You’d always say, that they‘d be the first of your friend group to marry
You’re eating lemon merengue and cherry cakepops with white chocolate
You’re wearing a long white summer dress
The bride wanted an all white wedding
It’s the beginning of May, and the April snow feels like a thing of the past already
It’s like the warm embrace of spring, and its abundant green and yellow fields had cast a spell on everyone
April amnesia
They’re playing that one song by The Cranberries
You remember being 21 and sitting on the train back to your shared Berlin flat
Not wearing any makeup, your hair a faded shade of pink
Planning what your next Sunday bake project is gonna be,
What you’re gonna do next week on your free days,
Wondering when they stopped putting shoe sizes on the sole of the shoes,
What your next tattoo is gonna be
And what flowers you‘ll have at your wedding
You’re dreaming of a brick house with lemon trees in the backyard
Of a husband who’s tall enough to reach and pick the fruits by hand
Of making lemonade with just enough honey and maybe some elderflower sirup
Dreaming of raising a child, returning to your hometown, letting go, an endless spring, listening to The Cranberries with your mother and feeling at ease with April snow and imperfect banana bread
Where to put it, how to tame its insurmountable spirit.
How to sing it lullabies for my voice always crackles up.
How to call out its name without fearing the worst.
What to say to it when it comes running to me like a child.
What to whisper in its ears so as to soothe its wild nerves.
I know I can very well discard it, get rid of it forever, but if that would have been possible, i would not be writing this poem today titled, "what do I do with my grief"
I know not how it's so capable of being so alive when I, the harbourer, has died so many times.
Isn't this grief that I carry in my belly, my child?
If that's the case, it should have died long time ago.
But here it is, chuckling and stretching its limbs, looking at me with its endearing eyes, waiting to be picked up with utmost affection.