#several adhd layers of thought went into this and I don't know if any of it translates | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gasmaskaesthetic · 5 years

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I am very sad.

What does being very sad feel like?

A lot of different things.

Pick one or two and describe it.

I keep tensing my feet and my shoulders. Images and simulations of the thing making me sad flicker in my head. I am taking an inventory of things available for comfort and notice an impulse to reject all of them. Including writing this. When I try to hold onto the feeling, there's something like the moment before vertigo. Dizziness.

What happens if I focus on the dizziness?

It doesn't stay. Little waves, decreasing in intensity with each iteration.

Does it change if I imagine what triggered the sadness?

I don't think I know what triggered the sadness. It feels like it has several higher-level causes, but it might just be because I hadn't eaten and the sun went down. It could also be that the effect of my ADHD medication is wearing off for the day. I suspect that engaging in restless behaviors while letting some disordered thoughts get free and also ruminating on times I've felt depressed is not helping. I've eaten food and am back indoors.

What was I ruminating on?

I was wandering through stores in town and had also spent some time in the room I lived in for most of 2017. They were reminding me of times I've felt terrible in those places before, and I was letting myself simulate the experience too much.

If I think of that, and also focus on the dizziness, it gets worse and my breath catches.

Do I think it's helpful to continue doing this?

No. Reminiscing can build associations and it seems unwise to further pepper my parents' home and town with triggers for sadness and anxiety.

Can I reverse it? Or render the association neutral?

Unsure.

I don't know that the problem is that these things are triggers. It may also be that they're all places I've spent so much time and seen so often that no matter what mood I'm in, I have a memory to match. Though I certainly avoid certain stimuli because I expect to feel bad, and pursue stimuli because I expect to feel good. And how often is it a self-fulfilling prophecy? I can't say.

So what can I do?

I can keep learning resilience. I can reason with my sadness until it goes away; this does work, even though my initial resistance to doing it is usually strong. I also don't always need to banish sadness immediately. Sometimes I want it. It will always pass.

I shouldn't tell myself that my feelings are properties of places I cannot avoid.

I can remind myself that I trust myself to feel and act better. Because it is true that I will; I have never stopped clawing my way towards "better."

I can do this, a half-meditation, half-assed cbt, taking comfort in knowing that people whose opinion matters to me will see it and maybe approve.

I can build strong, positive associations by noticing what's good about a stimulus, and ways it reminds me of past good.

I can build an ever-stronger positive association with the concept of myself, layers of confidence that keep my emotions from being tossed around by a stream of inputs that I can't totally control.

I can accept the sadness for now. I can let it stay awhile and get comfortable. I can investigate it and dig for information about what I want.

I can use the fact that when I feel like I can't seek out any other comfort, I'm at least inclined to meet my basic needs and do something like this. This is evidence that I can trust my future to have moments of better.

I can remind myself that doing this and engaging in other distractions will make the sadness go away. :)

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