#she'd be upset and offended and I'd be groveling like usual to try and make up for daring to question any part of our relationship

[izzy-b-hands]

Cancelled the in person interview for today after discussing phone interview with Mum and Housemate last night (and the numerous red flags and cost of the lyft there and back for a job that ultimately the place wouldn't be able to convince me to take if offered, bc the general consensus was 'this is literally likely to be as bad as the current job BUT with the added cost of lyfts back and forth that they wouldn't be paying enough to offset, why on earth would you (me) take this job lmaooooo')

Which works out good bc the ongoing Mum trauma stuff is hitting hard as soon as I've woken and maybe I can get the Big Cry out today. Or write down any of the memories that have been playing on repeat in my mind

(with all this said, yes, I still asked and do legitimately care abt my mum's opinion and experience with jobs despite this; yes it feels weird; no I don't know how healthy that is or not lmao but I'm gonna lean towards Not Healthy bc im discovering that the work my previous doc did certainly uncovered this codependency and trauma which absolutely was a great help but like...we didn't actually really untangle any of it so I could try and untangle myself from my mum, even from 1600+ miles from one another. So. probably not healthy.)

#text post #Housemate was the far more helpful one of ae and mum tho and im very grateful ae took the time to talk over the interview with me #to help me figure out if doing the in person was worth it #mum did kind of help in that she pointed out several dakota eye like red flags from the employer that in retrospect yeah #were flying right in front of my face but i just. want to find better work so it's hard to ignore the red flags sometimes #until someone else goes uhhhhh hey maybe not this job no matter how desperate you feel #which is what it boiled down to more or less in discussion with both of them last night #it's just a weird thing of mum was still helpful and im glad i had a call with her but also it was low key triggering #and part of me wants to call her back and ask if she knows that she's a major part of why i struggle to say no to anyone #who feels even vaguely an authority figure over me no matter what my feelings are or if im being hurt #because id rather be obedient and pleasing than independent and honest (& possibly disappoint ppl with the latter) #but let's be real she wouldn't have an answer. it's beyond her to even think of this stuff #she'd be upset and offended and I'd be groveling like usual to try and make up for daring to question any part of our relationship #the same groveling i do on autopilot for any potential offense because it doesn't matter even if i asked & was given permission #im still always finding there's something i need to ask her forgiveness for anyway #but i love her and am incredibly grateful for her and how much she's given of herself to me as a single mum #idk im gonna shut up abt emotions for now and figure out what on earth im doing with myself today