#y'all i get so scared so often and i don't like need validation or reassurance or that shit like i'm fine

[elytrafemme]

this is anonymous because im too embarrassed to say it but but !! i just wanted to. thank you? i suppose? Cough Syrup (especially ranboo and tubbo) has made me realize many things about my mental health that I could never have started healing from otherwise. I cannot stress enough how much that fanfic has changed my life for the better, even if I still have plenty of struggles I can't fix without professional help. I also want to thank you for (and please ignore this bit if you find it uncomfortable) talking about your own mental health so openly. Your posts make me feel very human, sort of like I'm not the only person whos brain works like this and thats okay!! you know? idk, youve just helped me a lot :] - ☄

hi hi! this is so so sweet thank you so much :(( the love towards cough syrup means the world to me especially since its on a (temporary!!!) hiatus and everything; it's just. it's really really kind when people say that they still like it 2 me and it's also so so lovely to hear it's helped out? bc that's one of the main reasons i started writing it, which then became the main reason: i wanted to comfort people, i wanted to help them through things, i was sick of reading about media with psychotic characters where happy endings didnt exist. i wanted to show the quadruple edged sword that is addiction & that you can heal . & that healing is complicated and messy. and a lot of other stuff. i'm seriously so so happy it could help you make realizations bc it helped me realize a ton of stuff too, like i think about some people's comments on the fic still bc those comments made me introspect and realize oh shit me too. you know?

i'm glad on the second half, too :') i think every person has to walk the line of transparency advocacy and privacy, where you want to be trasparent and honest to those you love, u want to use ur experiences to advocate for the better, and you want to hide the vulnerable parts of urself. thats how i feel talking about my mental health. if i could i wouldn't talk about it as much, but this space is for my own healing and i know that some stuff does resonate with people.

it's good to hear that it helps, though, especially coming from a CS reader, because i worry all the fucking time about hopeful readers coming here expecting an update and just ending up with some 17 year old having a meltdown.

i think part of why i do talk about it though, on the days where it's more intentional rather than just an expulsion of all this ugly shit buried in my chest, is because i'm getting through it. i'm going through it but i'm getting through it. i want to post about the days where i look and see the sun and feel this deep sense of happiness over myself, i want to talk about how the person im in love with makes me feel like im a person again. i also talk about the days where i feel trapped by my own trauma and how my emotions are rapidly in flux to the point its difficult to even know who i am. bc that loops back to the first point, too. with every horrible horrible day there's a really really good one and good days, fuck dude. good days are so worth living for.

this ask means a lot to me and im sorry for rambling so much haha. im really really happy CS + my posts can help . and i'm glad they both make u human bc i dont feel human a lot of the time. but if my lack of humanity can make another person feel human then well, i guess i'm human.

it's really not that awful of a thing to be, either :')

much love anon <3

#nightmare.ask #nightmare.fave #sorry i have. many complex thoughts about openness and mental health and CS #the fact that ppl still like the fic keeps me going honestly #y'all i get so scared so often and i don't like need validation or reassurance or that shit like i'm fine #just objectively . it's been a while. i'm pretty much out of the fandom so im just in it for the characters #and i've changed a lot since it started. #but i guess we all have and i guess a lot of us still can appreciate a story about recovery and love and healing #it's not perfect there's a lot about CS i wish i wrote differently #i wish i talked about addiction in a more accurate way from the getgo i wish i characterized so many ppl better #but at the end of the day i like to think ppl come back to a few scenes sometimes #to feel again. bc that's why i wrote it #at the very beginning it was just to feel again