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streamsofstardust · 9 months

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safe & sound | d.r.w x s.f.k

danny wagner x sam kiszka

word count: 8,315

content warnings: descriptions of violence, detailed descriptions of murder as a means to survive, severe depression, nightmares, danny is Not Okay, self isolation, attempt at suicide, sam has the biggest heart, tons of angst…. like so much angst and sadness, sam is reactive and hot headed but he feels bad about it, happy gay endings

summary: 5 years after the winning the hunger games, danny has moved on to a new life, one where he gets the creative freedom to create music in a band with sam, jake, and josh. but for danny, being outside the arena doesn't mean the fight is over.

a/n: so this came from a concept karou lovingly shared with me recently. we're both obsessed with it and i had so many ideas popping into my head when we talked about it that i decided to write something to go along with a specific part. I'm kind of in love with it and it might be in my top five favorite fics that i've written

that said, this fic is genuinely one of the saddest, most intense things i've ever written and i cannot stress this enough but if you're not comfortable with depictions of suicidal ideation or suicide attempts, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS.

Moving into a shared residence in the Capitol was moderately unsettling. Most of the people Danny encountered only saw him as the unlikely and unexpected champion. He didn’t feel like he’d won anything, sometimes even wishing he hadn’t made it so far. But there he was, in a new home with new people who only vaguely knew of what he’d gone through. The Kiszkas had spent an eternity together, one never knowing life without the other two by his side.

They hadn't been thrown into the Games.

They didn't have blood on their hands.

If Danny was closed off, more reserved, and quieter than the other three, it was because he no longer had a proper sense of how to just exist. He no longer knew how to truly interact with other people; he hadn’t for a few years now. It turned out murdering five people while they were unable to defend themselves had that effect. He tried to be normal, tried his hardest to go back to the fun, extroverted man he was before the Games. This proved to be extremely challenging.

Danny hoped one day someone would be able to bring him back to the world of the living. That one day someone would hear his story and understand he had no choice. That they wouldn't praise him for being a victor, but rather console him for what he had to do to get there. That they’d understand how hollow he’d become.

He hoped one day someone would be the reason his smile wasn't forced or fake. The reason he could feel whole again.

Most nights, Danny never tried to fall asleep. Sleep meant subconscious thoughts would come to the surface, visions of the horrible things he endured, the horrible things he did. He protected himself in that arena, saved his own life during the Games, but at what cost? He hadn't known peace since the night he left home.

When he sleeps he dreams and when he dreams, the nightmares replay. He’ll never forget it: the feel, the smell - metallic and horrendously pungent - of blood on his hands. How the warm, red liquid seeped into his clothing, trailed down his arms, splattered on his face. He had sat in the carnage for longer than he wanted to. While his brain had told him to run, to flee as fast as he could, his body was immobile. And so, the image of the bodies, the lives he took, resided permanently in his tortured mind. Danny saw it as instantaneous karma, as if the world was saying “you committed this atrocity, and now you’ll suffer the consequences.”

None of this had been shared with his new cohorts. Bandmates. Brothers.

– –

A long day of band practice left Danny feeling drained, more so than usual. He loved playing and he enjoyed every minute he spent with the Kiszkas, but still, he was tired and ready to retreat to his bedroom - to solitude - for another night of restless sleep plagued by never ending loops of nightmares. Ones he could never truly wake up from because he’d actually lived through them.

The Kiszkas rarely questioned why he constantly rejected their offers to hang out after practice. It wasn’t personal, he’d made that abundantly clear, but despite five years having passed, he still wasn’t comfortable letting his guard completely down. He was in the band out of obligation. Not that he would give up the opportunity, the freedom creating art gave him, but it wasn’t as though he’d volunteered to be thrust into the spotlight. He was thankful his drum kit remained at the back of the stage, out of direct light, furthest away from any crowd they performed for.

So, as he typically did, Danny went to his room and shut the door, not bothering to turn on any lights. He stripped out of his clothing, save for his boxer briefs, and climbed into bed. He still hadn’t gotten used to the comfort of it. How lavish it was compared to what he grew up with. There were many things he wasn’t sure he’d ever get used to. Every day that passed was one he had to force himself not to fear.

It wasn’t particularly late, maybe around 11:30 at night, and he knew the others would likely be awake until 2:00 am at the very least. Even then, they’d be asleep before Danny. Tonight, though, he felt especially tired. As he crawled under his comforter, he found himself repeating the same motions he did every night: reminding himself of the times before the arena.

He recalled sitting by the fire with his father, listening to him recount stories of brave warriors who saved lives and slayed monstrous beasts. He thought of his sister, how they’d run around as children catching fireflies and picking flowers to decorate their house. And he thought of his mother and her sweet smile that lit up every room she walked into. He thought of the times he and his sister would help their mother cook meals, taking notes for each recipe to one day do the same with their own children. He thought of nights where the four of them would gather in the living room, staying warm by the fire and just enjoying each other's company.

Slowly, he felt the calm wash over him and his body gave into the slumber it so badly desired.

Then, against his will, he was struck with the cruel reminder of how the three most important people in his life were mercilessly slaughtered for protesting Danny being selected to represent their district in the Games. He gasped as his eyes shot open, trying his hardest to catch his breath and calm his furiously beating heart. A stray tear fell from his right eye, the salty water feeling like fire on his skin. He quickly wiped it away, sniffling and shaking his head before closing his eyes.

That was another piece of information the Kiszkas didn’t know. Another look into his troubled mind and traumatized existence that he kept to himself.

Once more, he tried to calm himself down, and eventually he was able to fall asleep. It was peaceful for a moment, no dreams whatsoever, and that rarely happened. Of course, though, it didn’t last - it never did.

Suddenly he found himself back in the arena, just barely 16, wide eyed and nervous, having no idea how he’d possibly survive. His training scores were embarrassing, but he was tall, naturally muscular, and incredibly broad. His facial features had him standing apart from the others in a way that brought him more attention than he’d ever experienced before, and then it didn’t matter how poor his scores were; the public adored him, dubbing him their favored gentle giant.

It was that persona that allowed him to fly under the radar when the Games began. He hadn’t made any attempts at finding allies, instead focusing on merely staying alive as long as he possibly could. On the seventh night, he began noticing a distinct flower appearing around the arena- henbane. A beautiful and deceiving plant that had killed off several of his family’s livestock. He backed away from the plants, having no desire to fall victim to its effects.

He found a place to hide and looked around at his opponents. At that point there were only five others left, and they’d gotten far because of their alliances. He watched the tributes huddle together in an open space not too far away from him, staring in wonder as they fell into states of delirium and hallucinations from the henbane that surrounded them, eventually passing out on the ground.

Danny was familiar with the deep state of unconsciousness henbane caused. He knew there was little that would wake them up, and most, if not all of them, would fall into comas they’d never wake up from. It was too easy to take advantage of, so he did.

He quietly stalked over to the group, careful to avoid the poisonous plant, and reached for a dagger that had fallen from the hand of a tribute from District 2. The metal felt heavy in his hand, but the knowledge of what he had to do with the weapon weighed heavier on his mind. Back home, he’d helped his father kill cattle, but that was a necessity - a means to survive.

Then again, he figured this, too, would be a necessity. Without giving himself another moment to reconsider his choice, he walked up to each of the sleeping tributes and slit their throats with the stolen dagger. Blood sprayed everywhere, covering his hands, his clothes, his face.

When he was done, and all five tributes were dead, Danny stood up and looked at bodies below him. He was shaking, barely able to catch a breath, and he felt tremendously dizzy. All he could smell was blood, and he felt sick. He wasn’t sure how much time passed while he stood there, completely immobile. In the distant parts of his brain, parts that were still able to process his surroundings, he heard the Canon go off. Each boom signifying the death of a tribute.

He had won. It was over.

But like it did most nights, the dream restarted, eventually only replaying the moment the blade in Danny’s hand sliced through the still warm flesh of those five tributes. It was too much, too much, too violent, too real too real too real too-

“DANNY!”

His eyes shot open, adjusting to the darkness of the room and witnessing Sam’s terrified face.

He wasn’t able to respond yet, his brain still replaying scenes from the Games. His mouth was dry and his eyes were frantically moving around the room as he attempted to ground himself with familiar sights.

Sam was hovering over him, one of his hands gripping Danny’s right upper arm. His entire body felt overheated, but somehow, the warmth of Sam’s hand felt different. A completely separate warmth.

“Sam? What are you - How did you get in my room? Why are you here?” He didn’t mean to come off sounding so harsh; Sam certainly didn’t deserve any attitude from him.

“I woke up to the sound of you screaming. I didn’t even realize it was you at first, but when I did I rushed over. Your door wasn’t locked so I- I came in and,” His words trailed off as he took in Danny’s appearance. His curls were a mess around his head, the bags under his eyes were incredibly prominent, and there were beads of sweat slowly dripping down Danny’s tanned, bare torso. He stopped himself from looking at that part of his friend any longer; he needed to focus.

“Dan, you were thrashing around like a fish out of water, screaming bloody murder.”

Danny physically recoiled at Sam’s words. He had no idea how accurate they were, but Danny wasn’t about to tell him.

“I’m fine, Sam. Go back to your room.” Danny turned away from him, grabbing his blankets and pulling them up to cover his upper body, despite feeling like he was about to melt from the heat.

“You’re clearly not fine. You know this isn’t the first time I’ve heard you, right? The twins might be too far away in their rooms, but I’m right next to you, and I’m not deaf. I know you don’t want to tell us about what happened, you know, back- back then, and you don’t have to, but at least let me be there for you.”

Sam still hadn’t moved from Danny’s bed, and he had no intention of doing so anytime soon. He cared about the drummer more than he could put into words, and had for as long as he’d known him. And sure, maybe they’d only personally known each other for about a year, but Sam knew he was something special when he found out Danny won the Games. Admiration quickly turned into adoration, and feelings he wasn’t familiar with blossomed too fast for him to take a second to question them. The twins knew how Sam felt, but Danny didn’t, and given what could be at risk if the truth came out, they kept that information to themselves. They’d made that same decision when Josh had come out to him and Jake years prior.

So no, Danny wasn’t fine, and no, Sam wasn’t going to leave him alone. He had too much love in his heart to walk away from someone he cared so deeply for. He still hadn’t received a response from Danny, and he nudged him, hoping to get his attention. When that accomplished nothing, his first thought was Danny had somehow fallen asleep again. He then realized he knew better, him and the twins being well aware of how little sleep their drummer got on a nightly basis, so instead, he mustered all the strength he had and rolled Danny onto his back.

Danny’s eyes stayed closed, but Sam watched as tears trailed down his face, into his unruly curls. He reached forward, softly wiping away the tears and cradling Danny’s left cheek in his hand. It was that touch that prompted Danny to finally open his eyes, and when he did, Sam felt his heart shatter.

“Oh, Dan…” Sam whispered. He felt tears of his own forming in his eyes, not able to help the reaction he had to seeing his friend in such a state.

“I don’t want to talk about it Sam, I can’t- I-” Danny found it hard to fully put into words what he wanted to say, stuttering over each one that managed to spill out of his mouth.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to. You don’t have to tell me anything, okay? I’m not going to push, Dan, I promise. If you want to be alone, I can g-”

“Wait!” Danny’s hand wrapped around Sam’s wrist as the bassist moved to stand up. “N- no. I-” He couldn’t bring himself to ask the question lingering on his mind, only letting out a soft “please?”

Danny looked up at Sam through his long, dark lashes. He’d stopped crying, but the red hue surrounding his hazel irises burned. He dropped his head and rubbed his eyes with his free hand, the other still firmly holding onto Sam.

When Sam looked at where Danny held him, his chest constricted. He didn’t need to ask Sam to stay, he would’ve made that decision on his own unless Danny explicitly demanded he leave. But in his own way, Danny did ask. Sam understood what that one word meant. He nodded, sitting back down on the bed before laying fully on top of the blankets. He didn’t want to risk Danny being uncomfortable when both of them were barely dressed.

Danny, however, wasn’t ready to settle for that.

“Sam?” He called out, his voice hardly above a whisper.

“Yeah?”

“I know this might sound weird, but can you… can you hold me? You can say no, it’s fine if you do I wouldn’t blame you, but I just feel like I need-”

“Daniel, calm down. It’s not weird, come here.”

Sam fully expected Danny to turn his back to him, letting the bassist’s chest press against the soft skin, but he didn’t. He faced Sam, looking up at him for a brief moment before curling into his chest, one of his arms wrapping around Sam’s slim torso as he breathed in the familiar scent that was so unmistakably Sam Kiszka. Sam wrapped his arms fully around Danny, one of his hands coming up to cradle his head and gently play with his hair.

“Try to go back to sleep, Dan. I’m not going anywhere.” Sam spoke softly, fighting the urge to place a kiss to the top of Danny’s head. The drummer nodded in lieu of a verbal response, his arm pulling Sam even closer to his body.

– –

When they woke up, Sam noticed a few things. The first being that he was no longer holding Danny. At some point in the night, they’d switched positions, and now Danny’s muscular arms were wrapped around Sam’s body as they spooned. The second thing he noticed was that he was under the blankets, something he had no recollection of doing before he fell asleep. And while that wasn’t very alarming to him, what was was the fact that his bare body - save for a pair of shorts that could arguably be deemed too short - was pressed entirely against Danny’s bare body. Not only was every inch of them touching, their legs were tangled together, another thing Sam had no memory of happening.

He smiled, his heart fluttering in his half awake state.

Danny was still asleep, and when Sam looked over at the clock, he saw just how late in the day it was. He’d gone into Danny’s room around 2 am, and now it was the afternoon. Danny had slept for ten straight hours, and Sam couldn’t help but feel rather proud of himself for being the reason why.

At least, he assumed he was the reason. He didn’t let himself think too far into that one.

As much as he wanted to let Danny sleep more, he knew they had practice in a few hours, and Danny would definitely want to shower off the sweat that coated his body. He did, however, give himself a few more minutes to enjoy the feeling of Danny’s body encasing his own before waking him up.

– –

Practice ran smoothly, as it typically did. Josh had presented a few new songs, and all of the guys loved the lyrics. He had a way with words that Danny envied and a power to tell stories like no other. Sometimes Danny wondered if he could take his past and put it to music, but then he’d be opening himself up in ways he never had, and that terrified him. For the time being, he decided to stick to keeping it all to himself.

Neither Danny nor Sam had talked about the night they spent together, especially ignoring the subject of how they woke up. Danny was a bit surprised to find out how long he’d slept, as well as by the position the two had ended up in at some point in their parallel unconsciousness. Yet, at the same time, he wasn’t. He’d always found Sam to be comforting, and he gravitated towards that feeling, chasing it as quickly as he ran from the demons that haunted his mind.

Danny figured if Sam was bothered by it, he would’ve said something, and he probably would’ve removed himself from Danny’s grip, but he didn’t. That fact made Danny’s heart race, wondering if Sam had picked up on the feelings Danny had for him that he’d tried his hardest to keep hidden. He wondered, too, if Sam could possibly feel the same, but he wasn’t in the business of allowing his hopes to get too high.

Jake’s voice snapped him out of his train of thought.

“Hey Danny, do you wanna help me with these riffs?”

– –

That night, he gave in to the Kiszka’s persistent begging to join them for a few drinks in the living room. They all seemed shocked that he agreed to stay and hang out with them for once, and he didn’t miss the smile on Sam’s face upon hearing Danny say “okay.”

The more they drank, the more Danny felt himself loosen up. He’d taken one side of a couch, letting Sam drape his long legs over his lap without thinking twice. It was actually nice, spending time with the Kiszkas. So nice, in fact, that for a moment he felt guilty for not doing it more often.

Apparently nothing killed a nice buzz quite like overwhelming guilt.

“I think I’m gonna head upstairs, get some sleep. Thanks for tonight, guys.” Danny spoke as he lifted Sam’s legs before placing them back down on the couch. Understanding how little socializing Danny regularly partook in, no one pushed him to stay longer, all three brothers being thankful he stayed as long as he had.

Sam looked up at him with a questioning glance, one Danny wasn’t able to decipher the meaning of, so he didn’t try harder to. He figured the alcohol would help him fall asleep, and as tempting as it was to drink himself into oblivion and pass out face down on his mattress, he opted against that idea. He’d tried that a few times in the past; it never made him feel any better and it did nothing to keep the nightmares away. So really, there was no point.

It was a bit colder than usual that evening, so Danny threw on a pair of soft flannel pajama pants - still leaving his torso bare - and crawled into bed, his head feeling just the slightest bit fuzzy from the drinks he’d consumed.

For a moment, he allowed himself to think back to the prior night, specifically Sam in his bed. It was the first time they’d intentionally shared a bed, and while it could’ve been awkward, it just felt… right. Part of him wanted to ask Sam to sleep with him, but perhaps that was pushing it. He still had no idea how Sam felt about everything. About him.

Eventually he was able to fall asleep, though, as expected, it didn’t last. Once again he was tormented by his memories on a loop, and once again, he was woken up by Sam shaking him.

“Dan…” Sam sounded just as out of breath as Danny was.

“Was I screaming again?” His voice cracked ever so slightly as he spoke, already knowing the answer to his question.

Sam simply nodded, trying his hardest to hold back his own emotions. He wanted so badly for Danny to tell him what was causing the nightmares. While he knew it was related to Danny’s time in the arena, he had a feeling there was so much more to it, and even though he knew he could look up the answers for himself, he refused to. If Danny wasn’t going to openly share the information, Sam wasn’t going to go behind his back to find it. He had way too much respect for his friend.

Danny’s hands wiped over his own face, pushing his curls away from where they’d plastered to his skin from sweating so much.

“Sam, can you-”

“Of course. You don’t have to ask.”

Sam crawled into bed with Danny, this time intentionally laying under the blankets. He stayed on his back, and as Danny curled into him, Sam stared at the ceiling, his own thoughts racing. He felt Danny shiver, but his body was warm. A single tear fell from Danny’s eye onto Sam’s chest and he pulled Danny closer into his body.

“I’m sorry Sam.”

Sam took a deep breath, not out of annoyance, but because he was frustrated. Frustrated that someone he cared about was struggling, and there was little he could do outside of holding him. He hoped it was enough, at least for now.

“Get some sleep, Danny. I’m right here.”

– –

The same thing happened every night for the next two weeks.

Danny didn’t understand why his nightmares kept getting worse, more persistent. He didn’t understand why nothing kept them away. And he didn’t understand why Sam’s presence was the only thing that relaxed him enough to sleep through the rest of the night.

After a few days, Sam stopped going to his room to sleep. He assumed he’d end up in Danny’s room anyway, so that’s where he started. If the circumstances were different, he might appreciate it a bit more, having Danny wrapped around him and vice versa - which was how they always woke up.

The twins caught Sam and Danny walking out of the latter’s room one morning and while Danny was rubbing sleep from his eyes, Jake and Josh gave Sam questioning looks. Sam said nothing, he just shook his head as a clear nonverbal response he knew his brother’s would understand: Don’t ask.

During that two week period, there were only two nights that Danny didn’t wake up screaming in a cold sweat, though they weren’t consecutive. His nightmares still attacked his unconscious mind, but for those two days, he’d wake up startled rather than terrified to his core. He knew it wasn’t an indication that things were getting better, that would be much too naive of a thought. Danny knew the severity of nightmares would inevitably return, and he was proven right when they did.

There were nights where he tried to stay up as late as possible to avoid sleeping at all, something Sam quickly caught onto and gently reprimanded him for. Everyone could see how tired Danny was, how detached from reality he was. It had gotten to the point where it was impacting his ability to play. He missed cues, played the wrong notes, or sometimes forgot what to play all together.

Jake had gotten annoyed for the slightest moment, but immediately backed off when he saw the state Danny was in. Sam was thankful Jake was relatively perceptive. If his older brother hadn’t stopped, he was positive he would’ve jumped over Josh to strangle Jake with the cord plugged into his bass.

Danny felt the shift in himself, too. He recognized things were getting worse for him mentally, and though he was aware he could’ve asked for help, he didn’t. It wasn’t like him to open up that much, not even to Sam. The rational part of his brain told him he was making a mistake, that nothing would get better unless he finally talked to someone about what was troubling him. But then he felt like all his confession would do was burden the Kiszkas, and he couldn’t let that happen.

But he was tired. So incredibly, painfully tired, in more ways than one, and it had gotten to the point where he could no longer handle it. He just wanted it all to stop. He missed his family, his life before the Games. He missed feeling normal. And as much as he enjoyed Sam’s nightly company in his bed - perhaps a bit more than he wanted to admit - he hated that he’d become moderately dependent on it.

If he was honest, he was ready for all of it to end. He knew it was dramatic, he knew he would hurt people, but what about the hurt he felt? He couldn’t take it anymore. It had to stop.

– –

That night as Sam crawled into bed with Danny, he noticed his friend was fully dressed for once, not an inch of bare skin to be found. He frowned a bit at that, having gotten used to feeling Danny’s warm skin pressed against his own, but he chose not to speak on it. He also noticed how silent and closed off Danny had been. Even when he was quiet when the four of them were together, he at least spoke a bit more the moment the two of them were alone. He was tired, that’s all it was. Sam tried to push away the idea that Danny was sick of him being there; that he wasn’t pulling away despite how much it felt like he was.

Then there was another difference.

“Hey Sam?”

“Hmm?”

Danny rubbed the back of his neck, a nervous tick of his that Sam had picked up on. He was struggling to look at Sam as he spoke, and his words sounded quieter than usual.

“You know how we- when we fall asleep, you’re the one holding me?” Sam nodded, waiting for him to continue. “Can we- can I- just this once-”

Sam smiled at his friend, knowing exactly what Danny was trying and struggling to say. “You want to hold me, Dan? Wanna be the big spoon this time?”

Danny could tell Sam was making an effort to lighten his spirits. He appreciated it, but it was making everything that much harder. He forced himself to crack the smallest smile. Sam had told him in the past he loved Danny’s crooked smile, and he thought about that compliment daily.

“Yeah, if that’s okay.”

“Of course it’s okay. Come on over, I’m a bit chilly and you’re basically the human equivalent of a space heater.” Sam joked.

Danny waited for Sam to shuffle closer to him before wrapping his arms around him and holding him as tight as he could. He wouldn’t be able to do this again if he followed his impulses.

“Woah! You know I’m not gonna run away, right?” Sam was taken aback by the grip Danny had on his body, but had no intention of moving. He thought about turning around to tell Danny exactly how he felt about him, but with the hold Danny had, it was impossible to move.

Danny ignored the joke his friend made, burying his face into Sam’s long, chestnut locks. He breathed in the scent that he’d gotten so used to, the scent that was so unequivocally Sam, the one that brought him the faintest sense of peace. He thought back to the first night Sam came to wake him up, to protect him from the things only Danny could see - he still hadn’t asked Danny to explain what caused his nightmares. Danny thought about how quick Sam was to be there for him no matter what. He thought about how often he’d catch Sam staring at him with nothing but love and adoration in his eyes, though at first he was convinced he was imagining it.

He thought about how much he loved Sam, the boy who had so rapidly gone from a stranger to his best friend.

He wanted to tell Sam exactly what was on his mind, at least when it came to his feelings, and even though he knew it would be his one and only chance to do it, he was too afraid. He squeezed Sam closer to him and hoped it would be enough.

“Goodnight, Sammy.” Danny spoke into Sam’s hair.

The bassist sighed tiredly, already being in the middle between sleep and consciousness.

“G’night Dan.” His words were slurred as they fell from his plump lips. “Love you.”

Danny’s eyes widened at his friend’s confession. Sam… loved him? No, he- as a friend, that’s all. Sam didn’t know major parts of who Danny was. He couldn’t actually… no. No way.

He could feel Sam’s breath even out, this being one of the rare times he fell asleep before Danny. The drummer was thankful for that; it gave him an opportunity to appreciate Sam as much as he wanted. He’d miss him the most. He’d miss all the guys, but Sam… Sam would always be special.

After an hour of holding Sam, slowly trailing one of his hands up and down the smooth skin of Sam’s arm, Danny felt himself falling asleep. He so badly wanted to avoid it, to force himself to stay awake, but it was impossible. Even on nights where he didn’t wake up screaming, he still woke up from nightmares, and sometimes that movement didn’t wake Sam. This was one of those nights.

Against his will, Danny fell asleep. He wasn’t unconscious for long, maybe under an hour, but his nightmares once again wormed their way into his mind, and he woke suddenly with a gasp, struggling to take a breath. Instead of being scared, he was frustrated. He was so sick of being unable to sleep, unable to function the way Sam, Jake, and Josh did. He was officially done suffering.

Danny was still holding Sam, who was sound asleep. He carefully maneuvered his body away from Sam’s, trying his hardest to make sure he didn’t wake up. When he was successful, he stood up and walked around to the other side of the bed to face Sam.

He knelt down, letting himself remember every detail of Sam’s face: His soft, plush lips, his smooth skin, the two small freckles on his left cheek. He brought one of his hands forward, gently lifting away a collection of stray hairs that had fallen over Sam’s face. Danny always believed Sam to be effortlessly beautiful. It was the first thing he noticed when they met, and that belief hadn’t changed.

Tears formed in his eyes, threatening to spill over. He gently played with Sam’s hair, forcing himself to remember how soft it felt threading through his fingers. The longer he stared at his friend, the harder it was to keep the tears from flowing, and so they fell freely down Danny’s own freckled cheeks.

He stood up, placing one single, lingering kiss on Sam’s forehead. He whispered as quietly as he could.

“I love you too. I’m sorry, Sammy. I’m so, so sorry.”

Danny walked out of his room and into the bathroom down the hall, not bothering to lock the door; Sam was sound asleep, it wasn’t necessary.

He sat on the edge of the bathtub, his head in his hands, and thought about his next move. He hadn’t really given much thought as to how to achieve his goal, and now that it was time, he wasn’t sure what to do. He thought about everything that was kept in the medicine cabinet. There were razors for them all to shave, save for Josh, who had insisted on growing out his facial hair. There was also an abundance of painkillers and sleeping pills, both prescriptions, the former for Jake’s left forearm and the latter, for Danny. He avoided them as much as possible, so the bottle was essentially full.

He took it out and placed the bottle on the counter, staring at it as if it would do something for him on its own. Part of Danny expected that he’d be anxious about taking his own life, that when the time came, he’d be in a complete state of panic, but he wasn’t. He had no more fight left in him.

After filling a glass with water, Danny spilled the pills out of the bottle and into a pile on the granite. Twenty four pills would be more than enough. Once again, he found himself staring at them, hoping he wouldn’t have to be the one to make the final move. But the pills couldn’t do anything if he didn’t consume them, so he swept a quarter of them into the palm of his left hand, his right hand gripping the glass of water, the appendage shaking ever so slightly.

He took a few deep breaths, feeling tears drop from his eyes again. He hadn’t even realized he started crying. Before he continued, he allowed himself to think back to happier times again, just as he did every night before falling asleep. That’s all he was doing - falling asleep.

He thought about his father’s warm hugs, his mother’s smile, his sister’s laugh. He thought about fireflies and cool summer nights with skies full of stars. He thought about spiced tea, crisp apples, and sweet pastries. All of the things he wished he appreciated more while he had the chance.

He thought about Sam.

It was the thought of leaving Sam that had his tears begin streaming down his face, but he forced himself to stay quiet. The last thing he wanted was Sam to wake up and see what he was doing. Slowly, he lifted his hand to drop the pills into his mouth. As he moved the glass of water to his lips, the door to the bathroom opened, and his head whipped in its direction.

“Dan, are you in here? I saw the light and- what the fuck?” Sam had been rubbing his eyes when he walked into the bathroom, not immediately seeing the scene before him. Once he did, he felt more awake than he had in a while, shutting the door behind him and fighting the urge to yell. He looked down and saw the remainder of the pills on the counter, finally putting two and two together, before ripping the glass out of Danny’s hand. “Danny fucking- christ, spit them out, now!”

After a moment of hesitancy, a moment Sam believed to be way too long, the bassist repeated his demand.

“Daniel, I swear if you don’t spit them out I’ll pry them out of your mouth myself.” He sounded angry, he knew that, but he was terrified and appalled and he couldn’t focus on sounding calm. He’d worry about that once he knew Danny was safe.

Danny complied, spitting the six pills into the garbage by his feet. He backed away from the sink and sat back down on the tub’s ledge, refusing to lift his face to see Sam’s face.

The two were silent for a few minutes, Danny not having any idea what to say and Sam having too many thoughts flooding his brain to know which ones to verbalize. Sam started pacing in the enclosed space, his hands tugging at his hair as he worked to form a sentence.

“What were you thinking? When did you even leave your room? You waited until I was asleep? You fucking- what, you were just going to kill yourself while I slept soundly in your bed? That was your plan? God, Danny what the fuck?!” He took a breath before continuing. “Is that why you wanted to hold me tonight? Is that why you were holding me so god damn tight? Because you thought it would be the last time you’d be able to? And what, you figured at some point I’d just find you lying cold on the bathroom floor? Or that Jake or Josh would? That’s why you were wearing actual pajamas tonight, isn’t it? Don’t answer that. Don’t fucking answer any of that, just… Danny what the fuck?”

At some point, Sam had started crying too, but Danny still hadn’t lifted his head to look at his friend, his own tears falling into his lap. Sam continued talking.

“You called me Sammy. You never call me that I- I should’ve known something was wrong. I should’ve-”

Danny figured it was the right time to speak up, not wanting Sam to start blaming himself for anything.

“Sam, I’m sorry. I didn’t -”

“You’re sorry? You’re sorry?!” Danny could see the rage in his friend’s eyes. “You were just going to leave me like that? Leave all of us? I know things have been hard for you and I get it but-”

“No you don’t!” Danny’s voice was raised, louder than he wanted it to be. “You have no idea what I’ve dealt with, no idea what I went through, what I’ve been going through for the past five years. You have no fucking idea how hard it is.”

“Because you don’t tell me anything! You never want to talk about it and I never push you because while I don’t know the details, I know it must have been horrific, and the last thing I wanted was to force you to relive any of that. But I can’t fucking help you the way you need to be helped if you won’t let me in.”

Danny scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest defensively. “I don’t need your help, Sam.”

Sam’s eyes nearly bulged out of his head and Danny’s words. “Really? You don’t need my help? Look at where keeping everything bottled up got you, Daniel. You were trying to kill yourself. You were… oh my god.” Sam fell to his knees and buried his face in his hands as he sobbed. “You were going to leave me. You- you can’t leave me Dan, you can’t just-”

Danny moved to kneel in front of his friend, quickly pulling him into his arms. Sam was right, Danny couldn’t leave him. Hearing Sam’s cracking voice snapped him out of whatever trance had brought him to that bathroom in the first place. All he could do was apologize over and over, hoping that Sam would believe him.

The two cried while holding each other, both shocked that the twins hadn’t heard any of the commotion. Sam thought about telling Danny the rest of what he was thinking, about how he loved him. Danny was considering the same thing, but neither of them spoke. After a while, Danny pulled away and stood up, reaching down for Sam to grab his hand.

“Let’s go.”

Sam wiped his face and looked up, grabbing Danny’s hand and standing along with him. “Where?”

Danny opened the door and turned the bathroom light off, walking into the hallway with a tight grip on Sam’s right hand. “Back to my room. Back to bed.”

– –

Neither of them spoke as they entered Danny’s room, nor as they got into bed. Danny knew he had a lot of explaining to do, but he also knew Sam likely wouldn’t push him to start talking. He appreciated that fact, feeling as though he at least needed one night before spilling all of his secrets. Rather than stay in his pajamas, Danny stripped down like he normally would, his body feeling much too hot from the anxiety and adrenaline coursing through his veins. There was also the fact that he desperately craved the comfort of having Sam’s bare skin against his own.

But he didn’t wrap his arms back around Sam, choosing instead to wait for his friend to make the first move. He didn’t know if Sam wanted space or if he’d shove Danny off of him out of frustration the second he was holding him. Sam did, in fact, make the first move, and faster than Danny expected. He threw himself onto Danny, burying his face in the space between Danny’s neck and shoulder while his long arms wrapped around the drummer’s upper body. His legs once again found themselves tangled with Danny’s, and he did what he could to ensure all of his body was touching all of Danny’s.

It was his attempt at being as close as humanly possible. His own way of comforting himself and ensuring Danny was there; that he was still warm and breathing.

“Dan, I’m not gonna ask you to go into detail about everything, you know, that prompted you to do… that. But I just want to know why. What made that become the most desirable option for you?” Sam felt like he was skating on the thinnest ice imaginable as he spoke. He didn’t want to risk saying something that would set Danny off or make him spiral, but he needed an answer.

He felt Danny take a deep breath, his chest rising from under Sam’s hold.

“I was tired, Sam. I am tired. Always so fucking tired. I can’t focus, can’t relax, can’t do anything and I couldn’t keep living like that. So I just… decided I wouldn’t anymore. All of the shit in my head, the memories… fuck, Sam, the things that I did. It’s impossible to deal with. I know it’s stupid and I know you’re probably mad at me and I really am sorry.”

Danny didn’t want to cry again, he wasn’t even sure he had anymore tears left to cry, but he could feel his chest constricting as if he was about to. That was another thing he was tired of - crying.

“Danny, I’m not mad. I mean, I was at first I think, but more than anything I was just scared. I didn’t - I don’t - want to lose you. I don’t think my heart could take a loss like that.” Sam shut his eyes, taking a breath of his own to relax his mind before speaking again, scared but ready to confess. “I love you too much to survive losing you. The second I realized what was going on I swear I felt my heart shatter. Just the very idea that you’d even consider… Danny, it wouldn’t have fixed anything. Maybe the nightmares would stop for you, but what about me? The twins? The hole you’d leave if you…” He shook his head, not wanting to utter the remaining words of that thought. “No one could ever fill that space, Dan. Not in the house, not in the band, not in my heart. You need to understand that.”

If Danny was shocked by what Sam said, he did his best to not make it obvious. He liked to imagine at times that maybe his feelings for Sam weren’t one sided, but with no strength to actually tell him, he figured he’d never find out the truth. But Sam loved him. Sam loved him. He said the words clear as day, and for the first time in a long time, Danny felt a twinge of happiness. He shifted his body, nudging Sam to sit up with him.

Before he could respond, Sam spoke again.

“Please don’t freak out over what I just said. I know maybe it’s crazy and I know you’re going to say I don’t know you well enough to love you, but I do-”

“Sam.”

“I do love you. And it’s not pity or some overreaction to what I just saw, so don’t say that either because I know you would-”

“Sam.”

“I can’t help it okay, I love you and I’ve been dying to tell you for so long and if you don’t feel the same it’s fine, okay, I’ll get over it but-”

Danny couldn’t help but roll his eyes and grab Sam’s face with both of his hands, surging forward to kiss him with everything he had. It wasn’t like the movies, where fireworks go off and everything is right in the world - because truly, most things in Danny’s life were not right - but it was still perfect.

Once Sam moved beyond the initial shock of Danny’s lips capturing his own, he kissed him back, both of them pouring every emotion into the action. The hand that Sam wasn’t leaning on for balance moved up to hold Danny’s bare hip, the skin feeling warm to the touch. Despite how often the two had cuddled, Danny still shivered at the feeling of Sam’s hand on his body.

When they realized they no longer had enough air to continue kissing, they pulled away, one of Danny’s hands remaining on Sam’s cheek, softly rubbing his thumb over those two freckles he never thought he’d see again. Sam’s eyes were wide, as if he was scared that the second he spoke, the bubble would burst and he’d wake up, that everything that was said and done would be a dream. But it wasn’t, and he saw that Danny was staring at him with the same love and adoration Sam had looked at him with.

Sam opened his mouth to speak, Danny’s name coming out in a hushed squeak. The drummer shook his head. He had too much to say.

“It’s not crazy. You’re not crazy. I didn’t know you felt like that about me. I thought… I thought you might, but I think I convinced myself I was imagining it, that I wasn’t deserving of it. But it’s not one sided, I promise.”

Sam’s mouth felt dry. He repeated Danny’s words in his head five times, ten times, just to make sure he truly heard him correctly.

“So you-”

“I love you too, Sammy.”

Sam smiled, a real, genuine smile that reached his eyes. But then his brain focused on everything that had occurred that evening and he was confused, hurt. A frown took over his face and his lips quivered as though he might cry again.

“If you loved me, why were you about to leave me? Why would you- you weren’t even going to tell me?”

It was a valid question, but if Danny was being technical, he had told Sam.

“When I realized you were asleep, I did tell you. You muttered it when you were barely conscious, I didn’t even know if you realized you said it, and it was just loud enough for me to hear. I would’ve said it back right then and there but with what I was about to do, it didn’t seem fair to tell you how I felt and then break your heart.” His head hung between the two of them, the realization that he still would’ve broken Sam’s heart anyway hitting him once he finished speaking.

The room was completely silent for a few minutes, both of them processing everything that had been said, everything that had been done. Danny knew he’d have to rip the bandaid off and finally explain to Sam - and the twins - all of the information he’d been withholding, and he knew Sam wouldn’t rest until he did. But that wouldn’t happen tonight, and yet again, Danny found himself thankful for Sam’s ability to let him do things at his own speed.

“I think we should go to sleep.” Danny nodded at Sam’s suggestion. “But before we do,” Sam leaned forward, pressing his lips against Danny’s again. He’d never get tired of the way his stomach flipped at something as simple as kissing his best friend. “Please don’t let things get to that point again, Dan. I need you to talk to me about everything. Promise me you’re not going anywhere.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Sammy. I promise.”

Sam smiled and moved to hug Danny, the drummer’s arms wrapping around his friend’s slimmer body. The two layed back down, tangling their limbs together as they had on previous nights, and with the knowledge that his love for Sam was reciprocated, and the stubborn belief that things had to get better from that point on, Danny finally felt relaxed.

For the first time in five years, Danny felt his broken pieces begin to merge, slowly but surely making him feel whole.

And for the first time in five years, Danny slept through the night, the demons of his past and his nightmares nowhere in sight.

-- --

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