#though i'm terrified of wasps so actually no nobody deserves that JAIL FOR NAPOLEON JAIL FOR ONE THOUSAND YEARS

[heytheredeann]

Okay but have we considered:

Napoleon is the one who pulls pigtails, right? But imagine Illya decides one day that, fine, he'll give the American a taste of his own medicine. Napoleon wants to play? He'd best make sure he's ready for the big leagues.

Inexplicably, he decides stealing Gaby's bottle of cotton-candy-pink nail polish and painting Napoleon's nails as he sleeps is the way to go. He slips a Xanax in Napoleon's dinner, just to be sure he won't wake up during, and is awake bright and early and chomping at the bit to see what Napoleon does.

Except all Napoleon does is notice it when he reaches for his morning coffee. He pauses, hand outstretched, rotates his wrist to inspect his nails, then shrugs and keeps going for his coffee. Takes a sip, and says; "impressive outline control, Peril," and settles down with the morning paper.

Illya grinds his teeth. Fine.

On their next mission, Napoleon finds all his silk and pure cotton boxer-briefs have been replaced with women's underwear. He looks bemused as he stares down at his open suitcase, before he simply clicks his tongue and begins to unpack.

It escalates. Napoleon finally retaliates by switching the leather band on his father's watch for a stripe of eye-wateringly bold pink. Illya puts purple glitter in his hair gel. Napoleon douses all his clothes in so much women's perfume Illya can't stop sneezing when he's forced to wear them without washing due to a time crunch on tailing a mark.

Illya sticks a note on Napoleon's back reading 'squeeze for a good time' with an arrow to Napoleon's ass, and Napoleon, somehow, manages to dye Illya's hair the same shocking hot pink as the watch strap.

(Illya still hasn't figured out how Napoleon did it.)

((Napoleon, all day, cannot even think about the way Peril stands there, fully suited, donning a ferocious scowl, hair all but glowing like a beacon without laughing so hard he almost dies of oxygen deprivation.))

Illya gets him back by painting Napoleon's door the most horrid shade of orange.

Four months in Waverly outright bans any form of retaliation on HQ property or grounds after Napoleon fills Illya's locker with wasps, which causes a building-wide shutdown.

LOOOOL listen they would make annoying each other into a competitive sport and it would end with HQ shutting down, I love it

Important considerations

I need to see Illya with pink hair, and of course Napoleon would make sure that it matches the watch, he does have this kind of attention to detail

I think that Illya low-key just wanted to see how good Napoleon would look with nail polish (answer: very good, damn him)

The horrid orange door is probably one of the things that got to Napoleon the most, because it really was just an insult, so distasteful Peril wtf, and it's a big contributing factor to the wasps incident, because Illya deserves it now

#though i'm terrified of wasps so actually no nobody deserves that JAIL FOR NAPOLEON JAIL FOR ONE THOUSAND YEARS #anyway they are idiots and i love them looool #napollya #napoleon x illya #illya x napoleon #the man from uncle #tmfu #not spn #ely replies #therogueheart