#that maybe i'll never end up posting bc its a bit too dark and idk how yall feel about suicidal dark depressed macau with body dysmorphia

[taikanyohou]

sometimes you'll just open your notes app and-

Macau gets it. Being in love and being loved looks wonderful on Vegas. Being trusted and honoured and appreciated for his dedication and diligence to his work looks befitting on Vegas.

But, Macau misses his big brother.

He shouldn't, because that's being selfish. That's asking Vegas to carve out some time and attention for him too, when Vegas already has his hands full. He's got more important things to focus on now.

So, Macau chooses to stay silent.

Or maybe it's a lesson to learn, that he isn't a child anymore. He can't keep on going to Vegas for every little thing. He can't keep on relying on Vegas.

But then, who else does he go to? Who else will love him? Who else will understand him and everything that he's gone through?

He remembers how, at school, when he was 9 years old, his class teacher gave them all a task to share with the class who their favourite superhero was. Macau said it was his big brother, Vegas. He remembers how some of the boys around him sniggered at his reply, whispering about either how lame or incorrect his answer was, but he didn't find it funny, and he wasn't ashamed, and he didn't care. Then, when he was 12, they were asked to write a parapgraph on their best friend and to read it out loud to the class. Macau wrote about his big brother, Vegas. The boys in his class still sniggered. He still didn't care. Then, at 15, they were told to improvise a speech lasting 3 minutes long only, on the most important person in their life. Macau talked about his big brother, Vegas. They still sniggered, and he still didn't care.

Now, at the brink of turning 18, if he were asked all those same questions once again, his answer to them would still remain the same.

Macau's whole life has been shaped by Vegas. He's been not just a big brother, but a parent and a best friend and a role model too. He idolises him. He owes his whole life to him.

And that means coming to terms with the fact that, just like how Vegas has devoted his whole life in raising Macau, its now time for Vegas to devote the rest of his life in him putting himself first. And for Macau, that means him needing to realise his place in it.

He's just not sure where he stands in all of this. He doesn't want to overstep and end up tainting and damaging the good Vegas has in his life now. He doesn't want Vegas to ever turn around and look at him, only to remember his past and have that weigh him down heavy. Not when Pete, Vegas' light and his future, is right there with him.

#feeling some type of way lately semi sad and melancholic and i'm spilling it all and dumping it onto macau and writing something #that maybe i'll never end up posting bc its a bit too dark and idk how yall feel about suicidal dark depressed macau with body dysmorphia #like im just using him as emotional punching bag at this moment in time and dumping onto him. #bc macau is such a blank canvas i can take him to any length i want to and make him as sad and depressed as i wanna. #but like i said idk how the general audience would take that bc he isnt exactly shown as such but that wont stop me from personally doing #so. so yeah. i just wanna make him feel the most lonely. make him feel like he's going to ruin everything with his existence for vegaspete. #so he just ends up shrinking himself away. both physically and emotionally. #its twisted and fucked up yeah but i want to do that to him. #anyway this is all word vomit. #faiza talks #vegasmacau