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#ostensibly fine. so when i admit this shit its like. oops the facade is cracking!!!!!! uh oh uh oh you can't help people so you feel bad!!!
buppypuppy
·
5 months
Text
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#vent post essay ahead lol
#having complexes about talking about your emotions is literally the fucking devil . its miserable. it sucks so bad.
#the aamount of damage that is caused to someone by like
#i mean im talking abou t me here obviously.
#being the person whose like. overall ultimately tends not to feel horrible as often is like.
#it's nice not feeling bad emotionally all the time but also it's like. i develop this complex about being like able to help.
#i don't feel bad anywhere near as often as my friends so i can help them out and listen to them vent i can have the mental room to
#like listen to them talk about their problems. yeah. but it makes me feel like. well this is my job now so i shouldn't fucking talk about m
#i shouldnt vent when i feel bad because that's not what i'm known for. plus my friends already all feel worse than me more often than me. s
#i don't want to dump any more on their plate than they have to deal with. i don't want to burden them anymore than i have to. and like it's
#it's hard. i hate fucking talking about it and it's made so much worse when its like people i love . always been a fucking problem becaus
#i just feel fucking horrible admitting that i feel bad i hate that so much. i don't want to like turn away people who care about me but li
#i feel like if i tell them what's wrong with me i'll like do it anyways. i feel like i come off as super normal and happy go lucky and like
#ostensibly fine. so when i admit this shit its like. oops the facade is cracking!!!!!! uh oh uh oh you can't help people so you feel bad!!!
#because your fucking npd has made you feel self centered in a way that means you want to help people or some shit i dont fucking know
#and so when i feel bad or get mad over something unreasonable it's like. well i hope i fucking keel over and die or something i dont like .
#i don't want people seeing me like this or whatever. and my stupid fucking personality disorder just ruins every god damn thing its so bad.
#my past experiences giving me complexes that lead to me feeling fucking left out over like small stupid stuff but god the worst part is lik
#my brain categorizing something as being ''My Thing'' so somebody else talks about liking my thing AFTER my brain has designated it mine
#makes alarm bells go off and feel like theyre fucking. i don't know encroaaching on my turf or what the fuck ever? it SUCKS ASS
#it makes me feel HORRIBLE . and it's like i'm not gonna fucking bring it up because i don't wnt to be like a dick but also it's like well.
#i feel fucking miserable about this but it's just like mean and unnecessary and cruel to like stifle people's fucking fun because of my dum
#fuckin complexes. it's fucking constant. like oh look at you girl you feel fucking left out because you never get characters who really gri
#you mentally and so now you have one but oops! someone else talked about them and now you're seeing red! you like this person though
#so you're gonna feel fucking MISERABLE about this . you're gonna feel HORRIBLE because of this. and there's nothing you can fucking do
#and it controls my goddamn life and i HATE IT i fucking HATE IT i wish i knew how to fix it. ghghrgurghrughruhg i want to fucking explode
#and then you feel bad about feeling bad because you are fucking sisyphus. you're sisyphus. and your own anger is your boulder. you ingrate.
#i hate this. i just wanted to have a good day.
#jane mary cry one tear
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