#this is another in lauryl and mine's series

[labellerose-acheron]

Under Pressure *** [Helle]

In which Belle thinks there is one explanation for why she’s been feeling under the weather...[takes place early July]

@trip-downtheriverstyx​

[tw -- discussions of abortion and medical anxiety, smol panic attack]

BELLE: It started with an inability to sleep. 

Belle could not rest. She woke from nightmares or she just didn’t sleep at all, her brain running and running and never slowing down. Most nights the last two weeks, she’d slunk from bed at some point in the night or she never made it to begin with, sitting down on the couch or up in the attic, reading and reading to escape her own thoughts. She worried about the twins, and what the magic drain might mean for them, what it meant for Hades, what it meant for Toulouse, and all of Swynlake. Would they have to leave? Where would they go?

And she worried about the Order. When she closed her eyes, she saw the face of the man she’d killed. She didn’t regret it, but that was what bothered her about it the most. That she didn’t regret it and she didn’t care. It made her paranoid that the Order would come again and they would punish her family for her actions. 

The last two weeks, Belle had done what she did best: threw herself into work and research. She spent every waking moment not at her actual job in the Swynlake archives, or working on the demon situation, or Amity’s case which was set for trial soon. She skipped meals and stayed up well into the night. Hades was running himself ragged too, attempting to find a solution. 

In the last week, she had started to feel rather faint. She ignored this. As she usually did when dogged and determined to find answers to a problem she had. It was barely even a thought. If it was easy to ignore, that was what she did. 

Until today, when it was no longer something she could ignore. She’d stood up and immediately sat back down to avoid a fainting spell. Cool sweat had broken out on her brow and her stomach twisted uneasily. The last time she’d felt sick like this--

And when was the last time she had gotten her period? 

Belle had left work abruptly. She went to the Market and then home, texting Hades that she needed him to come home when he was off work, no staying late--that she was fine. Probably. But she needed him. She hadn’t even thought about it, really. Belle didn’t want to face the possibility of a pregnancy without him there. As soon as the thought had popped into her head, it had consumed her. She felt sick to her stomach, anxious and worried now for entirely different reasons. 

When the door opened and Hades stepped in, the house was quiet. The twins were down for a nap, Opal was with Toulouse at the theater. It was just Belle, curled under a blanket on the couch, with a book in her lap and a mug of tea in her hand. She looked up at Hades and folded the corner of her book down. 

“There is tea still on the hob,” she told him with a pinched smile, which was more or less an invitation for him to sit down. 

HADES: Belle’s texts said she was fine, but everything else said otherwise. 

He could sense the panic from here, and unfortunately there were many things that could have caused such abrupt messages, such urgent requests. The first thing that sprang to his mind was the Order, breathing down their necks. That was the immediate threat to his family. The battles were not over, the war hadn’t been won– were they coming back? Had they sent some kind of threatening message? 

And then on his way home, even more possibilities sprang to mind. Something with the magic drain. Something with the demon. Something with the kids– but no, no, he would have heard of anything, Lou would have contacted them both if Aidan and Bellamy, for example, had been adversely affected by the drain (so far all it had done was help them both sleep much, much better, the only blessing in an otherwise shit situation.) 

It could be all of these things at once. 

It could be something brand new and terrible. As ambassador, and well, as mayor of Swynlake, there was always something to anticipate. Why not complicate his life further eh?

By the time he was home, Hades was not in the mood for tea. He wanted answers– or, he wanted information, so he could start brainstorming answers. Solving problems was the only thing that soothed him these days, even if most of the problems he solved came in the form of Wordle or the Daily Crossword. 

“That’s alright,” he said to Belle and he went to sit down on the couch. She looked stressed– a little pale, and the way she’d curled up told him that the text she sent was a lie. She wasn’t ‘okay.’ 

He immediately reached out for her, his hand on her knee a light touch. “What’s this about? What’s wrong?” 

BELLE: Hades scorned the offer of tea. 

Which meant he knew something was wrong. Not that that was surprising, Belle wasn’t being very good at hiding it. Having asked him to come home alone was probably enough to set off alarm bells. Even with her reassurance. She felt guilty about that, but--

She was also glad that he was here. The tension moved out of her shoulders when he sat down on the couch. Her breath evened out. It was better that he was here. It was the right thing. 

The guilt shifted as Belle did. She moved up against the pillows, her hand reaching out to cover his with her cold fingers. He wasn’t as warm as he usually was, but still warmer than her and that was comforting too. The guilt shifted into her ribcage, lodging there. She realized that maybe she should have taken the pregnancy test already. That way, she would just have the answers for him. She knew that he liked answers when a problem presented itself. Belle liked answers too.

Not that pregnancy was a problem.

Except that it was. 

That was what the guilt had turned into, not for worrying Hades but…how she already felt about the hypothetical of a pregnancy. 

She glanced away, her fingers nervously playing with Hades’, picking out up, letting it fall down, picking up the next. Her fingers slid over his wedding ring, tracing the jewels there. 

“I--came home early from work today. I haven’t…been feeling very well,” Belle told him quietly. She dragged her gaze to his face. “I almost fainted and I have been very--sluggish and tired.” It was hard to get the words out, but it would be worse if she didn’t say it. That much she knew was true. 

“It feels like it has before…when I was pregnant. I--bought a test, but I haven’t taken it. I wanted to…talk to you first.” Tears suddenly pricked at the back of her eyes, but she just blinked rapidly and sucked in a breath. 

HADES: Shit. 

As soon as she’d said the word (pregnant), his face had dropped. He was normally much better at guarding his expression. But Hades had been feeling like shite too. He’d also been sluggish and tired– and colder than normal– which he chalked right up to a combination of having his magic drained right from under his skin, plus the stress that came from being the mayor of a town with this problem. Of course he felt terrible. This summer was terrible. 

A pregnancy would make it more terrible.

He shouldn’t feel that way, but to him, it was fact. Belle couldn’t get pregnant while the Order was still at large, and magic was dying, and there was a demon in the bloody woods that the entire town knew about and were sharpening pitchforks over. The twins were also still so young. And he hadn’t thought– honestly, he didn’t want more children. As much as he loved them, three was one more than he’d expected to have. He couldn’t imagine not having either Bell or Aidan, but he also couldn’t imagine some invisible fourth child. 

And of course all of this was his fault. Or not exactly. He was careful. So was Belle. They took extra precaution. They didn’t even sleep together that often but– 

The guilt crept in anyway, along with the fear. He swallowed and took a breath, because he couldn’t be all those things. Much as he had to be strong and calm for the town, he had to be strong and calm for Belle too. 

“I see,” said Hades and he squeezed her hand. “Well– it’s possible you’re not, right? I feel tired all the time myself. We’re both under a lot of pressure. But, I’m–I’m here for you either way and we can talk about it…if it’s true.” 

BELLE: Belle watched as Hades’ face fell and felt her stomach twist. 

She was a bit surprised by it, though she shouldn’t be. This part of things was always a roller coaster. With Opal, they had been on such different pages. With the twins, Hades’ request had come as a total surprise to Belle--though, a pleasant one. And now…well, Belle wanted to believe that they were on the same page. That even with Toulouse, they couldn’t possibly handle any more children. Not with three toddlers and two full time--over full time--jobs. It was too much. 

It had felt like too much, even just with the twins, for Belle sometimes. And she thought back to that horrible conversation she only half remembered when she’d been recovering, about how she didn’t want any more children. Maybe, in another year or so, if things were more calm--

Though, Belle wasn’t even sure about that. Not because she didn’t love her children, but because she was terrified of being pregnant again, of giving birth. She still had nightmares about it. She still had pain, from time to time, when she twisted funny or picked up something particularly heavy. 

But that was the only conversation that she and Hades had ever had about it. That was a mistake, she saw now, because she didn’t know if he was saying what he was because of that conversation, or because he agreed with her. 

Despite herself, a tear, and then another, fell from her eyes and she used the hand that Hades wasn’t holding to wipe them away quickly. She sniffled, her breath stuttering in her chest. 

“I’m sorry,” she said, as it felt like the only right thing to say. Though, she wasn’t sure if she was apologizing for what she had said almost two years ago, or for the fact that she might be pregnant. “I-I have a test. I just…didn’t take it yet. I’ll, uhm…I can go do that.” 

She didn’t want to. She would rather stay and exist in the limbo of not knowing. There had never been a moment in Belle’s life where she hadn’t wanted the answers but--now? Well, she thought she already knew. There was no other explanation for the way that she felt. It was too similar. 

Belle got up, though. She let go of Hades’ hand and she went to take the test. 

She was back, not a few minutes later, setting it atop the packaging on the coffee table. Folding herself back onto the couch, this time she wrapped her arms around Hades’ bicep and pressed her cheek against his shoulder. 

“I’ve set a timer. It will take about five minutes,” she mumbled, sighing and feeling the exhaustion creeping over her again. She just wanted to sleep.

HADES: Belle got up to take the test and Hades did what he always did: approached the situation as logically as he could.

It felt obvious to him: neither he nor Belle wanted another child. They’d talked about it months ago, but they’d been on the same page then. Nothing had changed to indicate there would be a massive shift in opinion. They were both steady people, prone to swings to passion, but he didn’t think one of those would happen here, now, because of another baby. He couldn’t be 100% positive of course, but if he was trying to be rational and to predict the outcome… 

But just because he might know the solution didn’t make that solution any easier to stomach.

And so he stopped there. One could consider this character growth on his part. He shut down his own rationalizing, realizing it was as futile an exercise as getting upset or imagining the other way. It was best to smooth out his thoughts and expect nothing. Because it might be nothing. Because like he had said– they were both tired and suffering in their own ways. 

When Belle came back, she clung to him and Hades let her, putting a hand over the knee that was closer to him. This was probably better than anything he could say now too. There would be time to talk after the test. 

And so all Hades said was, “It’ll be alright, you know. It will. Either way. No matter what.” 

He believed it too; it was easy to believe, though, when the truth wasn’t staring you in the face. Hades was great at dealing with hypotheticals.

Eventually though, that time trickled down. It felt like it took a long, long time, even if it was only five minutes. 

He checked his watch. “Okay er… I– that’s it then, yeah? Are you ready?” 

BELLE: Time was up. 

Belle was not ready. Despite what Hades had said, her mind had gone racing in the last five minutes. She couldn’t have another child, but if she was pregnant--

She would have to get an abortion. Belle didn’t want to do that. It wasn’t because she had anything against the concept of abortions in the abstract sense, nor would she ever judge someone for getting one. Honestly, she’d never even really thought much about them. But, she felt like she might judge herself. It wouldn’t be easy. How would she rationalize Opal? Having twins? But not another child? Who would probably be just as sweet and wonderful as them? 

Belle didn’t want to, but she knew that she would. Maybe some would think that made her a bad mother, but she hoped that it could mean she was a good one too. She and Hades were already spread thin. Even with Toulouse helping, it wasn’t easy to have three children and big dreams. 

She shouldn’t fret until she knew for certain, but Belle couldn’t help herself. Every beat of her heart felt like it was squeezing her tightly. And she wasn’t ready to know the truth, even as Hades told her it was time. 

Eventually, Belle unstuck herself from him. Pulling away felt like some monumental task, like peeling apart magnets. Her hand was trembling slightly as she picked up the test. 

Just one line. 

The last time Belle had seen that line, she’d cried because she’d wanted a child so badly and it kept not happening. This time, she cried from relief. The test clattered back onto the coffee table and Belle covered her face with her hands, shaking her head as she wept. She wasn’t even sure why. Then again, Belle was often crying without really knowing why. 

At least it wasn’t bloody hormones.

“I’m sorry,” Belle said as her shoulders shook. She felt relieved and ridiculous and guilty. Her face burning red. “I-I’m sorry I worried you. I--really thought. I’ve been--been feeling so awful. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” 

HADES: Hades had no idea what Belle’s reaction meant. She started crying and it could mean anything in that second– a child or no child. 

And so Hades leaned forward quickly, taking the test up and seeing for himself. His whole body braced for impact. This was the hardest thing he felt he ever had to do, harder than defeating the Order, at least in that moment. He was ready to break down in tears himself, to hold Belle–

But there was just one line.

One line. Instant relief washed through him. His shoulders fell and he let the test fall too as he leaned back against the couch and let the news really sink in. They’d avoided it– avoided making a much harder decision, avoided trouble, more tests, more stress on their family and on Lou. But of course Hades also was conflicted with all this. He shouldn’t be this bloody happy, as if a baby was the worst thing possible.

Instead of lingering on his own feelings of guilt though, he shoved them aside and turned quickly to Belle, who was still crying.

He immediately put his arms around her and drew her closer, so her head could bury itself in the concave of his chest. Bloody hell, he wished his fire was brighter. He wished he was warm and fierce. 

“Shh,” he said gently, rubbing her shoulders like he could get her warmer that way or else hold her together. “Not your fault. Not your fault at all. It’s– like I said, we’ve both been feeling ill, I don’t blame you– hey, hey, look at me…”

He pulled away so he could wipe the tears from her cheeks. 

“Even if you were pregnant, it wouldn’t be your fault. We’re in it together, I told you.” 

BELLE: Hades pulled her into a hug, squeezing her against him. Her face buried in his chest automatically, her hands curling like a child’s. She realized as he held her that it was panic--anxiety, bubbling up and then crashing over her. Her breath came in little gasps and she was trembling slightly but between that realization and Hades holding her so tightly, she began to calm down, so by the time Hades pulled back, she was still crying, but she was breathing more evenly. 

Her hands followed his own, wiping at her face as she curled up small on the couch. 

Hades didn’t blame her, Hades didn’t think it was her fault. It wouldn’t be her fault if she was pregnant, but it would be a fault. It would be a problem. 

“I-I know,” Belle finally managed. “Sorry.” She didn’t know why she said it that time, maybe for making him doubt that she knew that, because she didn’t. She wasn’t afraid of having another child because of Hades. He was a brilliant father, probably a better parent than she was. He took to it naturally, felt such pride for his children. Belle still felt awkward and unsure most of the time. She loved her children, in theory, she wouldn’t mind more but--

She didn’t want to be pregnant again. Ever.

“I just really did not want to be--be pregnant and I feel awful thinking that way and I know the last time we talked about it; we didn’t even really talk about it. I-I just shouted at you and we fought and I never apologized. It was such--such a horrible thing to say at the time but…it’s still true and I don’t even know how you feel about it at all. I love our children but I just c-can’t do it again, Hades. The idea of being pregnant, of--of having another c-section.” Her head shook. 

Belle was not afraid of a lot of things, but just the thought of being cut open like that again, of all the pain and recovery; how she had been afterwards, the post-partum--she felt cold, just thinking about it. 

HADES: Eventually, Belle calmed. Her tears didn’t shake her body, though when she pulled away and he could look her in the eyes, they were still brimming there, spilling down her cheeks, one after the other, slow and gentle. He wished he could stop them entirely. But he also knew these tears were a culmination of a lot of things– of the past few weeks, even months. Though Hades didn’t cry often himself, he had cried enough in his life to know that sometimes it was the only medicine. Get it out, and you felt– clearer-minded. Fresher. Lighter.

So he let Belle cry. He let Belle talk. 

Truthfully– he didn’t even remember, all that clearly, the fight she was talking about. Oh, he knew that it occurred, but they’d fought a lot during those darker months. He tried to bury them under better news. He shouldn’t have done that, he saw that now. Belle was right. They hadn’t exactly talked… about a lot of things. 

“You don’t have to do it again,” he reassured her at once. Because no one should be made to go through something like that. Hades didn’t have any idea but–

“It was scary for me too,” he said. “I know– obviously, it wasn’t the same thing. But it was, scary for me. I wouldn’t want to put you in that position again, or make you feel lke it was something you had to do. And I know we haven’t really talked about it, but the last time we did– I still feel the same now as I did then.”

Hades took her hands and squeezed them. “I love our family,” he said in a softer voice. “I love Opal, Bellamy, Aidan, Lou– you. It’s the perfect size. I don’t think we need more kids. We’d probably have to get a bigger house if we did,” he joked lightly. “So don’t feel guilty when you’ve already given me so much.”

BELLE: You don’t have to do it again. Belle’s shoulders slumped in relief, just hearing that. She knew that Hades would never force her. He wouldn’t be able to. But--she also did not want a decision like that to cause strain between them. It was a relief to know that they were on the same page. In more than just logistics, she realized, as Hades continued talking. 

It was funny, in a morbid sort of way, for Belle to realize that she hadn’t given much thought to how Hades had felt that day. Mostly, because it was a blur and something she tried not to revisit with any frequency. But now, she did think about it. She had almost died. Again. It seemed as if she was doing that with some frequency. She felt guilty for that too. For scaring him. For not having thought how it must’ve felt for him, to make those decisions about her, for her. That wasn’t how their partnership worked. She was glad, of course, because it meant she was still here. 

Belle shifted on the couch, clasping Hades’ hand in both of hers and squeezing. “I agree,” she told him. “It is perfect, just the way it is. You all are--more than I ever thought I would get in my life and I would do it all over again for them, but--” Belle took in another shuddering breath, “--I can’t keep getting scared like this.” 

It had already happened once before, when she’d fainted and thought she was pregnant, thought she was--sick. (That thought still lingered in the back of her mind, her mum had died when she had only been five. Opal was almost four. And why else would she be feeling this way?) 

“T-the anxiety, I worry it will--affect other parts of our life.” This was still something that was difficult for her. She felt tongue-tied and like a silly little fool. All of her logic went right out of the window when the panic seized her mind. She could still feel the prick of it at the base of her skull. Her hands adjusted nervously around his. “Our--intimacy.” She made a little face, realizing she sounded like Claire.

“I-I don’t want that. I know--it’s not, well--it’s not a huge part of our relationship--” her face was red despite the crying. “But it is--still important. And I’m not sure--I am on birth control obviously, but that’s--failed us before. And if it…I would get an abortion but--I-I don’t like the idea of it.” 

She knew abortions were perfectly viable options for people in all sorts of situations, but she was married, and she was a mother already…she found it hard to justify for herself if only because she’d think about it and see another Opal, another Aidan, another Bellamy. Not to mention, considering her last ordeal at the hospital, she wasn’t keen on any more medical procedures anytime soon.  

HADES: He listened. These days, he was getting better at that. It came from therapy, yes, but also simply through experience. He and Belle had been married quite some time after all, and together a little longer than that. Through pure exposure alone– followed by trial and error– Hades had learned more about Belle’s communication style and what she might need versus what he thought might be best. It was still difficult for him to parse the difference at times, but he was improving.

And this was a conversation they’d had before, albeit a piecemeal version, in a different context. And so he listened, and to him, the answer was very obvious. 

It didn’t make sure to continue to put the burden on Belle. He used condoms, yes, but birth control pills were much more difficult– you had to remember them, there could be side effects, and down the line, concern about blood pressure and all that. He knew; he’d read about it, done his research. And an abortion was similar in that it was something Hades could not help Belle with. He couldn’t take on the burden. 

Hades was a man who believed in justice. In right and wrong. In black and white. He had stood before the scales and watched as a life was weighed in gold and in stones. 

Right now, if their relationship was a scale, Belle was carrying more of the weight. That was wrong. But Hades could fix it. 

“Then you won’t have to worry about that,” said Hades, squeezing her hand. “Look, I’ll just get a vasectomy. That’s the easiest option, isn’t it? And then we won’t have to worry about… about any of it. You can even go off birth control if you’d like, that’s completely up to you.” 

But this part of the equation, Hades could take care of. And it made him feel better, to have control again…over something. 

BELLE: Could it really be so simple?

Belle stared at Hades for a moment, trying to comprehend. She hadn’t even realized that she had been carrying this weight until right now, when Hades took it off her shoulders. Or, at least, put his hands under hers and lifted as well. 

“A-are you sure?” Belle asked, her brow knitting together. 

She knew nothing about vasectomies besides the term and the general concept. The recovery time for the procedure, what the procedure would actually entail--if there were risks, side effects. Birth control had all these things for women. Weight gain, weight loss, mood swings, depression, decreased sex drives, headaches, nausea, blood clots…she had done all the reading about those things when she had started taking it. 

Hades didn’t seem concerned. Maybe he had already looked into it? Or maybe, to him it didn’t matter. She knew how much he hated feeling like he could do nothing to help. 

“I would be the last person to ask someone else to get--some sort of procedure. Is it an easy option? I don’t know much about it.” She blushed again, more pink and sweet this time. She hated admitting to not knowing something. And she did feel a bit guilty considering he had done so much reading and research concerning her reproductive health for various reasons over the years, but she’d rarely given thought to his. 

“I-I’d like to learn more, but if--if that is something you’d like to do…it is your decision. I will support you either way.

HADES: Hades had done just a little research a long, long time ago. 

It had been after Belle was pregnant with Opal, during a time when Hades hadn’t thought she should get pregnant– starting school and all that. Not entirely on board with the pregnancy then, he’d turned to books to make him feel better. If he couldn’t prevent that pregnancy, what about future pregnancies? A vasectomy was one fool-proof option. 

But then he’d had little Opal and he had loved her more than he loved anything in the world. He had known right away that he wanted more children. Perhaps not a lot more but at least one more, and so the idea of a vasectomy fell to the wayside. And, just like many things in life, it got lost among the day-to-day ins and outs of being a parent. Just as Belle sometimes forgot to take her birth control, he forgot that a vasectomy was something he’d once upon a time been interested in.

But now it had come back around and he remembered. At least, he remembered some things. 

“I’m not an expert by any means, but I’m pretty sure it’s a simple procedure– much much easier than a c-section,” he said. Even this was an understatement, and he shuddered again to think of Belle having to go through that again. 

“It’s not something I’d even have to stay overnight for. I’m not sure about recovery time and all that… I’m sure there’s medication I’ll need to take, probably won’t be able to have sex for a bit–” that didn’t matter to Hades, unless the length of time was something like… a month or two. But he doubted it. “And I’m not sure about cost either, since it’s an elective procedure. But we can research all those things and if we think it’s a realistic option– honestly, I even read somewhere you can reverse them, pretty sure.” 

Not that Hades thought he’d change his mind. But if he did, it was nice to have a reset button. 

BELLE: All of that sounded…well, remarkably easy. 

It was surprising to Belle, considering everything that she had to go through with birth control and the like. And she found herself suddenly annoyed. Not at Hades, of course, but at the system that made those things different, both biologically and socially. Getting on her soapbox now would be silly and, honestly, she was far too tired for it but--really, if everything Hades said was true it was ridiculous that more men didn’t do it! 

She couldn’t hide the way her expression had suddenly soured, but she shook her head to clear her thoughts and then smiled at him. 

“Yes, that does seem like a rather good option in that case,” Belle agreed. “We don’t have to make a decision right now, we can look into it together. I can give you Tibbs’ number if you’d like, I am sure he is familiar with the procedure and can tell you better than anything you’d find online.” Belle would be calling him herself to discuss the matter, though she would also be doing other research of course. Just--when it came to medical things, there was no one she trusted more. He had always taken care of her, and she trusted him to take care of the people most precious to her. 

“Thank you.” She leaned in to kiss his cheek. She sighed and snuggled back into the couch, her arm slipping over his chest, her head on his shoulder. She needed a nap. “For being so understanding.” It was an acknowledgement of how far he’d come, because she did recognize the growth. It felt nice to be able to have a frank, open conversation. She felt better already. Mentally anyway; physically--that was another story. 

“I appreciate you,” she told him.

#swynhades #helle #under pressure #this was a nice para #i love helle #/pats them #this is another in lauryl and mine's series #PSA: vasectomies this time