#talaiporia... your friends didn't get the chance to learn your real name. but i knew it. and i think that might have been what mattered mos

[runawayfuture]

my first d&d character was an elf ranger/herbalist whose personality was heavily influenced by me listening to sufjan stevens' album "carrie and lowell" constantly during that period of my life and he had a tragic backstory that included someone very close to him dying (which was a trauma i was dealing with myself) and him being rejected by his family because of circumstances out of his control. he was young and quiet and lonely and sad and chose to be kind and loving despite all he had been through and he had a special soft spot for children.

when i look back on it, i can see how much i projected into him, and i wish that campaign hadn't fallen apart due to people leaving for college and the dm having personal issues that made him unable to continue running the game, because i think it would have been nice to give that character a happy ending, but i also wonder if it was better this way. because the character had a lot of importance to me emotionally, i'm not sure whether it's better to give him closure or to keep his story open... if his journey never finished, then maybe mine won't either. if there's an uncertainty to it, if i don't know whether he found happiness in the end, then i can hope for him to gain what he needed, just as i can hope it for myself. maybe it's better to let him go on without a definite ending. maybe... i can stay with him, and he can stay with me, and we will brave our own worlds in our own ways. we are both incomplete, but i think that's all right for now.

#this was going to be a joke about being surprised that i didn't turn out gay bc it felt like a stereotypical gay teen experience #but it grew beyond that pretty quickly #and now i'm struggling not to cry because i've unlocked emotions i didn't know existed somewhere deep in my psyche #i knew that this character was important to me #but i don't think i realized exactly how important until just now #talaiporia... your friends didn't get the chance to learn your real name. but i knew it. and i think that might have been what mattered mos #and now i really am crying #rambles