#y'all my anxiety has me spiraling as of late because it just feels like my whole life is falling apart at this point | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cynicalrecoverysociety · 3 years

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Summer Strong Daily Check In

(quick note about formatting: I will be recapping the previous day's progress with each check in, not the current day)

Day 1 (7/19): What habits will you be focusing on this week?

I am going to try to keep this simple. My goals will be the same every day for the entire challenge. I'm picking one physical health and one mental health goal.

I'm pretty picky about goals, and I think it's important to recognize goals that don't serve you. Your goal should never be "lose weight" or "eat healthier". Far too vague. They should be "set and meet a calorie goal every day" or "add 2 servings of vegetables to every meal". If your goal is just "lose weight" you are doing yourself a disservice by disguising 1000 tiny but important goals into one giant mountain of a goal that is exceptionally difficult to achieve without setting, adjusting and accomplishing your healthy habits. Sorry y'all I have a lot of Opinions about goals and consider this your PSA: if your goal is not a small habit you can accomplish most days you are making this way too hard on yourself.

Anyway. Back to the matter at hand. My goals are:

At least 10 minutes of activity each day. This can be a walk, a quick yoga video, a few rounds of Beatsaber. Anything to use my body for a few minutes each day.

Use at least one anxiety reduction tool each day. Grounding, meditation, breathing exercises, cbt tools are all fair game. My goal is to end this challenge with a toolbox full of strategies to help manage my mental illness more consistently.

I think I can manage this, but it will be difficult. The activity I anticipate to be manageable if a bit grudging on some days. The mental health goal is a big yike from me though. The worse my mental health gets the less I feel inclined to use my tools. I have been going through an anxious period lately and have not used a single tool to cope. The thought of doing 10 breaths made me simultaneously petrified and angry. I have always been like this. I do not know why. But I know it's really bad for me.

Anyway. I met my goals yesterday! I took a walk on my lunch break and while I was out did a grounding exercise when I started to spiral. It was actually a big accomplishment for me because my anxiety has been in such a place lately my agoraphobia started coming back and I hadn't left the house on foot in weeks. But I started to cry while I was listening to music (fun fact: I couldn't listen to music for 5 years because literally every song will make me cry) and then kinda freaking out about crying in public and whatnot. But the grounding exercise brought me back and I finished my walk. Frankly I did not expect day one to be such a challenge but I've really been slipping back into bad habits mentally. This challenge might be even more challenging than I thought but obviously I need it. Make room up above because this bitch is g r o w i n g.

#summerstrong

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surveys-at-your-service · 2 years

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Survey #493

“either wanna be with me or be me”

What do you think about Fall Out Boy? I enjoy them. Are you pale or tan? I'm very pale. Do you like cats? I love cats!!!!! What’s your favorite Jim Carrey movie? Either The Mask or How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Did you go to your senior prom? I did. Did you ever try cigarettes? No. I do not see the appeal of them at all. Favorite place to eat out growing up? Probably just plain ol' McDonald's. Who was the last person you flirted with? My boyfriend. Are you dating the last person you kissed? Yes. Who is the last person that disappointed you? Myself. I've been really so lately because I'm just not doing things I need to do. Do you fall in love easily? Nope. Do you know anyone who has been arrested? Yes. How would you feel if your last ex fell in love with someone else? I'd feel... a bit strange, but way more than that, I'd be incredibly happy for her. Do you know anyone who died of breast cancer? Died, no, but rather survived! Do you have any mental disorders? Social anxiety, generalized anxiety, depression, bipolarity II, AvPD, OCD, PTSD, and I am almost certain I have DPD, too, but won't self-diagnose. Which one of your friends is the funniest? He's more than a friend, but my Girt is fucking hilarious. Would you ever forgive your boyfriend/girlfriend for cheating on you? Nope, bye. Have you ever been arrested? No. Have you ever kissed someone that was the same sex as you? Yes. Do you think you could you handle being in the military? I would genuinely rather die than be in the military. Who was the last person to compliment you? Girt called me responsible when we were talking about what we'd do with $1k (I don't know how we got to that convo, haha), and it meant a lot because I don't think I'm that responsible. Would you fall apart if that last person you kissed walked out of your life? I think I'd just feel... numb. Like I wouldn't be surprised, because I know I'm not good enough for him, and I expect it to eventually happen anyway, just because of trauma. Ever taken a picture kissing someone? Yes. Could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life? I know I couldn't. The feelings were too strong and it just wouldn't be healthy for me. What's something new you recently learned about yourself? idk What would you choose to be famous for? Either wildlife/nature photography or drawing. When you are in the shower, what do you normally do first? Shave. Do you have a fear, even only a slight fear of insects? Yes. Do you ever play any MMORPGS? Just WoW. Do you like Disney? I love Disney movies. If so, what is your favourite Disney movie? Y'all know this by now, lol. The Lion King. What is the most creative thing that you do? Write complex fantasy scenes in RP. Do you ever think of bettering your talent or do you not need to? Of course I want to better my writing. In some ways, I think I'm worse than when I was younger. Do you like any animes? Yeah, such as Fullmetal Alchemist, Deadman Wonderland, Ginga Densetsu Weed, Pokemon, Attack on Titan, Avatar: The Last Airbender, etc. What do you mostly daydream about? A happy future. Who has influenced your life the most out of family members? My mom, easily. Who do you miss the most? Some days it's Jason, other days it's my departed dog Teddy. Which overrated tattoo are you sick of seeing? Get whatever tattoo you want, but I'm not really a fan of sunflower tattoos. They are so. Fucking. Common here. What was the last thing you taught a younger kid? I taught my niece how to make "reindeer food" for Christmas, something I used to do as a kid. It's basically just grains and seeds and stuff that you sprinkle in your front yard for Santa's frens to eat. :') Have you written a resume before, either for yourself or someone else? Yes, for myself. Is there a specific food you think NEEDS to be at Christmas dinner? Spiral honey ham. Do you judge books more by their cover, name, or description on the back? The description. Which underwater creature do you find the most badass? The Portugese man-o-war. It has no fucking brain yet is still alive and stings the everyliving SHIT out of things. Where is your favourite place to get pizza? Domino's, lol. I'm basic. Do you have any celebrity’s perfume? No. Who is your favourite Scooby-Doo character? I don't have one, really. Have you ever played or been interested in playing World Of Warcraft? Haha, you're asking the right person. I love it and have played since 2014, though I did have around a year break. I needed it though, because I was addicted to it prior. I still play it a lot now, but I'm no longer addicted. I get very bored in it after a few hours, and it's evolved into just being the thing I do when I'm most bored. Why did you read the last book that you read? It was the next book in a series I'm reading. What is something you know you will never do? Do hard drugs. Especially intravenous ones. What kind of shoes will you not be seen in? Crocs. Whose wall did you post on last? My friend Summer's for her b-day. Would you consider getting a tattoo any time soon? Not soon, sadly. :/ I HAVE to take care of other, more important things. Do you enter a lot of sweepstakes? I never do. What is your favorite possession in your room? Teddy's ashes. Have you ever considered writing a novel? Many times when I was younger. What is your favorite brand of bottled water? Essentia. If you were to write a story, what would it be about? It'd probably be about RP plots I've taken part in. When was the last time you got out of your home? Today. I had therapy. Do you like PopTarts? Some, yeah. Describe to me the happiest day of your life. I really think it was the day I met Sara in person. It was so amazing to physically see and hug my best friend, and we just connected instantly, like we'd seen one another a thousand times before. I wasn't shy, and she didn't seem so, either. It was great to meet her family and just hang out and be happy. Would you want a pet iguana? Not again, no. I had a baby one for a while, but I just couldn't afford the proper care for her and wasn't about to neglect little Kaiju. I gave her to a much more experienced person who actually had a red iguana already and kept me updated for months after! I have full faith she is doing spectacular. After some education, I don't even know if I support iguanas as pets; you will never see one brighter and healthier than a wild one. But idk, it's perfectly possible to take excellent care of one and develop a true bond. I want a large lizard one day, but I'd prefer a tegu over an iguana. Snake Discovery's Ally made me fall in love with them. Do you like gardening? No. Too much effort for me. Do you like Fresca? Meh, it's all right. My mom used to loooove it. Who would you want to be with if you found out the world was ending? Mom, Sara, and Girt. Just sit, talk, and watch it happen. Would you ever flash a cop if you knew you’d get out of a ticket? Uh, no. Is there someone you want to fight? Definitely not, I avoid conflict like the plague. Do you find guys with facial piercings attractive? Yes. Have you ever slow danced with someone? Yes. Would you ever have children before you got married? IF I wanted kids, I would try and avoid this. I want to know my partner is in for the long run, and besides, legal stuff would be easier. Do you personally know anyone that has AIDS? Not that I know of. Do you think your ex will ever want to be with you again? Aaron: no. Juan: hell if I know, don't care. Jason: no. Tyler: don't know, REALLY don't care. Sara: idk, but I honestly hope she finds someone more capable than me. Who do you usually go to for advice? My ma or Sara. Depends on the issue. When was the last time you completely broke down? ~Completely broke down, I can't say I'm sure. Has your first ex ever been in jail? Pretty sure it'd be a cold day in Hell before Aaron ever goes to jail. He was such a good kid, and still seemed so years later through Facebook. What about your last ex? No. Have you ever fallen out of love? Yes. Have you even given someone a bad haircut? Never cut someone's hair before. What are you excited for? Christmas, if we're talking things in the near future. Are you part Irish? That's the largest part of my heritage. Do you own any action figures? No. Do you often find yourself eating just because you’re bored? That is a MASSIVE problem with me. It's honestly probably the primary reason I'm more than "overweight." I'm bored pretty much all the fucking time because I have godawful anhedonia as a symptom of my depression, and I have trouble distinguishing when I'm just bored from hungry. Do you watch music videos? No. Do you like lemonade? Haha, I have some right now, so that should suffice as an answer.

#survey #surveys #random questions #questionnaire #lyrics: ''maneater'' by nelly furtado

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audiodiaryofasuperhero · 7 years

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About that Unannounced Hiatus...

Hi, y'all. Remember us? We took a pretty long unannounced break from… well, just about everything to do with the public side of this show.

While we can’t go back & make this hiatus have never happened, or hell, even go back and handle it better, we can explain how & why it happened. If we can’t fix it, we can be honest about it. Maybe we can even bring about a little awareness in the process.

Note: This post is almost entirely about the past year & a half. We will write a separate post covering what’s going on now & what’s next for ADoS. We don’t want to cram those things onto the end of this long post when those are the things worth getting excited about!

Now, to do this, I need to address you as Laura Henderson, the writer/producer/nearly everything on this show. Because the reasons behind the Unannounced Hiatus of Suffering pretty much all have to do with things that were going on in my life.

Hang with me - this is a long explanation.

Some content warnings before proceeding. This explanation includes anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, self-harm, mania, hypomania, dislocations, & doctors being shitty people who are bad at their jobs.

I made an announcement right before the hiatus, publicizing what was meant to be a small break in production while my household dealt with a clusterfuck of a moving process. What I didn’t mention was the fact that I was struggling with some worsening anxiety & depression issues as well.

As soon as we’d moved, when I was meant to be finishing episode six, three different things happened. 1) I got caught in one of the worst depression spirals of my life. Like, I hadn’t felt so terrible since middle school. I struggled with awful focus issues, self-harm, & suicidal ideation. 2) I got a promotion to sales lead at work. This sounds fancy, but it functionally means that I became the lowest tier of management at my store. With our staff numbers dropping post-Holidays, my hours ratcheted up to 35 hours a week. Plus school. Plus chronic illness. Plus mental health issues. Which all feeds into - 3) I wasn’t happy with the draft of episode 6. I needed that script to do five different vital things, & at the time, it did maybe two of them. I recorded that draft, but ended up deleting it out of frustration at what it didn’t set up for later plot. With everything else going on, it was easiest just to… put it down.

Spring came & my depression receded, although my focus issues increased. This was just in time for me to dislocate my knee pretty majorly. With EDS (an illness I share with Adira), dislocations are pretty commonplace. But most of them are small, slide back in nearly immediately with little to no intervention, & do very little damage to the tissue surrounding the joints. Others are major, where the joint slides farther out of place than usual & stays out of socket until manipulated back into place, doing a fair bit of damage to the surrounding tissues. This was definitely the latter. I was in pain for weeks, & all my spoons were spent trying to get through my shifts at work.

The knee eventually healed. My first night out dancing after it healed, some asshole stepped on my ankle & dislocated it. Not my foot, mind you - my ankle. (I am still very salty about it.) Wash, rinse, repeat from above.

Then things really started to go to hell.

In late June, I started seeing a psychiatrist for my focus issues. My dad has ADHD, & we’d begun to wonder if I may have inherited. The psychiatrist, understandably, chose to start by treating my depression and anxiety instead. She also indicated that she suspected I may have a bipolar disorder. She prescribed me Zoloft, & told me I should call her immediately if I started experiencing suicidal ideation or mania.

Lucky me, I got both.

By week two, I was drifting into a mixed affective state, where I’d be slightly uncomfortably energetic but also a bit depressed. By week four, I was on a little carnival rollercoaster. I was energetic, anxious, depressed, & had a very small voice in my head suggesting awful but non-fatal things I should do to myself. By week six, I was riding a Six Flags thrills rollercoaster, with celestial highs & infernal lows. I felt like I was going to vibrate out of my skin, I went from aggressive cheer to rage at minor provocations, and the voice in my head was nearly indistinguishable from my regular thoughts, telling me all the different ways I could & should kill my self. I was manic. I would have been suicidal if my friends hadn't been acting as voices of reason. I called my psychiatrist in tears & left a message with her receptionist. She never called me back. I stopped taking the pills.

Needless to say, I found a new psychiatrist, an awesome guy who believes in evidence-based practice. We started experimenting to find a good balance of meds. We started with the assumption that there was a low but substantial probability that I had a bipolar disorder, but that it was more likely that Zoloft was responsible for most of the mania symptoms. As the milder medicines mostly failed to stabilize me, we adjusted the probabilities of bipolar upwards, eventually concluding with a diagnosis of bipolar 2.

While we were still in the early stages of medication experimentation, & I was mentally stable enough to sort of function & get a bit optimistic, my body decided it was its turn to be a melodramatic little bitch.

Everything started dislocating. Everything.

My knees, normally prone to minor dislocations around 4 times a week or so, started going out constantly. And then my hips got in on it. And then my ankles. And my ribs. And my shoulders. I went from using a cane, to using crutches, to using a rolling walker. I usually had more joints out than in.

I tried to work through all of this, but it was a nightmare. At one point, I was sitting in my walker at the cash wrap, twisted around to grab something from behind me, and both my hips popped out with an audible “snap.” I tearfully handed the guest what I’d been grabbing for them, then backed myself away from the register to cry for a moment.

Right at the end of October, I asked for a medical leave of absence from my job, with the intention of seeing my rheumatologist to update her on the situation and see what could be done.

When I went to see her, I had a list of ten things that needed to be accomplished. I managed none of them.

When she arrived in the little room, I started explaining what had been going on with my joints for the past two months. She cut me off.

“I can’t help you with that,” she said impatiently. “I can’t help you.”

She went on to add, “But I see you’ve been losing weight - that’s excellent.” (I’d been in too much pain to eat.) “And I’m glad that you went dancing,” (referring to the ankle dislocation from June that had been giving me so much trouble since). “You should exercise as much as possible.” (Ignoring that I’d been trying to tell her I could barely move.)

At this point, I was very teary. My joint doctor was telling me that she could not help me with my joint condition.

“You should look into being treated for depression. You seem very upset.”

To say I left her office devastated is a bit of an understatement. I sobbed in my car in the parking lot for twenty minutes.

I called my auxiliary brain, my most rational, anti-suicide friend.

“Please, come keep me company. Make sure that I don’t do anything stupid,” I pleaded.

He had some errands to run, but I sat in the car with him. On the interstate, I had to fight the urge to open the car door and throw myself into traffic.

But he got me through that awful day. The next month and a half was a long, drawn-out depression swing.

At the beginning of December, my manager called me.

“Are you coming back?” she asked.

“I - I don’t think I can,” I admitted.

“I’ll consider this your notice, effective immediately,” she said. “Get better, Laura.”

Things slowly got better. My body calmed down. One of my psych meds was able to pull double-duty as a joint pain medication. I could walk again, even if I wasn’t quite comfortable dancing. I became happier, and if I was hypomanic or in a mixed affective state more so than even-keeled, it was better than being manic or depressed.

I withdrew from my college program, and applied to an online program. While the new program was not my beloved data science, combining information technology with mathematics was close enough.

I was accepted too late to start spring classes.

In early February, I managed to find a new rheumatologist, after calling four offices who explicitly said they weren’t comfortable treating me. She didn’t do terribly much for me, but she explained what she was going to watch for. She referred me to an orthopedist.

By this point, I was thoroughly bored of sitting around the house. I re-applied at my old work place, and was welcomed back with great enthusiasm.

Then my psychiatrist cancelled an appointment. It was nearly impossible to get ahold of his office to reschedule over the phone. Every time I went in person to reschedule, there was no one at the desk. I started rationing my medication, and then I ran out. Things, rather predictably, went pear-shaped.

A few weeks ago, summer classes started for me. I finally got back on medication. My work place started a big hiring push, which reduced my hours to my betterment.

After all that shit, I’ve finally begun to feel like a person again. It was rough and it tested me in ways I hadn’t been tested before. It made social media seem like an overwhelming prospect. I couldn’t manage a huge undertaking like my beloved podcast. But now....

Audio Diary of a Superhero never once left my mind, and now I’m ready to get it up and running again, better than ever before. I’m healthier, happier, and very motivated.

I’m not going to talk about what comes next in this post. But it’s coming. Look out.

#audio diary of superhero

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