25in2021

[25in2021]

Seattle Trip September 3-8

Mahsa taught me a lot about self awareness and not trusting anyone but yourself.

Highlights include:

- breaking the rules and parking the kayak at gasworks park and sprinting after photos to make sure the kayak we hid in the bushes wasn’t stolen

- taking photos at the empty pikes place market at 2AM

-Mahsa guiding me about men after the club and bawling about my assault experience when I did not take control

-admiring the interior design of her apartment

Can’t wait to go back.

[25in2021]

Halfshell Cruises August 2021

[25in2021]

Italy Vacation July 29-August 7

[25in2021]

Immaturity 10/19

Here I am bawling and asking God again why I’m so immature. Khrystian told me that he feels like he has to parent me when I’m abroad or out and worry and doesn’t believe me when I say that I can take care of myself. It’s so bad that he’s not willing to be with me while overseas because he thinks I’ll be assaulted again, and the pain really hurts him so he can’t go through that again.

The part that hurts is that my self esteem/value is so low that I want to work on self awareness and sticking up for myself for HIM. Not even for myself. Why is my self esteem so low especially for my age. I’m literally turning 26 soon and I’m okay with hanging out with creepy men that want to take advantage of me?? Not okay. I look to other people to guide me and help me whereas I should already have the strength and knowledge to know when something is right or wrong.

I hate that my immediate reaction to all of this is being depressed and hurting myself. Am I 16???? The mature response would be to take this in and just be mindful moving forward.

[25in2021]

[25in2021]

Kings dominion reunion trip - July 10

[25in2021]

Struggling - July 11

Mental health is low and I’ve had waves of sadness overwhelm me every other day. I’ve pretty much been off the entire year and I’m not completely sure why. Here are some reasons why I think I’m not doing so hot and the impact it’s having on me.

1. Always wanting something better

2. Imposter Syndrome

3. Being too empathetic and taking on peoples burdens

4. Feeling undeserving, no voice, low self esteem, doesn’t want to take up space

5. Feeling like I am not growing in the home environment that I’m in

Impact:

1. Really disliking myself

2. Struggling to remain faithful in relationship. Rarely speak/see khrystian so out of sight out of mind. Constantly emotionally cheat on him.

- results in massive and constant guilt

- feeling torn inside

2. Feeling alone because feeling like I have no one to talk to about this

- doesn’t want to talk to khrystian about it because wants to appear strong and confident and hesitant to sound immature or fear that he wouldn’t understand/would view me differently

[25in2021]

Things me and Khrystian disagree on - May 5

1. Finances

2. Religion

3. Politics

4. Medicine

5. Parenting/Eldest sibling styles

6. Work/Life balance

7. Race/LGBT issues

Things I don’t like about him:

1. Insensitivity

2. Thinking he’s better than everyone (he called me a bum yet he has unrealized goals such as masters, FE, making a ton of money working in industry)

3. Racist

Goddamn this is a long list and these are vital values! I foresee all of these as fights in the long run, and we’re both stubborn too.

[25in2021]

Paolo’s Surprise Birthday Party - April 9

[25in2021]

Paolo’s 21st Birthday Part 1 - March 31

[25in2021]

1st COVID Vaccine (Moderna) - March 31, 2021

[25in2021]

Car Accident - March 25, 2021 @ 7:20pm

Just went to pick up birria tacos for the fam and a 27 yr old rammed into me.

[25in2021]

Kyra & Mharc bought a $500k condo - March 17

3/17/2021

I am so freaking happy for her. I feel like she’s on the fast track to settling down (although she does not admit it). I say that because she has a very clear vision of her timeline: live at home for a couple more years, GET MARRIED IN 2024, move into the condo, have kids. This is already a normal topic of discussion in their household!

This has me feeling a lot of emotions. I am so incredibly happy for her. An hour ago until now I’ve been having a fucking mental breakdown and I’m trying to figure out why. Me and Kyra have always been on the same path but the fact that she’s done this thing where she bought a house and is planning to get married in a few years intimidates the shit out of me. It makes me feel BEHIND. Now I think I feel jealousy (or FOMO), not that I want any of that soon but I’ve always wanted me and khrystian to even talk about that kind of stuff. We’ve fought endlessly about it for years so it’s made me into a person that desires goals first (live abroad for a few years) and then marriage. Now that Kyra is planning for marriage that’s freaking me the hell out. I’m even talking to Tracy about (can’t remember the last time we’ve talked for more than a sentence) and her dad is pushing for her and Jeremy to officially live together, which is INSANE. So she’s doing that now, she’s taking the next steps too.

I feel like I would cross that maturity border with my parents if I crossed that border in my own relationship. I wish we could talk about it.

Excited -> profusely crying -> feeling behind -> jealousy -> sadness in 1 hour

[25in2021]

Narcolepsy Diagnosis - February 16

Can’t say I’m surprised but my reaction was relieved to find out but mad that this is going to affect me for the rest of my life. It’s so disruptive and I wish I could function like a normal person. Instead this has me sleeping in, being sleepy all day and then feeling wide awake at night so I feel like I need to be productive past midnight. Hopefully the medicine and committing to a normal routine will regulate my schedule.

I cried about it one night at kboy’s when I was ready to be productive whereas it was 1am and he was ready to sleep, and that’s when it hit me that I wasn’t normal. He literally told me that we’ll get through it and he’s always there for me🥺❤️

#2/28/2021

[25in2021]

Snowboarding/DC for 2 Weeks - February 28

I got to stay with khrystian for two whole weeks at his apartment in dc! It was only supposed to be for one weekend to snowboard but we ended up snowboarding for two weekends! Glad I was able to telework from there. Highlights include the first snowboarding trip we took where I used my points to get a free hotel for a night, babe taught me how to heel stop and I fell in love with snowboarding!! Also playing overcooked with victor Kboy Kayla and Kevin. It was so much fun and I loved spending time with Khrystian🥺 For Valentine’s Day we went to Costco with victor and had a nice steak and pasta dinner with wine and watched to all the boys 3 on Netflix and night school.

#2/28/2021

[25in2021]

I just realized I never put this on my tumblr so...

I was raped by a South Korean pilot when I went to Korea for the third time in September, 2019. I went to therapy for it March-July, 2020.

He had 2 little girls and a wife. I saw him a couple months later and it was fine.

I blamed myself for it for a while but I realized if I don’t feel guilty, it was not consensual. I’m past it now. Only khrystian knows, I’ve been wanting to tell Kyra but have not found the right time.

2/1/2021

[25in2021]

Feb 1, 2021 2:11am

Back to hunkering down in quarantine. Just reported that the South African variant is in Maryland. I can’t even eat out safely. I’ve been keeping busy since March but just now I’m allowing myself to feel SAD nostalgia over past memories like traveling. We cryin in the club bc I went to 3 Disney parks in one day with Alec exactly a year ago. I just want to eat at a rooftop restaurant in NYC. I want to fly to Seattle and visit Mahsa and camp in the Washington parks. I just want to eat at a restaurant here with Kasey and Amanda and NOT feel like I’m endangering my dad’s LIFE. I should allow myself to feel like this instead of feeling shame or guilt that I should be lucky to be healthy.

I just have to focus on what I can do now so that my future self will thank me. Finish my masters. Invest. Pour $ into my TSP. Make that side hustle money. This is temporary.

It’s also showed me that life is too short. If I want to move to Europe, fucking DO IT. Move 100%.