#when my dad died 2 months ago he didnt even cry or show any emotion

[figureinthedistance]

read more bc even more long + self indulgent than my usual stuff

ive been thinking abt my relationship w/ like.... crying recently like as in w/in the past maybe week. i cry so easily tht i just feel like tears dont carry any consistent meaning it can mean so many different things. 

1) last week my dads abusive mother died + i didnt cry i wasnt sad @ all. id sort of figured shed be dying soon + i was so scared id end up crying bc i kno i cry easily + that death makes me cry even if i dont kno the person who died that well. but i didnt cry + i still havent even when i talked to my dad on the phone + cld tell he’d been crying. im so fucking glad. she was so evil i hated her so much but i was still scared id end up crying. especially bc in her later years she was vulnerable + isolated + in a lot of pain. 

2) speaking of, my brothers ex girlfriend who im still on friendly terms w. her childhood best friend committed suicide last weekend + i was crying but i was sort of aware that i was crying exclusively for my brothers ex gf, not for the woman who died. who i knew, who i had met + liked! but i wasnt grieving i was jst heartbroken bc i knew the ex was jst going to feel so so guilty abt it-- she’d been like sort of the woman’s only friend + had moved abroad a few months ago. i felt bad + like, like i was insulting the woman who had died that i was so concerned w/ how her death affected others when her death was abt her, it wasnt supposed to be abt its impact. it was abt her! 

the next 2 Things are less serious

3) the national album made me cry, especially not in kansas.mp3, but also quiet light + a good few other songs. i genuinely dont understand why the nationals lyrics have gotten under my skin as much as they have. idk anyone who is so affected by them. + so much of them i cant relate to!! there are songs i can relate to e.g. rylan but many i cant + i still jst cry. the crying + my general reaction to their music feels like it comes from being overwhelmed. i guess its like the general desperate repressed claustrophobic atmosphere of his music. 

4) i went to see the glass menagerie + it was so fucking good (marty rea was in it + i love him a lot i think hes rlly good). id never seen it before but i was expecting to cry. its my fav tennessee williams play + i love laura so much. this girl i was ‘’’in love’’’’ w/ when i was a teenager made me a tshirt tht says ‘tennessee williams loves me’ on it bc id said that semi-jokingly bc laura is written so tenderly + lovingly + its clear how much love williams had for the sister she was based on + i relate so much to her. i teared up when she was showing jim her glass animals, + started properly crying when she said she was nervous she’d step on his feet + he said sth like ‘dont worry, i wont break’ (after her talking abt how fragile her glass animals were) + then when they were actually dancing i like had to like hold myself back from like sobbing. i mean not that theres any doubt over tennessee williams talent but like on a personal level this rlly showed how important + impactful i found his work bc like even tho i cry easily its usually over pretty Big things things that are obviously very sad or obviously very scary. this scene was so subtle but it still hit me so so hard. 

5) in therapy my therapist identified my inability to explain why i cry whenever we talk abt anything from my childhood even seemingly innocuous stuff, + i think its in part bc in some ways ive stopped myself from processing or feeling emotions abt my childhood @ all ever + never talk abt it w/ anyone (one of my worst habits is tht i often will lie abt my childhood even in relation to pretty basic facts jst bc i bristle @ the idea of sharing anything real w/ anyone) so when ive talked abt it openly + in depth in therapy even again if we’re talking abt an aspect of it which isnt that significant i will like instantly almost instinctively start crying. 

[soonkyu]

92 Statements Tag:

Tagged by: @jeonghaning

The Last:

1. Drink - Water

2. Phone call - Dad

3. Text message - It was a pic lol

4. Song you listened to - Shepherds Hey

5. Time you cried - Watching fucking bones because im emotional like that

Have You Ever:

6. Dated someone twice - nope

7. Kissed someone and regretted it - nope

8. Been cheated on - no

9. Lost someone special - yes

10. Been depressed - I feel like it was temporary

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up - nope

List 3 Favorite Colors: pink, light blues, white i guess lmao

In The Last Year Have You:

15. Made new friends - yes

16. Fallen out of love - nope

17. Laughed until you cried -  yes i think everything is funny lol

18. Found out someone was talking about you - they better not have

19. Met someone who changed you - hmm not really

20. Found out who your friends are - yea

21. Kissed someone on your facebook list - no

General:

22. How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: i dont even use my fb anymore but all of them

23. Do you have any pets: no im not responsible lol

24. Do you want to change your name: my name is spelled differently so no i like it the way it is

25. What did you do for your last birthday: my family and i went to this place that was like a korean bbq house except it was a chinese restaurant and this person cooked our food in front of us. I skipped band rehearsal that day too which was fucking lit lmao

26. What time did you wake up:11 am - 12 pm

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Folding the clothes lmao

28. Name something you can’t wait for: The next time i eat sashimi

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: maybe 15 min ago sleeping on the couch lmao

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: weigh less lmao i’ve been running… i just need to cut down on the food rip

31. What are you listening to right now: nothing

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: tom knott he was this British kid in my 8th grade class lol

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: WHEN PEOPLE DONT CLOSE THE DOOR

34. Most visited website: youtube. tumblr. kshowonline for knowing brothers lmao

38. Hair color: black

39. Long or short hair: short

40. Do you have a crush on someone: not at the moment im chillin

41. What do you like about yourself: im pretty funny sometimes

42. Piercings: im a pussy i prolly wont ever get one but they’re attractive on most people

43. Blood type: O

44. Nickname: None

45. Relationship status: single

46. Zodiac: Virgo

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favorite tv show: BONES im gonna keep promoting it for the rest of my life lmao

49. Tattoos: i want a small one but that wont happen for a while

50. Right or left handed: left handed

51. Surgery: almost but i was good so it wasnt necessary

52. Piercings: ???

53. Sport: I really liked basketball and lacrosse but i never played in school. just in gym but i was pretty good imo

55. Vacation: i wanna visit my family in the philippines with 1-2 of my other friends

56. Pairs on trainers: what

More General:

57. Eating - ???

58. Drinking - ???

59. I’m about to -reply to some snaps i guess lol

61. Waiting for - the perfect time to sleep

62. Want - what i want is sashimi

63. Get married - cute concept sure

64. Career - marketing or advertising… idk yet im real lazy i still dont have my life together yet lol

65. Hugs or kisses - kisses. hands. cheeks. wherever

66. Lips or eyes - both

67. Shorter or taller - i wish i was taller

68. Older or younger - im gonna guess this is if i want someone older/younger?? older.

70. Nice arms or nice stomach - stomach. its hard to get a nice stomach b

71. Sensitive or loud - what

72. Troublemaker or hesitant - hesitant cuz im the troublemaker lmao

Have you ever:

74. Kissed a stranger: no

75. Drank hard liquor: yes

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: yes i didnt have glasses for 6 months one time and another time i lost it for 3 months.

77. Turned someone down: no

78. Sex on the first date: no!! im a child lmao

79. Broken someone’s heart: maybe hurt someone’s feelings

80. Had your heart broken: yes

81. Been arrested: no

82. Cried when someone died: at a funeral i almost cried because everyone else was crying

83. Fallen for a friend: i always befriend the person i like to get closer to them lmao

Do You Believe In:

84. Yourself: mm

85. Miracles: yea they happen

86. Love at first sight: yes

87. Santa claus: no

88. Kiss on the first date: on the cheek is fine but lips… save that for the second date if it happens lol

89. Angels: lee soonkyu exists so yea

Other:

90. Current best friend’s name:  lara aka my sister :))

91. Eye color: brown/very very dark brown

92. Favorite movie: either old boy or wall-e. i know its two different types but they’re the ones i can think of rn lol

im not tagging anyone cuz this is highkey LONG but thank you :))

#meeeee #holy fuckkkkk

[jesskuhmac]

2017 Return

I am returning to tumblr. It is, in a way, my “secret blog.” My outlet of creativity and somewhere I will not fear judgement from those that know me. HERE IS THE BIG REVEAL!

My life was already seemingly ..we will say “rough.” With my type 1 Diabetes, my j-pouch from my colon removal. Now, in my return, you wont believe where my life ended up.

I was in what I thought to be..“A fairytale romance.” But, things went off the deep end. Well that man and I, ended up in an i.v heroin addiction. At one point he was sent back to California , because his parents were only here for a few years to handle their business that is located close to where I live. They had returned to Cali and Robert had stayed living with my family and I. So eventually, my family found my syringes.. Bobby wasn’t able to hold a job. Not from just the drugs..but also some mental demons he was fighting that I just always hoped were not existent, but now I 100% believe that he really did inherit his biological fathers schizophrenia and depression, and more.. I’m sure. So we had to drop him off at the airport and said goodbye. SO.. the few weeks leading up to his departure, I wouldn’t stop crying… I told him I knew that we would never see eachother again. I felt that he did not have the determination among other things to get a job and work to support himself all while saving money to move back to PA with me. I eventually ended up being kicked out. I never thought my parents would do that, because I had so many serious health issues. But they had no choice, and I understand that now…finally. I also forgot to mention that now, I had my j-pouch removed. I had my whole large intestine and fake colon removed, and now have a permanent ileostomy. It really ruined my confidence and added undeniable anxiety to my life. So anyways, I starved. I lived with my friend that grew up next door. Her mother was in and out of jail, and was an addict herself. She allowed partying and actually used with us. My addiction got worse. Some days I just wished for death. I was letting my non-licensed drug dealer keep my car in exchange for drugs. I was lying to everyone about being clean. At one point, I received a message from a woman that I learned to be Bobby’s secret girlfriend. Well .. don’t ever say things can’t get any worse…because they sure as hell can. SO ..eventually I came home, after somehow faking my sobriety. I just got better at hiding it and manipulating. I got a job with a family member in an office. Bobby dumped the other woman and claimed that he did it because I was not loving him, and I was distant because of my addiction. Which was fucked up because, he was the one to shove needles in my arm until I mustered up the guts to hit my veins myself. Of course, there are many details and happenings I am missing and do not want to type out. The short version of my story is..long enough. One day, I decided I was ready to stop. I asked my mother if I could tag along on Sunday morning to go visit my grandmother at a nursing home to take the opportunity to talk. My dad had anger issues and is a large intimidating man. He was never one to be sweet and talk about feelings. He showed emotions in anger and loud yelling and cursing and saying stupid far fetched things..but he eventually changed..but that will be talked about later.. So my mom took it well. The next day was a Monday..I woke up dope sick, went to get money, and shot up. When my dealer drove up, I told him he wouldn’t be hearing from me. That I was going away. So I ended up loading myself up for the long drive and annoying admission process that would be just torture to do in withdrawal. Which was always worse for me..due to my diabetes and ileostomy. My sugars would spike to critically high numbers, and my shit bag turned into a..water bag. Yes, that meant that instead of the bit of intestine that is sewn outside of my stomach having normal stool..literally clear water would pour out like a faucet. What a mess. How embarrassing. Even though I hid it..the sounds and the nurses and doctors seeing it was enough mixed with my already embarrassing drug habit..I bet they thought..“Why would she use knowing she has so many diseases already?” But the pain from the ostomy and my diabetes, my traumatizing experiences from being so sick from age 11 and having a lot of other messed up scenarios at school and with bad doctors and terrifying hospital experiences is what led to my addiction. Well that and the opiates that I was on after surgery mixed together.. So I am wrapping it up by saying..That stay in rehab was scary. But once I got used to it, I got serious. I was also one of the most beautiful girls there. And trust me..I am not cocky enough to just say that myself. Some people joked by saying they thpught I worked there. I sure didnt look the part. People were so sad to hear about my medical issues..they all said it was such a tradgedy. I guess I agree. So that ONE rehab stay, was my last. Usually the statistics say that one to three people within the whole rehab would stay clean after leaving. I stayed in touch with most of the people and sadly, thats true..Most had relapsed or died. So when I got home, my dad was so loving and …different. He kissed my cheek and said how glad he was to see me. He was excited to walk me to my room and show me the smart t.v he bought me because I had sold my old t.v for drugs..of course. Oh and..I forgot to say..My father worked night shift. So my mother and I decided to not tell him when i decided to leave again to avoid fighting and violence in the house ..we had no idea how long it was going to take to get a bed available in rehab. He was asleep while I packed and my mother came home and we quickly carried my luggage out and left without him waking up. I dont know how he didn’t because ever since he found out I was an addict..he never slept soundly and would wake up every time he heard a noise or the doors beeped from our alarm when opening them. So luckily I had warned my uncle before I left that I was going and he said the job would be waiting when I was home. I am so blessed. Today I am 1 year and 3 months clean. I am living and breathing the narcotics anonymous program. I have a sponsor, a homegroup, and am in service in many ways. I have a family of women that I can count on. My family is so happy and in peace and harmony. My father came out of the mess a very sensitive, loving and affectionate man..which is so surprising. I guess there are a few things that turned out for the better other than just me being happy and in recovery. I have a close relationship with God and I no longer believe in religion. I believe in spirituality and a relationship with a higher power. I held my part time job. I still struggle medically, but am working on it. We actually ended up getting a puppy french bulldog shortly after I came back home. I have pride again. Can save money and pay my bills. My family and employer trust me with money and credit cards, and constantly praise me for how beautiful of a person I have become. I inspire others..whether it be because of my medical battles, my addiction or many other things I have been through. Unfortunately I had to cut ties with the friend next door due to her inability to stay sober. This disease is an apidemic. But if I could do it with all of my missing and failed organs, and mental diseases, so can anyone else. Oh and of course not to my surprise, that boyfriend never came back. He broke my heart just about 2 or 3 months ago but..I will love again and it will be perhaps better than that. Even though I was REALLLLLY attracted to him, and he was by my hospital bedside, and said things no other guys ever rarely do..I guess the truth is..that nothing he says can make up for literally shoving drugs into me and not realizing if he loved me, he would have known my diseases made using drugs an even bigger risk that it is for others.

Again, theres a lot left out..both good and bad things. Some that would bring tears upon even the most stubborn, hard-asses. But for now, I’ll leave it at this.