#tbf that's literally how i got my first crush BUT WE DON'T TALK ABT THAT !! yk sometimes i unconsciously wonder abt her or look for her and

[semiotomatics]

clouds' healthcare journey, pt. 2

so for anyone who remembers the post I made recently abt me chronicling my healthcare journey (which I ended up deleting in a fit of utter rage and despair a couple days ago, you'll understand why shortly), you'll be pleased to know I finally managed to get an appt at a local clinic on wednesday. if you wanna hear how it went, it's below the cut:

so I spent literally hours beforehand going over my symptoms, their triggers, the exact nature and severity of the pain they put me in, laying it all out on a timeline and rehearsing how I would explain it so that the dr would actually listen to me. I knew exactly what I wanted to ask/demand and what I wanted them to provide. I was shaking, I was so terrified, but I was also the tiniest bit hopeful. I felt so much more prepared than any other time I'd gone to see someone, I figured I had at least a chance of getting somewhere this time.

nope. I don't know that I've ever met a more dismissive, less sympathetic dr. I started out explaining about my recent injury and he immediately cut me off and asked if it was a work injury or not, and if so, if I reported it. I got flustered explaining that the injury was only part of the problem, that this has been a chronic issue for years, and he was like "oh, well you can only claim workers comp if it's a new injury". that's not?? what I asked?? but okay.

I tried to explain my situation but he barely let me get a word in. I mentioned I had pain in my lower back potentially caused by my scoliosis and he had me stand up and do a ROM test, then he did the scoliosis-check-by-feel and was like "who diagnosed you with it" and I was like "I have x-rays" and he was like "well it's very mild, also your ROM is fine" and I was like OKAY, ALSO NOT THE POINT OF MY VISIT.

so at this point I was getting v upset and flustered and thrown off track. we sit back down and he starts explaining how "back/foot pain is very normal, you're young, you need to exercise to prevent it" and starts talking abt physio. I cut him off and say "I've tried physio, it didn't help" which is an oversimplification tbf but I didn't want him to just refer me to physio and call it a day. then he explains "well it's not going to fix it you have to keep going" and I snapped at him (cause I was getting VERY upset by this point) "I don't want to have to go to physio for the rest of my life". also at some point, I don't remember where, he was like "also maybe lose some weight" at which point I just saw red.

holding back tears, I told him "this is not normal, I have been in debilitating pain almost every day of my life, I know other people my age and weight and they don't experience this, other people don't have to go to physio every week, something is wrong with me". he just kind of sighed and said "what do you want" and I said "I want to be tested I want to be diagnosed I want to find out what's wrong with me and I want to know if it can be fixed and how".

he started talking about how he can't just refer me to a specialist he has to do tests first, blah blah blah, and I was like "so do the tests!!" so he started writing a prescription? thingy for me to get x-rays and by that point, even though getting x-rays was one of my goals for the appt, I felt utterly defeated. I took the slip and barely said another word to him before I left.

I sobbed the entire walk home, and then I sobbed myself to sleep. I was being crushed by the weight of what, at the time, felt like an inevitability: that I would never get help, I would never be fixed, I would be in pain for the rest of my life and nobody would even believe me if I tried to explain it. the thought of having to fight tooth and nail just to have my pain be acknowledged was too much for me. I already had to fight my own anxiety, and our broken healthcare system, just to get an appointment, and all it ended up doing was traumatizing me even more. so what's the fucking point of even trying.

anyway, I feel marginally better now. I still have the referral for an x-ray that I do intend to go through with, though I'm desperately hoping I don't have to go back to that dr to discuss the results. luckily there's dozens of clinics around that I can go to, though hopefully it won't take dozens of appointments to find a dr who's sympathetic and competent at their job. it sucks absolute ass, but I'm not giving up yet. stay tuned next time for more thrilling adventures in the Canadian healthcare system!

#this has been an original post #personal spewage #clouds' healthcare journey #wish i hadnt deleted the first post but oh well #it was overly dramatic anyway