4sh7lee

[4sh7lee]

Alexa, open Spotify.

Every day I wake up and live in this world with fear, doubt, and vulnerability surrounding me. Constantly thinking about all the possibilities and impossibilities just like a stoplight holding me back: go, pause, and stop. During my junior high school years, I was quite reserved. I always restrain myself from doing things that I can be proud of. I kept restraining myself from expressing who I was as I constantly felt misunderstood by the people around me. But at the same time, there is also a part of me that is never afraid to take risks, express my opinion, and stand up for myself even if I am enclosed will all these dismissive thoughts. And it is because I have friends who are always there to clap their hands to show their love and support for me. But those people also have their own lives.

April 28, 2023, was the day I found out that my friends whom I spent almost my whole life with are officially going to our universities. A lot of them are pursuing medicine, one is aiming to be a flight attendant and an accountant while I am still holding on to that Psychology dream. The negative thoughts are back once again. It made me question if I can do it. If I can enroll myself on my own without the help from them. If I am confident to start having lunch on my own and if I am ready to take full responsibility and be independent. Those midnight thoughts and realization hit me that I have been depending too much on the people around me. A thought that completely changed my perspective in life and on myself. It made me question if all my accomplishments were achieved because of them and not because of my knowledge and talent.  

On the bright side, perhaps now is the moment to give myself the liberty to live without fear and to stop constantly expecting to have others to lean on. Dependence on others and being vulnerable are not indications of weakness; rather, they are feelings and actions that I need to learn how to manage. Because these things prevent me from blossoming on my own. A line from a song entitled “You’re on your own, kid,” perfectly expresses all my silent battles. "From sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes, I gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this" because this time I should give credit to myself for every obstacle, awakening, and experience I have gained over the past few years just to be where I am now.

And with that, I would like to dedicate myself to the song by Taylor Swift from her Midnight Album called “You’re on your own kid.” I would also like to include a line in her speech at New York University saying that the “scary news is you are on your own now, but the cool news is you are on your own now.” Because I believe this line and the whole song perfectly depict my life right now. Leaving high school, being independent, and pursuing a different career from my friends might seem scary but it is a beautiful indication that I am officially on my own. This period of my life serves as a reminder to take chances and do things that will make me proud to tell my future grandchildren, with laughter on my face.  

Nobody wants to live with regrets, even me. I may lose a few people on this journey, but as Taylor once remarked, "Everything you lose is a step you take." I may be graduating in 2 months, but I am still the kid who prefers eating chicken every day rather than vegetables. And to that kid, you are officially on your own and you can face it. Remember that life would be full of stoplights, possibilities, and impossibilities. Uncertainty would always be there, but as you live in this world, you should learn how to live with it, how to conquer it, and how to be boundless. This is not the end; you are just getting started.

[4sh7lee]

“Let Me Come Home”

“I have never loved one like you, laugh until we think we'll die, moats and boats and waterfalls, barefoot on a summer night and in the streets you run a-free,” these are lyrics from a song called Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros which perfectly sum up my experience and evoke memories of me living in this province. There is never a dull moment in my hometown full of beauty and history. And I can still remember the moment goosebumps spread throughout my body as soon as I realize that the song "Home" perfectly captures how I feel every time I come back home because, in the end, home is whenever I am with my family and friends who perfectly embody this song. 

[4sh7lee]

Hello

August 2022, was the last time I opened and posted on this account. That was the month everything changed. It was the start of my last high school year and now May 2023 is my last month in high school. Grateful for everything 2022 gave and offered to me. Truly an incredible and meaningful year. 2022, you are the year of everything. What a great memory.

[4sh7lee]

Find me in the lost and found section

On the cold dawn of December 21, 2004, I was born with the same black wavy hair as my mom and brown skin as my father. My mother has considered me her birthday gift since I was born the day before her 30th birthday. She named me after her friend’s daughter, Ashley, but she changed the y to letter e. Marika was a name I used to dislike not until a friend changed my perception. I believe it fits me more than Ashlee, it may sound weird, but Marika is the star of the sea; beloved; bitter; rebellious. When I was a kid, I believed I was not rebellious because, with just one glance of my mother at me, I would quickly stop whatever I was doing or saying because it indicates that my behavior is inappropriate. Furthermore, growing up in the province is one of the many things I am thankful for. Living a simple life surrounded by nature and the people I treasure the most was such bliss. And even though my father is an OFW, he still fulfills his responsibilities. He was still present for most of my childhood. My favorite memory of him when I was a child was when we would ride his motorcycle everywhere. I can still remember how the wind would blow my hair in unison with our laughter over things we would see on the road.

When my father is home, he becomes my mom and my source of transport. We would ride his motorcycle from going to my grandparents’ house which I consider another home. I would be greeted by my grandparents, auntie, and cousin whom I consider my twin every time I arrive at their house. My cousin is two years younger than me, meaning I am the oldest grandchild, and niece in my mother’s family. We were always together, wore the same clothes and hairstyles, and went to the same school from kindergarten up to senior high school. People say that we look alike but I do not think so. I have wavy hair while she has straight hair. She has fair skin just like her mother while I have dark skin like my father. She is Chinita while I am a typical Filipino girl. Nevertheless, we were both adored by our families, and grew up in a loving and caring household.

Moreover, we also participated in various summer workshops for ballet, dancing, and volleyball when we were kids. And even though I met new friends, I felt out of place. Also, I could not find something that I really enjoyed doing, where my true interest lies when I was young. Being constantly compared puts a lot of pressure on me. I dance and play volleyball but only on average. I used to be envious of people my age who were already aware of their abilities, talents, and skills. I only knew how to observe and analyze the behaviors of those around me, such as if my parents are on good terms or not. But now that I am older, I have realized that I should stop using the word "only" in describing my abilities because these allowed me to discover my passion.

But it was not a one-snap thing; when I entered junior high school, it was a bit overwhelming meeting new individuals with different personalities, talents, etc. I was again lost in a room full of intelligent and skilled classmates, in between friends who were good at sports, singing, dancing, studying, etc. What am I? I felt like I did not belong there. I started to wonder; will I ever find my true strengths? What if I change myself? What if I try to be like them? Those were thoughts that constantly popped into my head, thoughts that left a mark on me. It changed the way I see and present myself. But what if there is really nothing wrong with me? What if I am blinded by my own insecurities? What if I stop thinking about others and just focus on myself? And what if I am just in the wrong environment? Well, I really do think I was in the wrong environment. I realize I do not have to change myself just to fit in and grow because a healthy environment will help me flourish rather than change myself. It was difficult for me to find myself, to find where I truly shine, and to find something about which I could say, "para rito ako," because the roads and opportunities leading there were limited.

In order for me to grow, I should learn to unplug. Unplug from things that have nothing to do with me. Unplug from people who only bring me hassle. Unplug from environments that cause pollution to my well-being. And unplug from the side of me that can possibly bring harm to the people around me. One of the best decisions I have ever made was to leave the place where I met the people who have become a part of me. But the universe had other plans; to cut a long story short, the pandemic happened, but still, I was able to disconnect from those things while reconnecting to more important things such as God, family, friends, and especially myself. Throughout the pandemic, I was given more chances to discover more about myself. I discovered my love for photography and interest in psychology.  

Furthermore, they say that life is full of peaks and valleys, and there will always be that one event in life that will make you agree with the idea. And in my case, I experienced heartbreak in friendship. From moments of just goofing around, I found my friends having the most hurt and disappointed facial expressions. Even if he was sending me mixed signals, he was also the one who made me feel that I should take one of the biggest risks I can take in life. I recall having a conversation with him in which he said he wanted to be my patient in the future when I become a clinical psychologist. That simply motivated me to pursue my goals because there are people like him who need help especially when it comes to their mental well-being. That experience may have ended on the side of the valley, but it provided life lessons and realizations that will lead me to the peaks of life.  

There will always be one antagonist in my head that will keep on discouraging me, but the antagonist never wins, the protagonist in me will prove that I deserve to be in that field. That discouragement would not hinder me from working hard to arrive at my destination after years of searching for it. And on the most random days, people would approach you and say the most important things you needed to hear. God will give me signs that would tell me that I am on the right path, signs that would tell me that those years of self-discovery are all worth it. He will use my friends and family as an instrument to remind me to explore more and never give up in life.  

There would always be days when I felt discouraged, but five words could shake me out of it, “How’s our family’s future Psychologist?" Hearing that line, I suddenly remembered the old me who was struggling to find where she truly shines, and I just want to tell her that all those days would be worth it. You will arrive at this part of your life wherein you do not have to be envious of others because you can finally say “para dito ako.” There will also be a time when you will realize that change is inevitable, and you will always discover and rediscover new things. You will realize that everyone has their own timeline, and that life is not a race. Everyone will get to their destination at their own pace. Yes, life has its uncertainties, but one thing is certain: you will always gain new knowledge and experience. Everything in life is complicated, discovering oneself and true calling. Because that is how life is, it would be an endless journey. Au revoir à bientôt!

[4sh7lee]

You'll find love when you least expect it It could be any minute

HONNE, Crying Over You

[4sh7lee]

SHS

Humss was my shs strand of choice because of what it has in store for me . I’ve known for a long time that this is the path ill take , however prior to this I had no idea what this strand was all about . After doing some research I realized that this strand is the one for me . I know that it will benefit and develop me not just as a student as well as a person , it has a lot to offer to an individual like me . People advise choosing a strand that is related to your dream path.

And for me, Psychology has always been a fascinating and engrossing topic for me. I like to learn more about society, the people around me and particularly myself. I am curious as to what they believe, how they think. When my friends ask me for support or advice when they are having issues, it makes me happy that they want to know about my opinion. Sometimes when I am unable to provide them with answers, I get frustrated with myself.

Some would wonder why I didn’t just choose stem if I wanted to study psychology since it is also related to medicine. Let’s admit it, stem is the safest strand due to its subject and the benefits it provides, especially on college entrance exams. They emphasize and place a greater emphasis on stem subject than on other strands. But I decided to take the risk rather than place it safe. It is also because I am aware that humss will be more beneficial. I know that this strand will help me develop my communication skills, which I am aware that I lack. I also know that humss will help me boost my self-esteem.

As Humss als discusses politics, history and other topics about which I'd like to learn more. I'm impressed with how this strand addresses and discusses current events in our society. As It also includes public speaking, debates as well as essay writing, all of which I'd like to build on. I am aware that I am not the best at writing essays and that I struggle with writing poems and stories, but I am confident and hopeful that I will improve. 

Mygrammar, vocabulary and writing skills are also things I'd like to improve. In fact, I was torn between abm and humss because I wanted to learn about business management, and starting my own business is one of my dreams.However, I realize that I can still accomplish that goal, but in a different way. I know that this journey I am about to begin will be my first in every way. I am looking forward to begin this journey... SUN 10:09 AM *written on 042021