#maybe because of my alienation with most romance/shipping/dynamics the rest of the world depicts.

[lachryphage]

I’m thoroughly enjoying shipping characters that everyone agrees are dysfunctional, and most people characterize their relationship as equally dysfunctional. it’s a nice break from the dynamics of wholesomeness (which I also thoroughly enjoyed btw), but the influence of mainstream relationship ideals still predominates and it’s. tiring.

idk, let me explain, this is so complicated, and though this may end up the length of a short essay, this is a first draft and so we’re going to be disorganized here... I’d also like to make it clear that this is not a critique of shipping, or what people want from relationships, this isn’t meant to be social commentary, I’m simply reflecting on my own personal experiences and desires.

(i.e. I talk a lot about my own personal struggles with understanding where my relationship desires fit into the world)

we all know that the idealized relationship is founded on romantic love. it involves dating with the goal of finding a suitable life partner. a successful relationship ends in marriage, if it does not -- if a relationship ends in break-up -- it is considered a failure.

as queers, many of us recognize the flaws in such an ideal. but I honestly don’t see a radical deviation from this norm. sometimes people like to expand by saying it doesn’t have to be monogamous, or even romantic! it doesn’t have to end in marriage, that a long-term commitment is just as valid. people acknowledge that it’s ok to not want a partner at all, that it’s ok to hook-up for sex without romance, or that maybe you just don’t want anything that could be tangentially related to the ideal relationship.

I never see myself reflected in these acknowledgements. amongst all the labels I do not see one for me (labels are another conversation for another time). some people have tried to apply “aromantic” to me. it’s not true. I love romance, I just can’t do it like other people. I want something that is dramatic. like an intense passion, or something you might see in an french indie film, or anything really that makes a good story. romance is an essential element in many such stories, I am not devoid of desire for it.

but I don’t want commitment. I don’t just mean I’m polyamorous (a label that flatters my figure but those who I see wearing it are not like me), I mean the thought of waking up to the same people for the rest of my life sounds like literal hell. it’s why QPRs sound awful to me, despite their popularity with the aro crowd. 

to me, the end of a relationship is not only an inevitability that one must accept and not despair over, but something that is as natural as death. so many fear it, and yet there is a beauty and comfort to it. sometimes there is a desire for it, and if that desire comes at the right time in our life, it’s not unhealthy.

so where does that take us -- me -- with shipping?

despite whatever struggles characters may go through, the end goal is still the idealized relationship. and if it doesn’t end as such, if it’s impossible for any reason, it is tragic. it is a source of “angst.” hell, even the deviations that I talked about above are uncommon in fic. again and again, I see people find comfort in imagining their favorite ship in a “successful” relationship -- one that ends in marriage or at least long-term commitment. every time I see such content I feel saddened, alienated, and maybe even a little sick.

and that’s what takes us -- me -- to the dysfunctional ships. people understand that these aren’t going to resolve nicely into an idealized relationship, that it’s often impossible without radical change to the characters, often necessitating a complete divorce from their canon personalities (not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just not for me). these relationships are seen as unhealthy because the characters are bad for each other, they hurt each other, they bring out the worst in one another, and the major symptom of this is radical deviation from the ideal relationship. sometimes, I find something akin to what I might want, but it is devoid of the joy I would find in such a situation.

I know that I needn’t have a label for what I experience (not sure I would use one anyway), I know it’s ok for me to pursue life and relationships in a way that makes me happy, but it weighs heavy on me when even in the most diverse depictions of relationships -- even in fic -- I cannot find myself. I try to form a mental balance by engaging with the wholesome and the tragic, picking out the pieces that I like and keeping them for myself. It’s not rewarding or satisfying, it’s just tiring. 

In my subconscious sits the nagging desire that what makes me happy is wrong, that I am bad for people, that I will make whomever I love unhappy. Just like those dysfunctional ships.

#personal shit #I feel like I'm missing a lot of nuance and maybe not communicating this all to the effectiveness I'd like but