#very very tired of listening to comics discuss 'cancel culture' like it's gay rights in qatar | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

twiststreet · 7 years

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Anonymous Comics Question

Long day at work, and just sitting here staring at a “How Can I Retire Right Away” spreadsheet I made. According to my spreadsheet, I can retire in 5 years, provided that someone give me a small house 7.5 miles from where I work. Any small house will do, provided it has bay windows and an adequate sex swing in the mud room-- any small house that befits a man of my stature. Anyways, comics! Let’s do the answer a question about comics thing...

I haven’t been paying attention this week. Was there an implosion?? Let me take a look at the news...

(At the outset, i take implosion to mean something very specific--namely, massive and unexpected cancellations of titles, and scaling back of lines. There was an implosion of titles famously in the 70′s, when Marvel and DC, you can go find ads or editorial talk-em-ups of books they had planned, but got cancelled.)(The stuff right before implosions, that’s usually a nice sweet spot if you’re digging through back issue boxes or torrents, especially in the 70′s one. A lot of gems there-- the first Rich Buckler Deathlok, Mike Sekowsky’s entire career-- super-underrated, that guy, etc.)

Anyways, googling marvel cancellations, the #2 thing is a March 13, 2017 article that... something called Mosaic is getting cancelled...? There was a comic called Mosaic? “The Brand Corporation has made its move-- now what will Mosaic do?” ... that’s the plot of Tim Robbins’s The Cradle Will Rock! (Terrible movie...). Marvel’s got a superhero named Mosaic now...? What kind of SJW Tumblr nightmares were they trying to sell to there...? Comics are all trash people for years and then they get like a month of good news articles, and suddenly everybody’s Dead Mike from CB4... Fucking funny...

Oh this is funny timing. Look at this-- the Outhousers is saying... Marvel VP of Sales: “What we heard was that people didn’t want any more diversity. They didn’t want female characters out there.” Oooops.

Annnnnd WHOOOOOSH back to the cornfield, women and minorities.

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I don’t know-- I thought Black Panther sold...? But all I know about comic sales is whatever Brian Hibbs puts out and maybe stuff’s different elsewhere. Beats me. All the guys at my local shop, Kill Whitey Comics Emporium, they all vouch for it. But I don’t really know what else has been going on-- just this vague sense that a couple things sold, Ms. Marvel or whatever, and that after that happened, everyone got all like “ACTUALLY, I WAS ON YOUR SIDE THE WHOLE TIME, MINORITIES” ala Pig Vomit and then suddenly like you’d be reading about the Hulk, and then Hulk would slowly turn to camera and be like “actually, the thing that makes me angriest is when white people like Jackie Chan too much. Quit appropriating Jackie Chan Culture, whitey” and there’s an editorial next to it from Axel Alonso about how he’s “technically Korean” and Korea’s close enough to China to make that a very special issue for him, and also, Hulk’s not Bruce Banner anymore, he’s actually just 10 gay Armenian children stacked on top of each other wearing a raincoat, ala those Best Show quadruplets. So...

I can see how that wouldn’t have worked...? Especially now that Nazism is really back in fashion with white people. Bad timing, I guess.

(If I had to picture a mainstream comic person in my head, Marvel, Image, DC all those companies, I still just picture Pig Vomit from his last big scene in Private Parts, where he just shows up at the door after torturing Stern all movie, like “You’ve won! You’re going to need a friend on the inside, and I’m going to do everything I can.” That’s what it felt like when comics people started lecturing everyone around them on how they needed to be more woke, and how they just figured that out in their 40′s. Giamatti is so fucking magic in that role... If I have to picture an alternative cartoonist, I still just picture someone on a bus, wearing a bad hat, though...)

I don’t know. I mean, I just ... it’s just not my world right now. Last comic I read was a scanlation of a comic about 30 year old women frustrated with their romantic options, called Tokyo Terababe Musume. They only scanlated one chapter, but it’s one of those things where really middlebrow manga gets turned into a Japanese tv show. I watch some of that show Midnight Diner on Netflix and that’s the same thing-- some comic based on folks crying while a dude cooks them eggs at midnight? That sounds like my kinda thing, man, I don’t know. I fucking love having eggs really late at night.

Wow, listen to this-- Axel Alonso at some retailer summit: “I know I've spoken with people who let's just say wish they hadn't launched an Image book this year, with the way the money got sucked out of the market, and all the rest." Uhhh, wow. Money got sucked out of the market??? SUCKED OUT? Was it... was it like when Tom Cruise got sucked up into that thing at the end of War of the Worlds, and then he had to blow it up from the inside to save his kids? That part fucking ruled. I’m guessing it’s not like that...

That sounds bad...? Are Image books all eating shit now too? Huh. I mean, I don’t read anything right now but if I did, I imagine I’d ... stare at that section of the store diffidently, and then grab some things that’d end up turning to dust over in a little wicker basket I keep over next to my black Santa Claus figurine. Because that’s what’s been happening for a few years now...

I mean, look, there’s no fucking culture there. How do you sell cultural product to a vacuum-- what’s the point of a cultural product when there’s no culture? Movies and TV and games all have cultures around them; shitty ones sometimes but. Comics... nobody fucking cared about comics culture. And it doesn’t exist now. And then what the fuck do you expect to happen?

What else is going on... Peter David didn’t hire a good accountant, I guess? That sucks. Hope that works out for him. IDW’s doing stories about George Takei’s time in internment camps... and the internment camps were filled with zombies! That’d be a great twist. Give in, IDW. Go with it!

... and... goddamn, all of these articles are about fucking TV shows or movies. "Ken Watanabe in talks for Godzilla 2.” Thanks, Outhousers.

That’s helpful comics news... but can you blame them? The culture is dead. And I mean, Ken Watanabe’s not going to call in because fucking someone gave his movie three starts and not four, so.

OOooh, Paul Greengrass is attached to Torso though. God, I hope that movie happens someday, not even so I can see that movie finally, so much as so Bendis can just tell the story finally of what it was like to get that fucking movie made because there’s no way that story isn’t fucking amazing. That thing had a fucking greenlight with Fincher and an awesome cast before it got fucked... whatever happened must’ve been fucking crazy...

CBR has “15 indie comics that deserve the Netflix treatment.” Cool-- I just won’t read any of them, and wait for Netflix to make a fucking TV show, and in the meantime, watch a bunch of other shows on Netflix. Great.

Maybe Doom Patrol got cancelled... annnnd who gives a shit...

One of CBR’s big stories is about a 1979 Flash comic... which i mean, that’s the only article yet I’ve been kinda like “I want to read that one.” I still read about the comics, people’s blogs or ... I read Chad Nevett’s Thorsday Thoughts-- I don’t even read Thor comics, I just find that shit soothing for some reason. But like... the kinds of discussions I always got excited about, just fucking dead. I mean, I guess all that was a lifetime ago, I guess.

Haha Nick Spencer: “Real talk: It's disgraceful seeing a bunch of web sites badly taking someone's words out of context in search of clicks.” Rich Johnston calls that one perfectly: “If it's real talk then don't subtweet." That’s great. “REAL TALK: someone somewhere needs to something something. Realest talk!”

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ANYWAYS... what was your question???

I’d definitely like to be reading Deathstroke right now-- Christopher Priest’s one of my dudes, reliable fucking guy. And I guess I’d check out some Ennis stuff. Last DC comic I read any of was ... I read a few Martian Manhunter’s at Wait What’s advice? It was kinda a cute 2000AD thing but. But. That was years ago. After they started date raping girls at comic cons, I kinda lost the taste for DC comics...

So yeah: I’m not seeing anyone talk about an implosion. If you mean creatively, I don’t ...

I mean, I don’t know who the stars are anymore. Names just show up but it’s not like... I don’t know who they are. Or I have a vague idea who some people are, but they’re just mercenaries, right? And not, like, Voices...? The comic people and periods I care about, it’s because of people having voices. Any of those out there? Haven’t noticed. Don’t hear about them if there are! And you know, not looking for them at the moment, so wrong guy to ask... comics is always a “dig for gold” kinda thing, and I’m ... tired and you know, I got these Japanese videogames that suck up time fine if I need to suck up time. Those Danganronpa scamps aren’t just going to solve all their shit without me, so.

Anyways, here’s Marvels June 2017 solicitations... lets see what we got...

Some Nick Spencer crossover. Nick Spencer-- started with some interesting books-- I caught on there super-early, like that thing he did with Marley Zarcone. Tried to interview him after that Zarcone book-- sent him questions (shitty ones-- I’m bad at interviews), and then he ghosted on me, which I thought was a little impolite. Only time I hear about him now, it’s that he’s being some kinda moron online. He’s Marvel’s big name now though besides Bendis, right...?

Al Ewing’s on US Avengers. His stuff’s okay-- Wait What guys are definitely fans, and I like those guys, so. I was rude to him once online, but he was nice about it.

I don’t recognize any of these titles and all of them are crossover tie-ins...

Huh, Niko Henrichon is drawing Doctor Strange. That’s probably something to look at. Dennis Hopeless-- I think he writes that Spidergirl comic I read sometimes-- works with good artists, anyways... I mean, that’s the whole job as a comic writer-- just working with the good ones...? Everything else is kinda bullshit, at least with how I used to buy comics. You got an artist, you’re in business; you don’t, good luck. It’s weird there are people who go another way on that... It’s the easiest way to have a good time with the things...

All Cross-over tie-ins! Holy shit, what is even going on here...??

Bendis gets to make money on the Defenders netflix show, I guess. He’s got a new series there. He’ll put in the work, though. You know? His comics turn out how they turn out, which is... sometimes unfortunate, but that guy puts in the work. Hard not to admire that. On the other hand, Bendis on Iron Man: “the truth about Doom’s reincarnated mother is revealed.” Doctor Doom’s reincarnated mother?? Come on! COME ON!

Huh, Sina Grace is on Iceman. I think I have one of his autobio comics around here somewhere... Autobio guy, right? Huh. Is Iceman still gay...? I can’t tell from the solicitations. Oh wait, “totally comfortable in his own skin” = gay.

Goddamn, I wish there were a fucking implosion-- I just hit a wall of team books... oh my god, there are SO MANY COMICS here. All these people need to be shown the door.

They’re playing like shit isn’t selling because of the minorities??? Shit isn’t selling because Marvel doesn’t know who they are! WHAT IS THIS BRAND? There’s no way to get your arms around all this. What fan can follow this? There’s too many fucking books here. Of course no one’s a star-- if you work in comics, they just hand you a title and then best of fucking luck, I guess. This is fucking unbelievable. I mean, something’s really gone wrong-- there’s no cohesion to this at all. It’s just a fucking endless mess. Good god, imagine being a retailer! IMAGINE BEING A RETAILER!

They have to take these, imagine what people will want and how many people will want it, and then order accordingly. So when you throw this much shit at the wall, what the fuck does anyone expect them to do? I’ve been doing this for a while and I’m not even halfway down this fucking list!!!!

Oh my god-- SCARLET SPIDER! Drawn by Mark Bagley! WHo the fuck would want that??? (Well, that’s probably a big hit, given how close I am to the pulse of things, but). Holy shit. Because in the 90′s, when Marvel overproduced before things fucking cratered, you could tell they were out of ideas because they got the fucking SCARLET SPIDER OUT THERE into the world, and that’s where everyone went “oh shit, Marvel’s fucked.”

It was called the Clone Saga and people haaaated it. Elmore Leonard said it in fucking Be Cool or one of those books-- if the story’s about clones, that means nobody knew what the fuck they were doing. I got to write a comic once-- you know what I wrote about? CLONES! Because I’m not a writer and I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing!

Bad omens, man...

HOLY SHIT THEY’RE BLAMING THIS ON THE MINORITIES!!!!!!!

HOLY SHIT!

What else... Spider-Gwen-- is Robbi Rodriguez okay? There was reports he was retiring or he was having a rough time of it-- I really hope that dude’s okay. We met a couple times and then one time he walked up to me and I didn’t recognize him because I’m a bad person, and I was like “Hi, I’m so and so” and he was like “We’ve met several times before and also, why would you introduce yourself by saying you’re so-and-so. That’s not how introductions work.” I always felt bad / still feel bad about that.

I can’t keep looking at this. I just got past 500 Spiderman-comics, and then just “SPIDER-MAN by Bendis.” This is fucking crazy...

MOON GIRL AND DEVIL DINOSAUR? Fuck you.

Black Bolt??? Motherfucker doesn’t talk!!!!!!!

I think I’m going in circles-- I swear to god, I just hit Ms. Marvel, and I’m pretty sure I saw Ms. Marvel before at least twice. I’m going in circles. IS THE BLAIR WITCH DOING THIS TO ME? Am I stuck in one of those Blair Witch movies??????

Oh, Hawkeye-- I read one of those last year. I don’t remember having opinions about it. It was like a detective thing though.

Brian Stelfreeze doing covers for Black Panther-- I saw that Art of Stelfreeze book that Boom did the other day at Barnes and Noble? Nice fucking package! I love that guy’s art, but I don’t buy art books, besides those Kevin Dart books... they just become clutter real fast, you know? But that guy, man, he draws like a motherfucker...

Squirrel-Girl made it to 21 issues. I know people like that one. Huh...

Kingpin-- is that the one by the 4 Kids Walk Into a Bank guy? What happened to THAT comic? That was the last thing I was really into but then it didn’t really come out much...

James Robinson’s doing Nick Fury-- they’re trying to ape Steranko for the covers, which man... everyone after Steranko apes him on the covers and I bet you a zillion dollars the interiors got nothing to do with the guy. Like... I know people got pissy cause he’s a right wing guy now, but there’s a lot to say about what that guy did with those original comics, man, because it’s just... but I mean, that was, what, 5-6 decades ago...? They got no one else to homage with that character. No one’s done it right since so who fucking thinks they’re going to...?

I mean, there was a cultural thing going on that Steranko was boiling down though-- it was a comic of its time. He was looking at what other people were doing and then doing that in comics. But now, I see these character designs and it’s just people in jackets and t-shirts. I mean, you have to bring visual culture into the books... if it’s not going to be that, you’re just reading some generic spy shit, which ...

Vision Director’s Cut -- yuuuuuckkkkkkkkk. I have a story there, but I can’t tell it yet, or I don’t know. To be continued.

Oh, there’s Javier Rodriguez-- that guy fucking rules. I like that guy...

Goddamn, am I even halfway yet????

the Unstoppable Wasp... jesus christ...

Becky Cloonan’s writing the Punisher...? God. I remember my buddy sending me her minicomics when she was just getting started. There you go... i didn’t like her spaceship thing though-- too slow, no sleaze. Probably “better” in trade.

Frazer Irving’s drawing Guardians of the Galaxy...? That’s probably good looking, but could be better things he could draw. One of my favorite interactions with a comics person of all time was Frazer Irving, but again, a story that’s probably not appropriate to tell...

“I AM GROOT #2 by CHRIS HASTINGS and FLAVIANO. Mary Jane Variant Cover by TBA.”

...

“I AM GROOT #2 by CHRIS HASTINGS and FLAVIANO. Mary Jane Variant Cover by TBA.”

HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE? There’s not enough paper, motherfuckers. There’s not enough paper! How are they doing this every month and none of their offices have a bathroom??? Is this what happens when editors try to hold their pee in all day??

I’d read a Bendis comic for old times sakes, but I wouldn’t shit on 99% of these writers in these solicits.

OH MY GOD.

OH MY GOD LISTEN TO THIS.I THINK I FOUND THE WINNER OF THE JUNE 2017 SOLICITATIONS.

LISTEN TO THIS SHIT!!!!!

“ NOVA #7 JEFF LOVENESS & RAMON PEREZ (W) SCOTT HEPBURN (A) Cover by Dan Mora • As Richard Rider struggles to come to terms with the revelations from his return to the Cancerverse, Sam Alexander struggles with homework, his family and (gulp) dating! 32 PGS./Rated T …$3.99″

WHAT THE FUCK?

RETURN TO THE CANCERVERSE!

Mother.fucker. Was this question a trap???? WAS THIS A TRAP? What did I ever do to you? Did I wrong you somehow? Is getting me to look at this some kinda Cask of Amontillado shit cause I wronged you? “A thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as best I could, but when he ventured upon insult I vowed revenge.”

I’m a nice I’m a tolerable person. I didn’t deserve this.

My head hurts.

They’re blaming this all on black people. Hahahahahaha... oh my god, comics people are the most racist people ever.

#Worst Hobby or Worstest Hobby?

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