#yeah this is barely coherent. it's an uneloquent stream-of-consciousness because that's how i process

[silasbug]

i've been feeling a little weird lately. not quite real. reality seems fuzzy.

my head, ah. it feels like it's been stuffed into a pillow. everything is soft and muffled in this strangely oppressive (but comforting) way.

i keep having this thought that "i've been such a different person lately". i think i have. i've.. not quite felt like me. it feels off. it feels strange. but in a good way.

it feels like i'm gently floating along a river and, despite the usual pitfalls of depression (a snag of a branch or the nibble of a fish), it's felt fine.

the water is luke warm and normally i would be shivering, but i am too tired to shiver. it's that point where your body stops convulsing and gently eases into the cold. where you're glad that it stops trembling, because it became exhausting.

i just keep noticing it. (the change). i'm painfully aware of it sitting on the edge of my consciousness. it's gently waving at me. it doesn't feel malicious, but it feels out of place. (thinking about it in tangible terms like a being helps).

i feel light in the way that i feel when i no longer care about something. when i can let it go. send it off into the fog. let it fade. that sounds positive, but it's just been nothing. neither good nor bad. it's indifference.

and maybe there are some things i have stopped caring about, or have finally (subconsciously) decided to just leave and accept. "it is what it is". and for once, it just is.

the.. ache that usually accompanies that statement isn't there. it's not the *sighs hopelessly, wishing it could be different*.

i reckon i'm not making sense but my thoughts rarely do and i don't care. my brain is tired and i think it's done thinking. it's acknowledged that it is done thinking.

it's allowing for a strange sort peace. i feel calm. i wouldn't exactly call it content (but isn't it content, in a way? it is), but it feels like i could fall off the face of the earth right now and be fine. be okay. or feel nothing at all.

i could.. become a drop of water and join the puddle as a whole.

i'm buried beneath the leaves and i am happy to stay here.

it's closure.

i don't know why it feels that way or what caused this and i'm sure it'll stop feeling that way soon (hello darkness, my old friend, anyone?), but this is.. fine. for now. it's.. ah. certainly better than the alternative.

i'm sure the need and the will to struggle will arise again once the anxiety and the fear settle back in, but it could stay like this for all i care.

and i think i just realized that maybe i've just been basking in the feeling of fear leaving my body for the first time.

it's literally felt like i've been able to dislodge the metaphorical fear-stick that is constantly up my ass. just a little.

who knew not feeling afraid for once would feel like a dream? like unreality? all soft and fuzzy.

it'll be back something fierce. be nicer if it didn't.

i'd even give it a kiss goodbye if that meant it would leave me be.

anyways.

#yeah this is barely coherent. it's an uneloquent stream-of-consciousness because that's how i process #this is.. positive? i think #it's not negative for certain. just a little.. apprehensive #i.. ah? there's more i want to say but i forgot how words work #the biggest changes i've noticed is that i'm just somehow.. able to talk to people better? i'm still too scared to actually initiate #but when i have talked to people it's just felt fine and normal and natural while usually it feels anything BUT that #while i still worry. it settles in much later than it usually would. so i don't panic while i speak. #i still have the same doubts but it's been easier to say 'oh. ok. so what? what if they're playing you? what could you do about it? #why does it matter? why do you even care?' and i've just been able to. not care? since. it definitely creates some detachment but maybe #that's fine? i always got too invested in everything too quickly anyways. take everything too seriously. maybe this is good. #journal entry #personal