#normally i'd just be shameless as i've always been ( esp as a kid )

[noxtivagus]

I WNA WRITE AAAAA

#🌙.rambles #cheesy romantic stories !!!!!! #BUT THE THING IS #i constantly deny n hide that kinda stuff #it's too embarrassing T_T but maybe i'm a bit of a tsun abt it #normally i'd just be shameless as i've always been ( esp as a kid ) #BUT. I DON'T WANT ANY OF IRLS TO SEE #i use this @ on a lot of places n several irls do know my tumblr user 😭😭 #i will never ever want this to be even perceived by reality in any way whatsoever #but i've always just been a dreamer like this TvT #maybe hiding it is what's been tearing me apart. even if i'm cringe then i want to at least be myself and free. #it's just rlly embarrassing. i can't rlly accept n write it properly bcs #the cut between reality/fiction for me is very defined. i'd hate if there'd be an intruder that's mess things up for /me/ #n then for my original stories i have a lot of feelings and thoughts in my head but they're not really coherent n IDK HOW TO WRITE #little scenarios. i can't make sense of specific words but. THE EMOTION IN THEM. I FEEL IT BUT I CAN'T WRITE #it's like smth you think of right when you wake up (before consciousness returns properly) & #right before you sleep and dream of smth. that kind of clouded feel #a song with just melody but it has traces of lyrics you know but can't remember. #a worn out book you've somehow had all your life ( your mind your thoughts ) with the words slowly fading away in time #the stars fading away as night turns into day. but they're still there #i want to be myself i want to love myself properly and accept myself #it hurts when your own thoughts contradict each other and you're not even sure what it means to be yourself #but the answers are all in me. i still believe in myself. i'm proud of what i have achieved. that will never change #alphinaud kin !!! he's my baby boy for a reason #but urgh i rlly just want to do wtvr i want but i'm afraid of how it might affect others. #what if i unintentionally manage to hurt someone or make them anxious? T_T so then i want to hide #it's a cycle bcs i want and can do what's best for myself but anxiety gets in the way. i don't want to be a burden. #n then there's really just a mental block in my head regarding productivity efficiency n my ambitions. n my sleep sches is also fucked up #i don't 'want' others to be involved w stuff abt me. the songs i listen to. the words i write #or perhaps i'm still afraid of the vulnerability that comes with it. that level of honesty and transparency and authenticity is v idealistic