#this sounds like the uninformed ramblings of a neurotypical and that's probably what they are im so sorry for sounding like an idiot lmao

[slutabed]

listen I PROMISE I'm going to try and get better about not posting stuff like this bc it just feels like im begging for attention and I promise that’s not the case, writing stuff out just helps. 

but therapy feels like such a scary step bc I feel like I've been dealing what I thought was depression since I was like, 16, but when my teenage problems ended and I got to college I thought that was just ~stress~ and then eventually I learned the term ~anxiety~ and just kind of went with that, the one time I went to a counselor she said I probably had anxiety bc it sounded like I didn't have depression so I just went with that, and idk. I'm equally torn between desperately wanting a diagnosis or an answer or something because sometimes I’m just so Not Okay, and I don’t want it to just be a moral failing or a character fault on my end, I want an answer and a way to help.

but then part of me thinks I can’t possibly have anything, like, Wrong with me, bc I have a good family and had a good childhood and I was smart and talented and successful growing up so it must just be me being lazy and dumb these days, right? and I just want a diagnosis because that absolves me from any personal responsibility.

and it sucks with the internet bc it’s so easy to look up a n y t h i n g and think that it’s possible to have it, so growing up in my teens I was like “this is depression” and then later “this must be anxiety” and then eventually things like “could this be XYZ?” and now it’s “oh obviously this must be ADHD” which now that’s the New Thing on tumblr so I feel like an idiot for even thinking I could have that, it’s like, oh you saw all the fake symptoms on tumblr and think you have this now??? don’t be stupid you would have noticed by now. and then there’s my mom saying “well everyone gets anxious” or “well everyone gets distracted” or “well no one LIKES doing those chores/unpleasant tasks/etc. you just have to get over it and do them” and like...half of me is like no mom I don’t like living this way I'd change it if I could and the other half is like she’s probably right! I'm probably just lazy and that’s the problem!!! 

and then half of me thinks about my best friend in high school, who had SO many of the same issues as me in high school who ended up being diagnosed with bipolar II and now I'm like....ahh. how would I even know if I had (not that specifically but) anything???? how do I Ask a therapist to tell me what's wrong with me lmao the only thing I know for sure of in my life was that I was bulimic for eight years and from that point on my relationship with food can only be described as Fucked. and that’s only bc I could very clearly look at the actions I was doing and say ah yes....that’s bulimia all right. 

it just sucks thinking about having to go to a therapist who doesn’t know me and unpack 26 years of *waves hand vaguely* whatever the fuck all of this is lol. when half the time I think I just have essentially what chalks up to Teenage Girl Syndrome which, like, is very valid and terrifying and traumatizing when you’re a teenage girl, but once you’re in your twenties, like...grow up lol. I've always just been immature for my age and I'm afraid that’s all this is, just me looking for excuses to not take responsibility for my actions.

I'm equally scared of them looking at me and going “yeah there’s nothing wrong with you” and looking at me going “oh there is SO much wrong with you, you should have come here years ago” bc based on the way my mom's understanding of mental health she is Not going to Get It if I do end up with, like, anything beyond anxiety.

#this is just a lot of mental health rambling so please ignore #vice dean laybourne voice I'm just going through some stuff #this sounds like the uninformed ramblings of a neurotypical and that's probably what they are im so sorry for sounding like an idiot lmao #like I very clearly don't know the difference between a therapist and psychiatrist and who does the Diagnosing of Anything so just like #ignore this probably best for ur health & mine