#like yes maybe they're inferior to regular cake but a cupcake is better than no cake at all

[notjanine]

i’ve never before felt that year-end need to reflect on the past 12 months of growth, but if you’ll forgive me for being a little sentimental on main...

look, i know a lot in the world has sucked, but no question, this has been the best year of my life? it still doesn’t feel totally real. but at the same time that feels silly to say, because all i did was like. go to school. 

but last year, 2017, i was ready to die. i mean, i’ve been suicidal for practically my entire life, since i was four or five years old (when my sister was in first grade, the father of one of her classmates killed himself, and learning that that was An Option was an epiphany of sorts for me). i always had a suicide plan in my back pocket, ready to go if need be, but last year i was really and truly done, ready to live one final summer and peace out. 

and looking back, i still can’t believe just how sick i was. i was in pain literally every day for YEARS. i couldn’t leave my house for weeks at a time. i was often so weak i couldn’t even lift my tiny dog or walk to the mailbox. and i’m so grateful none of my fainting spells left me with any concussions or broken bones. some days i was too tired to speak. i was barely alive.

then i finally found a doctor who (gasp) AGREED that that was not an acceptable way to live one’s life, and maybe i, an adult woman, COULD make an intelligent and reasonable decision about what to do with my body. so got to say a glorious goodbye to my uterus (tmi fun fact- my last period started while i was seeing mother!, which is hilarious, and also coincidentally the same day cassini died). but whatever, that was 2017!

turns out that was exactly the correct decision, and i started getting better like. fast.

so in 2018:

i knocked out 37 college credits (with straight A’s!)

went on two fun trips- a little one up to dc for my birthday and a big one driving to california with my sister (i saw a desert for the first time in my life and the pacific ocean and the vast expanse of the flyover states from the ground which was terrifying in a way that is the exact opposite of claustrophobia) 

i did brunch with friends on the weekend?? several times. this a dumb thing, but one i never would have done before

got into the best shape of my life. i’ve always been the weak, fragile baby of the family, and somehow, in this past year, i’ve done a complete 180 and now i’m The Strong One

have NOT gotten so stressed out that i impulsively cut off half my hair (this has been a go-to move for me since before i can remember)

the most weird and unexpected change- i’ve almost completely stopped having nightmares. i’ve had them every night (that i’ve slept, anyway) for, again, as long as i can remember (i do remember the earliest ones, from age 3 or younger). this is so bizarre to me. i’ve still had a few this year, some actually worse than what i’ve been used to (like panic attack inducing flashback type shit about my dad), but nothing like the multiple a night i that i’ve been having for my entire life before this.

i’ve tried so many new things, gone to new places, picked up new hobbies, and done a lot that i never would have CONSIDERED before this year. base level aspects of Who I Am have changed in a way i did not know i was capable of.

it hasn’t all been perfect. my health still isn’t where i want it to be. i’m still a deeply angry person who struggles with depression (and yeah i’ve continued to  indulge some unhealthy coping mechanisms i should have left in the past). i’ve still seriously considered killing myself, but only a handful of times, rather than the constant malicious whisper of the easy potential of escape that’s been with me nonstop for the previous 20+ years. my mom finally sort-of admitted partial responsibility for some of the trauma my sister and i suffered in our youth, and our relationship may be irreparably damaged because of her attitude about it.

but it’s okay, because i’m still improving. and for the first time in my life i feel like i have a future? ngl, i am wondering if everything this past year has just been a result of the joy of a newfound freedom i’ve never experienced before, if i’ve actually changed at all. i don’t know. i guess the only way to be sure is with time.

#again i'm putting this under a read more but tumblr doesn't always keep it that way #so sorry if the full thing is taking up space on your dash!!! if you're annoyed by it know that i'm just as embarrassed by it #also 2018 is the year i switched to sports bras instead of regular bras and ladies i recommend it #more comfy and easier to wash and cheaper #and definitely cuter too if you're above like a b cup #maybe i'm just turning into a jock and embracing athleisure but gosh what a life upgrade #also this year i've decided to downgrade my hatred of cupcakes #like yes maybe they're inferior to regular cake but a cupcake is better than no cake at all #(i had a rose and pistachio cupcake (and some alfajores!!!) at a bakery in san francisco and it was so good i'm still fucked up ab it) #ANYWAY this might be the most i've ever talked about just myself in my life this is more than i'd say about myself in therapy #i'm tired and i want to go to bed now