#like they could have genuinely maybe recovered from the captain killing if it hadn't been for the spy thing.

[tvxcue]

i can feel myself returning to who i was in early 2020...............

#just reread a nieyao fic that ruined me before and remembering when i just wanted things to be nice for them >.< #like they aren't people that are meant to survive what they have is not smth that is meant to survive. #like they just cannot work together fundamentally but also if they could......they could work so well. #they DID work so well and that's the thing. they know they can be so good together bc they used to be something. #but now they're nothing and also they're something worse and they can never get that back. #i really enjoy toxic nieyao but sometimes someone makes them sweet in a way that computes in my head with who they are #and it makes me wanna cry bc nie mingjue literally cried as he threw meng yao out of qinghe. #he was furious and he was betrayed and he was heartbroken and he was crying. and then the first time he sees jin zixuan after he asks how #meng yao is......he's so eager to know he just wants to know that everyone worked out for him like he wanted............... #like they could have genuinely maybe recovered from the captain killing if it hadn't been for the spy thing. #but also if it wasn't for the spy thing they all probably would have died. it was literally impossible for them. #speaking