#like just another reminder to throw out in the void that recovery isn't linear and to be gentle on yourself

[elytrafemme]

see the weird thing is that i’m literally the happiest i’ve been in my entire life, right? like ever since i’ve turned 16 i’ve lived a momentously better life; i have a lot of self confidence, i have a reliable friend group that cares about me, other close friends in general that i can communicate well with, a girlfriend that i’m really compatible with, a good family structure, a better grip on my toxic habits, etc. like i’m just genuinely such a happy person by default, and part of that is because i’m not actively undergoing any trauma anymore.

so now i’m confused. because despite literally all of that, for the first time in a year, i have been having the same breakdowns, feelings, and responses to everything that i had when i was actively in a traumatic situation. but nothing is happening. i don’t have any new memories that i didn’t already have for years. so what the hell is going on.

#nightmare.personal #don't reblog #posting here because i'm sure there's a positive spin to be taken from this #like just another reminder to throw out in the void that recovery isn't linear and to be gentle on yourself #a reminder that other people might need and i probably need to #but this is also. i mean this is incredibly vulnerable but i do say it because it's such a strange experience #the only reason i'm noticing this is because the biggest way i used to handle things when i was 13-15 was with anger #and for a while i still dealt with being hot-headed but that's just like part of my personality less than a disordered thing #but now it's returning back to like uncontrolled rage and distrust #which is... really weird. #and despite what you'd think the nightmares aren't clarifying much. half of them are stupid extrapolations of my media of choice #some of them are recollections but then again i literally already had access to that #the memories i don't have are being locked away that's very clear to me but considering i can like guess what they are #it's not really like those are somehow seeping in to bother me? #this is just odd because yes obviously i still am mentally ill but this past year what i've experienced felt mostly like- #-building off of the way i've behaved my entire life #these are very specific behaviors that i had mostly in very late 2020 to mid 2021 #it's just. very very odd. and i don't know what's causing it. #i want to blame the entities in my head just for the sake of having something to pin it on but i don't think they have the ability to- #-control my emotions like that. huh. #okay sorry for this being like a lot tm but i wanted to get it out there