#mauling over why i'm vehemently hunting for positivity and advocating for hope right now

[psalmsofpsychosis]

I'm actually a super duper predictable and consistent person if you look at me from the right angle: basically my whole drive in life is to explore and discover things and people that noone else dares to explore, i live to bring in whatever is excluded and overlooked and kept off the table. Like, my whole entire head is so oriented towards inclusion that i'm always focused on what is [intentionally or unintentionally] left outside the door of a situation and i'll bring it in. I really have no interest in what is already integrated into a context and accounted for, well worn roads and well practised performances bore me to death. So like, the most consistent thing about me is however a scenario is and whatever way the people are behaving, i'm on the opposite side of it, often introducing supposed "conflict" by being a devil's advocate and a contrarian. What is already known and accepted cannot be really explored, it's already overdone, so i'm going down the road everyone drives past and avoids. Attending a funeral? you're gonna find me joking and laughing, not because i necessarily feel happy, but because it's a question noone asks and i love to explore, "are we accounting for the joys of humanity too?" and if there's a flood of performative positivity i'm gonna bring in gloom, it's almost an involuntary reflex. I need all contexts to be complex and inclusive, so i naturally work in the opposite team. It doesn't really mean that i'm with the team, it just means that i need the context to be diverse. I have zero appreciation for any kind homogenised, streamlined and scripted kind of existence.

Where this puts me in regards to parties is, ho boy i'm fun at parties, almost always guaranteed to be dragged into a fight that i did not intend to be in. But also it feels very, very lonely. 98.99% of people have no appreciation for discovery and exploring the mysteries of the world, and even if they eventually end up loving what you brought to the table, they dont love you for introducing something new and unfamiliar into their life, they find it threatening and uncomfortable.

#and honestly #i very very much miss being around people who appreciate me for what i find and bring back to the world of the living #but this post is particularly brought to you by me catching myself at a 3am #mauling over why i'm vehemently hunting for positivity and advocating for hope right now #even though i'm not particularly a positive person #in fact i'm not a negative person neither #i'm an extremely ''brings balance to a context by introducing the opposite of it'' kinda person #and right now we're in peak nihilism and cynicism culture #a pervasive undercurrent of meaninglessness and superficiality and shallow performative gore to everything #and i'm all about the empty spaces; what is absent from the context #so of course i'm looking for meaning and depth and intricate complex nuanced experiences #and the soft tenderness of life #and people around me are like ''oh so those are your values :) '' and they're not #i dont work with values i work with negative spaces and What Is Not Included #and i can switch teams very easily #by the simple fact that i'm a contrarian. Like the moment i feel clocked i start to get itchy #because i dont care for this or that; whatever is predominantly enforced i'm on the opposite side of it #i'm really just here for diversity and complexity ¯\_(ツ)_/¯