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uniformbravo · 2 years

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ALRIGHT i guess im liveblogging this now screams

(carry on by rainbow rowell or as i like to call it Gay Wizard Books)

im going back thru what ive already read a little bit a lot bit bc theres some GOOD SHIT back there.... i don't plan to be v thorough w this so dont expect a lot of story continuity or context i just want to yell about the parts that make me scream basically

the story is told from multiple povs in 1st person so every time it shifts i'll note it with the new speaker's name at the beginning of the excerpt

also there'll most definitely be spoilers jsyk!!

---

obligatory book cover appearance (simon on the left, baz on the right, party in the back)

[Simon] Baz told me that for him, it's like lighting a match. Or pulling a trigger.

He hadn't meant to tell me that. It was when we were fighting the chimera in the woods during our fifth year.

oh SHIT ok im glad i went back for this LMAO the chimera story is more significant than this lets on, i never woulda caught this

anyway "he hadnt meant to tell me that" LOL

"Do it, Snow!" Baz shouted at me. "Do it. Fucking unleash. Now."

"I can't," I tried to tell him. "It doesn't work like that."

"It bloody well does."

"I can't just turn it on," I said.

"Try."

"I can't, damn it."

[...]

"Close your eyes and light a match," Baz told me. [...]

"What?"

"That's what my mother used to say," he said. "Light a match inside your heart, then blow on the tinder."

It's always fire with Baz. I can't believe he hasn't incinerated me yet. Or burned me at the stake.

PLEASE simons like look at this asshole BOSSING ME AROUND meanwhile baz is like offering Genuine Advice in a critical moment gjakjgksdg it's like in pnat when johnny tries to apologize for getting max hurt in the hitball game and max is just like LOL NICE TRY ASSHOLE HERE'S THE REAL REASON UR APOLOGIZING-

He used to threaten me with a Viking's funeral, back when we were third years. "Do you know what that is, Snow? A flaming pyre, set adrift on the sea. We could do yours in Blackpool, so all your chavvy Normal friends can come."

"Sod off," I'd say, and try to ignore him.

I've never even had any Normal friends, chavvy or otherwise.

ok first of all baz PLEASE why is that so fucking funny, secondly simon's fucking gjskgjdgjkd LAME ASS COMEBACK "we'll even invite all ur friends to the funeral" "jokes on U i don't HAVE any friends" LIKE PLS

That night that we were fighting the chimera, Baz kept yelling at me until I went off.

We both woke up a few hours later in a blackened pit. The boulder we'd been hiding behind was dust, and the chimera was vapour. Or maybe it was just gone.

Baz was sure I'd singed off his eyebrows, but he looked fine to me--not a hair out of place.

Typical.

LOL he's an asshole AND he's perfect in every conceivable way??? FUCK this guy

(also also later im pretty sure penny says something like "if he knows ur there he'll protect u when he goes off so u don't get blown up" so like lol. lol and lmao baz turns up completely unharmed next to a completely obliterated fucking BOULDER, ON THE DAY HE TRIED TO GENUINELY KILL SIMON,)

Things I miss most about Watford:

[...]

No. 2--Penelope

This spot on the list used to belong to "roast beef."

GGJFOGJGKJDKG YEAH??? desperately wanna know what penny would say to this

The first time I came back to Watford, my second year, I climbed right into my bed and cried like a baby. I was still crying when Baz came in. "Why are you already weeping?" he snarled. "You're ruining my plans to push you to tears."

this fuckin DOOD

(weeping. weeping. this guy says weeping-)

(also they were 12 back then which makes it even funnier baz is SO like

(also wait hold on which one of them the fuck is older please PLEASE i have to know IMMEDIATELY))

"I've told you that his cheeks get really full when he has a nightmare? Like his mouth is filling up with extra teeth?"

simon standing over baz's bedside staring at him having nightmares like

(give it up for my sister's cat btw)

"Circumstantial evidence," Penny says. "And I still don't know why you'd creep up on a vampire who has night terrors."

"I live with him! I have to keep my wits about me."

She rolls her eyes. "Baz'll never hurt you in your own room."

She's right. He can't. Our rooms are spelled against betrayal--the Roommate's Anathema. If Baz does anything to physically hurt me inside our room, he'll be cast out of the school.

good thing baz is a giant NERD

(also "baz'll" is tickling me so much bc it's just. basil)

(im assuming that's how it's pronounced, largely bc that's how they say it in the great mouse detective, the only other point of reference i have for english accents,)

You get warnings when you're young: For the first two years, if you try to hit or hurt your roommate, your hands go stiff and cold. I threw a book at Baz once in our first year, and it took three days for my hand to thaw out.

Baz has never violated the Anathema. Not even when we were kids.

Inch Resting

"Penelope?" She doesn't answer. I lean off my bed and swing my pillow at her legs--that's how close the beds are; Baz wouldn't even have to get out of his to kill me. Or vice versa, I guess.

"I guess"

"Penny."

"What?" she says into Baz's pillow.

"You have to go back to your room."

"Don't want to."

[...]

I get out of bed and stand over her. Her dark hair is spread out over the pillowcase, and her glasses are smashed into her cheek. Her skirt has hiked up, and her bare thigh looks plump and smooth.

I pinch her. She jumps up.

god their friendship is so CUTE i love the two of them so much this is so good ;w;

The Mage nods. "Good." He looks at me for a few more seconds, then turns back to the window, like he's observed everything about me that he needs to. The sunlight catches in his thick brown hair, and for a minute, he looks even more like a swashbuckler than usual.

He's in uniform; dark green canvas leggings, tall leather boots, a green tunic with straps and small pockets--with a sword hanging in a woven scabbard from his tooled belt.

when my older sibling was in art school they did a painting of a pirate fighting a dragon that pretty much matches this description Exactly so from now on until proven otherwise in my mind the mage looks like this:

(simon snow series if the mage had a gun: )

I strip off my shirt and give the gold cross around my neck a rub. I'm not religious--it's a talisman. Been passed down in Agatha's family for years, a ward against vampires. [...] I don't really need to wear it all summer, but once you get used to wearing an anti-vampire necklace, it seems stupid to take it off.

LMAO this is genuinely so fucking funny he really has an anti-vampire necklace. a "fuck you baz specifically" necklace. statement piece

I don't see Baz, but there are so many people, it'd be easy for him to avoid me if he wanted. (Baz normally makes sure that I see him.)

lol lol lol

Baz isn't in our room when I wake up.

I look for him in the dining hall at breakfast, but he's not there either.

His name is called during my first lesson--Greek with the Minotaur. [...]

He calls out Baz's name four times. "Tyrannus Pitch? Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch?"

this fuckin ebony darkness dementia raven way ass-

She waves her hand at Agatha and me. "This is important. Agatha, you know Baz better than any of us. What did he tell you?"

"She doesn't know him better than I do," I argue. "I live with him."

"Fine, Simon, what did he tell you?"

"Nothing

cutting it off here bc it's funnier gdkfldg

simon's NEED to assert himself as the number one baz encyclopedia in this world i SWEAR 2 god

(also oh my god they're roommates-)

I know I should be happy about Baz being gone--it's what I've always said I wanted, to be free of him--but it seems so...wrong. People don't just disappear like this.

Baz wouldn't.

obsessed with the way he's so obsessed w this, PEAK enemies dynamic

"can't wait til this bitch is out of my life forever" *bitch disappears* "WHERE IS HE-"

(also interesting to specify "said i wanted" why would u phrase it like that simon. explain)

"No," I say. "I mean--Baz. Basil didn't come back."

"Ah," she says. "Young Master Pitch. Surely he'll be back. His mother did so value education."

"That's what I said!"

"Well, you know him best," she says.

"That's what I said, too!"

He Knows Him Best

Ebb nods and pets the goat. "To think you used to be at each other's throats."

"We're still at each other's throats."

She looks up at me doubtfully. She has narrow blue eyes, bright blue--brighter somehow because her face is so dirty.

"Ebb," I insist, "he tried to kill me."

"Not successfully." She shrugs. "Not recently."

"He's tried to kill me three times! That I know of! It doesn't actually matter whether it worked."

"It matters a bit," she says. "'Sides, how old was he the first time, eleven? Twelve? That hardly counts."

LMAO LMAO LMAO SHE GETS IT

"I'm just saying--been a long time since I had to spell you two apart."

"Well, there's no point in throwing down all the time," I say. "Doesn't get us anywhere. And it hurts. I suspect we're saving up."

"For what?" she asks.

"The end."

"The end of school?"

"The end of the end," I say. "The big fight."

"So you were saving it, and then he didn't come back for it?"

"Exactly!"

LOL HES SO MAD he said "meet me in the dennys parking lot at 3 am for an ass kicking" and baz said "snzzzzzzzzzz"

The Catacombs sit beneath the Chapel and beyond it. There are probably lots of ways down, but I only know of one.

In our fifth year, I kept seeing Baz slip off towards the Chapel after dinner.

[...]

Penelope only went with me at first, when she still believed Baz might be up to something.

She stopped after a few months. She stopped going to Baz's football matches with me, too. And stopped waiting with me in the hallway outside the balcony where Baz takes his violin lessons.

god. jesus christ. fucking. i swear 2 god. he was really out here like

But I couldn't give it up. Not when all my clues were just starting to come together...

The blood on Baz's cuffs. The fact that he could see in the dark. [...] Then I found a pile of dead rats in the Chapel basement, all pinched and used, like squeezed up lemons.

I was alone when I finally confronted him. Deep in the Catacombs, inside the Children's Tomb. Le Tombeau des Enfants. Baz was sitting in the corner, skulls stacked along the walls around him.

"You found me," he said.

GOD this goth ass bitch was really down here in skull city sipping on rats like Capri Sun every night i CAN'T deal with him he makes me insane

"They died in a plague," he said.

"Who?"

Baz raised his hand--I flinched back.

He cocked an eyebrow and swept his arm in a flourish at the room around us. "Them," he said. "Les enfants."

i really want to imagine that he just. Completely butchers the pronunciation. his dramatic ass sitting there like "the children...... Less En Fance"

He slipped a flask out of his jacket and took a swig. I didn't know that he'd been drinking--my sword dipped. I tried to remind myself to stay battle ready, and pulled it up again.

the hesitation here PLEASE

what does it mean...............

"Stake through the heart?" he asked, falling back into the corner and resting an arm on a pile of skills. "Beheading, perhaps? That only works if you keep my head separate from my body, and even then I could still walk; my body won't stop until it finds my head....Better go with fire, Snow, it's the only solution."

Better Make It Count. Better Hit Me In One Shot

I wanted to just slice him in two. Right then and there. Fucking finally.

But I kept thinking of Penelope. "How do you know he's a vampire, Simon? Have you seen him drink blood? Has he threatened you? Has he tried to put you in his thrall?"

Maybe he had. Maybe that's why I'd been following Baz around for six months.

and that seems like a plausible theory to you HUH ok

(also more hesitation. the Excuses smh hfhghdgh heh hee Hee)

"What if I accidentally Turned you? Then I'd be stuck with your pious face forever." Baz shook his head and took another pull at his flask. "I don't think undeath would improve you, Snow. It would just ruin your complexion." He giggled again. Mirthlessly. And closed his eyes like he was exhausted.

obsessed with this. give me the baz pov on this i wanna know his Exact thoughts at this moment STAT

(this was apparently the year he realized his feelings for simon so i am simply sitting here like Show Me The Truth. Release The Butthole Cut)

I dropped my sword but kept it unsheathed, then stepped out of my stance. "I don't have to do anything," I said. "I know what you are. Now I just have to wait for you to make a mistake."

He winced without opening his eyes. "Really, Snow? That's your plan? Wait for me to kill someone? You're the worst Chosen One who's ever been chosen."

LOL get his ass, after all that internal struggle all he could come up with was "w-well i don't have to do it right NOW, i can do it whenever i want, just keeping u on ur toes lmao!!!!" like ghgkdjgs PLEASE

also thing that drives me insane about them #346

they're sworn enemies that hate each others guts forever right. baz calls simon "snow" bc it's his last name and that's what u do when ur enemies

but NOT ONLY does simon not call him pitch or grimm or what have u but by a NICKNAME???????? not even his first name it's his MIDDLE NAME like it does seem to be what Everyone calls him so sure ok but why simon. what is the MEANING of this

theres even a point later where baz is like "i know he tries to avoid saying my name whenever possible" so then wHY IS HE LIKE. YO WHAT UP BAZ MY GUY

AND LIKE when simon's talking to other people, like teachers and ebb and stuff he always says baz first and then clarifies "basil" LIKE IF YOU SAY IT TO CERTAIN PEOPLE ANYWAY WHY WOULD YOU DEFAULT BACK TO BAZ AGAIN I SCREEAAAMMMMM

even basil is technically a nickname his ACTUAL middle name is basilton, simon goes DOUBLE nickname he calls him fucking basilton twice removed i can't. i genuinely cant

and you would THINK that at some point baz would have been like dont fucking call me that asshole but i GUESS over the last 7 years it never Came Up

maybe simon just started doing it to piss him off (please let this be the reason)

None of it comes naturally to me. Words. Language. Speaking.

I don't remember when I learned to talk, but I know they tried to send me to specialists. Apparently, that can happen to kids in care, or kids with parents who never talk to them--they just don't learn how.

I used to see a counsellor and a speech therapist. "Use your words, Simon." I got so bloody sick of hearing that. It was so much easier to just take what I wanted instead of asking for it. Or thump whoever was hurting me, even if they thumped me right back.

I barely spoke the first month I was at Watford. It was easy not to; no one else around here shuts up.

💖 💖 💖 👑 Nonverbal King 👑 💖 💖 💖

simon autistic thank u

[Penelope] I must frown, because Simon raises his eyebrows and says, "I know, Penny--I'm not going anywhere. But if I stay here, then he wants me to lie low. He wants us to lie low. He says his Men are working on it, and it's delicate."

every time they talk about the mage's Men it makes me laugh so much theyre not just his men theyre his Men, the mage and his Boys, his Squad. cracking open a cold one with The Men

"Do you think Baz is with these other boys?" I ask.

"Makes sense, doesn't it?"

I don't say anything. I really, really hate to talk to Simon about Baz. It's like talking to the Mad Hatter about tea. I hate to encourage him.

BFJGOGUAGKGK YEAH OK

I lean into him, because I'm cold and he's always warm. And because I like to remind him that I'm not afraid of him.

penny is such a sweet friend PLEASE

(simon has rly powerful magic that basically makes him explode all the time so not a lot of people like to stick too close to him)

I raise my wand and cast a "See what I mean!" then start writing in the air--What We Know:

"Nothing," Agatha says. "Meeting adjourned."

LOL AGATHA

She said it felt like touching a raw wire and feeling the electricity shake you from the inside. Raw, scalding, scorching magic...

Which is still how Simon's magic feels. I've never told him so, but it's awful. Just standing near him when he goes off is like taking a shock. Your muscles are tired afterwards, and your hair smells like smoke.

again i just love the sentiment, "i've never told him so" pleaseeeeee

Once, he went off while protecting Agatha and me from a clan of worsegers--like badgers, but worse--

WORSEGERS

I don't think Simon and Agatha are in love.

But it isn't my job to tell them so. (And also I've already tried.)

PENNY

[Agatha] I know that Basil, I don't know...thinks about me. Or at least thought about me. That he used to watch me. Especially when I was with Simon.

UH HUH

I know that he hated what Simon and I have. And wanted it. That he'd do anything to get between us.

U DON'T SAY

Baz was always there, cutting in at every dance. Teasing me away from Simon, then just teasing me. Disappearing. Sneaking away.

oh my god baz PLEASE this poor girl

[Simon] I swear I don't normally lie and keep secrets from my friends like this. It's just--I can't tell them I'm out here looking for Baz.

the thing that kills me about simon's nightly searches is how utterly unlikely it is that baz would actually secretly have been on school grounds the entire time- but simon doesn't know what else to do and he can't just sit around and do nothing so he does the only thing he can do which is scour the Entire school grounds Just In Case

I know that it's Baz's handkerchief before I even see his initials embroidered in the corner, next to the Pitch coat of arms (flames, the moon, three falcons).

THREE FALCON MOON

I know it's his because he's the only person I've ever met who carries old-fashioned handkerchiefs.

miles edgeworth ass-

He dropped one on my bed, sarcastically, when we were in first year, the first time he made me cry.

Sarcastically

(also "the first time he made me cry" YELLS............ deets NOW)

Pitch Family Coat of Arms (colorized)

Agatha can't leave me. She can't leave me for him. Oh, he'd love that--he'd love to have that over me. Damn it all, he isn't even here to have that over me.

She can't leave me like this. She can't leave me.

We were settled. We were sorted.

We were endgame. (If I get an endgame.) (You have to pretend that you get an endgame. You have to carry on like you will; otherwise, you can't carry on at all.)

i kno simon's kinda having a rough time rn but YOOOOOOOO TITLE DROP LETS GOOOOOOOOOO *airhorns* *cannons* *fireworks*

I have to fix this. With Agatha.

I'll say whatever she wants me to say.

I'll kill Baz, so that he isn't an option.

FJGOEIWJGWJGKDG step one: work things out with my girlfriend. step two: Slaughter Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch Where He Stands

"All right there, Simon?" It's Rhys. He's coming up along the path from the library in his wheelchair.

I look up. "All right. Hiya." I'm not all right. My face is flushed, and I think I'm crying. Do my edges look blurred to him? He hurries past me.

LMAO LMAO LMAO rhys like "how's it going!!" and simon "how can i make her love me again *explodes*

artist rendition:

I'm not sleeping this time when I hear the noises.

I'm just lying in my bed, thinking about Baz.

nice

She looks over at his empty bed, and her sadness is so potent that in that moment, I'd do anything to get him back for her. (I'd do anything to bring him back.)

*spits drink* HUH????? U WANNA RUN THAT ONE BY ME AGAIN SIMON. WHAT DID HE MEAN BY THIS

Her face falls. "My son," she says, cold tears gathering in her eyes. "Give him this." She leans forward and presses a kiss into my temple.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

I close my eyes and pull up my blankets. But the cold is on me, it's in me. "I'll tell him!"

If Baz ever comes back, I will.

[...]

I can't wait to get out of my room in the morning. I run out the door with my tie hanging around my neck and my jumper thrown over my shoulder.

I have no plans to come back. Ever. There's no room for me in there with all the ghosts. Let Baz's mum hang out with his empty bed; I'm tired of staring at it.

im gonna scream im gonna scream he went from "yeehaw i got the whole room to myself baby" to "FUCK this room if baz isn't here" HE WENT ON A WHOLE ASS JOURNEY

like is this genuinely implying that he was gonna fucking. what, LEAVE the school to go looking for that rat bastard himself, deliver the message or by god die trying, or is he just straight up like that's it im sleeping in the forest now ??????????????????? WHAT WAS HIS PLAN

absolutely deranged behavior he cracked. his worst enemy in the world didn't show up to torment him and he couldn't fucking take the peace and quiet

That reminds me. I'm wearing the same trousers as yesterday. I reach into the pocket and feel his handkerchief.

yea hyeah ok yeah neat cool and awesome u know that tuesday morning feel when u just gotta feel ur bros handkerchief in ur pocket, we've all had that moment at some point in our lives RIGHT

"Agatha's not really in love with Baz. She's just looking for something that sticks. It's romantic to be in love with a dead vampire."

"Dead?"

"You know what I mean," Penny says. "Missing. Seriously missing."

Was Baz dead?

[...]

In all of this, I've never seriously considered that Baz might be dead. Hiding, yes--plotting. Maybe even kidnapped or hurting, but...not dead.

He promised to make my life miserable.

SCREAMS SCREAMS SCREECHES AND SCREAMS HELLO???????? HELLO?????????? FUCKING HELLO????????????? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?????????? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???????? HELLO?????????????? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUHGGAUGAGAUGHGAGHHAGHGHHH ???????????????????????????????

When the figure steps forward, I recognize him at once.

Tall. Black hair swept back from his forehead. Lips curled up in a sneer...I know that face as well as my own.

Baz.

I stand up too quickly, knocking my chair over. [...]

Baz steps towards us.

Baz.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO MANS JUMPED TO HIS FEET FRAME FUCKING ONE KNOCKED HIS ENTIRE CHAIR OVER HES SOOOOOOOOOOO BAD FOR HIM 💀💀💀

the repetition like he can't even fucking believe it, not Angry or Heart Sinking at the sight of him or ANY of that shit he is feeling one single emotion right now and it's just BAZ

and this happens DIRECTLY after simons like holy shit what if he's dead LIKE baz was gone for EXACTLY the amount of time it took for simon to start getting emo about him LIKE IDK WHAT IT IS BUT SOMETHING ABOUT THAT GETS ME........ it's like that moment when ur just about to lose hope and then at the last second BAM THERE HE IS

it's that TINY taste of despair and disbelief and denial we get a SLIVER of these deep deep deep down emotions that would absolutely never have surfaced had he not been pushed to this point over the course of the past what was it. like two or three MONTHS

he cant IMAGINE a world without baz in it to the point that it simply never even occurred to him like. u know what this is. simon and baz are mortal fucking enemies for seven years straight. attacking and biting and killing and maiming each other, this is their relationship, this is their Status Quo

so when baz doesn't show up to school, extremely uncharacteristic behavior, simon doesn't think "oh my god he's dead in a ditch somewhere," his first thought is "ALRIGHT WHAT'S THAT SON OF A BITCH PLAYING AT THIS TIME"

because this is their Game, if baz is acting out of the ordinary then oh, he must be plotting something evil, his next Evil Scheme to overthrow the mage or do Dark Vampiric Deeds and it's like. the longer this goes on the more desperate simon gets because this IS part of the game, right?? any moment now he'll reveal himself and start monologuing, RIGHT???? RIGHT??????

and the thing about it is he doesn't even REALIZE that's what's happening here, he's just losing his mind more and more every day trying to find SOME sense of normalcy but it's impossible when the biggest constant in his life is Gone and goddamnit if that bastard would just get his ASS back here-

u know in megamind when metroman fucking dies and megamind slowly spirals into madness because what the FUCK we HAD something going u werent supposed to ACTUALLY DIE what the hell am i supposed to do NOW

yeah

fucking beautiful. absolute masterpiece. poetic cinema. Literature

---

ANYWAY so this book is divided up into these hard defined sections and that was the end of Book One!! baz finally shows up and the screen cuts to black, killing me instantly-

i figured these Book sections would be a good way to divide up the liveblog but it also makes it kinda long so if i have more to say in future sections i might divide them up further. i mean i went WAY more into this than i thought i would, i had planned to just skim the parts i'd read already for scenes i wanted to cover but then i just basically ended up rereading it all over again so WHOOPS

so far in my prior reading i've finished the first two Sections of the book and am a lil ways into the third, so the next liveblog will also be covering stuff i've already read, but there's a lot of fun stuff in book two so i'm sure it'll end up being just as if not MORE hefty than this one

i am simply rambling at this point IN CONCLUSION pls read the simon snow series im having an absolute BLAST with it so far AND its gay what more could u need. happy pride

#retag later #hmmmmmm what tag should i use for this series #ss blogging #(i feel like ive used this tag already but i can't find anything on my blog so so be it #ss for simon snow)#or i could come up w a funny lil nickname like w pnat. simon snowmon. snowm'n #tips fedora m'snow #fslgkdjgkdfg ANYWAY #idk why i put so much effort into those doodles i weas really out here like HOW DO I STICK TO THE 180 DEGREE RULE #(still don't know if i technically did it right but everything seems to read clearly anyway SO)#(also i have yet to come across an actual physical description of rhys so this is a PLACEHOLDER ok orz)

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