#posting this in honor of my gf who ive had similar thoughts about>

[acthebonboss-blog]

Hiding in Plain Sight

Post-traumatic Stress. Ain’t no thang but a chicken wang-I wish. 

I have been agonizing whether I should publish an entry as raw, honest, and detailed as this because I fear I will be judged angry, bitter, vengeful. I decided I cannot worry about those things anymore. I have been protecting people in our situation, but they do not extend the same. Being true and raw has always been the most helpful and I teach Sami the same.

I took this definition offline...

“Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.”

*I acknowledge this blog is written from my perspective.*

I was prompted to write this when I was trigged, yet again, this time by a photo on FB I saw of my ex-husband’s family on Christmas eve and his GF who was his mistress who was my friend. (I introduced them in October 2016 on I trip to the Bahamas. She was a work friend). This was a photo I happened to see after I bandaged Sami’s fingers. I realized she has been biting and rubbing the skin off her fingertips until they bleed. She has her own ways of coping. After seeing the photo, I had heightened anxiety, racing and paranoid thoughts, and could not sleep all night, among other things. These are the types of things we deal with frequently. These are the type of these many people deal with due to trauma/loss. 

There are many types of trauma-physical, mental, emotional, ongoing, a combination of the things I listed.

Although, I teach Sami the practice of joy and gratitude and it is abundant in our home; we both cope with copious amounts of ongoing trauma/grief. I often feel like we are invisible to our community. People are so quick to dismiss, “it’s been over a year.” Oh cool, didn’t realize there was an expiration date on grief. “Well, you are remarried and have him now.” Oh cool, I didn't realize having a new man would fix all of our previous problems. Yay!” “Sami won’t remember any of this, good thing this all happened when she was so young.” Don’t even get me started on that comment. By the way, most people who say these are comments are the ones who engage me over this topic first, and then want me to say something to make them feel better about my life. I FEEL INVISIBLE. WE ARE SUFFERING. Please allow us to walk through this process the way we need to.

People have difficulty with negative and raw emotions. People have difficulty with allowing others the space and time to grieve. Most people do not work through things in a healthy fashion. They shove down, numb, avoid. They expect others to do the same-to just move on. It is an epidemic in our culture and society. They judge the people who do grieve. Who cares, give people the space. Ask yourself, why does it make you feel so uncomfortable when someone else is experiencing their feelings?

When my ex-husband told me he was leaving me and he wanted a divorce, it took me a while to wrap my heart and mind around that. Once I started the acceptance process, some people couldn't handle my grievance process. I had to stand on the edge of a metaphorical cliff and stare despair in the face for a little bit so I could figure out how to accept our new life. I had to go to bat with God. I experienced judgement and more loss. I didn't expect it. It was killer and devastated me further. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. People didn’t know how to be so they bounced, or tried to fix, or judged. I understand better now and am starting to look back with empathy and forgiveness, but when you are in it, it is hard and it is traumatic.

Daily, I am asked, “why did my daddy leave?” “Why do I have to have two houses?” All great questions that I am trying to figure out how to answers age appropriately, and in a way that doesn’t harm her relationship with her dad. It’s a struggle. She is insecure about her relationships now more than ever, which can be typical for her age, but was not an issue until he walked out the door one day and did not come back. She asks Seth regularly if he is going to leave us. Some mornings she wakes up joyful and some mornings she says she is sad and does not like her life. She is four.

The people I feel we are most invisible too are the people who count the most in her life; her father, his GF, her paternal grandparents. Watching your child suffer, have to engage in such an unhealthy situation (this is my judgement) is distressing. I have been told multiple times that my ex-mother in law tells people in the community I made my ex-husband have an affair and that my business ruined our marriage. That is an interesting concept. Sami told me that my ex-mother in law doesn’t like me. She is four years old and can feel these things already. It is worrisome. It is perpetual trauma and stress for her. I try to reason with my ex-husband about my concerns and he just cannot hear me. The shame and guilt he feels and because it is me saying these things distracts him from what is most important (my assessment). It seriously sucks. We are invisible. I feel like we are standing in a sound proof glass box with fake smiles sewn on and we are screaming on the top of our lungs. It feel like the real Sami has been kidnapped and she is just beyond our reach. 

The situation is multi-layered. There are the struggles I deal with amicably co-parenting while still advocating for the mental/emotional well-being of my daughter and myself, and controlling my remaining hurt feelings.  I want to honor Sami by always speaking well of her father and creating love around him (which I do), but I have to balance making sure Sami’s emotional well-being comes first. 

Then, I have to face the possibility that I may get the pleasure of running into this woman at work training events. This sends me into an awesome spiral for days depending on the timing of the event. The betrayal of the situation is pretty significant because some people knew he was engaging her the second time while we were in counseling and they chose to withhold the information from me. That really messed me up. I have not recovered from that. I have forgiven, but cannot figure out how to reconcile that part. Integrity and trust is huge for me. So I often feel anxious or protective when I know I have to see those people or engage them on any level. Mistrust is still being perpetuated with periodic interactions around all of this and other expectations. I want to shrink away and make myself unseen- camouflage please.

My and Sami’s life will never be the same. It has been battered, bruised, shaken, and turned upside down-and it hasn’t stopped. I am different. She is different. Her dad is different. The other woman is different. Our families and friends are different. We have been turned inside out. I am currently a watered down version of the woman I once was. I’m sure I will find the new version of her again one day. My faith is being rocked-it is there and I am clinging, but wow, I am hanging on by a thread. Some days we do not leave the house because it is the only place that feels safe. I know that sounds weird, but you have to experience something similar to understand. I have never understood until now.

So 14 months later and it is all just as raw and just as hard, some of it even harder. I have complicated it and stabilized it with my new marriage and Ive said enough about the contribution of Sami’s dad.  This is where we are. This is the process. It is ongoing. I share because so many people have “a story” like this and they suffer silently to make other people feel a little more comfortable or because they feel ashamed. Sami and I will not live in shame any longer. This is our story, and we own it.

“Trauma permanently changes us. 

This is the big scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. You are different now, full stop.

This is not a wholly negative thing. healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and joy. the goal of healing is not a papering-over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear you new life-warts, wisdom, and all- with courage. - Catherine Woodlwiss

Photo credit to Mallory Smith