2ndqtexam

[2ndqtexam]

I keep it on silent

I keep my phone on silent, all the time. I don’t like the sound of the high-pitched “ring” that reverberates within my room whenever something of minor significance comes up. Something about it irritated and unsettled me, like that feeling that you get before getting a jump-scare from some movie. It wasn’t always like this though, no, in fact, if anything it was quite the opposite. I remember it distinctly, my first ever phone I mean, from its heft, weight, the roughness of the cheap plastic it was made of, and of course the black and bright yellow paint scheme which assaulted the eyes of anyone unfortunate enough to have seen it. But I was like 7 years old back then, assaulting eyes was practically my day job. So naturally, I took no offense to it. I think I liked it so much because it made me feel like an adult, one who could make calls, take photos, and play this weird, untitled block game for hours on end, it was freedom. Over the years, I got new phones and the novelty of owning one gradually faded away.

Eventually, I found myself not playing weird untitled block games for hours on end, and instead browsing through Facebook feeds and the messenger app. It was nifty that you were able to talk to your friends from miles away (as long as you had access to the internet) and I made full use of that feature. Every ping and every ring would be answered in seconds because I was watching my phone like a hawk. Perhaps for Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO) I constantly had to be browsing through my social media feeds to see what the latest trends were. If I didn’t know them, I would worry that I wouldn’t be able to join in on my friends’ conversations the next morning. But I was bad at keeping up, notoriously so. Heck, I remember going out with my father one time and I noticed this new store about a block away from our house, I asked him since when that has been there, and he said that the store’s been there for months, I just never noticed it.

It just wasn’t in me, I guess. The ability to keep in touch. But this whole keeping up thing isn’t really the reason why I came to hate hearing my phone ring, it only led up to it.

You see, I was a frequent participant in extra-curricular activities. Whatever it may be, if I was called up, you know I was going to do it. Well, it was more like I had to do it. The pressure from the expectations of both my parents and my teachers was quite heavy. And saying no would put so much weight on my mind that I’d rather just do it and be done with it. That’s why I started to like spending my lunches alone, so I could get some quiet in an otherwise turbulently noisy campus. I also began spending a lot more time in my room, a private place where I felt calm. Calm, at least until my phone starts ringing again. In the beginning, I didn’t think much of it, I just assumed they were all messages from my friends, and I would immediately respond in kind. But sometimes, message requests from names I recognized to be from some of my teachers popped up. Every time, without fail these messages would either be a request for participation in some activity somewhere or a message to inform me that I was going to be doing something for some competition sometime in the future. I hated it, sure I still responded yes to all of them, but it really wasn’t easy as the entirety of my being wanted to say no.

Moving into quarantine, I had a lot more time to think for myself. I realized that if I kept forcing myself like this a burnout would be inevitable. So, I started being more selfish. I turned off my notifications and learned how to say no to requests that I simply didn’t want to do. This whole experience taught me that my confidence in my abilities must not come from a sense of validation gained through the approval of others. This allowed me to open my mind to support movements for youth rights and the acceptance of marginalized communities into society because while my experience does not come close to the suffering of others, I know what it feels like to be constrained.

#sirmond #2ndqtexam