#now i am going to actually stop sadposting on here

[lilies-on-water]

Chatlog between @lilies-on-water and @knowledge-is-prediction

[Immediately after this post.]

lilies-on-water are you okay?

knowledge-is-prediction yes ugh did you see the sadposting

lilies-on-water I did

knowledge-is-prediction sorry

lilies-on-water you don't have to be

knowledge-is-prediction I'm okay really, I just had insomnia

lilies-on-water I just - I'll give you S and Jeanne but do you really think Asher and I have each other more than we have you?

knowledge-is-prediction [lev doesn't respond for a long time] yeah kinda

lilies-on-water he married *you.* and I moved to a different country to be with *you.*

knowledge-is-prediction do we have to talk about this

lilies-on-water we don't have to, but that's not true and it's important to me that you know it

knowledge-is-prediction you don't have to lie to me

lilies-on-water I'm not lying to you I've never lied to you

knowledge-is-prediction asher married me before he met you, you moved here before you met him you're both... better than I am it's *okay*

lilies-on-water what would being better than you even *mean*

knowledge-is-prediction I don't actually want to list off all my flaws as a person, that doesn't seem like it would be great for my self-esteem I've had this fight with asher, I don't really want to have it again

lilies-on-water do you think asher and I *don't* have flaws?

knowledge-is-prediction my flaws are much more pervasive and all-encompassing!

lilies-on-water I'm not going to make you list off everything about you that you think is a flaw, that sounds like it wouldn't accomplish anything except making you feel worse about yourself

knowledge-is-prediction oh good I'm glad we're skipping that part of the fight that is one improvement on having this fight with asher

lilies-on-water I wasn't actually asking what you thought your flaws were in the first place I don't do "better person" as a concept? not in the virtue way that gileadites mean it and not in this way either, whatever the way you mean it is

knowledge-is-prediction and yet you are dating me and not, like, a randomly selected cascadian

lilies-on-water because I love you

knowledge-is-prediction but *why*

lilies-on-water you're smart and you're funny and you care about me and you make me laugh and you reach out and you're really good at explaining the things you're passionate about and you like listening to me and I love you? It has nothing to do with whether you are Objectively The Best Person In Cascadia. what would Objectively The Best Person In Cascadia even *mean.*

knowledge-is-prediction if you find someone who is smarter and funnier and who makes you laugh more and is better at explaining things and all the rest of it then you would love *them*and then I'd be all alone

lilies-on-water they wouldn't be you

knowledge-is-prediction but *why would you care about that*

lilies-on-water I don't know how to say this except "I love you" and clearly that isn't working I love *you,* not an abstract list of your positive qualities

knowledge-is-prediction yes I know I am very frustrating, it's on the bad-qualities list this is why I don't like having this argument

lilies-on-water the only person I'm frustrated with is myself, for not being able to get this concept across I am not frustrated with you

knowledge-is-prediction I... don't want you to be frustrated with yourself either because if you are frustrated with yourself a lot about me then interacting with me will be really unpleasant and then you'll leave

lilies-on-water when I started dating you I started eating normal meals again before that breakfast was an apple. maybe two on a good day. I didn't even realize I didn't like apples because I was always so hungry that I'd look forward to it. and then I found *you,* and I just. wasn't lonely anymore. I didn't have to disconnect, because there was anything good in my life to connect to. I love you. no amount of being frustrated with myself that I don't know how to explain something is going to erase that.

knowledge-is-prediction but now you have lots of good things and that's good I want you to have good things but I'm not irreplaceable

lilies-on-water people aren't goldfish nobody is replaceable

knowledge-is-prediction [five minutes of "lev is typing..."] do you mean that

lilies-on-water I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it

knowledge-is-prediction I want to believe you but I don't but maybe someday I will

lilies-on-water okay I love you

knowledge-is-prediction when I get in this fight with asher he tells me all about the good qualities he thinks I have and how I should believe I have them and it's scary because it feels like I'm tricking him

lilies-on-water I'm sorry

knowledge-is-prediction I think he is too perfect to empathize with those of us who are... not

lilies-on-water yeah, he does that with me too I know he means well but like..... I am Actually Just Stressed by being around Bee, and no amount of telling me that I'm going to be great at interacting with her as soon as I try will fix that

knowledge-is-prediction I told him to cut it out when I noticed that face you were making about it

lilies-on-water thank you I just - knowing he thinks I could definitely get a higher-paying job is nice I guess, but he just has no idea when to stop poking unless you tell him

knowledge-is-prediction he's trying to be reassuring and encouraging but he doesn't... understand that other people are not perfect he'll cut it out if you tell him to fuck off

lilies-on-water I know he's trying, it's the main reason I haven't yelled at him about it I'll do that thank you

knowledge-is-prediction he doesn't mind being yelled at, he likes being called an idiot when he's being an idiot I'm *sure* you've heard me doing it

lilies-on-water I have, I just you're his person lots of things are different when they're coming from your person

knowledge-is-prediction lily you're also his person like he takes being called an idiot well from everyone, the I'm-his-person thing is that he doesn't call *me* one, but... you are also definitely his person

lilies-on-water ...I want to say something about how he doesn't have cute anecdotes about the first time *I* corrected him on something but I do have more than half an ounce of self awareness so I'm just going to take your word for it

knowledge-is-prediction you also didn't think you hated him for two years so I think it works out even

lilies-on-water this is true

knowledge-is-prediction but seriously he is all the time like "Sasha, Sasha, Sasha, Sasha is wonderful, Sasha is so great, do you think Sasha would like this, Sasha said the funniest thing the other day" it's not... super-great for my insecurity he's pushy about the baby thing because he's worried about how it's gonna work when he and I have kids

lilies-on-water he talks about you all the time to me, if it helps I don't know what'll happen when you and he have kids. probably I'll keep being the weird uncle who lives in the cottage in the backyard. it's not like having me be the weird uncle to your kids is unworkable

knowledge-is-prediction he's worried you won't want to because he loves you and wants to marry you and be with you forever

lilies-on-water I've typed and deleted six variants on "was I going to be informed of this at any point" and I don't think I can get it to sound less like I dislike the idea, but I genuinely don't dislike the idea of marrying the two of you

knowledge-is-prediction sorry that was a fuckup we did talk about it before you came here

lilies-on-water you mentioned it was hypothetically possible which is not the same thing as casually saying "maybe I'll push after we get married" like it's a near-future plan

knowledge-is-prediction sorry

lilies-on-water but yes we did talk about it. and I am even more enthusiastic now than I was then.

knowledge-is-prediction ...oh that's good

lilies-on-water I love you I love being with you and I would love to be married to you

knowledge-is-prediction sorry about the bad communication

lilies-on-water the only reservations I had were things like "will we be able to live in the same house and make it work" and now that we've tried it it turns out the answer is yes

knowledge-is-prediction well, if you have a cottage in the back away from babies, anyway <3

lilies-on-water <33

knowledge-is-prediction --in my defense I was in fact *right*

lilies-on-water you totally were

knowledge-is-prediction but you're right I should have talked to you before I talked to tumblr I did you mean the thing about me being irreplaceable

lilies-on-water I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it

knowledge-is-prediction I feel all warm and glowy inside and I keep thinking about it and smiling where are you

lilies-on-water in the kitchen but I can be in your room if you want me to be

knowledge-is-prediction I want to cuddle you and hear you tell me that in person

lilies-on-water <333 on my way

#cascadia rp

[thesisterofninten]

I’m just sitting here in my room and I just don’t know what do do anymore.

There’s so much going on in my head I could go on for hours but I don’t know where, when, or how to start.

My brain has turned to mush. Whether it be due to overworking and exhaustion, depression, stress, or just inactivity, my brain is just nothing. I remember being smart in middle school and early high school. Now I can’t remember things, or think straight. Shit I can’t even type on my phone without spelling mistakes anymore. I think I may have a speech impediment too because of it. (Or maybe I’ve always been like that)

It’s just one of the many things that are wrong with me. My brain is an absolute frenzy everyday. I have never self diagnosed. But I constantly realized things about myself that may be a part of mental illness, or even a developmental disorder, but, because I was never tested as a kid, or as an adult even, it all just falls on a list of issues I may have. It’s a shitty thing to say, but I do it. Once again, not self diagnosing. Just living everyday with the possibility. Maybe I’ll never know. Maybe I was just raised to just live with it and pretend it’s not there like the rest of my family.

I’ve always felt unnatural. I think of the way I acted around others. I was very off-putting, and I probably made others uncomfortable. I, of course, never intended this. I truly just don’t know how to function apparently. I have habits of walking up and saying something dumb and leaving. Unintentionally saying things that are rude. Glancing at everyone around me. My family, friends, and coworkers have even made fun of me for stumbling over my words and for stuttering. I’ve gotten better, but I still see myself acting the same way in my daily life to this day, and I just can’t make myself stop. 

I see people I went to school with on social media and see them living successful lives. I remember them from high school and I remember them acting like normal people. Now they’re living normal adult lives, and I’m sitting here on Tumblr at 3 AM in my parents basement. Most have graduated college, and I have no end in sight. I’m taking a break this year because of the hassle of COVID. Or is it because I have no desire to go. Most people are starting their careers, and I’m working at a gas station that was robbed twice in two weeks. Most of my class from high school probably doesn’t even remember me, or if they do, probably remember me as either a freak, or a laughing stock. Either way my existence means nothing to them. It doesn’t mean a whole lot to most people anyways. 

Off topic as well, I ended up getting COVID mid-November. It only lasted for a few days, but I still get daily migraines, and lost my sense of smell. I actually thought I got it back the other day cause I smelt weed on one of our customers, but I guess it was nothing.

I feel like I have no credence to be complaining. I could definitely be in a worse position than I am now. I just like to get my thoughts out sometimes. I’ve gotten better about not sadposting on social media. This is the first time I’ve done it in months. I’ve tried to just turn everything into a joke, but I guess that only gets you so far I suppose. For now I’ll just try and go on with life. After all, I’m just a simple fool trying to make my way through the galaxy.