind. Why??  Because of the simple fact that I can now live life without the pressures of trying to fit in or be with someone or act like someone in order to fit in a feel normal.  I can just be me and people seem to like the person that I am right now. sober.

I ended up cleaning up and leaving at 2:55 am and everybody else left around five.  I never really took a break and nobody really even seemed to notice either.  I just went along with the flow.  Sharae (the store manager) collected money and got some Papa John’s.  The funny thing about that was that I actually had money to help pay for it.  And that was only because I did that transaction with Ebony hours before.  Again, me just going with the flow.  It’s almost the same thing with Ebbie though... of course it’s not physically but more just vocal.  Her and her have this cat and mouse thing that we play but it never gets serious.  A few years ago, I tried my hand.  but the timing was off and I just didn’t have the right swag to pull her.  And now that I do, I have this damn barrier up that I may have psychologically put up myself... either that or Trenny cast a spell on me.

Either way, Ebony seems to respect my relationship with Trenece.  Most likely because of the time that we have been together.  I mean.. even though we just officially got together this year, people always have treated us as if we were a couple.  So now that we are official, the respect is more prominent than it would have been if we had just met at Clout a couple of months back.

3, I ran into Chantel last night.

While I was coming home, I went to the 711 to get some cigarettes.  And as I walked up, I saw Chantel in a car.  She was driving and just sitting there.  As I walked up, she turned as spoke to me.  I made a quick survey of the store to look at who she was with and come to find out... she was by herself.  I was telling her about my house situation and me trying to find some places to stay and the conversation that I had with Trenece.  I figured because she was one of the 2 people that she could have been talking about... I figured maybe she would have some insight.  And as always... she did not.  She just figured that maybe Trenece was playing some type of game to see just what I would say to something like that.  Which I hope not.  Because one of my pet peeves is people treating me as if I am not a habitual creature.

So, as we were talking, it finally dawns on me.  And it went something like... “You know, I really don’t want to move.  I like where I live.  I just don’t like dealing with these Oxford people any more... You know what... I think I could ask the lady who owns the house that maybe we could take on the rent and live there.  That way I don’t have to move and we all have a place to stay”

Meanwhile, I am thinking in my head the whole time.  Me and Chantel are all by ourselves late night/early in the morning.  We pretty much aint got shit to do and my house is literally feet away from where we are standing at this 711.  As  a matter of fact,  during the conversation, we both get a pack of cigarettes and then get in her car and she ends up taking me home.  Then we both smoke a cigarette in my driveway... still talking.  The whole time I am thinking that this would be the most perfect opportunity to fuck her.  Yet the barrier keeps me from pursuing or even caring to do so.  It is more like a fleeting thought that is reoccurring just because we are in the situation.  I think I said before that Trenece has hinted Chantel’s attraction towards me and the only reason why we haven’t had sex is her loyalty towards her longtime friend.

Yet, I am sitting in my driveway, and the only real thing that is keeping me from sticking my dick in her is the simple fact that no one is initiating anything.  And I think that’s the big thing right there.  Because if someone where to initiate any type of sexual advance towards me... I would bite.  But it’s the fact that I am kind of slow with it comes to certain social ques that I don’t pick up on things quick enough for certain things to happen.  Chantel could have been very well been sending me signals last night to try to get me to get her in my bed and I totally missed them.  I might have won a victory and didn’t even realize it.

I didn’t even hug her or kiss her good night and that is usually something that I always do.

Maybe I will talk about what happened today later... but that is pretty much I want to talk about today.  I just thought that all these things happening were kind of odd and I wanted to share.  Truth is that I noticed that I have rambled on more than I thought I would and I have to be at work in a couple of hours from now.  So I am just going to end it here.  Funny thing is I used to have regrets about all of these missed opportunities but now I just don’t give a fuck.

Love,

5.9 Million 

[5point9million-blog]

A Glimpse Of Hope

When I was walking to work today I was playing some song that were downloaded on my phone.  I try to play music to get me in the mood to work.  About the 3rd song in, my phone played the song I made for Trenece for her birthday a couple of years back.  I actually wrote the song and recorded it on a video in like 30 minutes.  That was back in the day when we were just close friends.  I played it for her during nap time and emailed it to her.  A couple years later, after we had reconnected, I went to the studio and recorded it and gave the CD to her for her birthday.

Listening to the song brings up a lot of different feelings.  I remember listening to it and thinking to myself, “Why would I do this for someone who obviously does not feel the same way that I feel about her?  And what is going through her mind when she listens to this song??”  It took a lot to fight through the feelings and continue on with life.  Some of the most happiest moments where when I just knew that she wasn’t coming back in my life.  That she was happy with whoever she was with at the time and it was all for the best.

But then I hear from her cousin or her sister that she is going through something and that the person she is with is “going out for self”.  That made my heart hurt knowing that she would be better off with me.  That I would be there for her and help her grow and become the woman that God intended her to be.  When she came back the very last time, I had no idea what to think,  I mean... to this day, I still worry about her leaving me and going off to do her own thing.  Especially because of what happened a couple of weeks ago.  The kids don’t seemed to be phased.  Yet that could be a big front just because they love me so much.  Deep down inside they may still harbor a fear of me at the very same time.

These past couple of weeks have been a real trial.  Having to get up and go to work and come back home and do the same thing over and over again.  Never really seeing any blessings or miracles come from it.  At my job, I am a laughing stock and everybody makes fun of me.  They laugh at everything I do and everything that I say is a joke to them.  It makes me try harder and focus on my job even more.  I try to better than I did before each day just so I can secure my spot and get my hours.  I seem to get overtime a lot lately.  So that is testament to how the managers feel about my work.

I work the front register, the drive thru and both sides of the line.  I work hard at being a team player and help out everyone as much as I can.  So much to the point were they seem to take it for granted and get mad when I tell them no... which isn’t that often.

I remember a couple of weeks ago, a few days after my last drink, Trenece’s cousin was telling me that I should just stop doing stuff for her and let her fall by herself.  She said that I should just focus on working on me and not to trip off of spending time or doing stuff with her.  

I didn’t listen.

It was just a week later that I gave her the money to be able to rent the car that she now drives for Lyft.  I know that I wrote about this is a couple of posts ago... but I just want to recap just so you know where I am coming from at this present moment.

So.... I am listening to the song and I am trying to hold on to the little bit of faith that I do have.  I want to believe that we are still together but yet the evidence of the current situation seems to be saying otherwise.  We don’t speak. We don’t spend time with each other.  And supposed to be satisfied with the conversation that she had with me a couple of weeks ago telling me that she would be “out of the loop” for a while and not to get discouraged from me not talking to her or seeing her for a while until she gets her routine down pat.

I am trying to hold on because I know that if I do and we do start to see each other again.  That we will be back and better than before just because she is making her own money and I wouldn’t have to spend so much.  So I am trying to hold on the that belief because it is the only thing that I got right now.  A deep part of me wants to explore my options with other females.  Not only has Ashley been low-key pushing up on me (literally and figuratively).  This girl, Ebony, that used to be my old assistant back at the day care now works with us.  I used to have a real bad crush on her.  She is actually one of the reasons why I started to grow my hair out.  Truth is, I’ve been friend-zoned by her for a while.  Then on top of that, she really isn’t someone that I see myself in a relationship with.  Then it’s this girl named Leslie.  She used to work at Taco Bell when I first started working there.  Long story short... she left and now she is back.  Leslie is so nice and kind and sweet to me.  Every time I she sees me she gives me a big hug and squeezes me.  She makes me feel wanted.

That’s something that I have been missing with my relationship with Trenece.

She used to be all huggy and kissy in the beginning but then as the relationship got old.  She just stopped trying as much.  And it’s funny because she would do things around people or not do things and I would just think to myself... Would (so and so) do this to their man??  And often times the answer would be no.  I look at the interactions with other couples and notice the big differences between us.  Most of them are not good are our end.  Now these are some things that I would love to talk to Trenece about but because of the current situation and what I did a couple of weeks ago... I can’t bring myself up to having these conversations with her.

I tried to call her around 5:30 yesterday evening and she didn’t answer.  I am not sure if I told you but I ran into her sister the other day.  She drove me home and we talked a little bit.  She asked me if I spoke to Trenece and I was like... no.  Haven’t seen or spoke to her since the Hershey Park trip on Saturday. (Which is one of the things that I was talking about... her not taking me home that night.)  And then I tried to make up some excuses about it being summer and her having the kids.... But then her sister told me that she didn’t have the kids.  The younger ones were out of town and the older ones went to spend the week with their grandfather.  So I was just left to assume that she was using the time to work.  So, I was like ok whatever.  Let me just do me and get myself together.

Yet at the same time, even that is kind of difficult because the money that I gave her set me back a bit and now I am just waiting on this next check to even myself out.... but I am getting ahead of myself now...

So I go to work and grind it out for a couple of hours learning how to make breakfast (the food items).  After that, I take my break and go sit on the bench hoping to gather my thoughts and prepare to grind it out for the rest of my shift.  After about ten minutes in, Trenece calls me.  We talk for about 5 to 10 minutes catching up.  Then she starts making breakfast and a whole bunch of other stuff with the girls and pretty much has me on hold.  By this time I clocked in back to work and I have my ear piece in my ear just listening to them while I work.

After a while, she comes back on the phone and she telling me how she is barely breaking even just because “everyone” is beckoning for her time just because she has a car now.  And because of that, she can barely get time in to actually work.  And because she can’t work; she cannot make any real money.  So I’m basically five-stepping her and halfway paying attention to her.  I can tell by the sound of her voice and her inflection that she misses talking to me and that she had something else to say to me but she wanted to drop the girls off first at her friend’s house first.  She said that she would call me back to which she never did.

However,  that made me feel some type of way.  It’s like a bittersweet hope.  That call just solidified that we still have a relationship.  Yet at the same time, it also means that until she gets some sort of routine down then I will have to just be alone until she does.  I was really expecting a call from her.  I knew that she would get busy.  I mean just the simple fact that she picked up the phone and called me today and stayed on the phone with me that long was good enough for me.  I am still kind of sad... but now at least I have hope.  I don’t want to be with anybody but her.  Those other females I mentioned may tickle my fancy to some degree but I would never have nothing more than sex with them... and that is just something that I cannot do.  It reminds me of Ross & Rachel on Friends.  Right now I consider this a break and I really need to take the time to get myself together and find a spot for me to live.

With that being said, so the guys of the house had a meeting today while I was at work.  I thought that kind of odd being as though that we were all in the house yesterday... but whatever.  The truth is that we are behind again in out rent.  The water and the light bill is due and even though we got another guy to move in that’s just not gonna be enough.  So the dude, Andre, said he is moving out tomorrow because he tired of all the lies that these guys have been telling folks and have been low-key sabatoging the house and enabling us to fail month after month.  I mean.. hay.. at the end of the day, it’s gonna be them that is gonna have to owe Oxford House World Services... not us.  I could leave this house and be in the clear and never lose a night’s sleep about it after today.

I started back hitting the gym and just last week I got my tiki tattoo redone and I got a spider put on my hand.  I am thinking that these will be my last tatts ever but you never know.  I have about 12 in total now and I am satisfied with the way they all look.... however I might get a couple of them covered up.  I asked my tatt man if he could do it and he was like...idk.  And the more that I think about it... I really don’t need to be throwing money away like that when I need to be saving to move.  I am also on the fence about dying my hair again.  I think I’m good but I have been saying that for the past year and I have been dying my hair every 3 mos ever since I started saying that.  I want to dye my hair blue and then bleach it blonde.  But I am going to have to wait at least another 2 or 3 months to wait until my new growth shows more of my natural hair color.  Or I might just be like fuck it and dye it blue next week... IDK... we will see.

With Love,’

5.9 Million

[5point9million-blog]

A Walk In The Park...

Yesterday was amazing to say in the least.  I have to say that I was a bit apprehensive at first.  I wasn’t sure if I was gonna see Trenny or if she was going or how the girls were going to react.  Being as though this was a kinda sort of family trip.... I wasn’t even sure about who I would hang with or if I would just surf the park alone.

I got there about a good 1/2 earlier than we supposed to be there.  I made sure to call my Uber at 6am just to make sure that I was there on time.  Come to find out I was in the wrong spot, but luckly I saw the bus drive passed and I followed it.  Trenece showed up at the what was supposed to be the very last minute... but we ended up leaving about 25 mins late.  Folks was just pullin up when they felt like it.

Like I said, I was very apprehensive about how to behave around her and the girls.  Her attitude did not resolve anything either.  She was very anxious about going to a workshop that she had to go to in DC.  Which kept me in limbo about our relationship.  She told the girls that they would be with her mom’s cousin for the trip.  Which was cool, because that took the responsibility of taking care of them off me.  It was also a little offensive.  But I figured... hay... I at least I didn’t have to feed them.  And only say that because I didn’t have (and still dont) a lot of money.

So when the bus gets rolling I just put my headphones on and try listening to some music to help calm my nerves but that does not help.  So I watch She’s Gotta Have It.  I never really watched it before and I wanted to see the parallels between the movie and the show.  In retrospect, the show kinda answers some of the questions and speculations that people may have had at the time of its release.  Yet at the same time, it is a more modern version of the story... and I like it... I like them both.  Spike Lee’s portrayal of characters is very unique.  He has a way of allowing actors to act but yet at the same time make it feel so real that it doen’t even feel like the people are acting at all.

So... when I get off the bus.  I wait until the kids get off the bus and a follow them.  Before we get into the park, I introduce myself to the cousin.  I just wanted to make sure that she knew who I was and that I just wasn’t some kind of creep... even though I felt like one.  It seemed like every time the kids would whisper something... I would think that they were talking about me.  I even felt kinda creepy just following the kids... but yet at the same time, they were the only ones I really knew like that that went on the trip.  Everybody else was either family I met at a party or just complete strangers.

So when I introduced myself, the cousin was like, “Oh, yeah.  Trenece said you were coming.”  I really didn’t know how to take that.  I wanted to ask what exactly did she say.  But yet I just left it at that.  I wanted to know how she introduced me... did she say, “My boyfriend, Jason, is coming on the trip too.  So he will probably just hang out with the kids...” or what.  But the plan was to make it seem like everything is ok.  I mean it’s not like this was the first time that Trenny igged me in front of family.  And the kids are always dry (acting) in the morning with their monotone hellos.  Yet I was still nervous.

But the day went great.  We had a lot of fun and the girls did eventually warm up to me.  I think a lot of my apprehension comes from the fact that they aren’t as touchy feely with me as they are with each other and close family.  Just something that I can’t take to heart.  When we got back, Trenece had Cora with her.  I made sure to say hi.  and she said hi back.  She seemed ok but another question popped in my mind.... Did she not go on the trip because I went??  And did Trenece keep her and spend the day with her to compensate for her not being able to go....  Another set of questions that either will never be answered or answered only years from now.

After everything was said and done, I asked her sister to take me home because I already figured that Trenece would give me a whole song and dance about how she wasn’t able to take me home... and that was before I knew that she had Cora with her.  I mean they was already deep in the car to begin with.  Me and Kee Kee had a decent conversation about my interactions with Trenece these last couple of weeks and how I really haven’t seen or heard from her for real for real.  Just told me to be patient... and that I will do.

After they dropped me off, Kee Kee’s husband, Rob said, “See you round Christmas time!!” and I responded with, “That sounds about right.”  And that’s just because I never really get to see him that much.  It was kinda like a joke but reassurance at the same damn time.... like saying, “I know I won’t see you for a long ass time from now but I know that you will still be around.

One of the friends of the family asked me who I was because she has seen me around and I look just like the kids.  She was so baffled by it that she asked me over and over again.  While her sister was standing there, I just simply said, “Let’s just say... I am Trenece’s male friend.  And we will just leave it at that.”  and then she was like ok.  I didn’t want to leave any wrong impressions on her.  So she could run back to the family and repeat what I said and have a negative backlash.  So I kept it ambiguous.  That’s when I came back in the house.

When I got in, that’s when all the drama about how I owe money ensued and how they were having a mandatory house meeting that went down today at 2pm.  I told them that I had to work and they called the dude that was supposed to be leading the joint.  He tried to get me to agree about taking my lunch break at 2pm so I could make the meeting.  But I told him that I work at fast food and it just doesn’t work like that.  Long story short, they had the meeting today and now they have decided to put me on contract because I owe money. (which I don’t).  So I told them to basically pull the bank statements from April and May and I will show them just how much I paid and when.  So it seems like I am not moving this week... or maybe I am.  We will just have to see.  I ended up borrowing $350 in total from the Earnin app.  So hopefully, after they take their money... I can borrow it back the next couple of days and see what I can do with this new spot.  Like I said before,  It aint big.  but it will be a whole lot more private and a lot cheaper (just as soon as I put down the first months rent and a deposit).

At the end of the day, they have been pressuring me to leave for the past couple of months and right now I really want to go.

So it is still a waiting game.

With Love,

5.9 Million

[5point9million-blog]

While My Noodles Cool...

I am going to update you on the goings on in my life.  There really isn’t much to it.  The phone call that I got from the landlord turned out to be a bluff.  One of my roommates moved out last night. And we have a mandatory meeting tomorrow night discussing future plans with the house.  Also, also, I talked to Trenece on Saturday and she pretty much explained to me that she will be grinding it out for a while.  So I shouldn’t expect to hear from her.

Which I didn’t.

I honestly haven’t even tried to call her since then and she hasn’t called me either.  I talked to her for a little bit through text about her job interview. (It went well but she is waiting for a call back)... but that was about it.  Things are going really well at the job and I should be getting so overtime in tonight.  I ended borrowing $300 from the Earnin app.  So I am going to have to juggle that debt out for the next couple of pay checks.  Trenny said that she is going to try to pay me back some of the money.  But truth be told, I don’t want to take any of her money.  As long as she is making enough to sustain herself then that is all I really care about.  As long as she is able to do that then I don’t have to worry about dipping into my pockets to help her.

As far as our relationship goes... that is pretty much unclear.  As far as I know we are still together but that could change in an instant.  Like I said before, she just seems sort of dry and distant as of late.  I know there is nothing I can do.  I don’t want to start another relationship with another person. (1) because that will bring more drama into my situation and (2) I still believe that Trenece is the one... for some odd reason.

A part of me is telling me that I should move on.  That I should find someone that is willing to have my child and grow old together and not have so many problems... as if a woman like that exist.  But yet at the same time I really don’t have time for any relationships right now.  I need to focus on where I am going to stay within these next couple of weeks.  As soon as I can secure a spot, get my ads going for my books, and start paying off this credit card then maybe I can think about entertaining the ladies.  I am smart, handsome, loving man.  I would be a perfect catch for anybody...

So it is all just a waiting game for now.

[5point9million-blog]

This Is The Day...

Well.. let me start off with this.  My landlord called me yesterday while I was at work and asked me about my rent money.  The backstory to that is that I stay in a place called Oxford House.  That’s an organization that came together to allow housing for the recovering addict.  Within these homes, addicts get together to help support one another.  On top of the rules that you have to go to meetings, we also have to maintain the household.  All the bills are split between the residing house members.  So with that being said, because there are only 4 members in the house (including me), we have been slacking on playing the bills.

Now it is my understanding, that because this is a house regulated under this organization that there are certain particular members that should maintain membership by inviting potential roommates to join the house at all times.  Truth is this isn’t my house and salesmanship isn’t my forte.  So for me to be able to maintain a certain number of people in the house should only be my responsibility to a certain degree.

With the threat of the water being shut off, I took it upon myself to pay the first portion of the bill to keep it on.  There have been talks of us moving within these past couple of weeks to a new house.  Yet at the same time, we still have to live here.  The landlord refuses to do repairs in the proper manner.  Everyone is throwing blame on everyone else.  And most of the members are talking about moving to a place that is not under the Oxford’s thumb (myself included).

It was discussed on Monday that we were (or are) short on the rent $280 and that money should be split in 4 ways and paid by Friday (today).  I told the house that I do not have it because I already spent my money on the water bill.  I told everybody this in group as well as individually.  What really trips me out is the simple fact that 2 people in this house said that they won’t pay the money as well because the landlord already started the eviction process and just wants to get more money out of us in the long run.

So, fast forward the tape to yesterday.  I get the call from the landlord and she tells me that I am the only one who did not pay this money and if I did not pay that she will have the police escort me off the property.  She told me that I better find the money somewhere and I better find it by 11am (yesterday).  So my last words to her was, “Well... I don’t have it.”

I got that phone call around 10:20am yesterday.  I went on a 30 break at 10:54am.  and never got any type of return call from her.  So I said my little gripes to my godsister, Candice (who is one of the managers at Taco Bell & how I got the job in the first place), and did my job.  I worked my hours, clocked out and then came back home.  When I got in the house, I said “wassup” to my roommates as I came in the door.  They returned the salutation but said nothing else to me about anything.  We were supposed to get together with one of the Oxford reps and that was when we would present the $70.  But I guess the meeting never happened.

Due to the fact that my hours are always switching from day to night.  My sleep schedule is way out of wack.  I ended up coming in the house, heading down here to my room and going straight to sleep.  I ended up waking up around 2 in the morning and staying up until around 6ish.  I got around 9.  Got dressed and then went back to work.

I worked a straight 6 hours at work and then came home.

Nobody still hasn’t said a thing to me about anything.

In other news,  so I talked to Trenny about a bunch of stuff.  She was telling me about all the good news that she received that day.  Most importantly was that (1) she has a job interview on Monday and it seems very promising.  and (2) she planned on renting a car from Lyft so she can drive for them.  The backstory to the second piece is that her cousin signed her up and had her all set to get the car but she didn’t have the money.  She was supposed to get the car on Monday.  So, fast forward the tape to Wednesday night, and I am talking to her on the phone.  I believe this was around the time that I was typing the last post and I said that I got her on the line.

So we got to talking about how much the car costs and potential dates that she could get the car and if it was even plausible.  Her plan was to wait until she got paid on the 2nd to get the car then.  So I made the proposal to her that I give her the money for the car but she would then have to make up the money to pay her car insurance (because I already had the money put up for that).  So she set it up that she would get the car on Friday (today) and she would grind it out and make up for the lost of the insurance payment.  The insurance doesn’t need to be paid until Tuesday at the latest.  So she has a couple of days to make the money.

I didn’t talk with her last night because I went straight to sleep.

I tried calling her on my break today, but I guess she was busy with “work stuff”.  So I tried to call her back after I got off.  Frustrated because I haven’t heard from her and didn’t know if she got the car or not.  I text her simply, “Did you get the car??”  She promptly texted me back, “Yes. I’m driving now.”  So I text her back, “Cool. Call me later.”

That was around 6:30pm

It’s now 12:03am

So I tried to lay down and go to sleep but ended up laying here in bed for about 3 hours.  Then I got up and did a bunch of stuff for 3 hours and now here we are.  I don’t want to draw any conclusions but because of what happened 2 weeks ago, I am not even sure about our relationship any more.  She told me that we didn’t break up but we just don’t feel the same.

I try to get my mind off of it and act as if everything is the same but deep down it doesn’t feel the same.  She doesn’t talk to me the same way that she used to.  She doesn’t call me the same way that she used to. And we really haven’t seen each other since that night.

 Yet... I still have on the ring she gave me for our engagement.  I still talk to her and treat her the same.  I even made sure to not only pay for our phone bills but gave her the first payment on her car so that she can be able to make some extra cash.  And she talked about all the opportunities that she will be afforded to to be able to help her kids and for her to move out... but she never mentions me and what she would do for me.

But I get it.

I am on my own level of getting myself together.  I am listening to the speakers of A.A. every morning and talking to my sponsor.  I am only a week and a half sober and there is a lot going on in this house and I need to focus on where I am going to be living a couple of weeks from now.  So I can’t 100% blame her for the lack of contact or intimate talk.  There needs to be some time and space from that night for things to ever be normal again.  I am not even sure when would be the next appropriate time for me to even see the kids again.

I mean I know that they know that their mother still talks to me on the phone.  Yet I don’t know what she tells them when I am not on the phone either.  She might just tell them that everything is off and that she is just talking to me for moral support to help me get my life back in order.

I don’t know.

But that’s just the thing.  I really don’t want to know.  Partly because I know that I could do better.  That this event was a perfect out for me and if she decides for us to be just friends then I would be perfectly fine with that.  I would just go and promote my books. Get money and find some other chick... for real for real.  Of course, I love her and I would do anything to be with her but I am not going to force myself back into that fantasy world that I used to live in either.

The world where all my everything is wrapped up around her and I can’t live or breathe unless she is happy.

No.  I am going to continue on with life and just see where it may lead me.  Again, like I said in the most previous posts, I am not sure what that may include but I am focused on improving myself.  Next month, I plan on setting up a transfer of $2 per day into my saving account.  Then when that reaches $60, I will pay FB the money that I owe them.  Then I will continue to allow that said $2 to be taken out each day and that said money will go to promoting my book on FB to my target audience.  It won’t be much but it will be better than nothing.  Maybe I can generate enough side hustle money to get my branding together and really get my music career off and running....

like I said... I don’t know.

We will see.

With Love,

5.9 Million

[5point9million-blog]

This Goes Out To You

I was born with a defect that allows me to obsess over anything that I am focused on at the time.  Some folks may call it OCD... but many call it by any other name.  For years I have been fighting the addiction to alcohol and losing badly.  I would abstain from it for some time.  Get back on my feet and be better than ever... then I would slip and fall hard.  Countless times I have lost just about everything.  So much to the point to where I became hopeless.  Hopeless because I lacked the support that I needed from friends and family about just life in general.  Since a young age I just wanted to die and get away from it all.  Yet at the same time, I always knew that God had a purpose for me and that is the very reason why He kept me alive.

Like I said, I have had some ups and downs, some downs and outs, and yet here I still am talking to you.  I can only imagine the words that spoke on this blog a few years ago.  I continue to post here to encourage folks that there is a better way than my own.  You don’t have to go the same route that I chose.  You can detour from the mistakes that I had made even though I have gain plenty insight from those said mistakes.  You can learn from my wisdom and continue to grow with a sober mind.  Don’t try to chase other people’s dreams trying to impress people that ultimately don’t care, aren’t willing to help, or aren’t in the position to help you at all.

I do not know you.

However, you are not just some random person who just happen to stumble upon some random post of mine.  This is divine intervention from a supernatural source.  God wants you to be great.  I know this because if He didn’t then you would not be reading this.  I am not God but I am connected to His Holy Spirit and through His conduit I am able to allow Him to speak directly to you through me.

It’s going to be a long, hard, journey but I know that you can do it.  You are stronger than you think you are.  I are very intelligent, kind, loving and have a desire for service.  Success has an unknown time limit but failure is always instant.  The good thing about that is that because of that, we can always get back up and succeed again just as long as we are willing and able.  The mood of these posts just may shift a little bit from time to time.  But best believe that I will always stay faithful and attempt to be the man that God created me to be.

My sole purpose is to uplift and inspire you.

My soul may pass on one day but these words will live on forever.

[5point9million-blog]

Here We Go Again

So we went out of town together this weekend and of course I got to drinking and shit.  I had been drinking off and on for about a good 6 months and I seemed to have some type of handle on it.  Until we got in the car to leave.  I drank a whole half gallon of Absolut and started kirking off.  Trenny said I was screaming and cussing and doing a whole bunch of inappropriate things that are exactly the polar opposite to my character.  She said the kids were crying but she managed to get me back in the house without anybody seeing me.

Initially she had sent me a text saying that it was over but after she talked to a couple people she was able to see her own fault in the situation.  She knew that I was a recovering alcoholic but still allowed me to drink anyways.  I am so grateful to have her in my life and be by my side.  She said that the text that she sent was an angry and she didn’t mean it but I still feel the effects of what I don’t remember the other night.  I still managed to get up and go to work yesterday and get in some overtime.  I talked to Trenece a couple of times today and she seems ok.  I just have to put in more work to maintain my sobriety.

I called the dude Ed just because he was the only guy in my phone that I remember from AA.  We talked a few minutes and I told me about this guy that would maybe agree to sponsor me.  I just talked to him a few moments ago and he told me to take a personal inventory.  So this is why I am here.  Until I moved out this house my sobriety date will still be the same. August 25th, 2016... when in reality I have only been sober for about 24 hours maybe.  I have my secret date plugged into my phone just so I won’t forget my “true date” but I can keep up the lie until I can get some time in and actually move out.

So here we go...

I am grateful for a roof over my head  and having some money in my pocket to be able to at least do a few things that I need and like to do.  I am grateful for Trenece and for her supporting me inn my time of need.  I am grateful for a job that I can go to and have fun and go a good job and the people I work with trust me and depend on me alot.  I am grateful to be getting the hours that I am looking for and I am glad that I can do a good job at what I do.

However.... I extremely lonely and I feel like I am all by myself.  With all the things that Trenece has going on with the kids and her family I feel like the only time that she even reaches out in when she needs my help.  I do not feel used because we do share a lot of good times but yet at the same time it can be financially draining.  So much to the point where I sunk into a depression these past couple of weeks and didn’t even realize it.  I tried to get my hopes up but nothing seemed to work.  I thought that I would be able to cheer up over the weekend but Trenece just made it worse but fussing at me the whole time.  She wasn’t loving or caring and she seemed like she was distancing herself from me.  The whole time she just hung out with her friend Lisa that she brought along and her son.  The whole time Lisa bragged about how she paid for this trip and that trip and blah za blah but she never once gave me any money or Trenece to compensate for the money that we spent on the house or the car that we rented and that made me mad.  Plus the fact that Trenece seemed to eating up all her words and gave her more attention than me.

When I got in the car and saw that bottle at my feet I just planned on drinking and passing out because I dreaded being in the car with them for one more second.  I guess the demons inside of me couldn’t take it any more and wanted to lash out.  I cannot take a sip.  I cannot have one beer.  I cannot have any wine.  I cannot smoke any weed or do any other kind of drug because when I do... I will eventually go off the deep end.  It probably won’t be the first or the second or third time.  But eventually if I keep drinking then I will eventually lose everything... again.  I have to make a choice every single day not to drink or do drugs ever again.  It maybe easy for some but it will always be hard for me.

I have to be that guy that has to drink what the kids’ drink.

And that is one of the most devastating thoughts that I could ever come up with.  To be that guy who has to have the alternate drink because I can’t have any alcohol.  To be that guy who can’t get turn’t up.  To be that sober guy.  

I do have a lot of people in my corner that are willing to support me.  I honestly don’t know where the future lies and what may come of my relationships but come what may I have to deal with the consequences of my actions.

Period. Point. Blank.

[5point9million-blog]

Blind Faith

Trenny came over the other day before work.  We chilled for a bit.  A little too long if you ask me.  She ended up going to work and being about an hour and a half late.  The most significant moment of the time we spent is when we were on the back step.  Now we have been talking for a little over a month and a half.  We talk on the phone at least 2 or 3 times a day.  We see each other like 2 or 3 times per week.  It’s funny because we had this one long conversation that seemed to extend over the course of 3 whole days and then all of a sudden we just seemed to get closer.

At first, I had a few apprehensions about “us”.  Because we weren’t “official”, I couldn’t seem to trust her all the way.  Every time I would call her and she didn’t answer I would just assume that she was spending time with another dude.  Only to find out that she was just busy with other things like cooking for her and the kids.   But yet in still, I decided to chill and just let things ride despite my feelings.  I understood that they were never justified and that I was just trippin.

One of the things that I truly appreciate about our relationship is the open and honest communication.  The more we seem to talk.  The more I feel like I can be honest with her about my feelings.  It was about a month ago that the conversation of sex came up.  She was feeling kind of hesitant.  She was afraid that sex would ruin the relationship and draw us apart because I just might want “more” after getting a taste of her.  I explain to her that it only made sense because we were already close and that sex would just be another element to our relationship.  It took some drawing out but then she finally confessed that she just was afraid of losing me if she put on too much pressure on me.  She said she understands just how “needy” she can be and that she doesn’t want to overwhelm me by providing the things that she needs over an extended period of time.  So much to the point to where I just up and decide to not be friends with her at all.

I plan a day for us to spend together without the kids.  She comes over and one thing leads to another.  During our talks, she made me admit out loud the possibilities of falling in love.  I denied it for a spell because at the time I had been still feeling the hurt of what she did a few years ago.  So much to the point to where I just wasn’t even sure if I was able to fall in love with anyone for a while.  I told her that as long as I got to spend time with her and the kids outside of sex then I should be good.  The stipulations was that we would have sex but we would not be in a relationship.

No obligations.

We talk when we talk.

We see each other when we see each other.

We do stuff when we do stuff.

And...

Every time when we see each other; we don’t have to do stuff.

And I was all for it.  Things were going great.  I felt in my mind that just as long as I never called it a “relationship” then we would just continue on doing what we were doing.  Conversations got deeper and we talked a lot about our current living situations and work statuses.  We talked about our feelings about each other and just life in general.  I was 100% willing to let things go on like this for quite sometime just because it just felt good.  I was experiencing a side of Trenece that I had never felt before.  Just based of the simple fact that I could actually plan stuff with her and actually see these things come into fruition.  I would say, “Let’s meet on Tuesday” and we would actually meet up on Tuesday and have really great time.

I admit that I didn’t like the fact that as time progressed I got to see less and less of the kids.  But that was honestly due to the fact that I had been spending a lot of money on getting the two little ones to school in the morning and her to work.  Over time the money being spent on Uber rides started to add up.  Not to mention that Uber started raising their prices all of a sudden.  But the girls have to go to school and she has to go to work.  I had been doing everything possible to make sure that everything that needed to be done; got done.

That brings us up to a couple of days ago.  She came over in the morning to spend some time with me before work and we rolled in the hay a couple of times.  Over the course of the week, she had been leaking hints of us becoming “official” but my man brain wouldn’t catch on.  She just kept asking the question, “Are you sure your not going to get tired of me??”  And I gave her in response several versions of the word “yes”.  On three separate occasions during the same moment I told her that I was in love with her.  I didn’t even notice the first time.  But the second and the third time I tried to say it differently but it just seem to slip out.

And once it was out there I couldn’t take it back.

And it’s not because I didn’t feel those feelings.  It was just the simple fact that I was amazed at just how soon I feel back in love with her and I, at the same time, didn’t want to leave myself so vulnerable to her.  But the words just seemed to slip out just so seamless.  So much to the point to where it felt like I was under some kind of magic spell.  Finally, as we sat on the back steps, she finally consented to her feelings and agreed that we should make our relationship “official”.  Not only that but she also brought to the table the proposal of marriage and which I said yes.

Now we are in the part of life to where we have to get all of our ducks in order and gradually let everyone the good news.  We have to play the role of “dating and engagement”  for the people.  Just so it would seem all too sudden.  I believe it’s more for her than for anybody else being as though everybody else seems to have already accept us as a couple even though we never were.  I know that I don’t have to change much because I always treated her as if she was my lady.

The funny thing is that it still all feels new to me.  The phone calls in the morning.  The time that we spend together.  Her actually using terms of endearment on me and showing displays of affections.  Her actually telling me that she loves me and that she misses me at random times and asking if she could see me and spend time with me.  She even told her oldest daughter that she was getting married and that soon they both would be very happy.  It is an awesome feeling to have that feeling in your gut actually come to fruition.  I only operated on the notion that all of this would come to play but at the same time I got comfortable with the way things were going.  Now I feel a sense of pressure on my end to make sure that everything goes according to plan but yet at the same time my money is starting to get low.

Just the other day I was trying to send her home after a whole day of love making.  I just remember the feeling of being less just because I didn’t have enough money to get an Uber for her.  I eventually ended up borrowing money from myself off this app that allows gives you short terms loans that you pay back on payday.  I just borrowed $20 just to get her home because I got paid a few hours from then.  I felt terrible but she was still floating from the high that I had given her that day.

Now I am low key stressing over how we are going to get everything done this month with me not getting as many hours as I used to from one job.  I just have to pick up as many hours as possible and hopefully my tax return comes back in time so that we can save up for this house and get Trenece another car.  Then on top of that she is now asking to go on actual dates.  And that just adds to the list of things.  It’s not that I don’t want to but yet at the same time I am not sure that those types of things are in the budget.  But they will just have to fit.  

In 14 hours from now,  the girls from the Doyenne Project are graduating.  It will be the first class and I wanted to make sure that I was present.  I was there from the beginning and I want to be there for a least the key moments of the organization.  Slowly but surely I have slipped away from participating.  I feel kind of bad.  Especially because the less time I seem to spend at Life After Release, the more I spend with Trenece.  Which probably raises the question of my true motivation but I made my peace with Chantel even before all of this started to happen.  God has granted me with wonderful foresight and I was able to predict certain things and call em before they happen.  Regardless of whether Telly remembers, I can always recall that speech I gave her the moment then were moving into their own building.

It all started when Trenece decided that she was going to approach me with the notion of us becoming friends way back at Children Of the Future day care.  It was in that moment is when God told me that she was going to become my wife one day.  A notion that I deemed ridiculous just because she was married with 6 kids at the time.  Of course I had no idea that she was separated from her husband and living in a house that her mother and father owned.  At that moment, I just saw one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen in my life and I felt compelled to tell her.  From that moment on I never lost sight of that nudge from God.  At first, it was just a quiet notion.  But at time progressed, the notion became louder and louder.

We shared some good times as well as bad... however it all developed us into the fantastic people that we are today.  We have both grown individually and that in turn allowed us to grow together.  She said that she would be kicking herself for the next couple of months for the fact that she felt the notion as well and didn’t act on it until now... but I told her that now is the exact moment for it to happen.  That we had to go through what we went through in order for us to prepare for this moment.  And now that we did and because we are in the positions that we are in that nothing will be able to tear us apart.

She called it, “Blind Faith”.

The fact that I did what I did and treated her as if she was my wife from the beginning and continued to love her despite her treatment towards me.  Despite all the things that people told me and despite even some of the feelings I had within myself telling me to quit.  That “blind faith” has always been my guiding light and nothing would ever trump that.  It has been always the thing that keeps me going and the thing that gives me life & purpose.  And just the simple fact that I can actually sit and type that I was right this whole time solidifies my “blind faith” all the more.  

I am scared...

but as long as I do what I know that I am supposed to do... what I was purposed for... what I was called to do... then everything is going to be ok.

Love, 

5.9. Million

#relationshipgoals

[5point9million-blog]

Another Great Day In The Books...

I woke up this morning to call Trenece and make sure that she was up and getting ready for work.  I called her first at 7:25, then at 7:30 and then again at 7:45 am to no avail.  I just had assumed that she was knocked out sleep and figured that she would call me when she woke.  She ended up calling me around 8-ish and explained that she was on the phone talking to her boss.  They were have a conversation about “proactivity”.  Her boss was explaining to her that it was some sort of chore to loop around every morning to come and get her to bring her to work because she doesn’t have an operating car at the moment.  She told me about how she needs to gain a “hustler’s spirit” in order for her to really get ahead and be successful.  There was a lot more to the conversation but that was the basic gist of what I got from their conversation.

At the end of it, she basically had to find herself to work that morning.  So as she was explaining her situation with me, I shot some ideas that she could possibly take in order for her to get to the office.  I ended up catching an Uber to her house, giving her a SmarTrip card, and we took another car to the train station.  From there we took the train to the station close to her job and walked the rest of the way.

It was another one of those moments that allowed me some comfort in our relationship.  As she talked, she allowed me to hug up on her and cuddle her and she explained her current situation and thoughts and feelings.  I gave her my evaluation and explained to her what I would do in turn to help support her.  I gave her some tools that she could use to place her in a better position in the future.  But it was her language about “us” that really had me excited.  She talked about “us” as if we were a couple and she included me in her plans.  She acted and responded as if we were together and that made me feel good.

There will always be a part of me that will remain reserved just for the simple fact that we are not boyfriend and girlfriend today.  The fact that there is a possibility that another man could slip in the cracks and steal her away bothers me.  Yet at the very same time, it intrigues me that a part of her insecurities is ME LEAVING HER... and that is just insane.  I would much rather die than not have her in my life (period).  There is no other women that I would want to be with or spend me time with.  I love her from the bottom of my heart and she makes me so happy.

Yet at the very same time, the more she shows me that she is in fact putting some type of effort into our relationship slowly subsided my fear and doubt.  Of course,  I still hold onto some of them “for safe keeping, sort of speak.  And what I mean by that is the simple fact that I have a fear of letting myself be vulnerable to her.  What if I completely let myself go to her and she in fact finds another.

I would be crushed.

So in turn, I tend to be reserved towards her and our interactions.  Which is funny because I still do a lot but yet at the same time I am not doing or saying as much as I could.  And a part of that is allowing her some space to be able to do things on her own and accomplish things for herself.  I am not forcing myself on her and pushing my help, being abrasive in my tactics just to “get her to see where I am coming from”.  However, like I said before, her language (passively) tells me that she not only acknowledges my support but comfortably accepts it as well.  I told her that it will take some time to get used to “New Trenece” because a small part of me is expected to react to certain situations as I have known her to respond in the past.  Yet at the same time, I am willing to push past my own feelings and continue to be there for her.... and in time, I can grow to trust her more in certain areas.

What is most important to me is that she shows me some effort and allows herself to be herself around me.  To do whatever she feels and not restrict herself from me because of her own insecurities.  I told her that she doesn’t have to worry about “us”.  That as long as we continue to operate the way that we do RIGHT NOW on a consistent basis then we will be ok.  She worries about me “wanting more”.  And worries about how the things that she says or does with me or for me would be the catalyst to me (for lack of a better term) hulking out and becoming crazily obsessed with her and trying to force her into a position that she may not want or even need to be in at the time.  I told her, let’s just not worry about “motivation” right now and just do what we feel is right at the time and if we feel some type of way then we talk about it.  That way we can learn more about each other and well as ourselves and grow from there.

Another important thing is that she hears want I have to say and puts stock and value into the wisdom that I give her.  There is no point in talking to someone if they are never going to listen.  And in turn if she tells me something, I made it a point to listen to her.  Therefore, it wouldn’t be a situation to where I am just telling her things to try and manipulate her into doing things for me and/or with me.  I truly understand the value in her words and I have reaped the benefits of listening to her before.  So it would be foolish not to continue to take her advice and suggestions now.  I have some ideas on where this may lead but I am not 100 percent on what the future lies for Trenece & I.  I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her.  Yet, just like I told her, we will take it day for day and see where it goes from here.

Today was a good day.

Now let’s see about tomorrow.

#relationshipgoals

[5point9million-blog]

Once In A Blue Moon...

It’s funny and also amazing how conversations work.  You can express your feelings and talk to everybody til your blue in the face about the issues that you have with someone.  Yet if you lack the capacity or audacity to have the important conversations with said folks directly then nothing will be accomplish.  Of course it is good to vent.  I have shared some of my experiences on here several times in order to get my thoughts together.  Yet some problems by self evaluation alone.  With that being said, Me and Trenny had a good three day talk about our relationship.  I express how I feel about how she treats me.  And I am happy to say that she actually gave me a 24 hour turn around and now our relationship is way better than before.  And now we are having more conversations about our thoughts and our feelings.  We talk more. We see each other more and she is allowing me to be there more for her and her children.  And it is all because I decided to open my mouth.

Just last night, we spent some quality time together without the kids.  It is a very rare occasion but I feel like it will happen more often than before.

Let’s just say that I have a hunch.

One of the main points that I had to make is the responsibilities of my actions that happened during our first run.  I had to admit that I did a bunch of things to make her respond in a manner than I did not particularly like.  Taking ownership and recognizing mistakes are 2 key factors in the growth process.  Something I had to do meanwhile taking stock of my personal inventory.  We both did some things to each other and because of the lack of communication, we ended up being toxic to one another.  And because we never really had too many serious conversations this time around we never really gave our relationship a chance to grow.  And I believe that, because of the past, we didn’t want it to grow.  With the notion that it would just develop into more of the same old stuff.  However, because we now talk about serious issues on a regular basis, we are getting better.  I am not particularly sure of where we are going.  But I have a pretty good idea. #relationshipgoals

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Christmas Is Done...

As I sit here typing, I just got back from getting the girls their Christmas gifts.  Of course, I got the boys, Thomas & Taurian, both a drone.  They can fly in any direction and hover.  Plus they are rechargeable.  I got Taylor a bookbag purse.  It’s black with a furry heart on the back.  I know in previous posts I might have mentioned the whole situation with the $200 doll.  Of how I kept going back and forth with Trenece about when and where to go get it.  With her busy schedule, I have to always try and figure out a way to fit myself in.  So, she came up with the solution of just getting Chloe & Elaina gift cards to Starbucks... and I am cool with that.  I mean I don’t feel comfortable with getting her daughter a $200 gift in the first place on so much different levels.  First,  I am not her father.  I am just one of her mother’s close friends.  Plus the simple fact that even her own father said that he wasn’t going to get it for her. Second, it would be totally unfair to the other children if I got just one child such an expensive gift.  The 3rd, I really ain’t got it like that to be paying out that kind of money.  I mean... I just spent like $150 this morning alone with what I got.  Most of it went to reserving the room me and Trenece are going to on the 2nd.  I wanted to make sure that we were able to get it.  I haven’t really mentioned it to her but once kind of.  I was talking to her about how I am such a good worker at Family Dollar but they still pass me over for management.  Even though I come to work on time. I always do a good job for the most part. And I never miss a day and I never took a day off until now.  She was like, “So are you saying it’s my fault?!”  And I was like, “No. I am not blaming YOU... I was just using that as an example for reasons on why they should give me a promotion... that’s all.”  Like I said before, me & Trenece are in a good space.  We talk almost every day.  We see each other and spend time with each other like every other day.  We have fun and we enjoy each others company.  We never argue and the kids and her family love me as well.... Oh, and I finished making Chantel’s grandson, Sevyn, his Elmo.  I bought an Elmo doll and a recorder and sung “Living My Best Life” on it and then Velcro the back.  I know he’s gonna love it.  Then I got Chantel a My Little Pony Beanie Baby.  She loves My Little Pony plus she said she used to collect Beanie Babies as a child.  So I am sure she is gonna love her gift.  And... last but not least, I ordered Trenece a butterfly watch.  It’s blue and it has butterflies.  I am sure she is gonna love it. And now I am chilling in the house and that’s that.  About to make me a cup of coffee and eat a piece of the cake that Trenece made me last Friday.  It really meant something to me because of all the times that I asked her to make me one and she flat out said no just because she thinks I’m gonna eat it all in one sitting.  Last night was especially awesome.  We had a great time at the Christmas Party held by Mass Liberation.  The gift swap was great and Trenece got a big, blue coffee mug that says “Believe” on it.  That is perfect for her.  We played the perfect couple yesterday.  I didn’t follow her around or even try to make conversation.  We just talked when we were around each other and made pot shots and laughed and had a really good time.  I had made mac & cheese and it was way too much.  So I gave her a whole pan and left the half that was left in the office.  Chantel said it was really good.  I told her that my secret is that I cook my noodles in milk.  That way I cut off the step of draining it and it creates a cream that I can just add the cheese into and then slap it in a pan and bake.  I also made some chicken salad.  That was only because I was in the house bored and hungry yesterday.  It ended up being way more than I expected.  So of course, I ended up getting Trenece some.  Ms. Caroline had brought stuff for sandwiches.  Trenny ended up taking that stuff home too.  So at least for this week, she aint gotta worry about cooking AT ALL... I love my baby and want to see her happy.  It feels good to be able to provide for her and her kids and not have to suffer for it in the end.... and one more thing... I finally got my letter from the Library of Congress for my copyright for The Legend of the Foreign Ambassadors II.  So I am now an official author.

With Love,

Maurice Noel Lyons

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We Are In A Good Space...

This is most likely one of the last entries that I get really personal about my relationship with Trenece.  Truth is is that I want the past couple of post to be buried so far deep in this blog that only the due diligent folks will be able to find it.  With this new laptop that I got I plan on making a LOT of entries and letting you know my progress just so that YOU may be inspired. ...

So anyways, these past couple of days has really been a test and trial to my patience with Trenece.  Just this Tuesday I was on the back porch, smoking a cigarette, and I saw a van that looked just like hers.  So of course I started trippin’.  I had a panic attack and the whole nine just because that I know that the dude Manquel’s cousin lives down the street from me.  And the reason why she would be driving down my street at 7:15am in the morning would be to go over and give him some before going into work.  Keep in mind that she has the girls and that the girls need to be dropped off at day care before 7:45 because the bus comes at 8am to take them to school.  However, in my mind, I am thinking that possibly she could have made alternate arrangements or something.  (Which highly unlikely but my mind wasn’t working properly either, mind you.)  So I put my cigarette out and get my stuff together and leave outside to go to Giant to get some stuff I need for the house.  But at the same time I am walking really slow, trying to catch her driving back from his house just in case she went to go pick him up and take him to drop off the girls and then they go back to maybe his cousin’s house or her mom’s.  So I go into Giant and end up getting nothing because it would be crazy for me to buy something from there and the stuff is way cheaper at my store... so anyways... I slow walk back to the house.  I get on the computer and download like 6 or 7 locator apps to try and track her cell phone but at the same time refusing to give up my debit card number at the same time.  I’m jealous but just not crazy... so anyways... I watch a couple of Grand Poo Bear videos on YouTube and a couple of hours go by.  So I end up calling her to see how she is doing.  She calls me back and tells me that she’s in the dentist’s office and she can’t talk but she will call me back.  Then she texts me and says... “But I can text”... long story short... she ends up being right around my house.  So she asks if I want to walk to the dentist’s office, we can ride around while she does stuff with the girls.  So I walk over there.  Keep in mind, I had planned on going to make a set of keys for my new roommate.  So I was halfway there anyways... So I walk in the doctor’s office and I scan the room for this nigga.  I am not halfway sure he is gonna be there but at the same time I am not sure what this chick has planned.  So I am sitting there, by myself, and feeling like a whole creep because everybody else is with someone and/or their kids.  So get up and go to Checkers and get me a sandwich, smoke a cigarette and come back.  By that time they were just coming out of the back.  So we ended up spending the day together and it was fun.  That was the first time in a long time that I got to spend with Chloe and Elaina by themselves in a while.  We had a sad moment though.... I had misplaced my wallet and I thought it was gone forever.  I thought I had looked everywhere but obviously I didn’t.  We even went back to the Dollar Tree, the last place I seen it and it wasn’t there.  It wasn’t by the tree in front of the house or in her mom’s house.  I ended up transferring all my money over to her account and having her take it out of the ATM machine. I think that was the last straw though... I admit that I was being nosey and peeking over her shoulder every time she picked up the phone, checking to see who she was talking too... and for some odd reason... none of the time it was him... at least I didn’t see that it was him.  For the most part she was either talking to her ex or Chantel.  The girls happened to mention that “mommy only has two male friends”.  Which came out in an awkward conversation that they started.  Of course, I have to mention that they were away last week and wasn’t around for the “break-up”... So with all that being said, I can’t officially declare them broke-up but yet at the same time I am talking to her a lot more often this week and she is being a lot more attentive than usual.  Which leads me to believe that the relationship is over... I remember back when we were going to drop Thomas’ clothes off that Chantel said, “Don’t be sad.  You should be happy...”  as to suppose that he broke it off with her and that that mad her sad... Like I said I have no idea what made him break it off but I can assume it was because I had stepped up and did a bunch of things for her that he didn’t and he was jealous of all the attention that she has been giving me... not to mention that Christmas is coming up in less than 2 weeks... so he probably broke it off with her just so he wouldn’t have to get her a gift... I don’t know.  This is all just speculations at this point... There was one point when we were riding around and she said, “Let me tell you about your boy...” I cringed a bit because I thought she was gonna talk about Manquel and she ended up talking about her son... I had to shake my head on myself (just now) just because every time I think she out doing dirt... she not. And like I was saying, that I understand that we are not officially together.  She is not my girlfriend.  As she put it, she doesn’t have a boyfriend... she has “male friends”.  And, with that being said, she is free to do what she wants.  And me telling her not to see him or spend time with him is not an option.  Truth is they may have just broke up but that doesn’t mean that around the new year he won’t come crawling back and that doesn’t mean that she won’t take him back just because she still has feelings for him; truth be told.  My only option in this situation is to either deal with it or not.  And because I am madly in love with her, I chose to deal with it.  I know to some it may seem stupid, but that is what I chose to do.  It’s not about whether we have sex or not.... it’s about me being able to have her in my life no matter how many times we talk or see each other.  Just as long as I have that option is cool with me.... and being as though I do things for her that elevates the quality of her life.. I believe that she will come around.  Not only do I stimulate her emotions, but I stimulate her mind by teaching her new things and getting her to see things from a new perspective.  I make sure to help support her by doing little things to keep her day to day functions going and I am not to hard press to be there physically in her life but always checking to make sure that she is straight.  Next week we have to get her daughter’s Christmas gifts.  Which makes me a little apprehensive because we may not be able to get exactly what Elaina wanted because we waited to late. (Just called Trenece and told her my feelings about that.  She said she is gonna Google something and call me right back).  So as of right now... I have pretty much talked to her every day (except for Monday) and we spent the whole day together Tuesday and as for the future... we shall see.

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Things Haven’t Change

Earlier this morning I bought the boys both a drone at my job.  I was about to buy Taylor some shoes but my credit card wouldn’t go through.  The website keeps saying that its linked to a “different account”.  So now I’m on hold with PayPal to try and figure everything out.  It’s funny because a week ago I wasn’t even planning on getting the kids anything for Christmas.  Truth be told, the past couple of Christmases I either didn’t have the money or I wasn’t really in contact with them.  Most of the time it was both.  So this year I have the money and I am in good standings with their mom.  I’m not sure if I mentioned in the last post, but I talked to Trenece a couple of days ago.  We had a decent conversation and it ended with me telling her if she didn’t have anything going on that she could come over.  I called Chantel last night and she ended up calling Trenece and we all had another decent conversation together.  Trenece and the kids ended up going to the pool with Chantel and her grandson for his birthday... it was an indoor pool.  She also talked about how they almost got into a bad accident and how the car spun around but they were ok.  She said that after she left Chantel that she ended up having to go to the hospital because her aunt was taken there.  She was there when we called.  I haven’t seen Trenece since Wednesday which makes it about 5 days now.  I have talked to her almost every day.  The times that I don’t speak to her I worry about if she going to spend time with that other nigga.  I wonder if they still together and when the last time they actually had sex.  Like I said before, dude started beefin with her about me and OUR relationship.  I am not for sure but I assume that me helping to clean the car was the last straw... or maybe it was the simple fact that she keeps turning to me for help and I keep showing up.  Or maybe it’s because she keeps taking all these gifts that I give her and the kids.  Or maybe it’s because of all the time that me and Trenece spend together.  Truth is is that we have been seeing each other a lot and the times that we don’t spend together she usually by herself or with the kids.  Or at least that’s what it seems to me.  I want to ask questions but that will only make me look stupid.  She clearly has some type of agenda with me and she always makes it seem as if we are a couple when we talk or we are together.  It feels weird because I am not used to this sort of responsiveness from her.  Yet at the very same time, I am longing to make our relationship “official”.  It makes me jealous that all these niggas that came after me “seemed” to gain the title of “boyfriend” so easily.... but that is probably me just on the outside looking in.  On top of that, they all seem to have the same issues that I had when we first started dealing with each other years ago.  And the issue is is that she seems to be able to handle those issues better when it comes from them but with me it was a problem and it made her feel uncomfortable around me.  The other thing is that I cannot seem to confide in Chantel about my issues with Trenece any more.  It’s not anything that she did, per say.  Yet I am getting the funny feeling that some of the advice that she gives is bias towards her friend.  Like when we were supposed to go and mail off the clothes for Thomas.  I said that worst case scenario was that Trenece spends her own money.  Chantel just simply told me, “No. She only has a limited amount of funds and only gets paid once a month as for you... you have a recurring income....”  So I was stuck with that.  I could make the argument that she has a whole nigga that she could turn to, but we both know that nigga broke like shit.  So I didn’t say anything to that regard, but I did feel like she was manipulating me into helping out her friend.  She said, “Yeah, but she’s YOUR FRIEND!?!”  Which is true... but the question comes to mind is, “How much SHOULD I do being as though we are close friends??” and just how much WOULD she do for me if she was in a better position financially.  I can say that I have spent around $500 on her within the past 2 and half months.  I am already invested in her.  As far as she is concerned, we good.  Even though I can’t seem to get her to come and spend time with me.  That is why I just go and get Chantel to “invite” me over because she seems to follow along with whatever she says.  Last night I was talking to Chantel and she called Trenece to put her on the line to talk about defogging her headlights.  I had forgot that I had bought the stuff but Chantel said she wanted to clear off the headlights before it snows real bad this week.  I kind of eased my way in and asked if I could join the festivities and Chantel said that it was ok.  Trenece pretty much said nothing. So I am guessing that she thought it was ok with it.  So I am not sure exactly how the day is going to go and when the next time I’m going to see her or spent time with her... 

Of course it is still only 10:43 am, Monday, December 10th, 2019.

So I don’t think it’s time to call the police just yet on this one. lol smh

The funny thing is is that I was going to tell Chantel about how one of the girls had said something about Manquel. (I don’t know what was said because I didn’t hear that part). And then Elaina (I’m guessing) said, “No. That’s not Manquel.... that’s JASON.”  Just one of the things that I was not supposed to hear and didn’t even make reference that I heard it at all.  I just kept on with the conversation like it never even happened.  The funny thing is is not that Trenece continues on with her relationship with Manquel or that they keep having sex.  Truth is is that if they never were in a relationship when we first started talking then I would have fallen into the same mode that I was in when we were first together.  I would have immediately gone back to being creepy Jason just because even though I knew without a shadow of a doubt that that didn’t work at all before.  It was because of him that I started playing it cool and dialed it back a little.  I mean it is true that I still manage to buy her things and do stuff for her but it’s not as obsessive as before.  And I really haven’t ASKED her to spend any time with me.  I just let it happen by itself.  And so far so good.  Like I said, I’m going to focus my conversations with Chantel back to just random stuff like we used to talk.  I don’t need to explain because, just like before Trenece came back, I already told her that I didn’t want to monopolize our conversations trying to analyze Trenece’s thought patterns and why she does the things that she does.  I text Trenece at 6:30 this morning, “Good Morning Trenece” and she responded back in 8 minutes.  I said a couple of more things and she is just now responding to me at 10:57am.  I told her that I was texting her while she was getting the kids ready to go to school but to go back to sleep... but then I remembered that she had the girls and was probably taking them to day care at the time.

She just replied, “I was up. lol”

I just replied, “How bout now lol”

and I got no response.  I called Chantel probably about an hour and a half ago but she didn’t answer her phone.  My saving grace is that I do have a strong healthy relationship with Chantel.  So calling her won’t make it seem as if I was looking around for Trenece or trying to see what she was/is doing.  I got this feeling in my gut that tells me that she was with that nigga but I am sure that she will tell me about her day the next time that I talk to her. (Whenever that is),  I just have to play cool and aloof and for me to keep my true motivation on the low.  I can’t even tell Chantel what I am thinking just because I want to be as aloof as possible to everyone.  I have learned that as long as you keep your true intentions a total secret then you can get away with just about anything.  Even if your consistent, people can only assume why you do what you do and most people won’t even ask just because they are content with their assumptions.  I got nowhere with the PayPal people or my bank for that matter.  I am just going to give some money to Chantel and have her buy the girls some clothes.  Like I said, I got the boys some drones and they should be good with those.  They seem pretty good to me.  They are even rechargeable.  I got Chantel a My Little Pony Beanie Baby and Trenece a watch with butterfies on it (which I am about to check when it is coming).  It’s suppose to be here between now and the 20th.  Although my hat, scarf and gloves came hella late... so who knows what is gonna happen.  That’s another reason why I just got stuff from brick and mortars because it’s so close to Christmas and I don’t want the kids’ stuff to come in late.  And that is pretty much all I got for you right now.  I mean other than the fact that I bought a home dental cleaner and some whitening strips.  I have been using them since Saturday and I haven’t told a soul about them....  I feel kind of apprehensive about writing in here all my personal things... especially about Trenece... I mean this is the type of thing that got me in trouble the first time around.  However I do not think that anybody that I know or anybody that knows her and so on and so on knows about this blog at all.  Eventually after I start getting a little buzz from the media maybe I will go back and actually delete these posts and start talking less about my private matters and just speak about general topics.  So if you are reading this now... you are getting the good stuff.  Or maybe, I will just continue to write here and just get less and less personal and these posts will be so buried within this blog that they won’t even be able to find them.  It’s not like I use hashtags and most of the titles I will most likely forget by the time a couple of years roll past.  This is just me venting.  So enjoy it while it last... because it just might end soon...

[5point9million-blog]

Save The Date

Me & Trenece are in a space that is different than what it used to be.  She is more responsive to me.  She answers my texts more and calls me more.  She uses terms of endearment like Baby or Bae.  We have fun together and do stuff together and it feels good when I am around her.  She makes me feel like I am the only one in her life.  Of course, what she doesn’t know is that I know about her relationship with this other guy, Manquel.  He came around when Chantel & her friend Qiana started this non-profit organization called Life After Release.  He came to one of the resume clinics that we had and just kept showing up to volunteer.  Eventually I faded out because of my irregular work schedule and them not knowing what to do with me. But he stuck around and eventually hooked up with Trenece.  At the time, me and Trenny weren’t even speaking and he just happened to be at the right place at the right time.  He tried to get with Chantel and Qiana but they just weren’t feeling him.  He jumps from couch to couch.  He has a bunch of medical problems that keeps him from working a decent job.  He has a drinking problem as well as a drug addiction.  And on top of that, he really doesn’t seem to have any vision for his life or direction on where he is going.  He just seems to be drifting through life and at 50 plus years that isn’t a very good look.  Yet somehow he managed to woo Trenece and they are or were in a pretty serious relationship.  However, I can back into play.  It was around election time when I decided to go and vote early is when me and Trenece started back talking.  It started with her calling me and saying that she was getting ready to pick me up to go vote.  I had no idea that she was coming along because the day before I had only spoke to Chantel and she really didn’t speak about Trenece that much when we talk on the phone.  So it was a surprise to me to get that phone call and have her name pop up on my screen.  I ended up spending the whole day with her and I asked her if she could put some earrings in my ears.  She agreed.  We planned to me up and she ended coming over and spending the night.  We didn’t do anything.  We just sat and cuddled and watched some Netflix.  The next couple of weeks we ended up spending a couple of days together only by happenstance but it still felt good non the less.  She never mentioned him but yet at the same time really wasn’t quiet about them spending time together.  I found out just how close they were when I was riding with him to get dropped off to pass out flyers on election day.  They were texting each other back and forth and I happened to glance at his phone to see what she wrote him.

One of the lines said, “ I need someone like you in my life.”

Now that wasn’t an exact quote but it said something along those lines.  I was blown away.  I turned away and tried to act chill.  He said something to the fact that he was texting Trenece and how she didn’t respond back.  He said that she must be dropping the girls off at daycare or taking one of the kids to school.  That made me laugh because I knew that (1) she didn’t have the girls that week and (2) school was closed for election.  I felt kind of betrayed because when me & Trenny spent time together it was like we were immediately “back together”.  There was no meeting. no talk of some sort.  We just seemed to fall back in line just where we left off.  I called her baby and bae and I did stuff for her.  And we had just spent the night together a couple days prior.... So anyways he gets dropped off and I get dropped off at my location.  I had spoke to them the night before and they were supposed to bring me a chair to sit on while I pass out these flyers.  So a couple of hours later, Trenece calls me.  Me being still effected by finding out that she is yet in another secret relationship that I had no idea about and knew that she would never tell me, I answered the phone when she called, “Hey Trenece.”  and her response was, “Hey babe...  I’m on my way to you right now with the chair...”  That reply really fucked me up even more because now I am thinking, “What is her angle??”  So I responded with “cool” and hung up playing it cool like I don’t know anything.  Next thing I know she ends up calling me back and telling me that her car broke down and that she is stuck down at the gas station literally a block away from where I am stationed.  Now in this whole conversation she is telling me the problem and what needs to be done and how she does have any money all while ended every sentence with either baby or bae.  So I am not exactly sure how to deal with the situation being as though I just found out that she is/was fucking this dude that just got out the same car that I was in.  So I manned up and told her everything was going to be ok.  Sometime during the day I had spoke to Chantel and I casually mentioned that I know about her and Manquel but I more insinuated than told.  But at this moment, I just chose to be a friend and lend a helping hand.  So I ended up talking to her on the phone.  Calming her down a bit and told her that everything will be ok.  She did settle down a bit but the situation still needed to be handled.  So I called Chantel, to whom was out & about with Qiana doing their thang.  She told me that she spoke to Trenece and basically told her the exact same thing.  I ended up finishing my shift and walking down to sit with her while we wait for the tow truck.  Chantel had a mechanic come and look at her car and told her it was the alternator and that it needed to be replaced.  The phone call that I received prior was mostly about how she couldn’t pay the dude for the parts or the labor.  She ended up calling her ex-husband and had him send a tow truck to have it towed back to her parent’s house.  So I sat with her while she talked on the phone with Manquel about random shit until the tow truck arrived.  I gave her $100  and couple of cigarettes and when the tow truck lady came, so did Chantel.  They ended up dropping me off and we said our goodbyes.  Like I said, we ended up talking for the next couple of days about the car and how dude was bullshittin’ on fixing it but eventually got around to doing it for only $100 (parts & labor).  Me and Trenece ended up hanging out and chilling together a couple of times after that.  For the first couple of months, I tried to stay in the background and not really talk to her much but we still managed to see each other for some reason or another.  Finally, she called me out the blue and said that after taking her son back to the school he goes to that he left his ID and that he needs it for school to take tests and whatever whatnot.  So she was initially asking me for gas money but I ended up riding with her all the way there.  She almost fell asleep at the wheel when we got 20 minutes away.  So I told her that I would drive back.  She said ok and eventually she took a decent nap on the way back.  The next day I didn’t hear from her.  She was supposed to call me to let me know that she was ok and she didn’t.  Then the questioned popped up in my head, “If Thomas never left his ID, then when would have been the next time that I actually would have heard from her??”  I mean I seen her a couple of days prior because I told her to come over so I could put some gas in the car so she could take Thomas back to school.  But yet at the same time this was two days later and within those two days I heard nothing from her.  So I asked this question to Chantel and she said that that was something I really needed to ask Trenece because it was a very good question.  In our relationship prior we got into this mode where the ONLY time that I would see her is to do her some kind of favor and other than that I would see no hide nor hair from her ass until she needed something else.  So Chantel & I went over some talking points and how to present this argument to her.  I ended up calling Trenece afterwards and had a pretty decent conversation.  I just ended up telling her that WE need to comunicate better because I am not just coming down on HER but I admitted that I have sort of dropped the ball and just let things happen as well.  I told her that it isn’t important that I know every detail of her life and I am not telling her what to do, who to do it with and when.  I just told her to call me a little bit more and text me from time to time just so that neither one of us feels like the other is using them.  She said ok.  Fast forward the tape to this week.  Monday we get together and clean out the car.  I take all the stuff out and purge all the stuff that she didn’t need.  I bought a bunch of cleaning supplies and wiped down all the seats and the consoul and cleaned the windows.  We vacuumed the car but we were supposed to shampoo the carpets and seats but time got away from us.  We ended up going to a Mass Lib meeting.  During the meeting we find out that her parents got into a really bad car accident.  So after the meeting we took Chantel home and we rode up to the hospital to see how they were doing.  We ended up staying until 11:30 at night until the hospital told us that the kids couldn’t stay.  So I ended up driving back that night as well.  The next morning I get up and go to the store and buy a bin that she could use to get the stuff from the car and organize it in her room.  That way she could have more room in her van.  I also bought her a Snuggie and a pair of shoes that she could wear for busy work for comfort.  She was supposed to come over that day but time got away from her.  So Wednesday comes around.  I text her good morning.  Then she calls me two seconds later and we have this long conversation.  She tells me that she wants to just go ahead and drop the stuff off because they aren’t going to take any more mail after a certain date.  So I’m like cool.  We can just drive up there after I get off work and then I can come back and go back to work.  So after I get off my first shift I call her and tell her to come and pick me up from the house.  I wait about an hour and we end up going back to her house and getting the kids and then going to Chantel’s house and driving her around and then we eventually get on the road to go up there.  I am frustrated because of all these detours we are taking and I am wondering when we will get back because I want to be able to get to work and get my work done so I can go back home, go to sleep and then go to my other job.  Meanwhile, Trenece is all in a tizzy for some reason or another but I am too scared to ask.  From what I can read is that her and Manquel had broke up... probably because of me.  Chantel told me that he was really vocal about her relationship with me and he was really jealous.  I told her that that was very understandable.  But Chantel pointed out that it wasn’t from his vantage point because all he really sees from his side is me being a long, time good friend to Trenece.  He doesn’t know anything else.  So she is upset and the car ride was pretty solemn for a while.  When we pull over to a gas station.  We both get out and I walk ahead of her.  She asks me what Im doing and I tell her that I am about to put gas in the car.  She tells me that I don’t have to.  So I tell her to come towards me.  I gave her a big hug and said, “Everything is going to be ok.  Don’t worry. I got you.”  That’s when she leans her head into my shoulder and sighs.  Then I release her, look her in her eye and say, “ I love you....” I kiss her on her upper right cheek, smile and say, “ you know that right!?!”   Then she responds, “Yeah... I know...” Then she slowly walks back to  the car.  From this point on I am watching her to see if she getting ready to fall asleep.  She looks like she dozed a couple of times but never really fell asleep.  However, she did some swerving.  Then eventually she asks me if I mind driving back.  I told her no I don’t mind.  So we get there.  Drop off the clothes and start heading back.  That’s when Thomas calls and says that he needs some money for something at school.  So we double back... now Trenece is UP.  We are fussing about Thomas playfully and somehow I manage to slip in how I want to spend some time with her at a hotel room... you know... to unplug from the Matrix and she ACTUALLY agrees with me.  We get to the school. She drops off the money.  And then she gets back in the car and actually sets a date with me and puts it in her calendar.

We are calling it Chill Day.

It is January 2nd, 2019.

While she was putting the date in her phone, she said, “I should be off my period by then.”  I wasn’t sure if she was supposed to say that in her head or what because she kinda mumbled it.  So I acted like I didn’t hear a thing and we pulled off.  We ended up going to Burger King and the rest of the trip was a bunch of laughing and joking.  We really had a good time.  I got to work and clocked in at 12:15am.  We ended up texting back and forth for a bit before I got into full work mode.  I didn’t get off until 6am and only managed to get like 5 hours of sleep before going to Taco Bell.  That was Thursday.  Then yesterday I got off and stayed up until about 11 am.  I couldn’t sleep because her mom was in surgery and I was worried.  I tried to watch the Ranch on Netflix (Series 6) but that got too depressing.  I finally went to sleep around 11 and woke up at 4:15.  So I ended up walking to work.  On the way, I text Trenece, “Just woke up. Hope your have a great day. Walking to work. ttyl” or something to that account.  About an hour later she texts me a smiley face.  So on my break, I call her.  It rings 3 times and then goes to voicemail.  Which usually means that she ignored the call.  So I call Chantel and she doesn’t answer and so I just chill by myself for break.  I forgot to mention that on Thursday I called her on my break and we had a pretty decent conversation.  Just like I said, every time we talk and every time we are together it seems like we are good... but every time we aren’t it seems like we just aren’t good enough.  I feel as though that I should be all the man she needs.  I take care of her and she doesn’t break my pockets.  We are cool as a fan together and we NEVER get into any disagreements or arguments.  The kids love me. The family loves me and nothing between us seems wrong.  I can’t figure it out and I damn sure ain’t gonna go beating down bees nets for nothing.  If we were just close friends then this would not even be a problem.  I told Chantel how when I was talking on the phone when she was talking to her son’s girlfriend’s mom.  How she saw me on the phone, quickly cut the conversation, jumped in the car and then got relieved when she looked at my screen and saw I was talking to her cousin and not some other girl.  I told Chantel that we are good where we at right now.  I will see her when I see her.  I will talk to her when I talk to her and when we together we together and when we not I can do my own thang and she can do hers.  I said of course I ain’t got nothing going on, but it still feels good to know that I got options too.  I am just not looking for em.  I don’t get it but yet at the same time I really don’t have much else going on either so I am not gonna rock the boat for shits and giggles.  Manquel put on his FB story, “I need to get this money and I need 3 people to help me...”  I just shook my head,  That  is so sad.  I feel sorry for the guy but yet I am not gonna stop fucking with Trenece because of him.  I still love her and I love her the same since day one.  I mean sometimes I wonder just why she decided to start back talking to me in the first place and why she is so engage in our relationship NOW vs. back then.  Is it because I seem to have money out the ass and I am willing to do anything for her??  I mean she really didn’t have to take me back to Baltimore the other day... she could have just got some gas from me and rode out with Chantel... maybe she would have if it had not been for the conversation that I had with her about communication.  I haven’t had a decent conversation with Chantel in a few days and I am not sure what to think.  I just know that the next time that I talk to Trenece, it will be all peaches and cream just like the past few times that we went a couple of days without talking.  Who knows what she is doing and who she is doing it with... Like I said before,  a lot of times my thoughts go on the dark side and I end up being completely wrong.  She could have ignored my call for several different reasons.  Yet the main reason I should not get upset is that she is not my girl for real.  We just really close... and even if we were to make things offiicial (finally after 6 years lol) then I still have to learn how to trust her.  So I will continue to be this cool, calm, chill, collective, and confident dude that I portray outside of my room and on social media because I know that one day... she will come around.

With Love,

Maurice Noel Lyons

[5point9million-blog]

The Morning After...

The time we, Me & Trenece, spend together is memorable to say in the least.  Yesterday she came and got me and me her and Chantel cleaned out her car and we had a blast.  Afterwards we went to go get her kids and went to a meeting for Mass Lib.  During the meeting, she got a call saying that her parents were in a real bad car accident.  So after the meeting we dropped Chantel off in the house and went up to the hospital and chilled for a minute while they ran some test.  They seemed ok.  Her mom was having chest pains and they decided to keep her over night.  Her sister, Lashawn, her neice, Kia, and her father decided to stay but we had to take the kids back home.  I drove back to my house and then she went back to her house.  I made sure to call her and make sure that she got home safe because she seemed really tired.

This morning I had text her that I was going to the store to get the tote I said that I was going to get her.  We managed to clear out most of the junk and vacuum the rugs and wipe off the seats and clean the windows but we never got around to actually washing the car.  I bought about $36 of cleaning supplies.  We planned on washing the car and shampooing the seats but time got away from us.  So I told her that I was going to get the tote and we could link back up tomorrow.... which is today.

Like I said, we had a really good time and we both enjoyed each others company.  The thing is is that even though we have a good time together.  Even though I cater to her and do all these wonderful things with her and for her, she still seems to cling to other men like I ain’t enough for her.  What really makes me feel some type of way is that she chooses these men over me and they don’t even seem to want or care to do the same things that I do.  I mean her nigga spends way more time with her than me but why did he let her van get to that point??  It makes me question on whether or not that I should do for her the way that I do.

I love her.

I guess that pretty much sums it up.

Me & Chantel had a short talk about her when she went into the Panda Express.  I pretty much said that the reason why I love her so much is that her problems are unique to themselves.  She doesn’t have the same issues as a basic female.  She isn’t irritating, she doesn’t nag all the time, she isn’t super jealous or catch attitudes for no good reason.  It’s just when it comes to her personal affairs, she just isn’t proactive enough.  Then on top of that, when someone seems to step in and help her... she seems to drop the ball altogether.  Chantel was telling me that we just have to stick together and support her and eventually she will come around.  She was saying that maybe she just never really had that type of support and that maybe that is the reason why she is the way that she is.... IDK??!

I just know that I text her this morning and she text me back. I told her that I was going to the store and get the stuff I said I was going to get her and that I was going to call her later to see when she can come over to get it.  About 5, 6 hrs later, I call her and she doesn’t answer.  Now that doesn’t mean that anything is wrong per say... but I always get a funny feeling in my gut when things don’t go my way with her.  I guess that is just one of my private demons that I have to deal with alone.  Her and her dude are “beefing” for some reason and not talking.  

I know I made her feel special.  She bleached her hair.  I told her she looked gourgous.  She smiled and then I gave her a big hug.  I shared my food with her and tended to her needs while they were in a meeting.  I honestly AM a part of this group but yet at the same time I am really just an active volunteer at this point.  Trenece has become a true partner and has taken a role and is spearheading her own departments and everything.  I made sure that she didn’t have to get up so that she could really pay attention.  I was paying attention too but yet at the same time I don’t have to consciously focus as much as her to do that.

I know I had a point to make but honestly I cannot remember what it was.  I guess venting on here helped a bit.  I know that she is not going to just leave dude.  I know that they will go through some ups and downs but at the same time, but truly believe that it will fizzle out eventually.  I just have to play my role and be that good friend on the sidelines.  I just have to chill and act like everything is cool even though I get stomach pains from her actions from time to time.  As long as she is ok then I’m ok too.  If we don’t meet today then we can just meet another day... its cool.  I know I feel some type of way but yet at the same time I have to know my place and not overstep my boundaries.  I can’t be petty or passive aggressive.  I have to be the loyal, caring, loving, and supportive person that I have always been and trust God that everything will come together for the good in the end.

I have a lot of questions though.  Like what made her start back talking to me in the first place.  I know that I had got her number by her calling me to say that she was on the way to get me to do early voting and that I kind of slipped my way in by asking her to pierce my ears.  Yet at the same time she really didn’t have to entertain me with that at all.  So, it’s been a little over two months since we have been talking and things just seem to be the same.

I just talked to her father and he said that they are trying to find her mother’s “normal” to be able to tell what her “abnormal” is.  So that could be a while.  I just told him that I just called to check in and tell them that they are in my prayers.  Like I was telling Chantel a couple of days ago that it doesn’t matter how much I do because I give her the world and that may or may not tug on her heart strings.  What matters is MY motivation behind what I do.  I do what I do now just because I care and not to get anyone to do stuff for me.  Truth is is that Trenece can say she is busy til her heart is contend but the truth is is that she gives priority to whatever and whomever she wants to.  I just have to get her to the point to where she is interested in spend time and being with me.

I thanked Chantel for being on this adventure with me yesterday because the truth is is that I have been mentioning cleaning the car out since September but the ball really didn’t get rolling until SHE stepped in.  I guess that’s just one of the things that she has over me.  And I’m not completely mad... just a little jealous lol smh.  I just talked to Chantel.  She said that “they” were on their way to a meeting.  So I am left to assume that she is with Trenece and probably been with her for this whole morning I guess.  Hopefully she was able to go and get that stuff done for her son so he can go to the prom with proper attire.  Me on the other hand, I bought me so decent clippers. Cut my sides and trimmed my beard.  Took a nap and now I am just on the computer. bored.  Like I said, I guess I will see her when I see her and talk to her when I talk to her.

Every time we do talk she seems like we cool.  So I guess I just have to be cool with that.  I can tell when she is getting frustrated with me and I am not on the list of folks that she will keep on board when she gets to that point.  I know that her threshold (for me) is just above “above average”.  So I have to stay on her good side to make sure that we at least stay in communication.  In reality, she is a unemployed mother of 5 who lives with her parents.  Yeah they have that thing going on with Life After Release but that ain’t paying the bills right now.  But I will do my part that way it can.  They have already done so much and are continuously making connections in order to grow and move forward.  It really has only been a year and the organization has already rubbed elbows with political figures and has reached media attention.  So I truly believe in this movement.  So, with all that being said... I can see why Trenece could feel like she doesn’t deserve a nigga like me... and she probably doesn’t.  But the simple fact is is that I love her and there is nothing anyone can do about it.  So I invest my time, talent and treasure to make sure that she becomes the best Trenece EVER.

Love,

Maurice Noel Lyons

[5point9million-blog]

Conflict Resolution

Me and Trenny had a talk a couple of days ago.  I had called her because I recognized that she wasn’t in the habit of calling or texting me.  Yet when she needed to go all the way out Baltimore to drop something off at her son’s school... THATS WHEN SHE CALL... Now I am not saying that I am being used or that she is trying to get over on me.  It’s just that I noticed a pattern starting to happen and I felt like expressing my feelings.  I told her it’s not just a YOU thing but a WE thing.  Because honestly, and this is what I told her, that was really the first time of me actually calling HER.  So I can’t place the blame all on her in the failure to communicate.  So I told her that I was going to try to call her and text her more.  I told her that I know that she is grown woman and that she hangs with other people and they do stuff together and I can’t put her in a glass jar.  I said that just doesn’t necessarily have to call and tell me every single last detail of her life but just to shoot a text or call every once in a while to check in and I’ll do the same.  And every once in a while, pencil me in and spend some time with me.  She said she would try and I believe her.  The thing is is that she really isn’t that great with calling and texting in the first place.  So I have to give her some leeway on that.  Then I know that I can’t just expect her just to change on a dime just because I expressed my feelings.  The simple fact is is that she does have a lot of stuff on her plate and a lot of people demand things from her.  My focus is being her support much rather taking care of her.  Trenece needs to be more self sufficient.  So I am not going to enable her.  I’ll be there when I can but at the same time I am not going to try and solve all her problems.  She needs to do that herself.  And it really has everything to do with protecting myself and making sure that I have everything straight on my end.  Trenece used to be my whole world and everything in it revolved around pleasing her and her well-being.  That in turn destroyed me and she ended up leaving me and going to some other dude that could take better care of her than I could.  Right now we are in a better place.  I can actually do certain things for her and not really take a major hit for it.  Plus because of my work schedule and other things I have going on.  It occupies my time when we are apart.  I am not always thinking of ways to “get her to see things my way”.  At the end of the day, she is her own person and makes decisons based off of her thoughts and feelings.  And in the end I have to respect that either way no matter what she decides to do.

[5point9million-blog]

Everything Else Is Just Cheese...

Well it’s 4:52 am and I have to be to work in a little over an hour.  I pretty much slept all day yesterday and I have been up since 3 in the afternoon.  Trenny just left me about 3 or so hours ago.  We just went to the gas station so I could fill her tank up and give her some cigarettes. (which is stated in the last post).  So I am typing this to air out my thoughts.  I wish things were different between us and that we could be an actual “couple”.  But as per stated in the last post, that is probably not even possible.  The only thing that I can truly put my money on is that we continue as friends and see each other once or twice a week meanwhile she goes through her relationships.  I have no other motive or agenda just because placing faith in such things seem futile.  Right now my main objective is to claim my destiny and to continue doing the purpose in which God has placed me on this earth to do.  Everything else is just cheese.  It’s just extra blessings that really are not needed in the grand scheme of life.  On one side of the coin, that sounds noble and honorable.  But on the flip side of the coin, it means that I have to suffer quietly meanwhile other’s gain off of my generousity. Trenece is sure benefiting from have me back in her life as well as her children.  I just gave her daughter my old laptop because I got this one that I am typing on right now.  The other day I bought every one pizza.  And on top of me fixing her car, I got her a new coffee mug and some windshield wiper fluid.  I also promised her that I was going to detail her car.  I seems as if the only way I can get her to come over is by promising her to give her things.  Yet in still, that is probably on;y because I keep giving her things due to my insashable need to do things for people.  It’s not her fault.  Most would only be doing these things to get inside her drawls... (Seriously, if you haven’t read the last post then you should.)  The funny thing is that every time I get to doing my bible study it never mentions the wooing of a woman.  The revelation that I recieve is just to keep moving forward and being the person that God has created me to be.  I kind, loving, sensitive, thoughtful, loyal and trustworthy person.  Usually all of these negative thoughts and feelings only come about when I vear from the path. (I’m sorry... I haven’t figured out spell check yet.)  That if I continue on my path the way that I have been then everything that is meant for me will be mine.  I mean think about it.  Trenece and I haven’t spoke in over a year but now she seems to be back in my life.  Everything seems to be coming together and my fear of straying from my current path is greater than any other fear that I may have.  I may not always “feel good” about doing the right thing but I always know that doing the right thing is just the right thing to do.  So I guess we will just see what happens in the future.... cuz I damn sure don’t know.

With Love,

Maurice Noel Lyons