#to post instead. journal entries don't garner sympathy lmao. anyway really I'm fine it's just my regularly scheduled meltdown

[makingshortstorieslong]

Hi hello what a beautiful night to freak out about the prospect the possibility the perhaps probability of living alone forever

every time I think maybe this is actually what I want. I have a huge meltdown about it later.

like the fact that I'm on the other side of the world from my close friends and family currently is definitely a contributing factor. There's no 'call someone to come over' or 'go stay at my parents' for a weekend' to help. But also even when I had those options...someone always has to leave eventually and then I'm alone again.

i like being alone! but like. I like being alone by choice, not by default. Like the default SHOULD be other people in the kitchen. Other people in the car. and also those people should be my brothers probably. I don't know how to live with anyone other than my family and I feel this worry that I will never learn how. Like... I cannot grow and change and experiment in that house. I spent the whole summer wanting to go to meeting for worship to try it and I did not. There are all kinds of things that I may or may not want to get involved in that I never would living at home. The fear of judgement is so real even if it's kind of silly. But anyway I have to move out. Also I already did. But like... WHO is going to hug me when I am sad. WHO is going to bring me soup when I am sick. WHO is going to let me make them dinner. WHO is going to be pleasantly surprised that I did the dishes before they could get to it. I feel suffocated by the my own ego - I am thinking so loud to fill up this apartment - I am so sick of me and I cannot take a break from me either - and yet I cannot do those things I need like another human being or something.

i think I'm okay at making friends. I have some really good ones. I don't really want more because I want to just keep the ones I have forever and I am aware of the limits of my attention and time and memory, if not the limits of my love. but like at some point I guess I'll have to? I'm not sure where this paragraph was going. I'm going to hit post and go shower now. I finally bought a shower water filter. Yay.

just frustrated I can't see an end to this issue in sight. i am aware that this is a problem typical to the human condition. i never claimed to be original.

Also alone but with pets is a huge improvement over just alone. I miss my cat.

i knew this would happen but it is not making it easier!!!!! i have cried twice this week

also I have FUCKING tinnitus and I guess I'll go to a doctor but maybe that's just here to stay and honestly I am going to run straight into a wall

#believe it or not typing this out has calmed me down #I do keep a journal actually and sometime I write this garbage there - a lot more often than I write it here - but sometimes it feels good #to post instead. journal entries don't garner sympathy lmao. anyway really I'm fine it's just my regularly scheduled meltdown #I've been having this one at intervals for probably four or five years now? Love looking forward to an unknowable length of time more! #possibly the literal rest of my life! #now see there is a suicide joke I want to make there but unfortunately that's also not funny :( so I'm just pointing it out so maybe you'll #imagine it bc like. It is funny. We're this a short story I'd write it. however it's not so I won't go there #it's along the lines of humpty dumpy telling Alice how to stay seven years old. Actually. No it's not. It made sense before I typed it #perhaps I'll delete this but it's unlikely #if you read all this I apologize