#really wish my life was I'll Sleep When I'm Dead by Bon Jovi but alas

[breitzbachbea]

I just remembered a vent drabble about Tahir's insomnia, which I never posted here. Written while listening to "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead" by Set It Off

"Maybe it's all hopeless," Tahir said to himself in the dark.

He felt his heart jump, but no other muscle move when he heard the rustle of sheet and an unexpected answer.

"What do you mean?" Robert asked.

Eyes half lidded, he stared into the dark. The puzzle pieces in his head wouldn't fall into place.

"Why are you still awake?" he asked instead.

"Could ask you the same." He felt the bed vibrate under him. "So what's the matter?"

Tahir stared. He sighed and leant his head back into the pillow slowly as his hand went to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"I don't know how much time I've got left," he finally answered.

"To do what? Usually you don't shut up, now I've gotta pay for each word?" Tahir slowly rolled his eyes, but even before he was finished, Robert cleared his throat and his tone became softer. "Sorry handsome, I know it's not easy." He put his hand on Tahir's stomach.

His movements were as agonizingly slow as his thoughts, but he took Robert's hand into his own.

"You know," and finally he was able to string together more than one coherent thought, "I think that sometimes, I am much like a machine that has run its course. That my sheer existence as a human has a limit."

"I know it's been stressful lately."

"Yes, but how often has it been stressful? How many times of it being 'stressful' can this mind and body take?" He looked at Robert, though he barely could register anything in the dark. "Perhaps I wasn't made to last."

"What do you mean by 'to last'?"

Tahir looked out the window. He listened to the sounds of the city into the night. He didn't know why the curtains weren't closed as always. "I guess I mean to live past a certain age."

Silence.

"I mean, unless the stress is gonna kill you, I don't think that's true." A moment of quiet. "Take it easy."

"It's not quite within my control. And if I can't handle what life throws at me, then.." Tahir raised his eyebrows and shrugged his head. "Well, then maybe I wasn't made to live."

"It's gonna get easier again. I don't think people work like machines, in that sense... anyways."

"I'm sorry I woke you up."

"You didn't. If you won't sleep and need to stay home tomorrow, that'll be alright."

"I doubt it."

"Because you think everything hinges on you. C'mon, we have failsafes for this. And we need you to 'last.' Both, because, you know, you're clever and... I don't know Tahir, but I'd have a pretty big hole in my life to fill if you're gone." He squeezed his hand.

In the midst of the vast emptiness of his chest, a spark of warmth appeared for a moment.

His tongue felt leaden once more. He rolled his head to face the other. "Oh, Robert... "He said softly and with all the fondness as every last nook and cranny of his husk of a person packed.

Robert kissed him on the lips before he let go of his hand. "I'll sleep now. Till morning, handsome."

Tahir just watched as he turned around again. He stared at the wall as he listened to Robert's even breath.

#beablabbers #storie nostre #the pen is mightier than the sword #tahir #robert #railey #really wish my life was I'll Sleep When I'm Dead by Bon Jovi but alas #Love to add consequences for one's lifestyle to my writing. Tahir put himself through law school BUT AT WHAT COST