#that or that was my past life and now i'm freaking tf out bc capitalism had really fucked over people who aren't money driven

[beaversatemygrandma]

It’s rude that my pain isn’t transferring to my brain as pain but as tiredness.

Like. I know i hurt. I’m aware it’s there. But I’m not getting the full amount of pain that’s there so I’m just tired. Yes. It’s my wisdom teeth. Yes I need to get them out. And Yes. I have plans to get that shit started next month. But here i am wondering if i can even wait the month bc today threw me SO Fucking off guard.

Also it’s probably not right if i can rub where my wisdom tooth is on the outside of my cheek and feel pain inside my ear. That’s not okay. It’s not even localized and my brain is confused. All i know is my teeth hurt, which in turn is making me beyond tired, making my head hurt, and making my ears hurt, but yet I’m hardly feeling pain where the pain should be.

What worries me is that the problem tooth broke through the gum recently and is visible now. Like i can see just how angled it is and why it would be an issue. Now i’m concerned the last wisdom tooth will make an appearance before i can even get a date set for the surgery. Or if I’m going to be in pain the entire time I’m back in FL for a week and i won’t be able to enjoy it. Bc if i have a day like today down there, I’m gonna be pissed.

I’ve at least gotten comfortable (for lack of a better word) with the idea that I’m going to be down Half of my savings just by getting these teeth removed, which is a step in the right direction. I’m not comfortable with it though. Like i wasn’t going to get a job until i got my license but my teeth are preventing me from getting my license now bc every goddamn time I want to drive and log some hours, I Feel Like Hell. And even then, I don’t know if i even want to get a job around here. Because I’d HAVE TO Drive in this fucking city. I hate the city. It’s loud. It’s crowded. It’s overwhelming just stepping out of your front door. Just in the past couple weeks, we’ve narrowly avoided accidents bc of just how many morons there are out here. My dad was driving thankfully during one bc I was literally having heart palpitations bc my anxiety couldn’t decided whether or not to give me an attack at that point or what. Idk, but if i had been driving, I would’ve definitely had a panic attack bc of that dumbass changing lanes WHEN WE WERE LIKE THREE FEET AWAY. My dad had to slam on the fucking brakes just to not take out this asshole’s back headlights. Why is it so fucking hard for me to get my license when these chucklefucks are out there driving? Probably because Of Them. So fuck them. Use your blinker and look behind you dickwad. I just bought this car with my Fucking Savings. Don’t fuck it up more than it already has been (ALL NOT MY FAULT TOO). I spend thousands of fucking dollars to get my shit together and i still CANT GET MY SHIT TOGETHER.

I want to be an independent adult again. So Bad. This trailer is EXHAUSTING to live in. My youngest sister who i Literally didn’t even know existed until she was like 5 (I was 15 btw) is here and it’s just a damn headache bc she has Zero Lifeskills. Not in a normal child way (She’s 13 and should know better by now) but in a way that her mom didn’t teach her jackshit and was literally just so inattentive that this kid thinks she can get away with literally anything. She tunes out literally any and all words you say that are just trying to help her. Without even being condescending. You can literally tell her exactly how to fix something she was needing help with in the kindest way and she will ignore everything you say. No matter how many times you say it. Which leads my dad to getting Pissed Off (reasonably tbh. I get it now. I’ve yelled at her and I don’t yell.) which puts me back into the *family bad* brain and makes me want to Leave bc it stresses me out so bad. I don’t want to be responsible for her. I’m told I’m not responsible for her. Then here I am with her coming to me bc apparently she trusts me more (???) to help her and STILL WON’T TAKE ANY HELP. Or even me saying like “Hey can you do this so dad won’t get pissed off when he gets home and bitch both our ears off?” and she just rolls her eyes at me and walks tf away. And then guess what happens? Dad gets pissed and is bitching and bitching and Yelling. Like. I warned her. Now we’re both getting our ears talked off about this. Like, they say it’s her ADHD. I HAVE ADHD. That’s Not ADHD. Sure, i can see the symptoms, but this isn’t part of the symptoms. Idk what the hell is wrong with this kid but my dad says “she needs a female presence in her life and a sister works” and I’m just thinking ‘i want literally nothing to do with family.’ But supposedly i help. I don’t see how. But I help? Idk but this kid is a headache bc it genuinely hurts to try your damnedest to be a helpful elder sibling only to be treated like somebody you couldn’t give a shit about. And I’ve literally told her “Hey, can you listen?” or “Can you please stop scoffing at me and rolling your eyes at me when I’m Answering Your questions?” And it’s still the scoff, rolling eyes, and just tuning me out. Like I KNOW why dad is ALWAYS Pissed with her now. And I can’t deal with this.

I want to take the offer of rooming with my friend in FL. There’s space. It’s somebody I trust with my fucking life and somebody I’m 100% comfortable with. I’m close to my mom and sister down there (Who oddly i miss? I didn’t think I’d miss being with my mom. But I miss being with my mom esp now that she doesn’t have that redneck neo-nazi stinking up the place) Sure, they have cats and I’m allergic to cats. But that’s a hit i can take and not these fucking emotional ones. And ya know. Not the Fucking City, where I’m woken up by trains and planes and trucks in the middle of the damn night. I thought that town in FL was big and loud and annoying. No, it’s just near civilization and not in the middle of nowhere (which I’d rather but that’s unconventional in these ages). It’s calm there. There’s less than 900,000 people there. (NO WONDER PEOPLE HERE ARE SO FUCKING AGGRESSIVE. Near a damn million. Packed in here like damn sardines.) Just a manageable 14,000. Yeah, it’s hot and touristy and i hate FL politically and for its climate. But. It’s not This. And I hate This more.

But I can’t do that until i can drive, have my wisdom teeth out, etc. But that small small list seems manageable. It seems like it should be easy. But every task on the list had like 28 different subtasks which are KILLING ME. Then my dad brings up the remote job possibilities again. Which have decent pay and all. But idk if i can do that. Then again, Idk if i can do any of this.

...The only thing i have to look forward to rn is going back to the hometown for a week and it’s fucking depressing. There hasn’t been a single shred of anything positive around me other than that and it’s taking a toll. I can’t do this anymore but I don’t know how to change it.

Maybe i will just get my wisdom teeth out, speedrun the 60 hrs needed for my drivers’ test and just dip out and head back home. Even if i can’t get a good paying job quite yet, I’ll be able to go back to my old stomping grounds at panera where I know the place and can live through that until i can get a good paying job. At least I know the area and I know i’ll be comfortable there. Yeah, I’ve never had a safety net from parents and had to build my own but now my own net is slowly deteriorating and I’m panicking about it. And now my mom is down there acting as if she’d finally step up and give me one, but my sister who’s still with her can’t even get one and has been working her ass off just so she can move tf out at 18 like I did. But at least she’s doing it for college and got into a school further south. I’m proud of her for that. I guess that’s what happens when you’re the only neurotypical one in the family. She’s doing great out there. Yet here i am, five years older than her and still struggling with the same damn thing i was when i was still back home.

All of it just kinda goes back to money and not being able to afford or understand how to receive healthcare. There’s meds and care i need and surgeries I’m terrified to receive and literally nobody understands or tries to help. My dad thinks he’s helping when he says “just call these places” when it really doesn’t bc just THINKING about calling those places gets my heart racing and me ready to cry.

Like it is now, but at least it dulled the pain I’m in somehow.

#taks speaks #some personal shit #teeth pain makes me wanna die. that's all #i wish i was physically able to take naps rn #but no anxious brain says 'no sleep unless everybody else is sleep' so that's impossible #i was able to when i lived with my roommate #so it's an exclusively family related anxiety so thats fun #I want to be back in FL man #it sucks there but this sucks more #just learned there's nearly a million people in this city and that explains So Much #it has twice the population of miami which i thought was one of the biggest cities in FL. It's not. #like thanks i hate this #get me away from people now #i'm remembering why i hate people #i really do wish it was more conventional to live out in a town with a couple hundred people in the middle of nowhere #but all that's out there is food and healthcare deserts #i'd have to drive thirty miles just to find a walmart or a hospital #but life out there is so calm and not as anxiety inducing #I feel like i was meant to be a simple farmer with no worries other than their animals if capitalism wasn't in my way #that or that was my past life and now i'm freaking tf out bc capitalism had really fucked over people who aren't money driven #or well. even if you are. you can't succeed bc there is no getting more money than what you were born with #unless you were born with millions