#wrote it out in a poem because the words wouldn't go anywhere when i just tried to brain dump about it because Of Course They Did. because i

[nothingmuchjustformybabu]

03.21.22

To the sunshine of my life,

I desperately want to write a love letter on my finest parchment, then tuck it into a hand folded envelope and fill it with pressed flowers. I want to seal it with wax and give it to you in secret, and watch you melt as you read what I’ve written for you. I badly want to make you feel my love as you open it. But for now, please settle with this virtual love letter.

Now, are you wondering why all of a sudden I wrote one for you out of nowhere? Well, it’s because I am missing you. You’re probably asleep now and dreaming of someone which I thought was me. But no, me writing a love letter to you is not just for an important occasion like our anniversary, monthsary, or even your birthday but as well as on normal days. Because even though it's just a typical day, I still love you wholeheartedly. Just how many different ways can I say I miss you? The beach is soulless without you. Yes, the sun still shines, but your radiance subdues without the reflection of your skin, and the sand dull without the weight of your body. Whatever happens, life goes on. But it is more beautiful with you in it. I remember back then you told me that staying is really hard. But will you ever stay anywhere for long? Because I think really, all cities are pale in comparison to you. The world is often ugly. But you, you are poetry. Like Mary Oliver wrote, the light of the world in the light of the world. You are exactly the poem I wanted to write. Yet, the greatest poet in the world could not write a single line more beautiful than you are. And who am I to try? As cheesy as it may sound, you, my love, is the fond object of my affection and my desire. You and you alone are the keeper of the key to my heart.

While you are still asleep, let me relive our memories. That way, I can feel that you are here with me. Ever since, I could remember my life has revolved around my studies and K-Pop. I never thought for a second that something, or someone would ever become just as or even more important. That was until I came across you. You started off as a lingering thought I couldn’t quite shake, then you quickly began to haunt my very existence. If you’d ask me, I still remember our first encounter detailedly like it was this morning. That’s odd because I don’t remember what the weather was like or what I was wearing yesterday. I can’t remember a lot of things and events but I can’t quite get over the first time we met. I can’t brush off the feelings you gave me or forget the sound of your voice. I can’t let go of the way you called my name for the first time or erase the picture of you smiling at me when I said hello on our first video call. I can’t ignore the sound of your voice replaying over and over again in my head or throwing away the words you said to me. It’s like the only thing I have left is my biased memory. My love, I really can’t wait to meet you. When I think of you, I think of us; our future. I have these thoughts with me, buying picture frames waiting to be filled and I'm willing to make space on my shelf for your books, merch, and funkos. We'll have breakfast together every morning and dance in our kitchen. I'll take you to all of my favorite places, and you’ll take me to yours. My body aches for your touch, but my heart and soul ache for your presence as well. I can only imagine that it must be what Heaven is like, because it is pure bliss. I wouldn't trade it for anything, or anyone. I will be meant for you, and you will be meant for me. I can't wait to meet you.

I will give of myself fully to you for all of eternity, whenever, wherever we can. Each small moment is a new beginning for me, and my heart seems to find many more new emotions of want, need, desire, friendship, companionship, and a deeper love than has ever been felt or spoken of by anyone, but you. I often wonder if ever in time were there any other two people who have shared such a perfect example of how love was meant to be enjoyed. Yet so many have not been as fortunate to discover, if they ever do at all. For I wouldn't trade places with anybody else in any part of the world right now.

I am most fortunate to have been so blessed with having found you and discovered what a beautiful, most precious human. Honestly, you have surpassed my expectations of what love has to offer this world, and you have shown me, and continue to show me new and more wonderful things about you and within you, I find all the more reason to keep falling more and more in love with you, in spirit, in mind and in heart and soul. I do not wish to ever share any part of myself with any other person for the rest of my time on this earth. I only want to love you, and will cherish each and every moment you are able to give, and I will hold these dear to my heart and take them with me to my grave. You have already given me the greatest gifts of all, and you do not even know it. You are all I will ever want, desire, and need for my life’s fulfillment. And though the miles may separate us, and time itself cannot give to us every second it has to offer, please know that I will always have this love for you and it is reserved for you and your touch only, and if I have to wait another 19 years to have my hearts desire, to have it is enough in itself, and it is a wait that I am willing to endure now and forever if need be.

You ignite a fire within me that I have never known and your written words stir such a whirlwind of emotion inside of me that I am nearly driven mad by my desire for you.

The amount of times you've unknowingly saved me on nights where I thought no one loved me and all I had to do was look at our texts to remember what you told me. The times when I was crying and I imagined you with me and holding me and whispering that it was alright and suddenly the tears slowed. The days where I'm so lonely and I feel like there's no point, and I look at pictures of you and I remember there is a point, and the point is to show you as much love as I can. All the times when you've saved me from hurting myself by simply existing. Such a beautiful thing. These are my favorite memories, and all are with you. This letter takes me far back, back to our tree, to our youth. When a girl of 16 wanted so much to tell you she was in love with you, but didn't really know how. For the past years you have haunted me. Those feelings you stirred within me have never left me. I cannot imagine the emptiness I would have, had I not met you. You are more desirable every time I see you again. Whatever spell you have put on me, please, never let me wake up. You are it for me, and you do for me, as no one else has ever been able to do. Yours always,

JM

[amatchforyourmadness]

Summary: If love was easy, Finn wouldn't have slept with Clarke five days into meeting her and Emori wouldn't be turned on by him only when he was recklessly putting his life on the line. Raven wasn't easy either, to her credit and his frustration, but she was comforting enough.

——

Chapter: 1/20.

Chapter Title: Abditory (read on AO3)

Abditory

(n.) a place into which you can disappear, a hiding place

He wasn't a fan of books, really, and he certainly wasn't a fan of dictionaries, but that one seemed interesting enough. 

Mostly because he was bored.

Echo and Bellamy were using the one room with a proper television for date night and all other books (exactly 6 of them) were either taken (Harper and that romance about the rich douche and the witty girl who lowers his standards), too complicated for him (some advanced chemistry shit that even Monty hadn't dared touch) or too complicated and taken (Raven and all the mechanic-related things about the ship and Monty once more with the guide to the synthetic crops of the ring).

He had hoped to use it on Emori; romantic words and poems were worth a shot to try and fuel that relationship as long as he could get it to last (probably not much) and he was always the closeted romantic. Nevertheless, the poetry book he could swear had been on the stand on the first day they had arrived in the Ring had disappeared, and Harper had swore she had not took it or seen it (and obviously he wasn’t about to go around asking people for a poetry book that he had probably made up). Three weeks in, he had become fascinated with the various words of seemingly different origins and all their meanings. In the ring, bored and restricted as they were, with most people getting the fun things first no one really missed a dictionary, so Murphy kept it without ever talking about it out loud.

So now he was in his abditory… And by that he meant Raven's lab, observing as she read lines of codes with blueprints displayed in every other screen, trying to link one thing to the other with such a concentrated expression she might as well have forgotten the rest of the universe existed. The frown to her brows, tho, was not good news and it did little to see such as faint hints of frustration and despair worked their way into her features, leaving Raven ever more tense and making her look ever more tired. Maybe he ought to ask, maybe he ought to offer his assistance, to try to help, but he has the nagging feeling he will be undoubtedly useless and that she would not very much like to answer him, anyways. Instead, he knocked softly against the doorframe he had been leaning. Her dark eyes rose to him, less surprised than curious about the visitor only for her to smile tiredly at the sight of him and return her gaze to her work.

“You do know this is my work area, not your hangout spot, right?"

“Yeah, but you're my hangout person and you won't ever leave this place so….”

She grunts something similar to a “touché” and he takes it as permission to stay (not that he needed anyways), making his way to behind her so he could watch over her shoulder whatever it was she was working in. It was worse than greek, and he had never even seen how greeks wrote back in the day.

He bet Bellamy knew though, the absolute nerd.

“How're you doing today, John?”

“Well enough.” He shrugs, snickering as he looked for somewhere to lean into. “Ate Monty's algae and didn't get comatosed. I appreciate the small things. You?”

“Trying to figure this ship out but what else is new?” Raven says, hand rested against her waist as she sighs heavily. “I hate to say it, but I miss ALIE sometimes.The bitch made everything easier, killing me or not.”

He grimaces at that, turning to her with disapproval all but irradiating from him like Clarke and Bellamy were prone to do.

“I'm biased, but I would put my life in Raven's hand a thousand times and in the lunatic AI who bombed Earth, hmmm, let me see… zero. Give yourself some credit, Reyes, you survived the end of the world. This is but a machine.”

“Did you honestly just reference Monty Phyton?”

“Yes. Go on, praise me, I'm many things but an uncultured swine isn't one of them. Hey, do you think that's where our Monty got his name from?”

“I sincerely doubt it.”

The good humour hangs on the air for a moment or two, before she's back at her work and John is back at being a living carpet, eyes closed and listening to the sounds Raven makes, reassuring him she's there still and still very willing to pay him company.

In a comfortable silence like that, all he had were his thoughts. And his thoughts were that abditory was a weird fucking world, but it has a nice meaning. But above all of this, he wonders how does one pinpoints their own when they have more options to them than the handful of rooms in a spaceship floating about space ( yes, he knows they're drifting, Raven, but he'll use the word he wants).

How did the lucky few who survived on the bunker below them found an abditory? Was there even a peaceful place for them to find in there? Had the ground ever had a peaceful place anywhere on it? Had space?

He frowns and cracks one of his eyes open at the curse Raven lets out from above him, pushing the papers and the screens away and taking her hands to her face and hair as she tried to work out her frustration.

There are a couple of realisations that hit him at once.

“Hey.” John offers, nudging her foot with his gently, until she glances downwards to him with that tired but endeared expression, actually taking a break from her work to hear him out. “You'll figure this out. You always do.”

Nowhere was peaceful. People made it peaceful, as much as they could manage.

She smiles, letting her head fall and shaking it lightly with a chuckle. He watches as she takes in a deep breath, nods to herself a couple of times and then at him once. She moves, braced leg and slight winces of pain, and bushes his foot back.

There was no natural abditory, no hole to hide on that a person could conveniently stumble on and settle for. People made their own abditory.

“Thank you, Murphy.”

And he quite liked his.

#the 100 #cw the 100 #ao3 the 100 #john Murphy #Raven Reyes #murven #season 4 #season 5 #PRODUCTIVITY WEEK BEACH