#tbh there's a longer post on this incoming at some point I'm passionate about this issue | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cheekblush · 3 years

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if you dont mind me asking, (if you do mind, you don't have to answer!) how do you deal or cope with not being sure about yourself especially with the pressure of being in an immigrant family and ending up having to take an unconventional route of life compared to the one they wanted for you/want to live through you sort of ?.... i've been feeling my family's projection of their insecurities which i understand but it's so emotionally exhausting for me i'm having a weird time mannnn sometimes i feel like i should just give in to their requests of career routes they want me to take but it makes me want to kermit soupcider lolll

oh boy... where do i even begin.. this is a topic that is very personal to me and triggers a lot of emotions but i'll try to reply to the best of my abilities. i already know this will get way too long so i'll put it under a read more..

firstly of course - hello dear! 🌸 i'm sorry to hear that your family is projecting their insecurities on you and is pressuring you to choose a career path that is not to your liking (smth very common in immigrant families i believe unfortunately 🙃) right off the bet my advice is to not just give in to their requests in order to please them! you should really take some time for yourself to think what it is you're genuinely interested in and passionate about and try to pursue a career that you can actually imagine yourself working in for the majority of your life - much easier said than done i know. but if the mere thought of taking on the career paths your family is suggesting brings you so much discomfort then imagine how much more miserable you'll be actually pursuing those careers just to make them happy! as difficult as it is, sometimes your own wellbeing and happiness should be your priority bc at the end of the day this is YOUR life and you have to be content with it. and sadly we live in a society where a job makes out a huge portion of our lives, so it only makes sense to pursue one that actually brings you some kind of joy or at least doesn't make you want to "kermit soupcider" (i should start using this shahajka) as you pointed out yourself. so please take your own interests into consideration and what you want out of life in general - maybe a prestigious career is just not what you desire and that's okay! and don't neglect or compromise your own happiness for your family's sake! your decision will most likely not be met with excitement or support but again this is your life and you are responsible for your own happiness 💛

as to how i deal with my family's projections on and expectations of me... i honestly don't even know.. i think i've just gotten used to being a disappointment to them at this point (sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear.. i don't really have good coping mechanisms to offer 😔) there is just so much guilt and shame in letting them down and not living up to their expectations. in my case it's even worse bc on top of not pursuing the career they wanted me to, i am no longer pursuing the career path i chose myself either bc it impaired both my mental and physical health severely. and i'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that something i worked so hard and long for and that my parents invested a lot of money in essentially didn't work out.. and that's a huge burden i carry around all of the time (tbh i need therapy just for this issue 🤡) so on top of going against their wishes, i failed to successfully pursue my chosen career and ultimately am left with nothing.. no respectable job, no income and i have to restart at square 0. so you can probably imagine the guilt, shame, embarrassment and humiliation i feel constantly... and i think with immigrant families especially there is even more guilt bc your parents made so many sacrifices in order to provide you with a better life so it always feels like you owe them something.. like you need to earn your right to simply live and be... like you need to prove your worthiness bc you need to pay them back for all the sacrifices they've made. like you need to show them it wasn't in vain and that you can provide for them. this actually reminds me of this screenshot from this post :

(i go more in depth about my personal situation in the tags of that post in case you're interested or might relate)

i think that's what hurts me the most bc i so desperately wanted to prove that i'm worth it. i so desperately wanted to be able to provide for them, to take care of them, to give them everything they deserve and need and it's so heartbreaking to realize and accept that i won't be able to do that... and if i would've pursued my career further, worked myself to the ground, neglected my own wellbeing and health even further i might've been able to do that. i probably would've gotten a well paid job at some point but at the cost of my own health and wellbeing. and would that be worth it? as guilty as i feel for letting them down and as disappointed as i am in myself, ultimately i did what was best for my own wellbeing. and that's what i suggest you should do as well. as selfish as thay may sound, we do not need to own our right to live even if our parents did make a lot of sacrifices for us (this reminds me of another great post ) obviously i do not know what relationship you have with your family or your dynamics and i don't want to discuss mine further as i've already overshared waaaaay too much 🙃 but we need to put our own needs and wishes first sometimes without beating ourselves up and blaming ourselves - again easier said than done bc i still frequently blame myself and just feel crushing guilt but we have to forgive ourselves very, very, very frequently! and i realize that our situations aren't entirely similar as you are still in the midst of choosing a career path and i already did and unfortunately it didn't work out as planned (but that's life.. also smth i'm trying to come to terms with) but i hope that this (way too lengthy) reply is at least a little helpful or reassuring for you. this probably isn't the reply you were hoping for... i'm sorry i can't provide you with any concrete suggestions or advice on how to cope with your family's demands while being insecure about yourself and your life bc i pretty much still deal with the exact same thing and it's still affecting me very much and causing me a lot of distress. but i do believe the key is to unapologetically create the life you want despite your family's objections, discard all guilt and shame, forgive yourself often and accept things for what they are, especially if you can't change/control them. once again much easier said than done (i know i keep repeating myself please bear with me 😭) but that's what i'm trying to live by as of now and i hope it helps you somehow 💌

finally, i wish you the very best for all your future endeavors and sincerely hope that you receive your family's support even if you choose a path that they are not thrilled with. i hope you have the strength to forgive yourself when faced with failure and that you'll be able to abandon any shame or guilt that might arise. most of all i wish you an abundance of happiness, serenity, prosperity, love, health and peace of mind 🤍🕊🎐 take care of yourself and don't be afraid to put yourself first! may the remaining year treat you gently and bring many blessings your way 💗🌟🦋🍀🥠🧿🏮

#this got LOOOOONNNGGG 😭😭😭#it took me over 2 hours to type this out in my notes app bc i kept adding and removing things but it got way too long anyways 💀#i just hope this is of any help for you bc even though this got so long & i said so much at the same time i feel like i said nothing at all #or nothing of substance???#and again sorry i wasn't able to provide you with concrete coping mechanisms this is such a difficult topic for me but i tried my best :(#tbh i'm very surprised i didn't cry while typing all this that's growth i guess shjsjwjwn #anyways i sincerely hope this helps you somehow and that everything falls into place for you 💗 i'm rooting for you 💌#replies #anonymous #to all my immigrant children: i'm sending you the biggest hug and forehead kiss you deserve the WORLD 💖

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