#those horrible things to me and I'd stand there and let her punch my limbs until they go numb like i always have

[featherymainffins]

Family is clearly just prolonging my and my mother's misery by forcing me to text her on special occasions and send her gifts, which is giving her false hope that her only boxing bag might come back and endure whatever she decides to take out on it again.

#if it were up to me I'd block her number and never even hear anything about her again #she made her choices and I swear to god i tried to be a good daughter and take them #when university told me that we should try to stay in contact with people in cults because it's much harder to get out without #a support system i tried to take it because of that if nothing else. i told myself that I'll take it. that I'll take it because maybe one #day she'll want out. i tried to. #maybe I didn't try hard enough I don't know. and if that's right then the universe can add it to my endless list of sins which makes me #not a human. the universe can add it to the list of reasons for why I'll never lead a happy life and why I'm better off dead. #that's what I've been told when i was growing up after all. #i tried to but it's just. it's her life or mine. and if she were mean just to me I'd let her take it. if it were just me I'd let her say all #those horrible things to me and I'd stand there and let her punch my limbs until they go numb like i always have #and I'd let her tell me that nobody will ever love me and I'd let her do her invasive checks of my body and I'd let her have those #episodes of searching through my entire room and breaking into my accounts to see if I'm saying anything about her ever to anyone #and calling my doctors and telling them that I'm crazy and not to believe a word i say. #I'd let her do all that as i always have. but she's horrible to my friends and horrible to strangers and it's just too much for me. #I don't want to hear that my friend killed herself in vain and I don't want to hear that you'll never use her name because #'it was just a year before he offed himself so it doesn't count.' #I don't want to hear any of it. i don't want to hear that all my friends hate me and I don't want to hear how horrible they are #and i don't want to hear slurs you use against them and I don't want to hear you say those things about random people you #meet on the street and i don't want to hear you passing moral judgement on strangers because of the way they do their hair #or the way they dress or the way they were born. #I don't want to hear that all my friends with tattoos are rotten and that cancer awaits them as punishment #I don't want to hear any of it. I'm sick of it. i don't want to hear 'youre a censoring bootlicker' whenever i say that i would like you #to tone it down. 'its my opinion. i have a right to free speech.' free speech is not saying that my friends should die.