#so he's grateful i have barbie/ken but he's also bitter because it isn't fair

[frecklystars]

i can't sleep and i am crying and thinking of ken ;-; i love him so much i miss him so much. i have needed him so much. i miss starscream even more and i hate that the entire TF universe was taken from me and ruined. but. i. im so glad i have barbie and ken i need them so fucking bad.

im so glad i have six and sebastian and officer k, and hopefully as time goes on i'll have a few more f/os from watching more of ryan and margot's movies. im so glad i have these other universes to hop around in for a little bit. my brain seriously just wouldnt attach to anything at all and it was killing me. i want to hope i can go back to TF one day but in the meantime, im so relieved i have ken. i love him so so so so much. it feels so good to think of f/os again every moment. it feels so much better to listen to music again, watch things again, draw things again. i'm still torn into fucking pieces every time i see starscream or see something that reminds me of bee or arcee or literally whoever. im fucking destroyed. but at least now when i fall i know barbie and ken are always gonna catch me

#delete later #vent #i guess #i saw starlight on my dash and sobbed my eyes out earlier #i want to take out my brain and shake it out and get my abuser's actions out of my head #i hate that an entire. franchise. an entire fucking franchise. is a trigger. what the fuck #im still. im still baffled i know ibring it up so often but god i dont get it #normally when i get new f/os i think about them meeting my other main f/os #and i try to think of starscream or bee or whatever TF character meeting barbie/ken too #but then it makes me ache and i have to stop #i think... stsc would be relieved that im finding some relief in another universe #instead of just floating around in the coldness of space. not being in any universe at all #or sitting in our meadow and shielding myself from him as if he were a monster. he can't bear that #me backing away from him and looking at him the same way he looks at a certain warlord #as if he'd ever hurt me. but he knows i can't help it i can't control it #so he's grateful i have barbie/ken but he's also bitter because it isn't fair #neither of us saw this coming #this love wasn't supposed to be temporary #i want to hope it still isn't #otherwise what was the goddamn point #im only going to be able to afford therapy for my ptsd once a month now #when i used to go weekly. i dont know what im gonna do #im so scared it wont get better. barbie/ken i dont know how long this hyperfixation will last #when i watch all of ryan/margot's movies then what am i gonna do? #i want to keep the hyperfixation going until i can get back to TF but what if i can never get back to TF again? #i cant go back to feeling so lost again. i still feel that way but at least it's... not as strong #but i can't fucking live without self shipping and i don't want to go back to having Nothing