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stereoskopiandaydream · 4 years

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Sometimes i think about the fact i’ve been suicidal my entire life

The first time i felt it... i can’t remember, but i do remember years later, the first time i ever wrote about it.

It was english class, we were writing in our journals for the first five minutes like we did every day.

And i turn mine in when time’s up, like everyone else.

At the end of the day, i remember being called into my 1st grade english teacher’s room alone, where all of a sudden i realized, from hearing her tone and reading her body language, that i was in trouble again, and then I saw the journal from that morning sitting on the table where she sat me down, with a yellow sticky note sticking out of it. And i knew thats what it was.

She asked me questions, opening it to the page where i’d written the small paragraph about how sometimes i wanted to die, like my dad and my cats, and had drawn in a shitty looking little set of tombstones, with ghosts floating up out of them.

I remember scrambling for an explanation, and i got lucky, cuz it was close to halloween. I said i was just in the spooky mood, and that it had just been me being really excited and that yeah dad and some cats of mine were dead but i’d gotten over it a long time before that. I wasn’t even 7 yet.

First fucking grade.

That’s the first of many times i realized that you couldn’t trust people, adults especially, with important things.

You couldn’t trust any of them. Not your teachers, not your cub scout troop leader, not counselors or therapists or doctors or your parent or your friend’s or their parents.

Nobody.

Because if you did, then they’d stab you in the fucking back.

They’d treat you differently. They’d want to make you better, or they’d tell you that you *need help* or that its bad for someone your age to feel that way.

Somehow there was always something wrong with you. Something shameful, something to be fixed.

And i guess that’s what pissed me off the most.

Because

I’m

NOT

FUCKING

BROKEN.

I always hated that. I always hated when people said “they’re broken”, especially whenever my parent tried to use it to manipulate me. I always hated the thought of “being broken”, and i mean... i fucking hate it so much that sometimes, even songs i like, “Burn MF” by 5FDP for instance, where the singer keeps singing shit about being broken... it makes me wanna throw up, makes me wanna put my fucking fist through a wall and tear out the two by fours, it makes me wanna fucking hurt myself.

I remember reading some spec ops dude writing about “the shame of being suicidal” as he “came out” about it. And you know, i guess maybe i shouldn’t put “coming out” in quotes because i guess for some people it is something they come out about, its something thats a part of themselves that they hide.

I remember reading his coming out post and realizing again that, yep, suicide’s still taboo as all fuckin hell.

And i remember that it’s been this way all my life. Wanting death, or at least not wanting this life, and not how nobody wants to talk about it, but how nobody wants you to talk about it.

You know, unless they’re trying to fix you, then they want to hear your whole sob story and they want to say “im so sorry” and they wanna feel their own heart break for you and look deep in your goddamn fucking eyes and god its so fucking patronizing and you know they dont give a goddamn flying fuck about you, they just wanna make themselves feel good, or, in the case of most of ‘em, they just wanna make themselves feel good for hating you.

Because what happens when you tell someone, “no, i don’t need to talk about it, i dont want to talk about it, i’ve been doing just fine this whole time, and suddenly you feel bad because you just found out like, bitch, i’ve been here this whole goddamn time and just going about my business and all of a sudden its a big deal. Like, shut up already.”

I’ve had people blow up at the version of this that’s actually polite and respectful and full of smiles and “no thank you, i appreciate it, but im good” and just... that’s it. That’s the whole point. You tell em no, and then they get to feel righteous about treating you like shit because “they only wanted to help and you turned them down, which means you’re ungrateful and disrespectful and arrogant and”

The list just goes on.

I don’t even know what else to say.

Yeah im done.

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bhadpodcast · 5 years

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"But poor Scoot got murdered because Stiles refused to share his own trauma with his one true alpha & owner Scoot! It was all Stiles' fault, really!"

More ableism, double standards, victim blaming, canon erasure and Scottpocrisy 101 courtesy of delusionals https://liliaeth.tumblr.com/post/184828048616/you-really-dont-know-what-conspiring-means-do

anonymous: You really don’t know what “conspiring” means, do you?

liliaeth: Oh I definitely do, I think you guys are the ones who don’t.

Stiles wanted Theo to keep quiet about Donovan, so in exchange Stiles kept quiet about Theo killing Josh. That’s conspiring. And before you bring up ‘blackmail’, all Stiles had to do to stop that, is tell Scott the truth.

It’s not like Scott’s ever thrown Braeden or Argent out for using guns. It’s not like Scott berated Derek after he said they’d make their own deadpool of those who came after them for the money.

The notion of Scott supposedly being against any and all killing is fanon. And Stiles should have known this. But Stiles was so caught up in his own guilt, that Stiles saw Scott’s statement that was clearly about what Kira had done, as the same as the clear obvious accident and self defense that happened with Donovan.

Stiles was blaming himself, so he put more trust in Theo’s willingness to keep quiet, than that he dared believe that Scott would accept him.

The reality is that if Stiles had told Scott the truth, Scott would have helped him. All Stiles had to do was stop lying.

Instead Stiles worked with Theo to hide the truth from Scott, to the point of trying to keep the pack from the Nemeton, so they wouldn’t find Donovan’s body.

And as a result, Stiles betrayed the pack, betrayed Scott.

endraking: It looks like the anon is forgetting when Stiles being blackmailed turned into conspiracy.

First, What did Theo do? Leverage Stiles killing Donovan to keep Josh’s death a secret, specifically from Scott. Keep that in mind. Stiles not only kept that secret, one he could’ve told earlier than that but what else did he do? He partnered with Theo to catch the body thief, which is not the wisest decision regardless of how he felt that he would catch Theo in the act. Then he proceeded to hide information from the pack even misdirecting Lydia from tracking and finding the Nemeton.

Stiles didn’t even lie to craft a story on why he thought Donovan was dead so his dad would stop devoting resources to finding him. He could’ve easily lied to his father, by this point it was almost second nature. That plays into Theo’s agenda in neutralizing the pack and Stiles did it willingly without outside prompt. Theo was able to succeed to the level he did because Stiles helped him. I feel that statement needs repeating: He succeeded to the extent he did because of Stiles’ actions.

Ways Stiles could’ve been blackmailed that wouldn’t have been conspiracy:

-Do Nothing; Literally go home, curl into a depressive ball and turn his back on both the pack and Theo/DDs -Toe the line in helping the pack without outing Theo to keep his secret -Tell the pack/family/friends first and steal any power Theo had over him -Leave; Theo’s power over him could only exist if he were physically present.

princeescaluswords: Something else that needs to brought in mind, as the original anon asked, is the definition of conspiracy. To conspire means, according to Webster’s, to join in a secret agreement to do an unlawful or wrong act. It doesn’t matter why a conspirator joins in that secret agreement to make it a conspiracy.

I don’t have a problem with Stiles being drawn into the conspiracy. His motivations were solid and established even if they were irrational. He didn’t want his father and his friends to look at him differently after he killed Donovan in self-defense. They were products of trauma and his own insecurity.

Yet it was a conspiracy. Stiles helped Theo cover up Josh Diaz’s first death and Theo helped Stiles cover up Donovan’s death.

My problem is when the fanon (and to a lesser extent, the show) somehow attempts to make Stiles’ participation in the cover-up and the conspiracy Scott’s fault. Because the truth is that even if Scott had believed Stiles from the moment he said that Theo was shifty, unless Scott straight-up murdered Theo or somehow managed to drive him from Beacon Hills, it wouldn’t have changed a damn thing. Donovan would have come after Stiles anyway, Stiles would have still killed him in self-defense, and Stiles would have still lied to Scott about it.

The truth is that Stiles didn’t defend himself in Lies of Omission; his goal was to shift the blame for Donovan’s death to Scott, which he failed to do. First Stiles tried to make it a referendum on Scott’s nature as a True Alpha – that it was Scott’s fault that he wasn’t Stiles shadow 24/7 “Some of us are human!”. When that didn’t work, Stiles tried to make it a referendum on their friendship “Say you believe me!” – and this emotional blackmail didn’t work.

His final shot was to try to make Scott responsible for the consequences of his actions “Tell me what you want me to do,” so Scott did, and that’s not what Stiles really wanted at all. He wanted Scott to say “Don’t worry about it” as Scott had said every time before. But they’re not the same people, and Scott was right to direct Stiles to his father. Because Stiles killed someone, lied about it, engaged in a conspiracy and got caught.

We can talk about fanon’s huge double standard forever when it comes to characters acting under blackmail, we can talk about the show’s cowardice when it came to confronting the flaws in the Scott & Stiles relationship, but it came down to the fact that Season 5A focused on the negative consequences of Stiles behavior from Season 1 to 5 – the lying, the avoidance, and the entitlement.

I think they’ve finally done it They’ve exhausted me. They gaslight and reform canon until it fits into their rhetoric regardless of what canon so obviously shows. Lil is trying to say there are time when Scott is not against killing and yet there’s never been an instance of this shown on the show. You know what is shown? Scott telling Stiles that “we can’t kill” and “there has to be another way”.

PEW trying to say Stiles is shifting the blame for Josh’s death onto Scott (even though it is Scott’s fault), when Stiles’ words never even intimated as much.

Calling Stiles a liar and sneaky and entitled, continuing to dismiss the fact he was blackmailed and trying to call it conspiracy without any context and blaming it on self loathing because why not? He’s terrible and it would suck to be Stiles so they “get it”.

They don’t get it and they never will. The thing is their arguments only work on Tumblr. As soon as people watch the show, they’ll see what they’re meant to and realize the antis are full of crap.

Right now that’s good enough for me.

If @athenadark @ravewulf @thisdiscontentedwinter or any of them wanna take it, feel free.

#submission #posey problems #teen wofl #teen wolf #links #PEW #nix nyxie #scott mccall #stiles stilinksi #anti antis #lil

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x0401x · 6 years

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(me again) i went and read the chapter with the market scene and you're right they did changed it quite a bit, also agree WHERE IS THE GILBERT AND HODGINS BROPT IN THIS EP...ahem, and if you dont mind i'm gonna ask: what were your thoughts on gil and violets relationship this ep?

Yeah, I mean, Violet and Lux are great but the best BroTP of this series is Gil and Hodgins, hands down. Also gotta take this opportunity to say that anime!Hodgins just keeps straying farther from his novel counterpart. “As always, you don’t understand women” my ass. He’s a gentleman in canon. And his sexuality has yet to make itself known in the anime too. It feels like KyoAni is trying hard to make him straight. If we don’t at least get to see the scene of him seducing John, I’m calling bullshit.

(more under the cut because this is huge)

Okay, on to my impressions on anime!Gilbert and anime!Violet… it’s a lot to talk about, which is why it took me so long to reply. I’m just… so mad that I’ve become numb, lol. I gotta go reread chapter 6 to cleanse my soul.

Maybe I should start with Violet. The amount of emotion she’s showing is ridiculously disproportional, as always. Her assertions that Gil is definitely fine and that everyone is lying to her are too irrational and going all the way to Dietfriet to ask about Gil was plain weird. I also don’t like how her child self acted as if she had to be “tamed” by Gil, like he had to earn her trust. He was afraid of her at first in canon, while she was the one who chose him as her master.

Speaking of emotion, I felt next to nothing while watching this episode. The whole thing seems to be as lacking as the previous ones, even though it should have been the most emotionally compelling part of the story. Everything is badly explained and everyone just goes along with the flow like they’re string dolls. It’s forced and feels unnatural. For example, Violet’s first meeting with Gil. His brother literally comes to him with a skinny, ravaged-looking child that he was keeping in a potato sack and goes “I’m giving this weapon to you” without any further explanation on where he found her and what exactly she is, and all Gil says is “I understand; I will take her in”. Like????? What the fuck???????

The world-building is also in need of more detail. A lot of things seem out of place. For instance, the navy and the army don’t seem to be hostile towards one another in the anime, and there was no mention of Dietfriet having cut his ties with everyone in the family save for Gil.

I’m also shaken by the fact it seems Gil is hiding from everyone in the anime, including his family. If so, then that’s a major plot hole. I mean, how would he have convinced everyone at work to simply lie to his relatives that he had died? It’s a literal crime. And if he didn’t do that, the only thing I can think of is that he made his entire family lie that he was dead, and even went as far as requesting a fake grave. Either way is heartless as shit. The first one would probably be the worst of all, because imagine him coming back home after Violet finds out that he was actually alive like “LMAO JUST KIDDING”. I would also like to stress that, if the second option is true, that would make Hodgins and Dietfriet pretty OOC. Hodgins because he should be sadder if he really thinks his one and only best friend died in war, and Dietfriet because, if he thought that Gilbert was dead, he would have done anything in his power to kill Violet for failing to protect him (though Dietfriet is already OOC for not being as much of a softie with Gil as he is in canon). But of course, there’s always the third option of KyoAni deciding to say “fuck it all” and killing off Gilbert. At this point, I’d rather have them do that.

Anime!Gil is just too awful, lol. In the novel, he finds himself at several dead-ends as to leaving Violet to someone else’s care, but none of them are being presented in the anime. He’s cold as hell too. He arrives home with Violet like “yeah, you just give her a bath or something and don’t tell anyone about her” as if it’s none of his business. Also, anime!Gil had never seen Violet fighting, so I have no idea how she ended up killing those guys in the training barracks. He could have just said that his brother had made a mistake or something, because any sane person would at least be asking “what are you on” when being told that a thin little girl is a weapon without any further detail.

No idea why Gil didn’t just leave Violet in an orphanage if he didn’t know of her abilities. Plus, felt like he didn’t want to send her to war not because she was a literal child, but because she wouldn’t be useful enough since she’s “too unstable”. He disobeys orders from his superiors to back his claim, which is as odd as Violet disobeying orders from him (unless he’s dying). But even weirder than that was Gil teaching Violet how to read and write. I mean, if he went as far as giving her an education, she was basically ready to live somewhere else like a normal kid. He could have ordered her to forge her own death and sent her to Tiffany and Patrick. So yeah, another plot hole.

About the aforementioned market scene, I’m so full of salt, lmfao. I hated so much that Gil said he was grateful for Violet’s deeds until he realized how fucked-up that is and stopped talking. Just what in all the nine hells? He was basically making a child risk her life and get a shitton of injuries not for the country, but for himself, since he was the only person she fought for. Anime!Gilbert is a complete imbecile, and his charm of “stoic on the outside, actually melted butter on the inside” and “young dad doing his best to raise his adopted daughter and failing marvelously” have pretty much disappeared.

What also disappeared were Violet’s war merits. She’s not as awesome as in the novel, so obviously her nicknames (“Warrior Maiden”, “Leidenschaftlich’s Witch”, etc) are unwarranted, and Gilbert is the one who fires the signal flare of victory instea of her. It doesn’t seem like she has as big of a role either, and we also don’t see how any of her fellow soldiers treat her aside from Gil and Hodgins. There’s no scene whatsoever displaying how Gil was the only person who treated Violet for what she was, a child, while others would either harass her verbally, try to molest/spy on her or not want to get involved with her at all.

We can’t forget how everyone’s fear became true: no Witchcraft. KyoAni wrote it off. I just wanna know why. Just give me a reason, Ishidate. I need an explanation for that one.

Aaaand… this has been a small glimpse of my bottomless disgust for this adaptation. Anyone who wants to e-mail Kyoto Animation requesting a remake has my full support.

#violet evergarden

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