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#the primary concern that kept me from suicide for years wasn't a hope for the future or a desire to live
funeralprocessor
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3 months
Text
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#I feel so alone and unable to connect with anyone
#I have to fight so so hard not to isolate myself but all I can ever really drag out of myself is just lurking at the sidelines
#terrified that saying anything (and thereby proving how annoying and shitty I am) will make even that too much to ask of others to tolerate
#and the moment anyone tries to reach out to me or comfort me all I can stand to do is put on a mask and redirect and assure them I'm fine
#so that I can go crawl into a hole and die alone
#or at least lick my wounds til they become scars
#the primary concern that kept me from suicide for years wasn't a hope for the future or a desire to live
#it was not wanting to upset whoever found me and make more work for whoever had to deal with the wreckage of my failed life
#even in death I feel bad for taking up space and being a bother
#If I had managed to find a nice place that nobody would ever find I think I'd still be there
#the moss and roots cradling moldering bones after my flesh had fed lives far brighter and more worthy than my own
#and I can't help but feel a little envious
#corpseposting
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