#this is something small mainly because I've been working on zine pieces | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lucylyall · 8 months

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Something I've really enjoyed about the last year is not needing to express myself.

Now, to be clear, I've created more stand-alone art pieces in the last ten months or so than I have in the past decade. I've worked with pencils, inks, markers, watercolours, digital painting, photography, all sorts – it's been amazing. But it's all been pretty much representational or educational – I've been drawing from life, recreating photos, making colour charts, things like that. There's been emotions in there, but I've not been trying to express my internal world beyond maybe 'I really like this plant, this show, these faces, this place', and it's been so … relaxing.

I love that art practice gives this opportunity, to just take a break from the Big Feelings. Working on comics always involved telling a story, and telling a story always involved saying something – having an opinion, making a statement, trying to express something about my world-view, even if it was very small. And I absolutely love doing that, but god it got exhausting sometimes. Trying to figure out what I wanted to say, whether I was saying it clearly, whether it was worth saying it at all, even whether it was actually downright wrong.

When I called this tumblr '4LS is taking a break' I think that's really what I've been taking a break from, though I didn't really understand that at the time. I just knew I was tired.

So this year, I've been able to make stuff like .... a painting of two onions and a potato. Maybe I'll look back in some years time and think 'I could do that so much better now' (actually, I kind of hope I will, because I'm actively trying to improve) - but I have full confidence that I will never look back at this and think 'What was I thinking saying that about onions?!' And people look at it, and they say 'That's a good painting of two onions and a potato', and I say 'Thank you', and that's … kind of the end of it. There are no opinions in there, and I've found it very restful.

I've been thinking about this now, mainly because I actually am trying to express myself again. And once again I'm up against thoughts of 'Is this right?' 'Should I be sharing this?' 'Is it saying what I want to say?'. The thing I'm making is very personal, and it's pretty ugly. In fact, it's ugly on purpose. I thought I was going to do a horror zine, and instead turning into a zine about my mental health. After ten months of trying really hard to make things that look good, I'm finally getting back into self-expression by vomiting up this ugly art baby that I'm not sure anyone else will like. And it's not relaxing like drawing onions … but I'm having fun, though. I'm remembering what I like about expressing my internal world on paper.

#art thoughts #zines #4ls misc

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