#what if someone sees and condemns. like yeah that's borderline paranoia on my part but man.

[autistic-shaiapouf]

So very funny that I wasn't raised religious but still have a weird puritanical knee jerk response to sexuality or sexual expression

#it makes me feel like a puritan ngl... probably bc i had no education w/ it + it was perceived as bad lmao #there was never an ''appropriate'' time for it so that's the only word in my mind and it feels kinda weird #to be in my 20s and think like. no i cannot look at this phallic image that's very wrong of me to see it #i dont like be so uncomfortable about it? like yeah squicks exist i am aware but on a general level? #i feel so consistently surprised that Sex Real and my friends not only know that but some actively participate #it feels. well it feels like my own personal issue but it's just. kind of me realizing how my upbringing continues to screw me over #i think it's also that i was so heavily monitored while growing up and it's also like. i cannot seek this out for exposure therapy bc. #what if someone sees and condemns. like yeah that's borderline paranoia on my part but man. #cannot see someone seriously mention sucking dick without feeling like a pearl clutcher. #i mean. i also dont feel like anyone's face should be there like i think that's where i would apply the term squick djhfdb #but AUGH especially BECAUSE there's all the new age puritanical bullshit and it's like!! I'm not with you!! i have my own demons!! #the asexuality adds another layer to all this but i have gone on for long enough in these tags 😑 #shai speaks