101dramatics

[101dramatics]

sometimes the only good thing that feels natural is the sound of typing.maybe it is ocd or anxiety or some other feeling that I can't describe at the moment but I feel ike that the repetitive sound is something soothing like white noise for a infant who is over tired and can't sleep. sometimes feel like that, an over tired baby who is just trying to communicate to the world what I need. Maybe I don't even know what need, but I know I need something.

[101dramatics]

relationships

I told someone that I can either be a girlfriend or a slut. which is true. but it made me think about my dating history in the past and everything that contributes to it. it kinda is making my head spin and I want to throw up.

[101dramatics]

change

alot has changed which is good and everything that has changed has changed for the better but for some reason I feel like my brain is running six times faster than the speed of light for no reason. I am overthinking the world, sleeping less and less, and chasing the vanity of others and approval. I feel motivated but when people ask me how is going I feel the words "im kinda dying inside" catching in my head and mouth. I dont know how to cope with this and can see myself falling backing into the patterns of lust and lucid ideas.

[101dramatics]

anxiety

this type of anxiety feels different. its like physical, more so than anything else.

[101dramatics]

trauma overload

Social media is the best and worst thing to happen to the world. there's a lot we learn from seeing what the world looks like from 10000 different perspectives and locations around the globe. but brains aren't made to process every atrocity in the world and still have to function within their own wold. I guess you could call it trauma fatigue, and yes it is a first world problem. but when all you want to be is the best person you can be, and want to know what is going on, and all you can see is the war, injustice, and money hungry power grabs around the world.... you get lost and immune to what is going on.

I don't know how to be a good member of society and still not want to end it all

[101dramatics]

talking about it

I don't think I know how to talk about it, on a personal level that is. I can't get mad at the system and the policy and the history about it but talking about how it affects me directly? emotionally? good luck

[101dramatics]

avoidance

keeping busy everyday, competing on how little sleep you can function on before exhaustion.

keeping music at a level 9 because any lower you can hear your own thoughts.

trying your best to help others because if you worry about their issues enough, you don't hav headspace to think about your own.

planning faster than you can see because you can't disrupt a plan and have second thoughts.

a cycle, that doesn't seem to have an out.

#I

[101dramatics]

jealous

I follow adoptees on social media.

I hear the dark humor jokes, and I feel community I watch someone find their birth parents and I feel so isolated like those birds from Darwin I think about why one country is so much better about reconnecting their lost sons and daughters and why mine is not

I wonder if it is helping or not

[101dramatics]

update

I can't remember the last time that I wrote on here, alot has happened since then so I guess it'll be good to give you an update.

I was really busy, like 9 hours of classes and 32 hours internships and 18 hours working on the weekend. according to google i was either busy because I need to feel needed, have low self esteem, or was avoiding all emotions. I hate when google is fucking right. but I graduated, passed my professional exam, and now im moving to a city that I know no one, living myself in a studio, for a job that I have no clue if I will like. but there's not stopping it now.

I do think I was so busy that I did avoid feelings, I mean I hardly remember grad school, kinda similar to college - like areas of black outs and blurs. maybe that is something to be concerned about but I dont know.

I mean I thought I just grew up and had stop thinking about you and being angry/sad toward you and what happened. but I think I was too busy to let my brain think about anything that wasn't due in the next 24 hours. because now holiday season has officially passed and im crying now thinking about everything from the past few months. I didnt think about you thanksgiving or Christmas or my birthday but today I did. seeing everyone else post about their girlfriends and boyfriends and its sweet really but I just get angry. this day is anger for me, its loss and I hate it because people think im bitter because im single no im fucking bitter because today marks the beginning of so much loss that I didnt agree to. so im angry and I want to scream and hit and throw a tantrum like a child, maybe I still feel like that child with no control of life.

[101dramatics]

spark(less)

can you be burnt out without ever having a spark? if there is not drive to begin with...

[101dramatics]

running on e until the car dies on the side of the road. stuck, at 3 am, on a big highway. your afraid to get out of the car, for fear of being hit by another speeding car (there isn't another car for miles and hours). You wonder if the car will survive being towed away, fixed in a even more run down shop that the car itself. Its a beat up can with scratches on the front doors, 3 even lines on each sides. Paint is still to thin to cover it up. The hood is dented, a cratered piece of metal. you should just start walking, maybe you'll find a better ride.

[101dramatics]

coming home

as I grow up, looking back at the walls of text that I have written to you, I realize that I come on to here when the thought are hitting empty minds, if the thought are too dark and scary for someone to hear, and to close to reality to keep in my own self. there is something therapeutic to come home to this website. and if someone were to find it, I hope they feel the loss and sadness that I had once a upon a time, in the lost land of memories.

[101dramatics]

I don't know if am angry at you, if I forgave you to fucking easy, or if I wish I had said all of this sooner. the world that we created, that little bubble of just us and memories, is still circulating in its own solar system, somehow still living after all of the astroids hit it. how is it still floating, it should be dead

[101dramatics]

hide

I want to hide. I want to avoid and burn any feelings that are possibly in existence right now.

[101dramatics]

polar

realized how much I had compartmentalized and shut off parts of being human. how much of a person I had avoided. how much life and happiness I didnt let myself enjoy because I had forget how to. because I thought if I did that it would just hurt again. so when the only things you have felt for years is stress, tired, anger, annoyance, and sad -- it feels so wrong to be happy. feels wrong to feel loved and even consider the idea of longing for another person. its like learning how to feel again. how to love life again.

[101dramatics]

I dont know if typing all of this out is helping or if I even have anything to say but I can't stop doing it. 

[101dramatics]

jfp

you were that relationship that will forever follow me. it was the highest of high that plummeted to rock bottom. you made me feel like everything I did was for nothing, made me think that even if I gave you everything in me- it still wouldn't be enough. you made me think that nothing was something and I should be happy because you were just alive. I am not saying that I was perfect and I defiantly messed up but I left that situation feeling like I was never going to get anything better than nothing. and that I was never going to deserve something as good as it could've been because it was good enough for you. and I dont care if it unfair to you because you were going through things as well but I never got be angry at you. I never did. I was worried, scared, concerned, and then indifferent. and I dont know if I can even be angry anymore.