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12conatusezine · 2 years

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Diary Entries

"Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you" - Mae West

The Diary of Nica Montederamos

(Excerpts from 3/22/2021 – 1/10/2022)

March 22nd 2021: The pandemic hasn't gone away. It's been a couple of months since it began. My happy life abruptly turned gloomy. My doubts grew as I had more time on my hands. I have a lot of time on my hands to imagine horrible thoughts. As a fat girl, I'm inherently more sensitive, have insecurities, and feel every word a little more deeply than intended. Girls my age are growing up to be gorgeous, yet they are still comparing themselves to others. So, how did that affect me? I feel horrible. With insecurities ticking away like a time bomb waiting to go off. Looking at images of my friends, I compared myself to them. I feel weak and exhausted but I was still convincing myself that I'm okay because I'm used to it. I'm here in my bed thinking, When will this end?

January 10th 2022: How many years has it been since the pandemic began? Has it been almost three years? Three long years, stuck at home doing the same old thing. Stuck at my house not being able to meet my friends. Do I still have friends? I mean I lost contact with them months after the first lockdown. The anxiety and insecurity are still there. Not planning to leave. It annoys me, there are numerous parts of my life about which I am insecure. I feel insecure about my appearance and I'm also insecure that my friends don’t stick with me for a long time, a lot of them left me broken, and I had to pick all of the pieces alone. I don't feel good enough or pretty enough if I go with my cousins. My cousins are good looking, but me? I'm a fat girl that has a lot of issues. I get worried to go out because I believed that people will not like. Till this time, I still get scared that the people that I have will leave me. When will this end?

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The Diary of Shiela Maputol

(Excerpts from 11/8/2020 – 11/16/2020)

November 8th, 2020: “The day that I feared the most has come. My drought heart is watered with my own tears as I took a peek at the coffin, where one of the men whom I adore is laying. My heart aches every time I go down to my memory lane on how I couldn’t fulfill my grandfather’s request before his last breath. A simple request but seems so impossible…A request that could have been done if it wasn’t for the pandemic. Today is the last day where we could see and at least feel his presence. It was like a hard pill to swallow that by next tomorrow there is no more Godofredo in our life. By just that though I don’t know if I’ll be able to cope with it.”

November 16th, 2020: “As I sat down on a bench and looked up in the night sky, I’ve realized these past few weeks it seems to me like I am in a portal of tenebrosity with no way out. The drought came as the raindrops left. I mourned so hard that sorrow and misery became my companion since that day. I keep asking God, why? There are so many nefarious people in this world who don’t deserve their lives, so, why him? these days felt like I’m a soulless individual who is doing her usual routine just to say that I’m still living. This is the thing when you lose someone so dear to you, you’ll never know when will you get over it or will you ever. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to be freed in this quicksand of melancholy.

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The Diary of John Kyper Po

(Excerpts from 01/14/2022- 03/20/2022)

January 14th 2022: "It's been 2 weeks bygone with a fresh start of the year 2022. Finishing what I've started is my core NEW YEAR'S resolution. Rising up from bed to be productive as I can be; gearing up with the mamba mentality in my mind inspired by the legend Kobe Bryant. My father was gobsmacked as he saw me wake up early. I was ready to go with confidence in my path. One of our BPATs (Barangay Peacekeeping Action Teams) noticed me — I instinctively greeted him with a good morning. He then sarcastically said to me "Sa sunod agahan mo gid pa ha!" My mood suddenly shifted, I was uninterested in bouncing and shooting the ball. I shivered in my dried sweat, the court gave me goosebumps as I went straight back home hiding in my room. It seems like I'm a whippersnapper…

March 20th 2022: "The fear is still there, I can sense them whenever I pass on the Barangay — what a shameful experience. Those words still flow towards my veins not just because I took it personally but because I love basketball badly. Now I'm here, in my four cornered room full of resentment. Oh boy… it seems like you missed the splashing of the net, the echoes of your shoes on the floor and the crossover with a shimmy on it…all of these thoughts are skedaddling in my mind but I still have the fear from it… I guess I will spend most of my time lollygagging in my room…it's my comfort place where I hide my shenanigans."

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The Diary of John Kyper Po

(Excerpts from 01/14/2022- 03/20/2022)

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The Diary of Kathleen Joy Somogod

(Excerpts from 01/21/22 – 03/21/22)

February 9th 2022: “I don't want to go out yet though it's already afternoon. I'm tempted to lock myself up in my room. I'd like to remain in our home and hide until the people who were at the party last night forget about all of the embarrassing things I did. Last night, I was so inebriated that I did a lot of things that individuals who are socially apprehensive, like myself, couldn't do. I couldn't quit thinking about what I'd done the night before. I'm having panic attacks and anxiety attacks. I'm losing track of time and experiencing flashbacks to yesterday night's events. I'm hoping that keeping myself busy would help me from not thinking about it too much.”

March 19th 2022: “I've been apprehensive since the moment I awoke. I reached for my phone, but it instantly vanished from my table's presence. I'm starting to feel frightened, and I'm not sure why; it's just my phone, which isn't really important. I was looking for my phone, I was startled when my father opened my room door aggressively by accident. I was close to passing out from nervousness, but I came back to my senses, and my father helped me calm down and returned my phone, which he had borrowed without my permission earlier so that I would not be disturbed while sleeping.”

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The Diary of Kenneth Jay Sanchez

(Excerpts from 02/22/22 – 03/14/22)

February 22, 2022: It was my mother's birthday, and it was a great day for the family, but they didn't realize I had been suppressing my feelings all day since I didn't want to ruin my mother's birthday. I had no idea when I awoke that morning. I felt heavy and my tears streamed down my face. I was feeling lonely. I feel like no one understands or appreciates me, and there seems to be something wrong with me, but I don't know what it is. I'm trying to figure out what it is, but there's really no answer. But I had to control myself and walk out of my room to help them prepare for me to relax and forget these emotions I was having. I had to be pleasant so they wouldn't think about me. I told myself that it would be gone by tomorrow and that everything would be okay.

March 14, 2020: When I got up to fix my things because I had my class and I didn’t want to be late, many questions ran through my head when I was doing it, and I burst into tears. I wanted to tell them what I was going through, but I was afraid that no one would believe me since they thought I was a cheerful person, so I concealed it once again, never telling, sharing, or even showing my family what I had been through. I couldn't stop myself from crying and I overthink things that I shouldn't need to think about. I feel like I'm in a place where no one knows or even cares about me. I choose to keep it to myself and hide it from my parents, regardless of how difficult it is, because I feel like I was a burden to them, and it is better to keep it hidden so I am not a problem to them.

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The Diary of Junella Iñego

(Excerpts from 11/2/2021 – 11/28/2021)

November 2, 2021: “It is currently 10 in the evening and I am just here laying on my queen-size comfortable bed with no lights because lights at night hurts my eyes but my door is semi open. I’ve been thinking what I just did today, I broke someone’s hearts unintentionally. Well, it is really hard to hide what we feel. There is a lot of feeling that I chose to hide. I really don’t know what to do next but to cry. When will this end. It hurts.”

November 28, 2021: “I thought everything will be fine after what I did but I am now again in my room and I just cried. It is 10PM and I haven’t eaten dinner yet because my eyes are swollen. I don’t want my family members to see me with these eyes. I'd rather hide here in my room than tell them what I felt and I know they will just say that I am overacting. I hate how pretentious I am, I act like I am okay that people are blaming me for abandoning a guy who is not healthy for my mental health. I show people how fine I am but in reality, I am just hiding how those blame affects me but I guess people will never understand whatever explanation I will say. I will just continue hiding this until everything will be okay.”

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The Diary of Criselle Cordova

(Excerpts from 01/03/2022- 02/01/2022)

January 3rd 2022: “I was scrolling through my phone for almost an hour. While watching random videos on Tiktok, something caught my attention. It's a video of a beautiful lady wearing a bright red-hued jacket paired with a fitted skirt, a cap that perfectly matched her outfit, and a scarf beautifully displayed around her neck. She has this sophisticated look but smiles so brightly while demonstrating emergency procedures, directing passengers, and performing safety checks. I stalked her account and I've watched all her videos. In the midst of my imagination, my cousin Angel suddenly popped out of nowhere. I instantly closed my laptop, but I knew that she had already seen it. She sighed and sat beside me. She advised me to pursue my dreams and urged me to tell my parents the truth. However, there are just some things that we choose to hide in order to not make things more complicated. Especially when you know that it will start a fight between you and your parents. Even so, I really like to tell them what I feel. Let's see if there is any progress.”

February 1st 2022: “My eyes are swollen. I've been locking myself up in my room, crying for almost three hours now after I told my parents the truth. My mind is clouded with so many thoughts that I can't say. I wish the pain in my heart would stop. I just wanted to be numb so that I could live my life the way they wanted. I somehow also blame myself for not having the courage to speak up. As I was about to get out of my room, the doorknob suddenly jolted. I stepped back and went to my bed again. It was my mother who entered the room. Her face was filled with worry and concern. "What’s wrong, Are you okay?" She asked me while holding my hands. That's just a simple question, yet I'm having a hard time answering it and I'm already on the verge of crying. I shifted my gaze and looked everywhere just to avoid eye contact with her. I composed myself before answering her, but I failed as my voice cracked while saying, "I'm okay mom, I just kind of felt sick." I lied, and she smiled at my response. Before she closed the door, she told me that she was sorry and that I should go for it. I know what she meant by that. My gloomy face suddenly changed and a small smile crept across my lips.”

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The Diary of Richelle Millora

(Excepts from 01/12/2022-03/20/2022)

January 11th, 2022: “It’s been almost two weeks since I began to experience these kinds of feelings. I’m still struggling to do my homework on time, which means I have to deal with all these things on my own. I have suffered a lot of breakdowns, especially since I overthink too much. Despite the fact that I am surrounded by my family, I felt really lonely. I’m longing for my junior high school friends. I miss the good times we used to have at school. I miss studying in my armchair, staring out the window, and hearing my teachers’ voices. I always catch myself crying in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. And I don’t know who I can talk to about it. I’ve had a lot of acne over the last three weeks, and as a result, I’ve started to lose confidence. My mother noticed it. She advised me to gain more self-love rather than keep my own confidence down. She also advised getting eight hours of sleep each night and washing my face twice a week.” Let’s see if it makes a difference.

March 21st 2022: “I decided to get myself busy so that it would also help my mental health. I met a number of nice people who were interested in hearing about my problems. Despite my efforts to keep myself busy to escape anxiety, I began to have difficulties sleeping at night and waking up feeling fatigued as a result of my lack of sleep. And I was really exhausted because of all the homework from this week, and I understand why our subject teachers keep pressuring us since, for a few more months now, we will be college students. But yet, because of the temptation of my cellphone, I still don’t have enough sleep. I have poor time management skills and frequently skip breakfast in the morning. I also learnt to love myself by taking good care of my skin and maintaining good hygiene, which helped me reduce my acne. Aside from doing homework, I found my way out whenever I felt trapped in a dark room, which was my thoughts. I feel relieved simply by writing down my thoughts and emotions on a piece of paper.” And because of these things, I felt a difference from where I had been in the past month.

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The Diary of Pearleen Liganad

(Excerpts from 09/30/21 - 10/06/21)

September 30, 2021: "I've been hiding from the reality that my thoughts have flooded me with misery and sorrow for almost four days. And the basic chores that I usually do felt like mountains on my shoulders after that incident. I thought I had it all figured out, but going out with friends, socializing, and tiring myself with my studies was just an excuse to take my mind off reality, and it offered me hope in some ways. Let's see whether it makes a difference. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to keep it together."

October 6, 2021: "My tiny ray of light shattered. There isn't a ray of hope in sight, and there isn't even a hint of change. I expected to feel contented, but I was unsatisfied. Is that all the suffering I've been attempting to conceal? Or my feelings and remorse for things I wish I'd done differently? I halted, faked a grin, and thanked my sister as she entered the room, handed me a present, and congratulated me on completing 18 years of life, After all, I didn't want her to know what I was hiding and feeling at the time."

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The Diary of Caitlin Ninian

(Exerpts from 4/10/2020 – 2/28/2022)

October 30, 2020: “Like any other day since the class started, the exhaustion inside me hinders me from being myself. I am now hiding behind the walls of our house as if I am a wanted criminal. I don’t even bother going out to see the dogs outside sometimes. Even doing nothing feels tiresome how much more engaging myself with the outside world again. I just wish for everything to stop until I regain strength. I feel so left out…

December 8, 2020: I was waiting for the news of my sister coming home but it didn’t arrive. I could only sigh in disappointment. Nothing much has changed aside from more compiled and unanswered school works because of my lack of self-motivation. I only rely on listening to music now. Sometimes I’d find myself trembling under the blankets as if scared but I don’t even know what I truly feel. One time my brother asked me. I just smiled faintly and said it’s because of a book I am reading. Gladly, he’s gullible enough and believed me. Then my cousins arrived and wanted to take me out. I felt my face run pale. They asked me what’s wrong and I just smiled in response and refused the offer. I’m still hiding from the world.

#Diary entries #conatus

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12conatusezine · 2 years

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Identity Papers

Precious Pearl Balena

Over the course of my life, I was in my middle childhood, most of my life revolved around playing and having fun. I did not have to put forth effort is hardly any area of my life or work hard in order to achieve specific goals. As time went on, however, my own life experiences began to have an effect on me, and shape the person I am today. My life started to change last year when I was around the age of eighteen years old. At this point in my life, I had to adjust to several big changes. We need to move house from General Santos City to Koronadal city for our own safety because at that time my dad received death related on his work as a body guard. Moving house is stressful and costly it also affected my academic performance from honor student to nothing. During that time I feel lost because I have no friends to interact and I want to give up.

My mom never stopped perusing her dreams. As an adult, I have realized that my mom has supported all of my dreams, and because of this, I get a sense of relief that my dreams and aspirations are important to her. She also told me that the most important part of our life is “our family” no matter how hard things get, family will always be there for me, and although, my mom is working abroad, my dad is always busy at work in General Santos City and my sister is in Japan living for good and I live in Koronadal, we are always there if one of us needs help. The biggest part is my personality, being loud and outgoing, has always been important to me. The reason being, it is how people view me. A lot of people know me as the loud person or the person who talks a lot. That is meaningful to me considering I like people to view me in a certain way. I realized that I have a few friends but they are true. It is nice to have people as a support system and to relate with. These qualities show that I value being loud and outgoing. It also says that I value my family and they are a big part of my life. I believe I am friendly when I first introduce myself, and I try to be myself and show my personality and who I am as a person, and they can judge me based on that. I might judge someone for their personality because I have such a big one, but also for the conversation we have together. One example is, I went to a camp over the summer and there was someone who didn’t seem very friendly and didn’t look the nicest, so I didn’t approach her. Later that day, I decided why not give her a chance because she seemed alone.

I am who I am partly because of my family, but mostly because of who I want myself to be. I will never be exactly what I want to be because of my family upbringing, but I can provide myself with opportunities to live a somewhat similar life. I would have loved to be brought up in a family that was into off-road racing, such as trucks, and snowmobiles. Education has had no real impact on the person that I am, but hopefully, by the time I finish college, it will.

I am very proud of the person that I have become I am an honor student and I have followed my own dreams, fantasies, friends, and idols to become the person that I am today. My family has influenced me as far as morals and values, my friends have influenced me in social activities, speech, and clothing, and my fantasies and idols have given me something to strive for in my life. Once a person takes the time to truly get to know me, they tend to see me as one of the greatest guys that they have ever met. I will continue to live my life for the individual that I am while taking into other people and not doing anything that may negatively affect another person’s life. I am currently very happy with the person that I am and will continue to keep myself happy until the day I die.

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Issiah Gorospe

When I was a child. I thought life is like the calmness of the waves and the fresh air in the mountain, but while growing up, life is a rocky road that no matter how hard it is, you need to move forward to step on the smooth and flat road.

A lot of things, realizations, and lessons that I’ve learned in life that mold me into how I am today. Indeed, it is true that life is a roller coaster ride, and sometimes it’s like a fairytale but that was the best feeling that I’ve experienced. Pains, rejection, doubts, fears, failure after those, you will realize life must go on. It’s not the end, it’s just the beginning. Slowly identifying my purpose in life and learning to accept criticism made me strong. the step-by-step process of discovering my inner self is fun. Discovering myself is the hardest part of my life. Building a wall for myself, limiting myself from anyone, and the fear that I have in socializing with other people. I always wish that I have the courage to socialize with other people, but I’m afraid that maybe they don’t want me.

I grew up in Koronadal City. A place that molds me and lets me experience different things in life, like playing outside with my childhood friends and having a deep connection with them. A connection that until now that we had. Growing up I always had a great relationship with my parents. the way they support me, buy me things that I need, and the unconditional love that they give for us, and I don’t need to ask for more. The lessons in life that they shared with us made a big impact on me while growing up. For my 18 years of existence my parents always taught us to respect and love one another, they told us that Sunday is God’s and Family Day so after church every Sunday we have bonding or eat outside. Even though my parents are strict I still thank them, because I know it’s for our own good and in that way, they show us how they love us.

As I saw my parents how they love each other, like how my Papa respected and love my Mama. I always wish to have someone in my life like my Papa, who’s willing to sacrifice everything for us, the countless love that he gave us, and the unstoppable support that he has shown us. As the eldest among four siblings. My parents always teach me to be kind and love them, the way my parents loved us. They told me that I should be a good example, not just to my sibling but also to the other people around me. The lessons in life that they teach me will be in my heart forever. the words of wisdom that they shared with me that I will apply in my daily life.

I have a lot of friends, but 3 years ago they betray me. I never thought that I’ll experience that thing with my friend. That time I set my boundaries with them and make my circle smaller. I chose my friend because I already had a trust issue. That hurts me a lot, I also ask myself, why? But as I move forward, I slowly understand it, and not I won’t deny the fact that I’m happy cutting connections with my old friends who betrayed me.

In a world full of mystery, unexpected things happen and we need to accept we lost friends while growing up, but the best part if it is that. I learn to stand on my own. There are times that we feel that the world is against us. We took the hard road. We feel that the world is so unfair. As I walk with self-discovery. Identifying my safe where I belong. There are times that I can’t understand what was the message of the universe to me, but one thing is that I’m sure of. That I should trust the process of God because I know that he had a purpose for everything that happens. Accepting circumstances in life and being grateful for everything that happened. Having peace of mind that will lead you for being happy in everything you do. As I witness the hardness of life, I will continue to discover the purpose of my life.

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John Kyper Po

What am I? What does it mean to be me? These questions surround me with uncertainty and doubt. Cogito Ergo Sum — I think, therefore I am. A famous saying from my favorite philosopher Rene Descartes reminds me of my existence; not just I exist but I exist as a thinking thing. Every thought in life proves that I exist and every experience tells me of how I molded myself through moxie. Life is like a whirlpool of indefiniteness, the only thing I'm certain of is that it has a beginning and an end. It's up to me how I seize and spend my entire life making experiences beyond my imagination. In this world of uncertainty and doubt, one thing is sure, I am who I am.

Throughout my entire existence, I'm glad and satisfied with being able to understand my situation the way I grew up realizing that there are people who guide me to the luminous light of hope. I'm thankful that I wasn't blinded to the realities in life which seems to me to be the reverse. I've got a clear path to pursuing my purposes in this universe since I have two parents who raised me to value things. A biological parents who are separated despite the cultural basis of Islam on which my father by blood possessed — Misyar is their form of marriage that unbinds them to live separately but come together for sexual relations. Of course, I was deprived of the fact that my mother was a spinster where she is desperate to have a man who is willing to care for and love her. I couldn't blame both of them for their decision for an adoption, since they ended their relationship and my mother had to raise my brothers and sisters when she was financially unstable at that time. Fortunately, there is a married couple who is willing to accept and raise me to become a person who can stand by my own feet, who can grasp firmly with the courage of giving back to them what they deserve back — "Utang na Loob." Currently, my non-biological parents are still supporting me towards reaching my goals and I'm very thankful for telling me the truth when I'm just a child that they adopted me and they're not my real mother and father. Our family doesn't have a stable place to live. I'm prone to family feuds where both of my parents' sides were obnoxious to both of them, since my mother doesn't have a job and my father was accustomed to alcoholics which he spent most of his money on alcoholic beverages. That's the reason why we constantly moved from one place to another on different family sides.

In my early schooling in a kindergarten, my mother strictly teaches me with some stuffs which I had a difficulty learning them, she has this method where if I get a mistake of not reading it well or I incorrectly give her answers to some questions she would smack me with a hanger in the palm of my hands. In that way, I learned that to avoid punishment I really need to study harder. Those things earned me not just a medal in school but an award in my parents' hearts, I filled their faces with happiness. Where every time I have an achievement; they will treat me with my favorite Jollibee chicken joy. As a kid, it'll always be a pleasure to go to Jollibee with my family, even though we have a rough time earning some money. Jollibee is part of my childhood days, it always reminds me of how lucky I am to be loved by my adoptive parents. Jollibee is not a place, but rather a jar of memories where we treasure them as a family.

Quack doctors influence my family in terms of medical tradition, we continuously follow a belief when we have ailments we directly go to them as we coined them as "Manog luy-a", "Manog hilot", "Manog tayhop" etc. Every time we have soreness we go to them, every time we encounter supernatural events we go to them and every time someone is suffering from something we practice — "Tuob." It's a smoky method of lighting up an extraordinary stone, where we believe that evil spirits will not come near to us and everyone who can feel the smoke will be healed conditionally. In our house, we have lukay (dried palm leaves) in front of our door, in our windows, and even in our altars which commemorates our beliefs as a Christians to Palm Sundays which marks the beginning of Holy Week, it particularly symbolizes the entrance of Jesus to Jerusalem as they greeted him by waving palm branches. Another religious belief worth noting was in May. As a kid, it was an amazing experience to join Flores De Mayo; the excitement to play with different kids after the holy mass was a vivacious feeling. Even though the mass wasn't finished yet, some of us went outside and played while we could hear some dulcet songs from the choir. The most exciting part after the holy mass was the merienda's alongside orange juices and an egg sandwich, they were incredible enough to fill my tummy. Thus, in my mind, it will always be playtime in which my mother would bring some extra shirts and face towels due to vigorous playing and sweating. As a kid who enjoys the late 2000's dream— Flores De Mayo is one of the events where a kid like me connects a relationship with God while at the same time building camaraderie with other children.

My experiences have shaped me towards my metanoia. I've learned a valuable lesson about life itself — no matter how unreliable the experiences, every moment proves my existence of being who I am.

Everyone has their own identity. Our uniqueness depends on how we write or rewrite our own stories. It may be difficult for us to turn the page when we know that someone won't be in the next chapter, but our story must go on.

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Rhealyn Legal

I once thought to myself the words “who am I for real?” with the lingering questions about my whole identity. Who is this girl wandering endlessly for the last eighteen years in the depths of doubts, confusion, and uncertainty about once true self? I can’t feel my mind at ease with the thousands of quandaries about my life, about who am I as a person. Is it because of them that I am like this? Is it because of the influence they’ve inflicted into my life, that I am this whole being of experience, emotions, and feelings? I am really not quite sure with the questions I have in the back of my head, I am just certain for one thing, and that is “I am me when I am alone with myself”.

On the 279th day in the year 2003 of the Gregorian calendar, exactly 86 days before the year ends, just a few hours after the sun excused itself behind the horizon, a healthy baby me was born and brought to this very planet. I was a Manila girl for quite some time, born and raised for a couple of years in the loud and noisy city before migrating back to where my mother was raised and born as a child, South Cotabato, the land of our proud dream weavers. My mother’s side are from a catholic religion so as to my father’s side, grandmothers are both devoted to the church in their younger years and met my grandfathers, and as obvious as a worm crawling on the ground, the conclusion is that they married the guys they’ve met.

My lola in my mother’s is the one I am truly closed with, grew up with her silly scary stories during the brownouts, and definitely been there when she was bedridden, I truly admire her intelligence and elegance. She is a great example to all of her grandkids. Some may say I have gotten some of here habits, crumpling a handkerchief before going out, always… I mean they said they’ve never saw me without my crazy hanky, maybe it’s true. I always say that when I grow old, I wanted to be alone, I don’t want to be married to anyone but I want to adopt a child, I don’t quite like the thought of marriage and thinking of involving myself into one, it bring shudders down to my spine.

My parents are alright, they have a great relationship and their compatibility is out of the world, they understand each other, tells what should be and should not, they’re close to perfect but of course that’s not very ideal. My father is not always home, he’s a soldier, a man that besides being a father to his children, he is also one of those who protects this country, my mother, she’s a plain housewife with a sari-sari store in front of our house, she’s quite a nagger when I was in elementary but that quite down as we entered high school.

They are great example of what you can imagine in a marriage would be but I don’t see myself walking down the aisle, crying myself out of excitement and nervousness with the thought of finally marrying the man I love, marriage is just not for all. I don’t like that, I prefer to be on my own, I want to be my own without sharing a lifetime with somebody else, you can say I am afraid of love, but it is, I don’t find love exactly as it is, it’s scary and I am afraid to hurt myself in the process, I am afraid but I know I will face it someday with my own strengths.

I’ll just adopt some kid, not related to anyone I know and spoil them with everything I had never experience when I was a kid. I want to be the person they can look upon and be the person they can always talk to, something I have never had. Being the eldest, I am quite deprived of the privilege to speak my mind and just keep everything to myself, even to my friends, they say I don’t talk too much about the things I am holding to myself. I was always not the talker in our group, I prefer to listen as they talk, same thing I do in our house.

I keep all to myself without the thoughts it’ll only hurt me just like a car, crushed into a big box of junk, I pile it up and when some days come it hurts like hell. I don’t like the feeling of opening up to someone, I always feel that they will only make way to share their own and end up being the one being consoled. I once did open up to someone, it was great, but not what I expected it to be. They listened but it’s like they did not care enough, they just opened their ears, nothing more. I am incoming college this year, I cannot quite grasp the idea that I will soon be out of our house to live in another house far away from where I lived and began. I like the idea of being far from home, I like being away from the people that quite fuelled my fire and brought scars on my mind and body, I like to an independent daughter, I like the sound of having an allowance, and money seems the best of all the reasons I want to be away from Koronadal.

Our family is meticulous about managing and spending our money, they never give when it’s not needed, maybe that is the reason I like money today. I want to have some money to buy myself things they once promised to buy but ended up saying, “we don’t have money right now, maybe next time”, I truly understand that, I understand our situation is not that quite associated with a lot of money but there’s this small hope in my mind in those times that we have cash and buy the things I liked, my brother liked. Unfortunately, we’re quite broke. Sad reality but that motivates me more to finish a degree that offers a lot of money. I will spoil myself with money, I will spoil my parents on vacations, and help my brother with whatever he wants.

I am not sure I can achieve that but I will definitely try my best. As money is the best, I’ll do everything and the rest. The influence of the people shaped me into something, secretive, full of fears but seemingly strong amidst the challenges that swayed onto my face along my journey. I am not a complete person, I still have a lot to learn, to experience in this world, I am still a wandering soul waiting for salvation and awakening to the real world of adulthood. It scares me, both the idea of leaving the teenage life I barely enjoyed and entering the scary world of work and adulthood. I will try my best, my best if I can, and I will definitely bring joy to the last years of my teenage life.

I am a flower of different kinds, and different meanings, but will bring sets of emotions to anyone that will receive them. I am a lost soul, I am still in the process of finding my true self. I am me but with a big question mark about everything.

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Kenneth Jay F. Sanchez

God gives us life so that we must love one another, have a good family, and help people in need. However, this is the opposite of what everyone believes. My life is a whirlwind of events. I'm still in a place where I don't know who I am or who I want to be. I spent all my time trying to figure out who I was. How my family and world will shape me. During those times, I did not know myself or what my purpose was in this world. A slew of questions arose as I grew older. I had a lot of questions but didn't know how to answer them. I felt as if I was alone in a strange world, and all I wanted to do was find a way to identify myself. I get increasingly curious about myself as if the puzzle that would form my personality is missing and I must discover and assemble it in order to better understand myself.

I have learned a lot in my 17 years of living in this world. I have gone through many trials, and I have become resilient and strong to overcome them. You know, I realize that all of this is a test I must pass. On April 30, 2004, my roller-coaster life started. It was midnight when quiet and the noise of chickens and the barking of dogs were the only sounds you could hear in the province, a chilly breeze that embraced you firmly. A province where people are helpful, respectful, loved, and faithful. A baby named Kenneth was born at 4 a.m., named after a basketball player that my mother watched on television. This is a child who will experience hardship and how challenging and harsh the world is. A boy that will experience judgment and comparison. A boy who will be raised through his parents' tears and sweat. Would you have thought that was all he would experience? It was even worse than that. As I grew older and saw the bigger view of the environment that surrounds me, I experience not eating three times a day or even drinking milk. At a young age, I’ve become aware of the fact that not everything I want can be given to me and I must work hard to achieve or get it. That has been my mindset in life because that is what I have seen and experienced in my family and in the place where I live. I saw how my parents especially my mom cried, and it shattered my heart into pieces, I saw how she do everything just to give us a better life and that is one reason why I should do good in school and receive a high grade.

My culture makes me understand many things, my culture influences how I live harmoniously, as well as how I see myself and others. Culture helps me to know what is good and wrong and helped me to make better decisions in life. I'm just a young boy who has a wide dream. The culture I came from shaped how I interacted with the people I talked to. My outlook on life became clearer. From childhood, I was really active in everything and engaged in all activities to further shape myself. I just learned to dance in elementary school, and it became my passion until now. I was also a volleyball player back then. I didn't care how people judged me, but I treated all of that as an inspiration, and I don't take all the judgments that are meant to ruin my life, but instead, I take them as an inspiration to be a better version of myself. Therefore, there is a Kenneth who keeps fighting in life. A Kenneth was born who should not be defeated, a Kenneth who is as solid as a rock and cannot be shaken by trials. I used all of this and became a weapon to defeat the trials that were forcibly destroying me.

Love can be found anywhere, and I saw that to my parents that no matter how far away their place is, they are really destined for each other. My mother is an Ilongga who came from a province whose main livelihood is farming. This is Panay Sto. Niño, where life is normal, quiet, and her parents are religious. My mother graduated from college, but her life was very difficult, so she did not work and chose to go to the rice fields to help her parents. She eventually left their place and went to Cebu to be a maid, and there he met my father. My mother is a simple person who is contented with whatever she has in her life. Even if it's hard, she doesn't give up and still resists. My father came from a place called the "Queen City of the South" and the main center of Christianity in the Philippines, which is Cebu City. My father just finished elementary school, but this did not stop him. He is a hard-working person. Even though he always drank alcohol, he did not fail his duty as a father to us. Even though their family is chaotic, his father and mother are separated, but we know that he is not like them. In all honesty, I haven't had the opportunity to meet my grandma and grandpa on the father's side or my cousins, but for now, I am contented with the love that mama's parents give me, and if I am also given the opportunity to see and talk to papa's loved ones, it will be a big help for me to get to know who I really am, and it can also give me answers to the questions that are bothering my mind.

My parents got married, and they chose to live in my mother's place, and that's where their married life began. My older brother was born, and my sister followed, but unfortunately, she died. My parents were very sad, but they had to move on and fight again in life. Another blessing comes into our lives as my younger brother comes. He has Down syndrome, but he becomes our blessing and helps us bind together as one family. We use Hiligaynon as our language all the time when they communicate with us and to the people they talk to, and that’s what we siblings adopt, resulting in us to not really speak fluently in Cebuano, I adopt the culture of the place where we live. In terms of beliefs, I learned some things, like don’t go straight home after attending a wake. I have experienced different customs in our province. These are eating with hands and placing the back of an elderly person’s hand on your forehead as a sign of respect.

In all that I've been through in life, in the needle holes that I've walked through, in every stumble that I've had, I've gotten to know myself, and it’s been a means for me to get to know myself better. All the criticism I've encountered has helped shape who I am and how I live my life. I've grown to understand myself over the years, and I've become more focused on my core values because for me believing in oneself makes life more meaningful. My mother is a religious person and that’s also the one who helps me to know myself and my purpose. Our religion helps me to understand life, the people around me, and why we are experiencing many trials in life. There are many things that helped me to mold myself and help me to open my eyes to see the possibilities that will happen to me. This thought me to show kindness and respect by saying “Po” and Opo” to the elders that I met. Everything that I’ve been through in my life I take that as my lessons. From the place where I live, from the people that I met, from our religion, and from my parents all of that have greatly contributed to molding me. God truly help me in my life, and he became one of my sources of strength when I feel tired and down and whatever the things that I will face he is the one that I can run, I can talk to, and I feel his presence, guidance, and love for me.

I became aware of the truth, and I knew what I should and should not do. I know where I came from, and I know how to go back to where I came from. I didn't want to be arrogant and pull people down. I learned that there should be nothing left, and we would all rise in life. All of my parents' lessons and teachings, as well as the Lord's guidance, greatly assisted in my ability to change and shape myself, as well as provide me with knowledge. At a young age, I probably have other things I haven't understood, but I know that at the right time I can understand them as well. The Lord has given me the blessing of having people around me who will support and guide me so that I can better discover myself and know my identity as a person. In all that I have gone through to discover and know myself, I know that there is a reason why everything happened. Now that I’m turning 18 and I’m at the right age, there are many things I have discovered about myself that I never thought I could do. I am a young man who is happy and positive in life, but the people around me are unaware that I also have different problems in life, and I choose to be happy and act naturally in front of them. As I turn 18 in this month of April, I’m ready to discover more about myself to fully mold me as a better person. I will be open to the next chapter of my life's discovery. I know there are a lot of challenges ahead, but I have come a long way and I have no reason to give up. I know I am filled with love, not only by my parents but by others too.

As time passes, I will learn more, and I am willing to learn because I know it will be good for me. My self-discovery is not yet over. As I get older, I will either learn more or get to know myself more thoroughly. In this time where a pandemic is still happening and an election is about to come, people are no longer the same as before, who were respectful. Politics has changed us, but from my point of view, I know who deserves to win and lead our country for the good of us all. No matter how difficult it is for us today, even though there is a crisis and political conflict, this is not the reason for us to know ourselves. However, I am thankful that my life is a whirlwind of events because my experiences become my way of growing to be better and understand many things from different angles to see the big picture of my life and fully grasp myself. I will not give up just because of something, but I will use that thing as an inspiration in life to go on and fight. My journey to knowing myself is not over, but it is just beginning, and I need to prepare myself to be strong like a lion to face the trials to come. With the help of our customs, traditions, mores, values, and worldview, I now understand the things I did not understand before because they helped to shape my personality to become a good person.

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Summer Jane A. Inso

Embracing my story and loving myself through the process is the bravest thing I'll ever do. Creating your own path is an extreme discovery. As a young woman, dreaming of success is a very goal. Growing up means more obstacles to face, being able to see and try to understand things through multiple perspectives, and never refusing to learn, were such powerful tool while surviving in this world. In that long case, I discovered the genuine meaning of life. By this age, I had experienced a different aura of life. It brings me to stock in hell, yes in hell. When I was a child I really admire those who have a good personality and also admirable love life. In my way I chose it, by following and admiring, in that thought I was wrong, it was one of the biggest mistakes I did. I lost myself to point that I always being confused and conscious of everything that I do.

In gracious years, I tap and step up on my 19 years of being here on earth, it started in 2003 on March 4. It all began when Aleosan, North Cotabato tries to bite and fight NPAs; it has a war between men in uniform and NPAs that time my mother was supposed to deliberate me in the room but before the doctor came. I was pushed by my mom's hardship, heavy and firm womb. Since my parents is a fanatics of movies, they named me "Summer" this was one of the best characters in the movie that they watched. "Jane" also because it comes from my mother's name "Jeanilyn" she always called "Jean" so it applied to my name in diverse spelling. My family and relatives have been devout followers of the Almighty God from the beginning of time. Maybe it's because our ancestors brought Christianity into the family, or maybe it's because of all the trials, problems, and disasters my family had back then that brought them closer to God than they'd ever been. So, In that case, I am the fruit of love from different parties.

My father was 4 years ahead of my mother, He was born in the center for commerce, trade, and industry; Midsayap, North Cotabato. Where it can see the highest peak in the country. My mother was raised and born genuinely in the Corn Capital of the Philippines, Municipality of Banga, where hard wokers find refuge in the farming, fruitful and good harvest. Despite the lack of financial support, she raised from the hardwork of my grandparents hand. I truly never know what the words "I miss you" were until I reached for my mom's hand and I wasn't there. The legacy of her goodness, love and care is always, and will always in my heart. The world changes year by year, my life day by day, but the heavy part is that the memories was there but the person passed away. I know moved on from the pain, but I always know that I'll never get hug her again.

My family's influence guidance throughout my path with God as my sole compass. They made a difference and affected my life in ways I could never have imagined, even if I didn't recognize it at the time. To think that they will have such a lasting impact on my life is certainly a blessing. It's because I've learned some of life's most valuable lessons and, on sometimes, a little about myself. Culture is similar to an onion in that it has many layers, each derived from distinct sources, yet it adds spice to our lives. Growing up in this country, I learnt to be robust, flexible, and adaptable, and to prioritize my family. By the guidance of my family elders usually say “Bless you” or “God Bless You.” Aside from this, they teach me saying “po” and “opo.” These are the words that we are using to show them respect when talking or to someone that they respect.

I've been a lot better and bitter, but I always thought to myself to never be confused and conscious to other things and people. I have to accept who you really me every day. Now that I have decided who I am, simply make the decision that I will strive to be that person every day. The best of that person I can be. Understand that there are times that I fall short of the ideals but a better to the positive way to succeed. If I fall again, then I understand that this is an area where more learning has to take place. Maybe one day I'll have a complete understanding of who I am and what I want to do with my life. I wanted to carve out a place for myself and lay a foundation on which to build my self-identity. Until that day comes, I'll continue my journey and I will not give up hope on that.

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James Rizala

No matter what I lack, I always endeavor in surpassing any problems I encounter in my life. I do believe in the saying “fake it till you make it” because, as I fake it, I try and try until I achieve something I desired. Growing up in the hustle and bustle of the city is not that easy. People living there are competitive in terms of, education, business, and social status. This drives me to be competitive as well in many things such as in my education wherein I always try to be at the top, and in my dance career where I always do things finesse just to be recognized. That is why I always try to be competitive because, in my mindset, I won’t be able to accomplish anything if am not.

On the pleasant afternoon of summertime on the 15th of August year 2003, I was first introduced to the world. I was born in the crown city of the south, Koronadal City, my hometown. In the year 2008, we transfer from Koronadal to Banga South Cotabato, in there, I experienced the fresh and quiet ambiance of the farmlands. People there sleep early wherein 8 in the evening, all lights are already out and you can't see anybody staying outside. We also woke up early in the morning and after we woke up, we quickly go outside then pick up the broomstick to clean the backyard. In there I learn to be punctual, I always come on time, and in there, I first made friends with other kids.

When I was young, boredom is nothing to me because there are lots of things I can do to be entertained. We often do “luto luto” with my friends and cousins where we cook leaves and other vegetables in a tin can and pretend to eat them afterward. We also play games such as “patentero, tumbang lata, and luksong tinik”, we play the whole afternoon until our mothers start to call our names yelling for us to go home already. My childhood is amazing because I never limit myself, I never stay all day in our house, and I always want to interact outside. I think that is the reason why I am so friendly and an extrovert individual.

I have always loved going to church with my family since I was a kid. I treasure the time I spent with them every Sunday. We wake up early to take a bath and prepare ourselves for church. The bliss I had while singing worship songs, I always adore how our church was so lively and joyous. It is my grandfather who influenced us to go to church every Sunday. After the mass we often wander around the park with my cousins, we do slides, swings, and seesaw. The thing we loved to ride the most, is where we often make someone be stuck while he/she is at the top. I think the time I spent with my cousins when we are young is the reason why we have a strong bond until now. And the reason why I have a strong faith in God Almighty is that my grandfather influenced me to go to church every Sunday.

Growing up, I have experienced many things that hone me as a person. Things that are never been so easy, things that challenge me to my fullest, things that will always stay on my mind rent-free. I become an independent individual wherein at a young age I learn to provide for myself. I learn to socialize, which I think is the essential thing I must learn as I cross the thorny road of the world. I do believe in happy endings like those in the movies we see in the cinema and on the television because I believe that the sun will always rise after a dark night. This belief of mine is very evident to me because I never surrender even though things get hard, even though people think there is no hope left for me, for I know that there will always be a light in our darkest moments.

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Our life is the most valuable gift that our almighty God has bestowed upon us, thus we must treasure it and never abandon it. We may face many challenges in life, and we may consider surrendering, but keep in mind that God is with us, and he will never put us through hardships that we cannot overcome. My life has been like a rollercoaster, full of ups and downs, and I almost gave up, but I'm glad I didn't. Years of living in this harsh and tough environment have taught me a lot about myself, but I'm still trying to figure out what my true mission in life is.

I've been alive for 17 years, and I'm almost 18 because I didn't continue what I was planned before. My journey began on a foggy morning on June 3, 2004, at my father's parents' household, where everyone was both worried and thrilled. My mother laid in bed, in excruciating pain, sobbing uncontrollably, yet it was all worth it. My parents were overjoyed for the second time that their second-born daughter could finally see the world at exactly 6:30 a.m. My parents wanted me to be named "Janella," but due to a mix-up, I was given the name "Junella." My parents were fine with it because the "June" in my name refers to the month in which I was born. As a child, I was subjected to criticism and comparison. Because I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I experienced nothing on the table and my parents budgeting every penny we had. I didn't have all I wanted as a child, but my parents do their best to meet our necessities. Seeing my parents' faces as they worried about what to eat the next day or where to find money for our needs motivated me to achieve great grades so that I could make them proud and show them that their efforts for us were not in vain. I can constantly see their smiles when I get good grades in school, which makes me pleased, but they have no idea that I was under a lot of strain and worried about how to keep it up. It was not easy to succeed in school, and I didn't want to disappoint them, which is why I sometimes wish I hadn't pushed so hard in the past.

Distance doesn't matter if two hearts are loyal to each other. That's the sentence I got from my sister, and it made me think about how it relates to my parents. My mother is a Cebuana who was born and raised in General Santos City, also known as the "Tuna Capital of the Philippines," where she was cherished and supported by my great-grandmother, who is still living. Her father died when she was months old, and her mother, my grandma, remarried and relocated to Koronadal City, the Crown City of the South. My mother attended college but did not complete her studies due to financial constraints. My father, on the other hand, is a Cebuano who was born and raised in Alabel, Sarangani Province, where I was born. He did not finish high school due to financial difficulties and decided to join his pals in Koronadal City to work as a laborer. You might be wondering how my parents met because they live in different places. My grandma on my mother's side lives in Koronadal, therefore my mother spends her vacations here. When my mother met my father, who was 22 at the time, she was only 18 years old. They met because they were friends with the same people. What surprised me the most was that when my parents became official, my mother returned to Gensan for her studies the next day, and they finally met after 8 months with no communication. After an 8-month hiatus, my mother returned to Koronadal for a holiday, where they reconnected, discussed their relationship, and agreed to keep it going because they still love one other. My parents' love story is my ideal love story since they grew from friends to lovers and are each other's first love, demonstrating that “Love can wait” and "True Love Never Dies."

When my parents found out that my mother was pregnant after four months of dating, they got married. They chose to live with my grandma here in Koronadal City, although not under the same roof. I only have one sibling, my older sister, who was born four years after I was. It's not easy being the youngest in the family; I've been compared to my sister a million times. I can't dispute that she is smarter and more well-versed than me, which makes me feel insecure. I was always told that I should be like her, which upset me because it made me feel like I couldn't stand on my own. Despite the fact that I thought I had no right to explore since I had to follow in her footsteps, I never resented my sister. I am very grateful to have her because I don't know if I would have survived any of the challenges, I've had in my life without her. She was a great assistance to me, and she was the one person I could confide in about things I didn't want my parents to know about.

A perfect family or a perfect lifestyle will never exist. Even though I have a whole family, I still feel unfulfilled. Maybe it's because my mother doesn't live with us. Due to poverty, my mother went to work as a domestic helper in another country when I was three years old in order to earn more money and care for our needs, as my father's pay was insufficient to support us. Living without my mother is difficult, and I constantly admire those who were able to grow up with their mother. But I keep telling myself that I should be grateful that I still have my mother and that I will always be able to see her, even if it is just once every two years. Despite the fact that my mother works miles away from us, she never failed to instill decent manners in us. My parents instilled in us the importance of constantly showing respect to others, such as laying an elder's back of their palm on our forehead, or what we termed "pagmamano," using "Po" and "Opo" even though we don't use them at home since we speak Bisaya and "Po" and "Opo" don't fit. I'm still fortunate in that I was able to bond with my entire family whenever my mother returned to the Philippines.

I learned about myself over the years and continued to learn what I needed to know about myself. I found my flaw and turned it into a strength. All of the experiences I've had over the years have shaped who I am today. Over the course of the year, I grew stronger and realized how important my life is. I concentrated on what would benefit me and ignored any criticism that could jeopardize my success. My family isn't particularly religious; we don't regularly attend church, but that doesn't mean we don't value our faith. Despite the fact that I can't recall the last time I went to church with my entire family, and despite the fact that my sister and I frequently attend church, we only attend during "Simbang Gabi" or anytime a priest is present, my trust in God has never wavered. I still have faith in him and believe that nothing is truly impossible. I feel that faith is not solely determined by how frequently one attends church. However, I continue to participate in some church events, which helps me to form myself. I met folks who I feel were sent by God. I know that with his heavenly direction and love, he will continue to assist me on my journey.

People benefit from culture because it teaches them about the positive and negative aspects of life. As I grew older, my culture had an impact on me. You will be shaped by the way you speak and connect with others. I attempted almost that suddenly shaped me when I was a child. In primary school, I discovered that I had tried to find my talent. I tried dancing but it wasn't for me, I can't play basketball or volleyball, and I don't have any artistic ability. I also attempted to persuade myself that I might be able to sing, but singing is not for me, but then I was chosen in 1st grade and taught in broadcasting; I had previously done broadcasting and was one of our school's representatives. It became become a passion for me. Even if my voice is not suitable for singing, it is suitable for broadcasting. However, while I was in high school, I lacked the guts to pursue it because I was frightened of failing, and I couldn't tell my family about it. I chose to concentrate on my studies and have been fortunate in maintaining a high grade, but there are times when I wonder what would happen if I pursued my passion for broadcasting.

We all know that an election is coming up this year in the midst of a pandemic. Because of differing political viewpoints, the majority of friendships and relationships have ended. Some people have lost their regard for others and have turned to violence towards them. However, I do not believe that losing relationships, offending others, and bringing anyone down because of politics is acceptable. I suppose we all have varied opinions on who is the most deserving candidate for the political position. I have not yet registered to vote but I believe that my future is essential, and that citizens should vote for the candidate they believe is the most deserving.

My journey has only just begun, and I haven't yet reached the halfway point. I'm still learning and will continue to learn. I'm aware that there are many things to learn about myself, as well as my surroundings and the people I interact with. I know it was difficult to face all of my past trials while also knowing that there would be more to come, and I came close to committing suicide, but I think it was not my time. I'm still alive right now. But I was grateful for those problems because they gave me the opportunity to prove to myself that no matter what challenges came my way, I will overcome them with the help of my loving and supportive family and the almighty God. All I have to do now is trust in myself and keep fighting for my life. No one, in my opinion, can ruin you unless you let them.

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Kathleen Joy Somogod

I often ponder how I came to be the person I am now. I'm looking at life as a quest to find who I really am. What would I be if I wasn't the person I am now? My life experiences will aid me in discovering my own self and determining what my own purpose in life is. There have been various events in my life that have shaped who I am now. Existing for about a decade and eight has not been easy for me; I've been through a lot, and challenges have really put me to the test, not only for myself but also for my family. I would take the events that had occurred to me as a lesson that is needed to be learned and realization of the importance of such things in life.

On a chilly morning in February of 2004, in the provincial hospital of South Cotabato, my life journey has begun. By that time, behind the cold air that was touching everyone's bare skin, the nutty aroma of coffee that lingered in the city air, and the cock-a-doodle-doo of the roosters that could be heard all over the place, there was a woman who was having a hard time, having a river flowing tears, and was in excruciating pain as if she had a broken bone. It was the day her firstborn was evicted outside of her womb. When she was still in labor, she believed the world was cruel to her for inflicting so much suffering on her. She was on the verge of giving up unless I was totally pushed out of her womb. Silence filled the room, no one dared to speak, not even my father, who has been by my mother's side since she was in labor. My father was zoning out when he saw me fully pushed out of my mother's womb, not crying or making any noises at all; he assumed that all infants would cry if they were born, but it wasn't until he realized what was going on that he started to panic. Out of panic, he started asking tons of questions to the nurses about why was the baby not crying at all. It was until one of the nurses started spanking the baby all so softly that I squirmed and started crying like there is no tomorrow. My father felt as though a thorn had been taken from his body. When my father held me, still full of blood, and said a massive thanks to the God above, he wept some tears. When my mother awoke from her nap after witnessing the world's cruelty, she immediately began looking for her baby. My father had heard my mother from the outside and had taken me to her, and a stream of tears started flowing down from their eyes. They named me Kathleen Joy because the 'Kath' was derived from my mother's name, Katherine, and the 'Joy' was suggested by my father since he expressed joy when he first saw me.

I am the result of two people's love, each of whom has a life that is distinct from the other. My mother was born and raised in Norala, a landlocked municipality in South Cotabato's coastal region. They have their own farmyard and a variety of farm animals that they utilize for food, and everything they plant on their farm is also a source of income for them. Despite the lack of financial support, she manages to attend school, and, at such a young age, she attempts a variety of work in order to make ends meet on a daily basis. She put forth a lot of effort and was able to complete her degree with flying colors. My father, on the other hand, was born and reared in the city of Koronadal where anything could happen, and where, as others have said, life is better than in the province. Even though my father grew up in the city, this does not imply that they have money and stuff. My father, like my mother, was financially unstable because my grandfather works as a tricycle driver and my grandma is a housewife whose sole responsibility is to look after my father and his three other siblings. What differs from them is that my father did not complete his studies because he wants his older brother to complete his studies first because my grandparents cannot finance two college students at the same time. My uncle did not pursue his education in the manner that it should have been pursued, and as a result, it was a waste of time. My father gave up his studies to help him. He hoped my uncle would do better, but he was mistaken; his sacrifice and efforts resulted in his older brother's disappointment. He was on the verge of exploding with rage at that point. He told himself a thousand times that he was his older brother and that he needed to figure out what his life plan was.

Heartwarming affection was lavished on me when I was still the only kid of the two lovers, and because of this love, they always go out of their way to keep me safe. But, isn't it true that too much of anything is bad? They wanted me to stay in the house for days, not allowing me to see the beauty of nature such as the smiling sun and the dancing flowers around me because they were doing everything they could to avoid anything that could harm me. I asked them countless times if I could go outside and meet up with some pals, but they refused. My mother used to live in the province, so she's used to going out without anyone who may hurt her; perhaps that's why she won't let me out, but we're only in the city, so what's the difference? They kept telling me that the kids outside were bad for me and that I shouldn't hang around with them. Were they trying to brainwash me? To be honest, the affection they showered on me made me feel suffocated and overwhelmed. I was desperate to go out at that point and want to complain about how suffocating it was already, but I reminded myself, who am I to complain? I am only their child, and I have no legal standing to protest. But I know it wasn't the best decision. As a result, at a very young age, I learned how to break out of a room as if I were a prisoner. But my plan didn't go well since I didn't know how to interact with new individuals. My hands were trembling and sweating like a waterfall because of so nervous. I began speaking with the children outdoors, and since then, I have continued to do so till I have grown up. I continued to flee without being apprehended. It was all fun and games until one of our neighbors informed my mother that she had spotted me outdoors playing with other neighborhood kids. When my mother found it out, she became enraged because I had disobeyed her, so I have kept in the house again, not letting myself out until I was sent to school, and I began to develop social anxiety, where I became anxious around strangers and felt undesired whenever I spoke with others.

Perhaps I got social anxiety as a result of my mother and father's unconditional love for me, to the point that they would not even let me go out and socialize with others. My parents' grasp on me lessened when my younger sibling was ushered into this world, and that was the only time I felt so happy in my entire existence. I have a tendency to form bonds with others and make myself at ease, yet the thought of being so naive with people still haunts me. Children my age at the time mistakenly believed I was mature, but I was not. I was only used to conversing with my parents, and they always spoke in a serious tone, which I may have picked up on.

I've gone through and developed things that I wish I'd never gone through. Those events, however, will serve as a lesson and help me comprehend who I am now. I'm glad I didn't spend as much time learning how to mingle so I wouldn't feel forced by my friends. Yes, I'm overflowing with love, but haven't they always said that too much love will kill you? My life experiences shaped who I am now. My setbacks will be viewed as life lessons. My experiences, the process of growing up, and my journey in life were truly fantastic things to have while existing in this world—where I discovered the genuine purpose of living.

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Pearleen Mae C. Liganad

Life is merely a word, but it is teeming with narratives and interpretations, especially to me- a girl who started her journey of self-discovery and consideration. It is an expedition for me to determine myself and my purpose. And this includes the things that shape my personality and the cultures I grew up in. And in this sphere of uncertainty and success, I'm a warrior who fights in an endless unfathomable baffling zone of struggles. A warrior who may lose track and experience suffering and pleasure, but what keeps me going is my drive and fortitude to turn things around and find myself—my ultimate goal in life.

On the nightfall of October 6 in the year 2003, in our small hut in the southern portion of Mindanao, it rained heavily, and the candles flickered from the pillar to the post, in time with the whimper of my mother giving life as the wind approached our tiny hunt. I felt overwhelmed as I envisioned my mother gently cradling me in her arms, providing warmth and comfort to my weak and sensitive heart. And to be honest, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life when I was younger. Maybe it was because I didn't have many friends that I couldn't fully comprehend myself and the world around me? I want to speak with people but can't say the term, and I often stumble when I try to express my thoughts and opinions, isolating me from the rest of the group. But, despite my social awkwardness, I established friends who have remained with me to this day, and I am forever grateful for them. Back then, my primary sources of entertainment were children's games and stories, especially during the long, continuous days and weeks of youth. As a result, my mother came to tell me about her life and how she met her husband and started a history.

It was the Mid-90 when both of my parents decided to leave home and live independently in Pasig City to meet their own goals and to support them financially. And after living there separately for weeks in their one-story lodging house, they grew interested in each other. Right there and then, they already knew that it was the perfect time to risk their hearts for love. My mother began working as a saleswoman at a convenience shop after working as an OFW in Malaysia since her mother couldn't longer support her finances. Looking back, I was amazed at her courage to work in a big city to earn and finance herself and her family, and just like her, my father also did the same. My father started working as a security guard in a shop near his place. Like my mom, his mother couldn't sustain his finances and decided to become a working student until he started his voyage as a marine engineer. After months and years of dating, they decided to settle down and start their journey as newlyweds.

Despite their cultural differences, they found comfort and love in one another and raised two daughters and a son. Their diverse cultures influenced my attitude and outlook on life. In my 18 years of being nascent, I have gone through many trials and hardships, but I've learned to endure the pressure and enjoy the low tides of my life. The family I was born with has a fish stand business, and eventually, I learned how to handle business finance and different ways to accommodate customers. I could even recall our Sunday ritual of purchasing flowers and "bibingka" for the altar at home after church. My family is known for their inventiveness, and I've always seen the world as a platform for change. There was even a period when Mom earned a business producing fruits we couldn't sell, and she termed it "Mango De-Ice," and every time she questioned who ate her ice candies' I would often plead guilty.

My parents place a high value on education, and they have always aspired and wished for their children to achieve what they could not. I couldn't reject it since I believe that education is a crucial component of moderation. When speaking with the elderly, I've was edified and raised to address them with "PO" and "OPO." And make a "MANO PO" gesture when greeting our forefathers and elders, and give warm hugs to our younger relatives. Apart from that, my family would do a modest get-together with relatives and family once or twice a month and we've always made it a routine to snap a group photo at every family gathering.

My family has several traditions, one of which is lighting a candle on November 1st to honor our departed loved ones, a practice known as All Saints' Day. Furthermore, as has been a family tradition since then, we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ as our savior and religious messiah on December midnight with a modest banquet. It's the same on the first day of the first month of the year when we welcome the New Year and believe it's a fresh start and a new life full of resolutions, all of which have willed over the centuries. I've always considered life a firm in which you must strive for patience and persistence if you want to excel. I've always tended to speak less and do more. Is it due to my upbringing or because I let the world shape me? Is it because I influenced the globe or how I perceive the world? In any case, I can't hold both of them accountable.

I may still be on the road to discovering my genuine life aspirations and purpose, but I will never change anything that has shaped me, whether my family, friends, experiences or trials. I've forged a route that I never thought I could. And as the years passed, I continued to wonder what my ultimate purpose in life was. And going through heartbreaks, pain, and complexities taught me that life is precious, and it is up to you to modify your solar and comet's cycle. While my journey goes on, I will not forget the importance of my roots as I chase my goal of discovering my passion and purpose.

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Pearleen Mae C. Liganad

#IDENTITY PAPER #Conatus

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Journal Entries

The City of Golden Friendship

Written by: Pearleen Mae Liganad

True friends are never apart, maybe in space, but never in heart.

- Unknown

It is not peculiar to anyone the place entitled the city of golden friendship and the gateway of northern Mindanao known as Cagayan De Oro. It is a place filled with its improvident scenery and rich cultural heritage, with its flourishing tourist spots and destinations that will surely be a hit on your bucket list. But what agitated my delicate and virtuous heart were the amiable welcoming smiles and the utmost hospitality of the locals with a novice like me. That is precisely why their province was recognized nationwide and flattered many hearts around the globe, including mine. And how grateful I am to have the opportunity to see and explore one of the hidden glories of Mindanao.

The lukewarm ambiance inside the bus made me zip my jean jacket in the dawn of March 9, 2010. The ride was profuse with passengers from different generations. Initially, we didn't plot to go to Cagayan de Oro since we didn't have the fund for any long trips. But the reality that my aunt's marriage was on the following day made us purchase express tickets instantly. My consciousness was yearning for adventure while sitting in the passenger seat for three hours, and not long after, I was walking anxiously onto the bridge linked to our house. It was a towering narrow timber viaduct with a somber misty atmosphere that made me tremble with fear, but mom held me tight, and we tramped over unharmed as our relatives greeted us with authentic smiles. My eyes dazzled as I looked at millions of fireflies glittering the pitch darkness that compassed my bedroom window on the first night.

It was a sight to remember as I glanced at my aunt bowed and smiled at the altar with her white dress filled with ornaments which acted like drops of rain. The red roses added embellishments onto the locale with a seashore on view. The place derived comfort as youths and grownups shared bliss and felicity with the newly wedded.

The break of day and soft wind added to my excitement as grownups premeditate an after-party at the coast. The minute I lay my eyes onto the scenery of the glistering horizons, made my heart fluttered and shivered as the seawater collided with my toes. The beach was called Punta Gorda at Balingasag City. It has white grains and peddles that added to my amazement. At supper, I acquired the opportunity to meet and engage with my cousins that were unknown to me and shared memories, experiences, and laughter as the sunsets.

Looking back, I wish I had a device that could capture that scenery for me. But dolefully, all I had were my memories, and it played like a film that I experienced in the summer of 2010. And if there's one thing I could inevitably recall, that would be the genuine amity that me and my relatives built and that I was the protagonist of my venture. Right there and then, I already knew that we had to leave that place as mom announced our departure, and my heart sank as to how the rain poured amidst the daylight. It was longing, weeping, and wandering as I stood at the cold concrete floors of our residency.

My childhood memoirs may have ceased, but they will remain eternal, solely as how I spent my summer twelve years ago.

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A Day in a Life of a Dreamer

Written by: Kyla Celine C. Zerrudo

College graduation is truly a momentous time in one’s life. A moment to be happy because of all the hard work that has been paid off, a moment to step forward and begin again as your career starts.

April 20, 2016 was the day when my cousin finally graduated from college as a nurse in West Visayas State University in Ilo-ilo city. It was around 4pm when we took a cab to attend my cousin’s graduation. While riding the cab, I was silently observing the city. The buildings were tall, crowded and a very busy place. The city was huge, enough for me to realize that I am indeed small. Few minutes later, we arrived at the campus where the graduation would be held. The moment I saw the gate, was the moment I knew that I wanted to come back there again as a student.

I followed my family towards the field and watched them take pictures of my cousin. Smiles of every person at the campus field were contagious as I can’t help but to smile along with them as well. Seeing my family so proud of my cousin, clapping with tears in their eyes because of too much happiness while retouching her make-up was a very beautiful sight for me. It was around 4:30 when the program started and as I stared and saw all the graduating students, I knew it was going to be a very long night.

While waiting for my cousin’s name to be called, my other cousin and I decided to go to the vending machine to buy food. While strolling around, I was very fascinated on how the campus was constructed most especially their cafeteria as it was very detailed. We stayed in the cafeteria until we finished our food and decided to roam around the campus afterwards. While strolling, I noticed some old buildings which made it historic and beautiful. I found out that aside from the main campus, there were also six external campuses which I find very overwhelming. The university is organized into twelve academic granting units offering courses from grade school all the way to postgraduate education. The campus offers 17 academic programs. The campus was filled with refreshing green trees, benches similar to a park, chirping birds and old buildings that made it nostalgic like The Ruins in Bacolod. When the sun started hiding behind the old buildings, we decided to go back to where our family is because it was getting dark. We were on time when we went back as it was already the nursing department that was getting diplomas on the stage. We all cheered and took pictures when it was my cousin’s turn to get her diploma to capture each moment. The graduation ended on time, around 6:30 pm which made us all famished. After we congratulated my cousin and took a lot of pictures, we headed straight to Hotel Del Rio to have our family dinner. The night was filled with laughs, deep conversations about life’s possibilities for my cousin and foods that were mouthwatering which made me wish that the night would last forever because everything that I needed to be complete was right in front of me which is my family, my home.

And hopefully, someday, the dream of going back to that school and graduating there as a Political Science and law student, making my family proud and complete once again, will come true.

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LAST SUMMER

Written by: Criselle Joy C. Cordova

Experiencing a pandemic isn't that good or bad. Sometimes we do blame it for our missed bonds with our friends. But somehow, I'm quite thankful for it.

Before the pandemic happens, we usually spend most of our time in school, friends, and academic activities. Our time only revolves around those things, and we barely make time with our families. We lose track of the importance of bonding in our family, and we let ourselves drown in stress and loads of work. Although the Pandemic greatly affected us, there are still some advantages for which we are thankful. One of those is because of the pandemic, we spend a lot of time with our family now than before.

Last summer, November 19, 2021, we went to London Beach. All of my family and cousins were there, and we did have a lot of fun. Upon arrival at the said place, we got welcomed by the very accommodating staff, and my heart leaped in joy the moment I saw the fabulous white sandy beach. The temperature at that time is 30 degrees Celsius, just a perfect temperature for us to enjoy and take a dip.

Beach is the ideal place for people to visit and unwind, but aside from unwinding, it is also an exquisite place to create new memories and indulge the breathtaking views along the shore. I was standing while admiring the view of the sea. My eyes hearken to the light as it dances upon saltwater on the bright beach as if the sea was telling me that it was also enchanted to meet me. And I've watched as the water rises from lacy waves as the ocean floor exchanges salty brine for marine air, creating the perfect warm brackish smell. My feet were feeling the soft earthly colored sand, and a smile crept on my lips as I heard the shrieks and laughter of my family in the distance who's happily playing in the water. “Finally, my heart is at peace” I whispered in the air. At that time, I felt like I was in a magical paradise. I was genuinely happy.

We ride a boat and wander the place just like a pirate who's looking for treasures and searching for wonders. We caught some fish, crabs, and sea urchins. They say that you can eat sea urchins, and we're curious about what it tastes like, so we tried them. They all laughed at me because I threw it all up. It tastes weird, and I didn't like it.

The sky is getting dark and although the sun has already set, the enjoyment and our bonding still continued. We watched the band's show, and I sang and danced along with my cousins. We also played some games and buried our uncle in the sand for fun. That night was one of the most significant and memorable days of my life.

Everything was still vivid in my memories. I was incredibly grateful for that one memorable occasion in my life because it strengthened my relationships with my relatives and my family. And because of it, I witnessed the beauty of the said beach. It's like I've been bewitched because I can't forget the sound of the water as it reaches the sand, creating a rhythm of its crescendo and the anticipated diminuendo. The breathtaking scenery and the cold wind at night. Indeed, It was a wonderful and magical place to visit. And I can't wait for us to go back there again with my family.

A lot of things happened to me during the pandemic but the best among them all is the unforgettable experiences and new memories I've treasured the last summer.

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SAMAL ISLAND

Written by: Somogod, Kathleen Joy

Nothing in this world can surpass the joy experienced when recalling great events from a particular picturesque place. The Island Garden City of the South or known as the island of Samal is not peculiar nor odd to many. With its pristine beaches and numerous beach resorts, Samal is considered as the country’s largest resort city or island. The stated island is one of the most popular tourist destinations for travellers visiting to Mindanao's capital city. What makes the island wonderful and why do tourists keep coming back here? Apart from luxury to affordable resorts that make for the ideal tropical escape, Samal Island is blessed with immaculate beaches, excellent snorkelling and diving spots, stunning and rich marine life, various marine reefs, and tranquil waters that lure travellers, particularly to Talikud Island.

How fortunate I thought myself to be when I had the opportunity to visit this magnificent island and hop on several and various beaches in it. The balmy atmosphere of April 09, 2021 was precisely the right time to go for an island wandering and beach hopping. Our only plan was to visit my dearly aunt in Davao when my mother suddenly changed her mind and decided to take a trip around Samal Island as well. I had no idea where we were going at that specific moment because I was clueless. I was just riding in our rental van, took a nap, and the van stopped at the one side of the road. After I woke up and opened my eyes, it felt like I was still in the middle of a dream.

I saw a lot of eye opening sights beyond the area. I was confused at first but sudden realization hits me, my heart was pounding like crazy. Adrenaline was running through my veins. Finally, I got back to my senses and realized we have arrived to the Island Garden City of the South, the Samal Island. The driver of our rental van took us across the island and started the beach hopping. I was simply enthralled by the sights we were passing through. Overwhelmed by beauty far and wide I found myself breathless at that very precious moment. Continuing over the island, I can see mountains from afar and coconut palms in the distance, and I could stare at them for the rest of the journey and never get tired of it. We have visited a lot of beaches in the stated island.

Every time I looked up to the sky and saw the blue sky dotted with fluffy white clouds drifting lazily in the soft breeze and tiny flecks of dust dancing in the shaft of afternoon sunlight that slanted through the window of the vehicle we were in, my mood brightened. We arrived at a certain beach on the island of Samal, not believing how quickly the beach hopping had gone. The warm air breeze that touched my bare skin and the aroma of the sweet moist air in that tropical island welcomed me as I stepped off the van. Sounds of birds chirping, leaves rustling, and the sea crashing upon the shore were music to my ears and it brought me a feeling of peace and tranquillity.

I felt million grains of beach sand underneath my feet. Moreover, the alluring scent of salt water itself, nature, and tropical flowers are all mixed up into one. I felt a lot livelier as I went closer to the sea and saw the beauty of it. Seems like they were inviting me to come and join them. The beauty of the sea was indescribable but comparable. The sea was as clear as a crystal. I lingered on the beach for a while, trying to figure out how I had ended myself in such a paradise. I continued to admire the tropical paradise and I have seen multitudes of greenery, lush foliage that looked like they were painted on their certain spot. Seeing these sceneries make me feel the peace that I have been wanting. I attempted to traverse the area by myself, and at each location that I thought had lovely scenery, I took a photograph of it in order to save it as a memory and never forget that extremely special time. I was having so much fun wandering that I was completely oblivious to the fact that nightfall was approaching. I sat on the sand and watched as the sun began to set.

Daylight starts to fade and the sun is having a farewell. I enjoyed watching the sky as the sun sets and I loved how the clouds are painted in ever-changing colours. The surroundings started to get dim and I can already feel the cool breeze against my face. I suddenly felt the tiredness so I decided to go to our cottage and took a rest. Now, I have come to realized why tourists really love coming back to the island of Samal. Every time I recall that magnificent moment, which I will never forget, I can't help but feel compelled to return to that paradise. When we left the beach, I was taken aback by the delight I had when I first stepped on it.

There are many ocean activities that we have yet to try. As a result, I told myself that if I ever return to that location, I will try in as many ocean activities as possible. In the summer of 2021, everything seemed to happen in a flash. Everything was hazy but vivid, and it keeps lingering in my thoughts. All of the things I experienced on Samal Island were definitely unforgettable.

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"The Comfort of the Beach"

Written By: Shiela May G. Maputol

“The ocean stirs the heart, inspires the imagination and brings eternal joy to the soul” – Robert Wyland

It was astounding how countless people know the municipality of Glan for its popular “Sarangani Bay Festival”. A Myriad of tourists from different places visits Glan especially during the month of May, for it hosts the biggest beach festival in the country. Aside from that, Glan is eminent for the various beautiful beach resorts that will never fail to make tourists Wow. But, for me, there is one particular resort that holds a special place in my heart. This resort is the Isla Jardin Del Mar Beach Resort, the place which boasts its extravagant pristine shorelines dotted with strips of powder-white sand beach. Who would think that a simple resort could bring tranquility and peace within me?

May 3’s effulgent afternoon adds up to my excitement as I climbed up in the van that my father was driving. I was ardent to witness and feel the spirit of the beach for it has been a long time since my family traveled and as luck would have it, today was my 17th birthday. What brought affixed joy to me was the fact that after a week full of stress and worries we will be able to have a breather; an escape; a vacation. The long hours of travel were excruciating for an excited girl like me and if my mother would describe me, it seemed that I couldn’t hold my horses any longer. While on the way I was engrossed on the road as my eyes catch the fresh colors of trees and mountains as we pass by.

The ride took 3 hours long and we have arrived at the resort past 5. Exhaustion and excitement were visibly in our faces and when we arrive there all that I can say is that it was worth it. As I stepped down the van the salty breeze of the sea brushed against my skin. My eyes were welcomed by the dazzling colors of yellow, orange, navy blue, and white that blended perfectly in the sky as if it was a painting. As the sun sets in the crystalline sea, warmth has immediately enveloped my insides. The pale white sand beach that contrasts vividly with the colors of the trees and cottages along with the crashing of waves that harmonizes perfectly with the whispering of the cold wind and chatters of the people around. I could not refrain from taking pictures of this majestic masterpiece that our creator has crafted.

I’ve spent the rest of my day eating, taking pics, exploring this splendid place. When night came, I took a dip into the shallow, cold, and pristine waters of the sea. Hours passed so fast that I haven’t noticed I was bushed physically so I decided to sit on the shore to rest for a minute. As I was sitting under the incandescent moon and stars I starred at the serene sea. Realization hit me… While I was in this place it seemed that it detached me from all my worries and problem the past few days. This place drained my energy physically, but not mentally. In lieu, it brought tranquility within me. It became a haven, a breather, and a comfort from all the things left in the city. I was just dismayed that when the sun rises again tomorrow, I have no choice but to go back and face a tomorrow consisting of worries and stress--- but what can I do? That’s life. Robert Wyland was right when he said that the ocean stirs the heart, inspires the imagination, and brings eternal joy to the soul. I was meant to go to this place… to love it… to adore it, so vehemently, like the sun---searing, like the heat---burning and it was meant to help me relax like the wind--- calmly, like the sand--- delicately.

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"A Day at the Philippine National Museum"

Written by: Precious Pearl Balena

If you don't know history, then you don't know anything and a visit to a museum is a search for beauty, truth, wisdom and life.

The Philippine national museum is really a great pleasure, which is why we should visit it with pride and glory because the historical paintings and artworks are inside the building that the youth must know and understand the message of every artwork. Youths must appreciate that kind of artworks. National museum is a historical building of the Philippine.

I am really a fan of going to museums, and since National Museum got a free entrance for the month of October and that was on the day of my birthday, I didn't think twice to go there, so my family planned a visit. I was so excited, not only because I know that you can travel back in time but of course there's nothing feels like getting in touch with your roots but by having to experience or perhaps have a glimpse of how it was like. Going there was not that difficult. We took a jeepney when we are in Manila going to Quiapo and took another going to Taft. It was like a dream come true for me when I reached it. I immediately took a picture of the building. When I arrived at the entrance, I saw a lot of people waiting for their turn to enter the museum. I didn't expect that, I thought people find museums boring. Anyway, when you enter the museum you have to leave your bag and register. That's what I did. I can really say that guards are really kind and polite. The building is huge and it's full of tourist and students.

As I entered the first gallery, I saw there the very famous "Spolarium" there were so many goose bumps moments when I was seeing the Spoliarium in person. I caught myself staring at its magnificence for around 5 minutes. I was absolutely amazed and mesmerized by it. It made me so proud of being a Filipino. I saw many other things that can teach us about how beautiful our history is. It was really amazing and the fact that most of its artworks are replica but there is still 10% of artworks and sculpture that stayed original. Every painting in the national museum is well preserved and most paintings have complete details and information. Well for some there is no artist or "unknown artist" but the painting is in great condition.

I was in awe of it and the experience was really indescribable. I'm not sure if I was just emotional or over reacting or if it was really the feeling it creates for every nationalistic Filipino. I felt like having to experience the atrocities of the Spanish Regime. I can still remember way back in Grade School, I was really fascinated with the Philippine History. This piece showed the world how it was like to be a Filipino way back then.

I just hope that people can find time to visit places like this, since it is something that can awaken our nationalism. Just a little reminder, take time to read the information about each piece of art and go there early so you can enjoy everything in it. I was astonished with how spacious and magnificent each gallery was. The exhibits were well lit and well mounted.

Overall, I had a lot of fun save for some technological inconveniences. I will definitely come back!

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Damweng Dmatal: My Great Xanadu

By John Kyper Po

They say memories end when you realize everything is starting to fade — evanescence. But, it's an opportunity to start a new beginning.

Memories are absquatulate; fleeting in an unexpected time. Yet, in this place, it's where all it kept. “Damweng Dmatal” is a Blaan term which means “overlooking the city plains” serving as a constant reminder of Blaans’ homage and culture before Koronadal settlers came in year 1947. Apart from its historical background, it's a wonderful place to radiate within the tranquility of nature; an escape from the noise of the city. This is a perfect destination to unwind as a nature-inspired individual who wonders beyond the quiddity of his/her sprezzatura. It captures not only an adventurous heart but also the spirit of being a Koronadaleño.

It was December 30, 2020 the 364th day of that year with an odyssey of having an overnight camping trip with people whom I shared the most of my unforgettable moments with that year. Friends who became brothers and sisters to me; unified together on that day. It was an unplanned trip in an atmospheric and cloudy sky. We are seizing the moment to witness the sunset on a stupendous landscape view. The city view is breathtaking. I suddenly closed my eyes to feel and cherish that moment. Hence, it reminded me of the things that make me close to nature. A zephyr touches my skin; goosebumps and shiver anchored my heart across the journey. We're taking pictures of the gorgeousness around the place while my mind and heart treasure that special moment.

As we relaxed in the eco-friendly environment, city lights vividly mesmerized our eyes — fauve. Everything is near just like tomorrow but we face it through transcending above and beyond our imagination to value our own existence. The night vibe energizes ourselves to make a documentary video; questions about our journey on how we overcome all the challenges. But it looks like we made it through, we beat those odds together with love and unity. Our friendships are like mountains, full of ups and downs and we conquer everything that is on our way. Our paths are foggy yet everyone sees in bliss and felicity.

Henceforth, It was still fresh in my memories the nostalgic feeling of longing for the views of city plains. The Bali-inspired viewing deck reminds me of my friends way back Grade 10. They are ethereal in my life; minutiae in mind and amity in heart.

Damweng Dmatal, where I'm a wanderlust.

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GIGANTES ISLANDS

Written By: Nica B. Montederamos

The Gigantes Islands are a small group of islands in the northeast of Iloilo. Islands that are known for their stunning white sand beaches, abundant seafood, and crystal-clear waters. I'm astonished at how small islands can have such a splendid view that blends the gleaming light of the beach with the ocean. It’s one of the most spectacular places that I have ever visited. On these islands, I easily discovered tranquility and serenity. The Islands looked out over a great expanse of the beautiful ocean that enthralled me with its beauty.

It was April 12, 2019 when we woke up early to prepare for our flight to Iloilo. I can remember our excitement because we can go on a vacation in Iloilo again after how many years. We prepared months ago our things and planned thoroughly our trip so that we can enjoy our vacation to the fullest. It was 4 am when wo got on a bus going to Gensan. When we arrived in General Santos city airport, I remembered feeling nervous. Airplanes are not my thing; I have been on a few airplane flights and it was not pleasant. My family can get to enjoy the view and the food but I can’t because I have a very bad case of motion sickness. I spend the entire flight sleeping.

As we arrived in the airport, I stepped of the plane with a relived sigh. Finally, the nightmare was over. After getting our luggage and going out of the airport I saw my Aunt that will be driving us to their house to relax for a while and spend the night there to prepare for the Gigantes Islands trip the next day. The next morning, we were up early for the trip and we were very enthusiastic. My Aunt has a van and she will drive us to the port going to Gigantes. We voyaged for about five hours including taking the ferry to the Island.

As I stepped on one of the Islands, I felt the coarse sand beneath my feet. I can hear the sound of the ocean waves crashing. The smell of the ocean carried by the warm ocean breeze. The view, wonderful as a fine gem. It was a good idea to spend our holidays in Gigantes, with the wonderful weather and great view. We needed to relax and take a break from school and work and I was glad that we got to spend there.

We went to the other islands to explore. With our phones taking every precious moment that we are creating. We relished our vacation a lot seeing a lot of gorgeous landscapes that I can never forget. It is flashes of contemplation when I see the Islands getting smaller as we left. Looking at the horizon still thinking of the happy and precious memories that we made. I vowed to myself that I will come back to that amazing place and make a lot of new memories to treasure.

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Trip of Wonders

Written by: Rhealynne Joy J. Legal

It was some days after we left our tears and sorrow in the grave of one of the most beautiful people I have encountered in my life, my abuelo. On the fifth day of February, the month of love in the year 2019, our family decided to visit to Lake Sebu to make some memories that will last for a lifetime. There were only three areas that our family decided to take a visit that day, namely, the Divine Mercy Shrine, Lake Sebu 7 Falls, and Punta Isla Lake Resort. that I will never forget as long as I live in this planet,

It was a joyous day filled with laughter and memories. Some may find things simple and normal but for me, it was a day to remember. We as a family, never really had a chance to travel and visit places even if its near and affordable. As we escape to Lake Sebu, my heart felt some stings of excitement and nervousness, I was beyond ecstatic because of the fact that we are going to travel . The shrine was one of those quiet yet beautiful looking place you can go to, with the flower decorating the place which made it lively and sacred. Different types of flowers were gathered and placed in one area creating patterns that only nature can paint. It was enticing. Restrictions and rules, such as no poses like peace sign or what, just smile at the camera and do nothing at all, were also made in that place. The place was very accepting yet I was tired already when we had a couple of turns in finding and exploring the area. It was a great experience for a non-traveler buddy like me.

The next place was even more exciting as the splashes of water and cold air welcomed us. The Lake Sebu 7 falls, a scenery way prettier than its pictures and its people way kinder than they seem, it was pleasant escapade, a heart whelming memory I can visit any time. As we arrived and walked to where the falls was, several attractions like vendors selling their products and monkeys accepting foods given to them welcomed us. I did take some pictures on that day but I really can’t say if some of those stayed in my phone. The quick trip ended as we saw the falls getting smaller and farther from us.

Punta Isla Lake Resort, a place with quite a few instagramable views. We waited for some time before boarding on the boat they used to entertain us. As the wind blew cold air, the sounds of music and gongs echoed in my ears. The dishes served were tasty that I felt my tummy grew bigger. The sound of music and the history of the place being told to us while stuffing ourselves with food, made the whole lunch exciting and wonderful. Learning is continuous as knowledge is offered to us anywhere we go. A little more turns and we have passed to see the beautiful sight of nature and the green scenery was very refreshing and breathtaking. A piece of nature then became a memory I can proudly tell anyone.

Our ventures and wanders made me see the world more clearly; nature is truly amazing to offer us mere humans places that we will never forget. The smiles and laughter was like an opera music, so pleasing to the ears. We traveled ignoring the thoughts that some of them will be leaving the next day. We made memories as if it’ll be the last time. We left the place with our smiles and thanks. It was just an ordinary day with very special memories that cannot be paralleled to any picture and souvenirs taken with our cameras.

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What Makes a Trip Special?

By: Caitlin Joy G. Ninian

Like the sea, happiness can be shallow and deep--- one from material things and the other from pure experiences.

Going to the beach is definitely one of the most popular holiday destinations for Filipinos. The Philippines, as a country with over 7,000 thousand islands, has an abundance of beaches. It's a destination where you can rest, unwind, and enjoy the white sand on the beach as well as exciting water sports. It's also a place where innumerable tragic and heartwarming events have occurred. And it's the latter in my case.

On the afternoon of December 19, 2021, my mother, father, and siblings, as well as other members of our family and workers, traveled to Maitum, Saranggani Province, for a short vacation. My younger sister, who is a student at the Sisters of Mary School in Cebu, recently returned home after a two-year absence. As a result, my parents decided that we needed to take a break. It's been a long time since I've been there. I was overjoyed because I hadn't been to the beach in almost two years.

The route from Ned to Maitum has altered dramatically over the years and is now much better, but I still felt nostalgic. The path used to be extremely narrow and unpaved. When it rains heavily, we must exit the vehicle and walk for a few minutes away from the muddy area before continuing the journey. I can't help but smile when I recall those days.

At roughly 4:00 p.m., we arrived at our destination. The cool breeze greeted me warmly. It's my understanding that it's its own way of greeting me. We went to the beach and took a number of images that we'll save forever. The five of us can only be together like this on rare occasions, which is why we sought to make the most of the situation and take as many photographs as possible. We played on the beach, chased the waves, and watched the sun set over the horizon, bringing light to the other side of the planet once more.

As I think about it today, the thing that made that vacation special and memorable was the smile, the laughter and the stories we shared that cannot be captured by a camera. The hilarious situation when someone tries to walk out of the water like those in the movies but they fall because of the uncontrollable wave behind them. Sitting on the beach with the people you care about most in the world, in silence, with only the sound of the waves smashing on the sand as music and the warmth of a bonfire while gazing up at the starry sky, is a tranquility that no device can capture. Only the eyes that perceive, the mind that records, and the heart that writes the feelings can capture these.

#journal entries #conatus

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12conatusezine · 2 years

Text

Biography

Plato

By:Christian Paul Indig

Before giving details of Plato's life we will take a few moments to discuss how definite the details are which we give below. The details are mostly given by Plato himself in letters which seem, on the face of it, to make them certain. However, it is disputed whether Plato did indeed write the letters so there are three possible interpretations. Firstly that Plato wrote the letters and therefore the details are accurate. Secondly that although not written by Plato, the letters were written by someone who knew him or at least had access to accurate information on his life. The third possibility, which unfortunately cannot be ruled out, is that they were written by someone as pure fiction.

Plato was the youngest son of Ariston and Perictione who both came from famous wealthy families who had lived in Athens for generations. While Plato was a young man his father died and his mother remarried, her second husband being Pyrilampes. It was mostly in Pyrilampes' house that Plato was brought up. Aristotle writes that when Plato was a young man he studied under Cratylus who was a student of Heracleitus, famed for his cosmology which is based on fire being the basic material of the universe. It almost certain that Plato became friends with Socrates when he was young, for Plato's mother's brother Charmides was a close friend of Socrates. The Peloponnesian War was fought between Athens and Sparta between 431 BC and 404 BC. Plato was in military service from 409 BC to 404 BC but at this time he wanted a political career rather than a military one.

At the end of the war he joined the oligarchy of the Thirty Tyrants in Athens set up in 404 BC, one of whose leaders being his mother's brother Charmides, but their violent acts meant that Plato quickly left. In 403 BC there was a restoration of democracy at Athens and Plato had great hopes that he would be able to enter politics again. However, the excesses of Athenian political life seem to have persuaded him to give up political ambitions. In particular, the execution of Socrates in 399 BC had a profound effect on him and he decided that he would have nothing further to do with politics in Athens.

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Jonahmae Pacala

By: Shiela May G. Maputol

Jonaxx, or Jonahmae Pacala, a pure-blooded Filipino who is an educator by day and a writer by nightfall. She was born on the 23rd of January in the year 1991 and blossomed in Cagayan De Oro, Philippines. Jonaxx found her knack for literature at the age of ten. She has loved creating stories online since she was 12 years old, despite not being much of a reader. During her primary school years, she was not fond of reading large novels, but she developed a strong attachment to melancholy short stories. She used to work throughout the day and would write in the evening to destress and ease her attention off work. Now, what began as a hobby involving paper, and pen, has evolved into a passion for online writing. Wattpad is where she publishes her stories.

In 2011, She earned a bachelor's degree in early childhood education at Ateneo de Cagayan or simply known as Xavier University. She has already carved out a niche for herself on the Wattpad website at an early age. Her accomplishments include being named "WRITER OF THE YEAR" in 2013. Jonaxx earned GAWAD KASULATAN in 2014 and the Filipino Reader's Choice Award in 2015 for her novel Heartless. In the year 2017 YES magazine’s august issue featured her. In 2018, She became the first Filipino Wattpad author to have a book signing in an arena. The Fiction Awards 2019 has also awarded Jonaxx's work "Until He Was Gone" as Best International Story and in 2021 Mr. Jerry B. Gracio regarded her as one of the most significant writers of the previous 10 years. After the triumphant debut of her app, "Jonaxx Stories," she quit Wattpad and resumed her passion for writing there. Amidst quitting Wattpad, she continues to attract followers and now has a total of 5 million, with the plausibility of reaching 6 million followers.

What's more admiring about her is that despite gaining unfathomable fame, she kept her feet on the ground and perpetuated the privacy of her loved ones, especially hers. When Jonaxx isn't writing, she enjoys going across the nation, where she obtains ideas for the locations she writes about. She lives in Cagayan de Oro City, where situations around her inspire her works. She once said that when she gets new plots and characters in her head, they would not leave her alone until she has penned them down. She is a mommy of Papap, a Chihuahua/Mini Pinscher cross, a beautiful Shih Tzu that has yet to be given a name, and a flowerhorn called Boknoy

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Vincent Van Gogh

By: Pearleen Mae Liganad

Vincent van Gogh, in full Vincent Willem van Gogh, (born March 30, 1853, Zundert, Netherlands—died July 29, 1890, Auvers-Sur-Oise, near Paris, France), Dutch painter, generally considered the greatest after Rembrandt van Rijn, and one of the greatest of the Post-Impressionists. The striking color, emphatic brushwork, and contoured forms of his work powerfully influenced the current of Expressionism in modern art. His art became astoundingly popular after his death, especially in the late 20th century, when his work sold for record-breaking sums at auctions and in blockbuster touring exhibitions. And because of his extensive published letters, van Gogh has also been mythologized in the popularized imagination as the quintessential tortured artist.

Van Gogh is the eldest of six children of a Protestant pastor and was born and reared in a small village in the Brabant region of the southern Netherlands. He was a shy, introverted adolescent who spent his free time exploring the countryside and observing nature. From 1873 to May 1875, Van Gogh worked for Goupil in London and Paris until April 1876. He developed an appreciation for Rembrandt, Frans Hals, and other Dutch masters from daily exposure to works of art, yet, his preference was for French painters, particularly Millet and Corot, over Dutch master. Van Gogh disliked art dealing. Furthermore, his outlook on life changed after being rejected by a London girl in 1874. In England, he worked as a language teacher and lay preacher before moving to the Netherlands in 1877 to work for a bookshop in Dordrecht. He intended to enter the priesthood and study theology out of a desire to help humanity but dropped out in 1878 to pursue short-term training as an evangelist in Brussels. He had his first major spiritual crisis there in 1879–80.

Van Gogh worked hard and methodically but soon perceived the difficulty of self-training and the need to seek the guidance of more experienced artists. In the summer of 1882, Van Gogh expanded his technical expertise by experimenting with oil paint. In 1883, his desire to be alone with nature and interact with peasants led him to Drenthe, a remote section of the northern Netherlands frequented by Mauve and other Dutch painters. He remained at Nuenen during most of 1884 and 1885, and during this longevity, his art grew bolder and more assured. He painted three types of subjects—still life, landscape, and figure—all interrelated by their reference to the daily life of peasants, the hardships they endured, and the countryside they cultivated. Émile Zola’s Germinal (1885), a novel about the coal-mining region of France, greatly impressed van Gogh, and sociological criticism is implicit in many of his pictures from this period—e.g., Weavers and The Potato Eaters. Eventually, however, he felt too isolated in Nuenen. At the same time, Van Gogh changed his painting in Paris between the spring of 1886 and February 1888 and ushered in the creation of his idiom and style of brushwork. In despair of ever being able to overcome his loneliness or be cured, van Gogh shot himself. He was found wounded in his bed that evening, and when interrogated by the police, van Gogh refused to answer questions. Two days later, Van Gogh died, and six months later, Theo died of a shattered heart (January 25, 1891). Theo's remains were transported to his brother's gravesite in a little cemetery in Auvers in 1914, where the two brothers are buried side by side with similar tombstones today.

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Adelina Aragona Zerrudo

By: Kyla Celine Zerrudo

Adelina was a warrior during her youth. And in her older years, she aged gracefully. Adelina Aragona-Zerrudo was born on July 9, 1922 in her parents' house in Anilao, Iloilo. She received her early education in Barrio San Carlos Primary School where she finished as valedictorian in 1928. Her elementary years were spent in Banate Elementary School and Iloilo Normal Train Department where she graduated in 1937.

She went to Iloilo High School under a Curriculum B with Vocational Subject from 1937 to 1941 and graduated as salutatorian of her class. She proceeded to Iloilo Normal School for college where she graduated valedictorian. Adelina took up her master’s degree at University of the Philippines - Diliman.

Adelina enjoyed the company of friends and relatives all throughout her life. Despite life’s challenges, she was still optimistic that not only made her family strong but also made an impact to the life of others. Her devotion and faith in God is admirable and inspiring. Her compassion and humanity to others is her family’s pride.

Adelina had her first teaching experience at Lopez Jaena Memorial College that eventually became known as De Paul College. She taught there for seven (7) years from 1948-1955. When a teaching vacancy at Balasan High School in Balasan, Iloilo was offered to her, she took the opportunity to be employed at a public high school. There, she taught from 1956-1958. Then, when an opportunity was offered for her to teach in West Visayas State College, she could not resist it since the school is a prestigious school for teacher education. And as time passed, she contributed to the institution's honor and glory in the field of journalism, theatre and the arts in West Visayas State College.

As a talented scriptwriter, she was credited for writing the script of Hinilawod, an epic poem from Panay. The script she wrote had been used in the staging of most Hinilawod plays in Region VI, and even at the Cultural Center of the Philippines. Because of this, the partnership of Zerrudo and Pangan was seen as it was Prof. Pangan who arranged the music for this masterpiece and on record, there are 236 musical compositions of Prof. Pagan, of which 38 were for WVSU alone. Most of the songs that he arranged for WVSU were with Adelina Zerrudo as his lyricist (West Visayas State University, 2009). Almost all songs bearing Zerrudo's name as lyricist bears Pangan's name as the musical arranger. Their partnership in music did not stop when Prof. Zerrudo retired from WVSU in 1987 while Adelina continued to be a prolific lyricist weaving beautiful lines for church hymns, wedding songs, and town hymns, and in all of these, Prof. Pangan remained as her collaborator her music arranger.

As a devout Catholic, she sided with the Catholic Church, opposing the government's birth control program to limit a couple's children to only two because she once said that if she only had two children, she would not have a third child who became a lawyer to defend her, a fourth son, Ariel to cure her, and a daughter, Cristina who is a nurse to take care of her which touched and struck people’s heart. Adelina was known, not only for her music, but for her pure devotion to God. Her songs reveal the depth and wisdom of her faith as she had always attributed her successes to God’s love, and used her talent to express this gratitude and her blessings into music which inspired a lot of people.

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Olivia Isabel Rodrigo

By: Richelle Millora

Olivia Isabel Rodrigo, commonly known as Olivia Rodrigo, is an American actress, singer, and songwriter. She was born in Murrieta, California, on February 20, 2003, and grew up in Temecula, California. She is multiracial, with a Filipino-American father and German and Irish blood in her mother. She's the only child who showed an early affinity for music. While growing up in Murrieta, California, Rodrigo’s first love was singing. She started vocal lessons in kindergarten and took up piano soon after; by age 12, she was playing guitar at the suggestion of her vocal coach. She began writing songs during this period.

Olivia pursued acting and appeared in productions at her elementary and middle schools—experiences that led her to seek professional acting jobs. Olivia wasn't an instant success. At first, her parents, who hadn't encouraged her to pursue acting as a child, told her she could stop auditioning. However, she was determined to continue pursuing acting. She began her career in show business when she was only 12 years old, when she booked her first big commercial for Old Navy; and when she was 13 years old, when she made her Disney debut as the guitar-playing character Paige Olvera on the show Bizaardvark. High School Musical: The Musical: The Series became her biggest role in 2019 when she joined the cast as Nini Salazar-Roberts, the female lead opposite actor Joshua Bassett, making her a sensation with tweens and teens.

Following the success of High School Musical: The Musical: The Series, she continued to work on her own music, taking inspiration from musicians such as Fiona Apple, Phoebe Bridgers, and, most especially, Taylor Swift. In the year 2020, she signed with Geffen and Interscope Records. Even before she had a lover, her early songwriting pieces were typically about heartbreak. On January 8, 2021, her debut single "Drivers License" was released, co-written by Dan Nigro, the producer, which broke Spotify records twice for the most daily streams ever for a non-holiday song and had a huge number of views, which made her the youngest artist ever to top the Billboard Hot 100. It was also a success on radio, Spotify, Apple Music, YouTube and Amazon Music. On TikTok, countless people lip-synced and created cover videos for the song.

One of her best achievements this year was making history at the Grammys 2022 by snapping up three trophies in the categories of Best New Artist, Best Pop Solo Performance (for 'Drivers License') and Best Pop Vocal Album (for her debut album 'Sour').

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Christopher Bang

By: Kathleen Joy Somogod

Christopher Bang or Bang Chan is a South-Korean-Australian singer, producer, dancer, rapper, as well as a TV personality. He is well known for being the leader of the South Korean boy band, "Stray Kids". He was born in October 1997, as the eldest son of three children, in Seoul, South Korea. His nationality is South Korean-Australian, and his ethnicity is South Korean-Asian. He has a younger sister named Hannah Bang and a younger brother named Lucas Bang.

During his childhood, Bang Chan moved to Sydney, Australia, and moved homes many times. He lived in several different places such as Strathfield, Drummoyne, Enfield, Belmore, and Greenacre. He studied at Cheongdam High School in Seoul, South Korea. While living in Australia, he went to Newtown High School of the Performing Arts which is a government-funded co-educational selective and specialist secondary day school located in Newtown, Sydney, New South Wales, Australia. He took dance classes including ballet and modern dance. He also loves athletics and won numerous swimming competitions.

In 2010, at the age of 13, Bang Chan passed a local audition in Australia for the K-pop label JYP Entertainment. Despite his young age, he moved to Korea to train at JYPE. During his time at the company, Bang Chan made many close friends including GOT7, TWICE and DAY6. Chan trained at JYPE for 7 years, watching his trainee friends debut without him.

In late 2016, Bang Chan formed a unit titled 3RACHA with members Han (J.ONE) and Changbin (SPEARB). On January 18, 2017, they uploaded their first untitled mixtape, J:/2017/mixtape, onto SoundCloud, consisting of seven tracks. The unit continued to release self-composed extended plays on SoundCloud.

It was then revealed in August 2017, that JYPE was having a reality survival show to launch a male idol group. Bang Chan was the leader of the 9 member "Male Group Project", including Han and Changbin. The group’s creation was made official on 17 October, when their music video "Hellevator" came out as a digital single, and led to two band members Felix and Lee Know being removed from the group, but they were eventually brought back. In December 2017, it was revealed that Bang Chan would finally debut as the leader of the boy group "Stray Kids.

On March 25, 2018, Bang Chan made his long awaited debut with the mini-album I am NOT as the leader, lead vocalist, lead dancer, composer, lyricist and rapper of Stray Kids. The group is composed of eight members which are Bang Chan, Lee Know, Changbin, Hyunjin, Han, Felix, Seungmin, and I.N. Originally a nine-piece band, Woojin left Stray Kids in October 2019 for unspecified personal reasons.

Under his leadership, "Stray Kids'' has released a wide range of discography that includes several tracks, mixtapes, and EPs like I Am Not, I Am Who, I Am You, Clé 1: Miroh, Clé 2: Yellow Wood, District 9, I Am You, My Pace, Miroh, and Side Effects. In addition, he has also appeared in various music videos, like TWICE‘s Like Ooh Ahh and Miss A‘s Only You, as well as in several shows such as The 9th, The 9th: Season 2, Stray Kids Amigo TV, Two Kids Room, Two Kids Room Vol. 2, Finding Stray Kids, What If You Are A JYP Entertainment’s Trainee?, and SKZ-Talker Go!.

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Benedicto Reyes Cabrera

By: Kenneth Jay Sanchez

Benedicto Reyes Cabrera, or BenCab, as he is more commonly known, is arguably the best-selling painter of his generation of Filipino artists, and is widely regarded as a master of contemporary Philippine art. He was born on April 10, 1942, in Manila. At the age of seven, he began painting on the street and on walls, where he was encouraged by his elder brother Salvador, who is already a well-known artist. Salvador brings him around and immerses him in the realm of art. In Manila's art circles quickly after getting his bachelor's degree in Fine Arts from the University of the Philippines in 1963, where he explored different art visual forms—photography, draftsmanship, printmaking—in that year, the painting Yakal Street Rooftops (oil on board) was being created.

BenCab learned to draw by mimicking American comic books and won a 100-peso award in a poster competition for human rights at the age of 12. During his career, he received many notable recognitions and awards, some of which were when President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo awarded the Order of National Artist for Visual Arts to him in Malacañang Palace in 2006. His successful career has lasted five decades, and his paintings, etchings, drawings, and prints have been shown throughout Asia, Europe, and the United States. He has shown extensively in the Philippines, as well as in Asia, Europe, and the United States, as a painter and printmaker. Throughout his five-decade career, he has received several significant art honors. He was awarded the Gawad CCP Para sa Sining in 1992. In 2006, he was also awarded by the Philippine government as a National Artist for the Visual Arts. Benedicto Reyes Cabrera was also awarded by the University of the Philippines in 2009 as an honorary Doctorate of the Humanities. Ben Cabrera: Etchings (1970-1980) by Cid Reyes; Bencab's Rock Sessions by Eric Caruncho; and BENCAB by Alfred Yuson and Cid Reyes are three books about his work.

He now lives in the frigid northern hill station of Baguio, where he founded his own four-level BenCab Museum on Asin Road, which has an eclectic collection of indigenous objects, personal works, and an astounding collection of paintings by modern Filipino artists. He founded the Baguio Arts Guild with a small number of fellow artists, including visual artist Santiago Bose, filmmaker Kidlat Tahimik, and sculptor Ben Hur Villanueva. During this stage in his career, BenCab began to delve deeper into the use of handmade paper as a working medium.

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Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul

By: Bench Ivan S. Odio

Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul, also known for his stage name Ten, a member of the South Korean boy group Neo Culture Technology (NCT). Ten was born in February 27, 1996 in Bangkok, Thailand. A descendant of Thai and Chinese great parents. Ten has a younger sister named, Tern Kulisara Leechaiyapornkul, a desinger. His korean name is Lee Young Heum.

He studied at Shrewsbury International School. One of his teachers said that he was not into girls as he was focusing too much in dancing. His favorite subject is arts and he hates mathematics. Ten can speak five languages, English, Thai, Mandarin, and Japanese. In school, he practiced gymnastics and won a trophy and five medals, and after quitting gymnastics he started to play basketball. Ten gained his interest in dancing as he watched Step Up 2 and his grandmother made him watch Super Junior, BoA, and Shinee music videos to get him into Kpop.

Ten entered SM Entertainment in 2013 through SM Global Audition. Jorja Smith’s “Blue Lights” inspired Ten to become an idol. He debuted in the unit NCT U with a song “Seventh Sense” in 2016 under the said company. Ten also debuted as soloist in 2018 with a single “New Heroes” still under SM Entertainment. He is also a member of NCT’s Chinese sub-unit “WayV” and the group’s main dancer, main vocalist, sub rapper, and center. Together with his co-members in NCT, Mark, Taeyong, and Lucas, Ten is also a member of SM Entertainment’s Supergroup, SuperM. Ten’s current single is “Paint Me Naked” that was released in August 10, 2021.

In 2011, Ten won “Teen Pop Star” talent show in Thailand. He participated in the Korean dancing TV show by Mnet, “Hit The Stage” in 2016. In 2019, he placed 99th in the 100 most handsome faces. Ten is currently a mentor in the Chinese dancing TV program “Great Dance Crew” alongside WJSN’s Cheng Xiao and Miss A’s Fei.

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Jelena Noura Hadid

By: Criselle Joy Cordova

Jelena Noura Hadid, popularly known as Gigi Hadid, is an American fashion model and television personality. She was born on April 23, 1995, into a Muslim household and has two younger siblings, a sister named Bella and a brother named Anwar. Both are models, much like their older sister. Gigi and Zayn Malik have a daughter named Khai Hadid Malik (famous singer). Modeling was in her blood, as her mother, former Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Yolanda Hadid, was a prominent Dutch model. (Her father is the Palestinian-American businessman Mohamed Hadid.)

Hadid's modeling career began when she was two years old, when she was noticed by Guess apparel designer Paul Marciano. She began modeling with Baby Guess before resuming her studies. In 2011, Hadid resumed her modeling career. She re-joined Marciano's team and was selected as the face of a Guess campaign in 2012. Gigi Hadid has walked the runways for the world's greatest designers, including events in Paris and Los Angeles. She has adorned the covers of several extremely prominent publications, such as "Vogue," "Teen Vogue," "Harper's Bazaar," and "Glamour" over the years. Hadid debuted during New York Fashion Week in February 2014, walking the catwalk for Desigual, who put her on the cover of her spring 2014 CR Fashion Book. She co-starred with Patrick Schwarzenegger in Tom Ford's Eyewear autumn/winter campaign in July 2014, before going on to feature in further fashion and fragrance campaigns for the designer later that year. Maybelline also named her a "brand ambassador" in January 2015.

Gigi Hadid is currently enjoying a quieter life on her family's ranch in Pennsylvania with her daughter. Following her stint on the show, the star went on to become one of the world's highest-paid models, appearing on covers ranging from Vogue to Harper's Bazaar. Gigi has subsequently scaled back her modeling career to focus on motherhood.

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Lee Donghyuck

By: Rhealynne Joy Legal

Lee Dong Hyuck, better known by his stage name as Haechan, is one of the 23 members of the popular K-pop boy band NCT. He is the Lead Vocalist, Lead Dancer, and youngest member of NCT 127, as well as the Main Vocalist and Lead Dancer of NCT Dream and NCT U. He was born on June 6, 2000 in Seoul, South Korea, but moved to Jeju Island with his family when he was 7 to 12 years old and spent his childhood there before becoming an official trainee of S.M. Entertainment. He is the eldest of four siblings, including one younger sister and two younger brothers.

He first debuted on July 10, 2016 in the sub-unit NCT 127 with the first mini-album, NCT #127. Later on, on August 24, 2016 debuted again on another sub-unit which is NCT Dream with the first digital single, "Chewing Gum". And recently debuted in his third sub-unit NVT U on December 13, 2019 with the digital single, Station X 4 LOVEs for Winter Part.2 track song, "Coming Home".

He auditioned for S.M. after his mother urged him to do so, he went through the Weekly Audition and passed with his audition songs "Hello" by Huh Gak to show off his low pitch skills and "Ugly Duckling" by Son Seung Yeon to show off his high notes. Haechan confidently danced randomly after the judges were happy with his ability and requested him to show his dance. SM then called Haechan less than a week later, saying they wanted to explore Haechan's potential further. Haechan performed the identical act as in the first audition, but with the addition of a camera that recorded everything and shot images.

Haechan suffers from Coclor amblyopia. Doyoung hosted a special MUGI-BOX episode during NCT Dream's promotion for "We Go Up." During their discussion, Haechan disclosed that he had been pondering whether or not to repair his broken cell phone. Haechan attempted to explain the issue. "Half of the screen... it's a different color," he explained. "I have color amblyopia, so it doesn't really affect me," he acknowledged casually. Color amblyopia occurs when the brain attempts to balance the images from both eyes, with one eye seeing color more vividly than the other, or when the image produced by two eyes differs, the brain suppresses the blurrier vision. It differs from color blindness, which is the inability to distinguish between certain hues.

HC, Full Sun, Dongsookie, Donkey (Donghyuck+Monkey), Banchan (Sidedish), Pudu, Chocoball, Sun-D, Hae-D, Channie, Sun Bear, Gamer Chan, and Fluffy Head are some of his nicknames. Lee Sooman was the one who picked the stage name Haechan, which translates to "Sun" and "full," gaining him the popular nickname Full Sun.

His favorite subject in school is music, and he despises science. He's been playing the piano since he was five years old and loves singing and dancing. Black, red, blue, and purple are his favorite colors. His members claim he is a terrible gamer, yet he enjoys playing. He enjoys playing Overwatch with the other members. Junkrat and Lucio are his major characters. He also enjoys Roblox, Apex Legends, and Kart Rider. He admires Michael Jackson and aspires to be a singer-songwriter. His nickname "Dongsookie" was given to him for the "female version" of himself; he also dressed up as a girl for their roleplay segment in their SM Rookies show. He is best buddies with Mark and currently shares a room with Johnny. Evian is the name of his laptop.

He created HAECHAN CAM, which has 37.5 percent Viewer Rating, and uses it to introduce himself. He hosts his own radio show, "37.5MHz HAECHAN Radio," on NCT Daily Channel. He also co-hosted an NCT Daily Channel series named "WELCOME TO SUN&MOON" alongside Taeil. He named his personal NCTzens (NCTzens) 'Sunflower.' He enjoys viewing films while sleeping in the dorms. He enjoys vintage Disney films, his favorite being The Lion King. Haechan falls asleep with the lights on or the television on in the background.

He stated that if he wasn't an idol, he would like to be a mystery shopper. If he were to visit China, he would like to go to Chenle's residence. He loves savory dishes over sweet things, dogs over cats, and is a night owl rather than an early bird. He is a night person because he like to sleep in on weekends.

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12conatusezine · 2 years

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They say love is like a rose that has its own beauty that stands out, but for me, love is patient and it always takes time.

On January 14th, 2020, I had this conversation with this guy. A passionate, approachable, family-oriented, God-fearing guy who is dedicated to his future and dreams in life. Little does he know I’m slowly falling after a week of our continued conversation. On February 14th, 2020, he gave me a blue rose with a letter and confessed his feelings towards me. We talk. We got to know each other. He passed the PMA examination, fixed all the papers that he needed, and had his physical test and medical in Baguio City.

Finally, he travels to Baguio to pursue his PMA studies. He is now a 4th class cadet in PMA. He gave me the assurance that, after he finishes his studies in PMA, he will do all that he promised for me. He told me to wait four years for him. And I said, "I will."

The process of waiting is not easy, but I always see the beauty in it. We didn’t have constant communication wherein I can say that he was always safe there. I don’t know what happened to him, but if he got a chance to chat me just a quick update once a month, that makes me happy

While waiting for him, I had peace of mind and I also focused on my studies.

On February 6th, 2022, out of nowhere, he left me a message wherein he said that we should stop everything between us because his feelings towards me were gone. I know the path that he chose, and it’s not easy.

He’s always busy, and I respect his decision. As he continues to move forward to achieve his dream in life, to become an Army. I’m always proud of him, pray for him, and always admire him from afar.

Love is a universal language where letting go of a person you love is also a part of it. Accepting that I and him are no longer together, but once upon a time, he became my home.

- Gorospe, Issiah Clarisse

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Do you have any regrets in the past? Do you ever wish you could turn back time and start all over again? Longing for those vivid nostalgias that would remain as a memory. Well, I do, and it haunts me every time I gaze upon the starry night.

It was the lukewarm dawn of mid-September. I was aroused by dimmed voices of despair coming from the living room. In a split second, I already imagined what had happened, and I cursed myself for that, but every step I took made my heart beat even louder .

I saw my father shed tears while holding the phone. He looked at me with weepy eyes as mom grasped him in her arms. "She's gone, nak." He said, and I could feel my knees shiver. My world sank, and all the stars in my universe had collapsed from greater heights.

The entire day went dreadful, and regrets from the past creep on me like a streak of lighting. "Let's eat," my sister said, but I just clenched the spoon and couldn't bear to shove the food into my mouth. I was still astounded and obscured myself from the rest.

A week had passed and I saw my uncle putting away her clothes and belongings. I tampered and turned to go elsewhere since my eyes were near to crying. "Always follow your dream, my love," her melodic voice echoed through my mind. The day she passed away made me restless and anxious.

I couldn't believe it until recently that both of my grandparents died in the same month and year. After Grandma's death, Grandpa abandoned us. They stood as my biggest supporters and defenders. They both see my infirmity and capabilities, and their presence haunts me till now.

December 2021. We've celebrated the holidays with anguish, and I grieved to see them once more in this lifetime. Currently, I'm still in the course of healing and accepting the fact that all of us are bound to depart from this world. And that guilt from our past decision will be a trace of what we choose to become. But this time, I'm going to choose happiness. Rather than holding onto regrets and suffering, I'll choose to let go. As a result, the stars in my universe will once again begin to orbit, brighter than before.

- Liganad, Pearleen Mae

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Have you ever had doubts about your own worth? You're striving to improve yourself and trying to look cheerful, but your heart is heavy with despair. I am one of those people who is frequently asked what I can contribute to my family. What makes my life meaningful?

I felt a shiver at about 10:00 p.m. in my room. I stretch out on the comfortable bed with a pillow and turn on some music, but you'll be surprised to see that my tears are already streaming down my face. When I looked in the mirror and saw myself, I was filled with a plethora of questions. I frequently find myself comparing myself to others and asking, "What about me?" Why weren't others having the same feelings as I was? Why are they able to do things that I am unable to? Why am I still alive while a significant part of my life is missing? I don't have to compare myself to other people, yet I do it all the time. Many of us lose faith in ourselves and wonder what we're missing in our lives. What makes our lives meaningful?

I'll be attending an online class on February 9, 2022. Another day, another struggle I will face, I usually tell myself when I get up in the morning. I'm going to disregard how I'm feeling. People who know me knows that I am a cheerful person who is constantly happy, but what they don't realize is that I have difficulties that I prefer to ignore. I understand that we are all unique, and that we don't need to compare ourselves to others. We have skills to do things that others can't. It's like you're crazy after you cry, you laugh. That's what happens to me no matter how joyful I am. I also experience despair and suffering that I don't express.

You know, life is like a rollercoaster with ups and downs, and you choose to be joyful, but your heart is filled with worry and anxiety. While sipping hot coffee and munching soft bread, my eyes were awakened that day. I discovered that my life was incredibly significant. I also have a reason for remaining alive, which is to realize my life goals. I became closer to God and to him, I asked for strength and trust that my family did not show much. Even my relatives say, "Oh, Kenneth, you should imitate your older brother." You should do that. It seems that they control yourself, and there are also times when it seems that your identity as a person is no longer yours. When you are forced to do the thing you shouldn't do, and that's what I regret, and during those days I was looking for a puzzle that was missing so that I could form myself or a personality because it was no longer me. There is really something we don't understand, like you are doing everything you can to get a high grade but still can't match your family's standard.

Way back in my elementary days, because I was not an outstanding student, I did not get the opportunity to go across the stage and receive a medal. At the moment, I was going through a bad time since I knew I was giving it my all, but it wasn't enough. I improved even more as I progressed through high school, but even if no one believes me, you will see that it is worth it. I'm gradually seeing and answering the questions that have been bothering me.

From all of my experiences, I've learnt that no matter how difficult life is, no matter what other hardships you encounter, you can conquer them. In fact, the more I got to know myself, the more I became focused on my goals and why I was doing it. Now that I'm ready for the next chapter of my life, I'm going to believe in myself even more. I will not compare myself to others because I know who I am and that is the most important thing.

Gradually, I began to believe in myself, and I grew more and more confident in my dream. My life has taken on new significance as a result of this. I have become more focused on my core values, and can genuinely say that believing in oneself makes life more meaningful.

- Sanchesz, Kenneth Jay

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“You can’t bring him back.” A phrase that I couldn’t get my mind off as I stared at the ceiling while lying in my cold bed. It was like the moment that I lost him, was the moment I realized all the things that he couldn’t be there for. The things where I just need my father for.

The thought of not seeing him ever again never entered my mind even once and I have to admit that although my father was far from perfect, I’m still good enough knowing that he is my father. He had his own flaws and his own battles. He even made a mistake that almost broke our family but I still didn’t think any less of him. He was still the best father that I could ever ask for and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Call me a biased person but allow me to tell you this. My father had the best sense of humor. When I was a child, he would fix my hair in pig tails although he was bad at it, kiss my cheeks as if I’m the fluffiest pillow in the world, buy me things that would piss my mother off and bring me everywhere that he’d go. I felt genuinely happy and “together” whenever I’m with him.

18th of October, 2015. It was the day before my 11th birthday. It was the day he passed away. Seeing my fathers’ dead body lying on our bed, watching my mother cry in front of me, telling me that my father is dead was too much and too arduous for my 10 year old heart.

When I was in 6th grade, there’d be times that I couldn’t help but feel jealous whenever I’d see a child hugging her father or see the fathers of my classmates fetch them after class. There would also be moments where I’d dream about my father then end up crying when I wake up.

It’s true when they say, “Time heals all wounds.” Death of a loved one causes us pain in a way that no one could tell when you’ll be fine again. No amount of “you’ll be okay” can make you feel better. It would be a long healing process that we have to go through.

To be honest, the first two years were painful for my family as we had a hard time to adjust. There would be random moments where I’d pray and ask God why and tell him that I’m disappointed with everything that’s happened. It was not until last month, February when three of us; namely, me, my mother and sister were talking about life and suddenly opened up the topic about our papa’s death. It was very heartwarming to hear their thoughts about it but what occupied my mind the most was my sisters’ realization about it. She told us that, had it not been for papa’s death, this would not have happened. After that talk, as I laid down on my bed that night, I thought about that phrase over and over again, trying to absorb it until I came up with this beautiful realization. Had it not been for my father’s death,

I would not have had the time to deepen my relationship with God and my family aside from my father. I get to see how loving and caring both my sister and mother are. Through that painful experience, God came through. He showed me that He was faithful and sufficient.

He showed me that He could be trusted. I know that sometimes, painful things that happen to us may look like as if it doesn’t make sense in the beginning but we must remember that somehow, in the midst of those, by the grace of God, his faithfulness will always prevail.

- Zerrudo, Kyla Celine

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The grass is greener on the other side—we see for it but not vividly enough. Sometimes we ignore things that appear in our own eyes, our perspectives are focusing on what is present to us. In fact, there's a much greater view, we just need to pan ourselves and look closely at it.

March 22, 2021. The Semester break is over. It was my first day in an online class. I'm so excited to introduce myself to my classmates and interact with them virtually. At first, I took a shower earlier that morning. I noticed something why some aren't opening their cameras and then I realized maybe they aren't as productive as I am nor it is what it is in an online conference. It's up to me to adapt in this situation. Everything's different the way I visualize learning amidst the pandemic; it enlightens me in differentiating the two modalities. I'm not sure what the reason is but the only thing that I'm certain of is that I'm jumping out of my comfort zone. Maybe this is just part of taking responsibility; I just need to be committed in every decision I make and consistent enough to finish what I started. "Why did you shift modality?" Camille, one of my modular classmates asked me. "I don't feel that being modular makes me swim deep into the ocean." I distinctly responded. "What do you mean?" She asked me again. "I need to know how deep it is." I sighed and gave her gratitude.

July 3, 2021. The last day of the semester. Camaraderie was built across the ups and downs of my experiences as an online student. We may be divided as we fall—but we're united as we stand. I have a zeal and a strong confidence to overcome everything towards my path.

Although I still missed my classmates from (HUMSS 13 De Saussure) sir Dagum's advisory class. I may not remember all of their names but I'll never forget how they made me feel. The memories we made in academics will always be in my heart.

Acquaintances are like money, they come and go; even in unexpected moments. The time we invested on them is worth spending. A treasure hunt full of adventures—an odyssey of pursuing felicity. Everything that goes makes me come and everything that comes eventually goes.

Henceforth, all the people that'd been a lesson I learned, I'm sincerely grateful for having you all in my life and to those people who remain faithful by showing me to not only look at the bright side—but always look at the brighter side of life.

- Po, John Kyper

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Do you know what it's like to feel as if no one believes in you? Even your own family can’t support you, and you come to the point where you also start doubting yourself? They often say that family will always boost your motivation and support you. Well, I think not in my situation. I am living my life in chains.

It was a typical day to commence the first day of February, and as usual, I woke up early. The breeze was gentle like a butterfly, and I smiled as the sun happily greeted me this morning. The trees are dancing as beauties in this light that colors my skin so tenderly. They move in perfect sync, orchestrated by the wind. They are the heart and soul of this early summer morning, and I wonder how many different shades of green my eyes are seeing. As they extend upwards and outwards into the light, taking in rays as clean as rain, I reach my arms up, fingers stretched toward the sun, and gently begin to dance. After mesmerizing the beauty of my morning, I showered and dressed up before attending my online classes so that I would look as fresh as a daisy. Everything turned out pretty well, despite the fact that I was as busy as a bee earlier due to the activities assigned to us by our teacher. However, I'm glad I was able to share my goals and dreams with my classmates. Later that day, at 3 p.m., I was enjoying my creamy, delectable, and delicious chicken noodle soup when I heard the "ting" sound coming from my phone, notifying me that I had a message. I opened it, and it was a chat from my friend asking me if I would take an exam for MSU SASE and what course would I take? I stared at it for a moment and thought about it because I still haven't discussed this with my parents. It took me a while to have the courage to finally ask my parents. "Pa, should I try and take an exam at MSU?" I asked my father, who's busy doing some paperwork. He paused for a while and looked at me. There were five minutes of deafening silence before he responded to me. "Why? What course would you take? " He asked me. "BS Tourism because I want to be a flight attendant someday," I replied to him with glee, but he seemed to be not happy with it.

His expression was enough for me to conclude that our conversation would lead to an argument and that this, I thought, would be the beginning of the end. And so, I was right. We argued for like an hour, and my mom and brothers also joined the discussion. All of them were against my decision. I didn't say anything; I'm as silent as the grave. They don't want me to be an FA because they say I'm not capable of it and "I can't do it." And with those four words, my happiness died. My breath hitched, and I was frozen still the moment I heard that. Their words were like the sting of a bee to me. Like venom, it spreads so quickly throughout my body that even breathing is difficult for me to do. It hurts like hell. I felt like sharp knives were piercing my heart, especially since they came from my own family, my loved ones. I was completely destroyed. Despite the fact that I was already crying on the inside, I still managed to put on a phony grin to hide my pain. When I couldn't contain my feelings any longer, I got up and ran like the wind. I must confess that in my quest, I felt depressed and restless. At that moment, I was so sad that I was drowning in tears already. I cried all my pain and anger. And that's also the time when I made up my mind that I would not give up. I will follow my instincts and change tack, and I'll do everything to prove them wrong. I will focus on my goals, improve my studies, and I will not stop encouraging my parents to allow me to take the course that I want. Life is a barren field, frozen with snow. I know that I'll face a lot of challenges in the future, but I'll still pursue my dreams no matter what. All I have to do is to believe in myself because, according to Christian D. Larson, "Believe in yourself and all that you are." "Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle."

- Cordova, Criselle Joy

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Respect and acceptance, things that all LGBTQ community members seek for. The feeling of being degraded, bullied and invalidated are just some of the burdens we LGBTQ members carry on our backs.

26th of February 2022, 3:50 pm. Preparing myself for my friends 18 birthday party at Paseo de Morales. Putting makeup on, snatching my nose line, looking like a doll, what a nice way to start a day. Confidently showcasing myself to our neighbors as I wait for my friend that moves like a snail. The vanilla scent in my perfume makes me more alluring.

5:10 pm, we arrived at the venue. Astonished by the decorations, tables everywhere, and a well decorated center stage. Standing, I can see eyes on me. I began to doubt myself, do I look hideous? Does my outfit don't match the dress code? Those are the questions I ask myself as I saw eyes staring at me. Out of no where, I came realize that it is because I am a gay, it is because the way I move and speak, and it is because I dress differently among other boys.

At 10:15 pm, the events ended. My friends and I stayed behind for an after party. Enjoying the moment we have, dancing, laughing, and singing. Jaws began to lock due to non stop laughter. In a cool small room we made memories we will always remember. 12:30 am, everyone decided to go out to get the cake left so that we could satisfy our craving. The cake is on a table where my friend's uncles are drinking. Everyone is too timid to take the cake.

Building my confidence, I try to get the cake and abruptly my friend's uncle stops me as he utter foul words to me. It seems that the sky falls on me as I hear the words he says. Slowly walks backward as my confidence drains like a cellphones battery. My eyes that are lively and looking straight start to go down and feels like my fire was extinguished. I suddenly became silent and came to realize that in this time where people start to respect and accept LGBTQ community there are still few that do not respect and accept LGBTQ members while they don't know the struggles every LGBTQ members go through just to show that we are worthy of acceptance and respect.

- Rizala, James

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What it’s like to be plus sized? I was not chubby or fat when I was a kid. I was normal. I was normal because back then I couldn't feel the glaring and heavy gazes of the people around me. Strolling around different places is not my thing. I can feel the judgment of other people. Their eyes are like knives, their eyes bore into me making me feel edgy, feeling like I was drowning and my legs are chained not being able to breathe. I know some of them don’t even care if I was there. It’s just the insecurities sneaking up to me. Like trees that are spreading their roots restraining my body until they suffocate me. Sometimes staring into space without thinking about anything makes me feel better.

There is no pressure that’s going “drip, drip” that will never stop. Thinking about nothing gives me peace. The peace that I always longed for because of the constant mocking of the insecurities inside my head. I was living my life in chains. I’m an awkward, chubby girl. That title will always stick to me and it will never go away, because of that I am drowning in a sea of sadness. It will never go away because of the constant reminders of the people around me. Always being compared to other girls. I tried all my might to smile and not cry.

Going on a vacation or meeting relatives and other people is like a curse. They always greet you with “Wow, you’re so big already”; “Are you exercising enough?”, “You should lose weight”. Smiling as if those words never hurt me. They had just met me and I was greeted by one of my insecurities. I was going through a rollercoaster of emotions. I was always on the receiving end of jokes from people because we are funny and the world considers us a joke. The loud silence of night keeps me awake, making me think about how cruel the world is. Taking every willpower that I have to defend myself from the criticism of the world because I just weighed more than humanity deems acceptable. I can’t say I disagree with what they’re saying. They should know that we are much more than our weight.

I’m not pretty, I admit. And that didn’t make anything better. Being accused of celebrating eating a lot of food or gaining a lot of weight made a hole in my heart. I know that health is important but demeaning someone doesn’t justify their health advice. I am still hoping that they can understand. Every cloud has a silver lining.

I’m doing my best to be healthy but I’m already being judged by someone who doesn’t know the behind the scene. I usually feel blue when I think about it. Health isn't just about organs and body weight. My mind is exhausted with the words that come out of people’s mouths. I am always crying my eyes out because of it. Our minds are fragile, they can easily break and give up. Our mental health requires just as much attention as physical health.

My body sometimes gives up, I’m down in the dumps because of the weight of judgmental gazes and words. My body gave up because it couldn't hold on any longer. A rock can withstand anything but it can still break. I’m tired, they should realize that I can get tired and I need a break from all of it. With a heavy heart, I wrote this piece.

I already have insecurities and a twisted perspective. I took everything very hard. Why should I care about other people’s opinions? Now I realized everything, I will never leave my heart and mind knocked sideways. I know I’m beautiful. I am beautiful, and that will help me fight the demons that have been affecting me for a long time. Now I’m ready to leave those negative thoughts in my mind. It's my body and I will understand “me”. People will have to change my mind if they judge me. I won’t let it bother me. I don’t need to be skinny and lovely because I will love myself.

- Montederamos, Nica

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Every time I see lean, good-looking girls, I am puzzled. I'm puzzled how it feels to be that attractive... I am puzzled about how it feels to fit in the body standards of beauty ... I am puzzled if people would perceive me as beautiful if I was skinny. But mostly, I am very puzzled as I popped the question in my head "will the people treat me better if I was not fat as a beached whale?" and just like what the famous song of Conan Gray says, "I really wish I were Heather."

Gloomy Evening of December 31, my family gathered together with my aunts, uncles, and cousins as we celebrated the Diamond jubilee of our matriarch's sibling and welcomed another year. Our laughter and chatters echoed on the four corners of their humble abode. It was such a pleasant night indeed and when the clock strikes 12, we've all greeted each other in harmony to the loud bangs of the fireworks. Minutes after we started eating like we are in a feast with various delicacies, serve to us. The smokey fragrance of the heated carbonara pasta stands in stark contrast with the creaminess of the melted cream cheese and grilled bacon, as well as the aromas of the spices like black pepper lingered into my nose. This has caused my mouth to water and my stomach to womble. I've got a bowl full of carbonara for it looks so flavorsome and luscious.

I was enjoying my mouth-watering carbonara when I suddenly felt the urge to pee, so I excused myself and find my way to the CR. I was about to walk into the kitchen when I heard the whispers of 2 people. I was curious so I tried to eavesdrop and the famous saying "Curiosity kills the cat" was really right because at that very moment I heard a very heart-shattering line. "Mimi looks hefty, I think she is much bigger than her mother. It looks like she was marooned in the kitchen." My aunty voiced out to my other aunty. My aunty agreed and replied, "Tata is pretty though I really don't know what happened to Mimi. Maybe, if she'll lose weight at least she'll look good enough." These were the exact lines that scared my 13-year-old heart. I dozed to sleep that night with the noxious air of melancholy surrounding me.

Years and years passed by, but those words didn't leave my system and I was also put through the winger many times because of my weight. My confidence crumbled... My sunny days turned into rainy days... and the once confident and bubbly child became so distant and lonesome. It also alters the way I envisage myself to a point that if someone compliments me, I'll think of it as a sham, mockery, or joke. Not until quarantine had happened. It became my port in a storm, it helped to build little by little the confidence to socialize with people again. I always remember this specific paragraph from the book that I have read "Expectations, assumptions, and judgments are siblings. They almost have the same counter to tell, we just need to look on all sides." It tells me that I should accept all the counters in this life, open-minded and open arms, and take it as a form of challenge for a better tomorrow and next. Some may see me as a confident woman but they don't know what kind of demon withstand. It was the demon of my past... a demon molded by insecurities... a demon in which only I can defeat.

- Maputol, Shiela May

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Have you ever been blamed for doing such a thing? For making the decision you never thought you would ever do. For breaking someone's heart unintentionally.

Nowadays, some people believe that they are the only ones who are suffering simply because they are the ones who have been left behind. When there is someone who understands the agony, who feels responsible for making such a decision, who doesn't want to leave but doesn't want to stay as well, who is leaving for the better. Way back 2021, month of November, I woke up early in the morning to start my day because I had classes. I felt drained and stressed already for everything. There was a lot of stuff in my mind at that time, including the decision I had been thinking about for weeks. I never imagined I'd be in a position where I'd have to break the heart of the man I'd been in love with for almost two years. I built memories with this man. He was the man with whom I shared my joys, sorrows, and even my darkest secrets. I assumed he was "the one." He's the man I believed I'd spend the rest of my life with.

On a November night, I finally did something I had been thinking about for weeks. My relationship with him came to an end via chat. We did not have a label; therefore, we were essentially in a "No-Label-Relationship." I've been teased for staying in a relationship like that, but it was not the reason I stopped it. It was because I no longer have feelings for him. I tried my hardest to fall in love with him again, but I guess you can't force yourself to do so. There were other promises that were not kept. I don't want to leave him, but I have no choice. I don’t want to stay with someone I don’t love anymore. I had the impression that we needed to set each other free.

That night, as I was explaining everything to him, I burst into tears. All of the harsh words he spoke to me were accepted. Even though we didn't have a label for our relationship, it was difficult for me to discontinue it. I understand that he was suffering, but he isn't the only one. Despite this, he requested a chance, and I agreed to give him a week to prove himself. He proves himself after a week, but I still have no feelings for him. I told him we weren't meant to be together. Although I felt awful about shoving him away, no one believed me. November 28, 2021, he stopped contacting me. I remember the first time he messaged me, which was on November 28, 2019, exactly two years.

I believed I'd be free after everything was over, but I was mistaken. People began to blame me for abandoning him. "Am I selfish?" I began to question myself. Why can't anyone understand what I'm going through? Why does this society think that the only person to blame is the one who left? Is it selfish when you only want freedom? Is it bad to know your worth? After that experience, I learned that no matter what decision I make, people will always have something to say, no matter how many times I explain myself. All I need to do now is to concentrate on myself. What matters is that I know I did what I had to. I took the steps that will set me free.

I've finally realized what I'm worth. I set a high standard for myself. I'll never lower my standards for anyone else. I'd rather be single than settle less than I deserve. My past has taught me a lot. When I invest my heart again, I'll make certain that it will last and that it will be good for the both of us. I'll offer my heart to a man who will love me more than I love him. The man who will not only love me but will also be consistent in his actions towards me. Because love without consistency will not make me stay.

- Iñego, Junella

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