#like. yknow how some people make some part of the body lighter cuz it's like not in the front ? yeah i guess i was trying to do that

[obscuritian]

i love cj!evelin they're so gender

#cloudjumpers #cloudjumpers au #warning for the next tags: i just start rambling #i saw vik post their ref sheet a while back somewhere and i just went oh em gee? new blorbo obtained? #i didnt read the comic at that time time though i didnt know jackshit about cjau im sorry im late to things #i bingeread it last night cuz i was bored as hell and was like hey. didnt i say i wanted to draw eve. hm. and so i got to scribbling #im not even into tmc anymore but some aus just get a grip on me help #i also havent been drawing much in recent months so i tried to get back into the groove #so i tried to use this absolutely iconic to my brand brush of mine again cuz coincidentally i haven't used it in a hot minute #but i kinda just. went insane with it i think. #ALSO I WAS LISTENING TO JJBA STONE OCEAN OST DURING THIS AND I THINK YOU CAN SEE IT IN THE ARTSTYLE CRYINFFFF #tbh though. i think eve would like jolyne as a character........... #sorry sorry my autism. i have a jojo's bizarre adventure special interest #btw i added some headcanons have fun looking for them #the wing isn't one of them though that was just a stylistic choice #like. yknow how some people make some part of the body lighter cuz it's like not in the front ? yeah i guess i was trying to do that #fyi im not posting this to twt :saluting_face: #maybe i will on priv or something idk i'll see #xerv signing out now i talked too much

[cutlikediamonds]

060723

some good things happening actually, how lovely.

ive been 149 two days in a row now so i think im officially out of the 150s and im so fucking happy about it <3 also i slept in today and now my class is in a few hours and then after that its gonna be night and everyone in my house will be going to bed so they wont pester me about dinner, esp if i say oh i slept in and i have my class now ill eat eventually. this is the feeling of control that im always longing for when i say i wanna relapse, days like this where things just work out and i feel like a master manipulator and like my own god even when its truly not that deep and all im doing is,, undereating lmao. but idc. all that matters to me is my class and my weight and if i have a good day with both, nothing can beat that.

my best friend is going away to another state for a summer program, todays her going away party but i cant be there because of my own class. and i think her leaving is mentally representing a lot in my head because shes one of the healthiest friendships ive maybe ever had and shes just like objectively one of the best things in my life right now and has been for the past school year and obviously im gonna text her and probably visit her at some point but like, something about her leaving makes me feel like im allowed to be reckless and self-destructive again. that sounds unhealthy and it probably is, but the nice part is i dont feel anxious at all about her leaving so like woohoo for non anxious attachment.

i think im in the middle of some kind of journey right now, or several journeys that are paralleling each other. been doing tarot readings more often and they only confirm it lol. theres a lot that im unsure of but theres a lot that ive learned and im very sure of and i feel like im entering something new and i think for the better. even though i am relapsing with this, i dont know how to explain it. god i know how delusional i sound. theres no way im in a good place when im so obsessed with my body like this again, if anyone else was talking like this i would find it concerning but for me specifically it just makes sense yknow?

i ordered that book, the body keeps the score, about trauma and how it affects your body and how to help heal yourself through that. cuz thats what it really feels like, it doesnt feel like a relapse it feels like finally having the relationship with my body ive wanted to have. i like eating the same things over and over, i like eating the 'lighter' versions of things, i like eating things that other people find plain or boring, i dont care what people think of it thats how i feel comfortable eating. and i like to move my body, i like exercising and making it my routine and i do feel off when i skip it. is it really a relapse if im just listening to my body and my body happens to be a little bit weird about a few things? i dont know. i dont know.

but im excited for the book cuz i want to have a more like,, spiritual connection with my body. cuz thats the only route i know will make me actually develop habits that will last. if i only develop routines for weight loss or out of guilt i know they wont last or theyll backfire, but if i develop those routines because they make me feel calm and grounded and in control and at peace with my body and mind for once, i will absolutely stick to that. and i think its better to do that instead of leaving it up to habits like self harm or drugs to feel false senses of peace yknow?

i know how i sound. its confusing. i hear myself and sometimes think im right and sometimes think i sound delusional but i dont know. its been a while since i didnt know so much, since i was experimenting and open to being wrong so much - about my sense of self at least. i feel like i havent had much time to check in with myself like this, at least not at this very unique situation where im at home again and i feel like the real me from school and the old me from home are merging and now another new me is underway.

i dont know! we'll see what happens. i wanna lose this weight, i wanna be 140 for the fall so bad, and i wanna ace this class so bad without having mental breakdowns over it. thats what i want. to accomplish something physically and accomplish something mentally and do both without ever feeling like my soul and emotional well-being was sacrificed for it. thats what i feel like im stumbling through right now, thats the new journey i think.

its still hard, i have the self awareness to know i dont have a great history with this, especially surrounded by family members who are constantly unintentionally enabling such toxic thought patterns about eating but i also am aware enough to know that im fucking strong and ive been around this block a million times and i wont be held back anymore. i have this vision of myself, a future self, my ideal self, and its never felt so attainable.