#just wrote that line and started losing my shit bc again i'm on like hour 10 of writing today. maybe more? shit i don't remember whatever | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yippee-ki-yoyo · 5 years

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In case anybody's interested in this situation, this is mostly just a vent thing lmao:

My brother updated me earlier about how he's doing with therapy and his new meds and stuff. When he first started therapy, his doctors said he had psychotic depression, bipolar, etc. In the last week or so they've apparently 1) found new meds that are working for him (yay!) And 2) come to the conclusion that he has schizoaffective disorder with bipolar subtype. I'm not especially shocked at this point bc I was told that they were keeping schizophrenia in mind early on but it's still kinda a rocky road, ya know? He told me about some of the stuff going on since I've been out of town and showed me some of the drawings he made when he was deep in a psychotic episodes (they're really cool but the content would also be scary as hell to live through) and some of the dissociation and stuff (waking up covered in mud and thinking "the fuck did I do last night"). Idk it was a lot but I guess I wasn't especially bothered by him being weird or anything. It was more just a shocker bc he somehow kept all this really really well under wraps for years apparently.

He said that his doctors and him think that he might be had symptoms as early as middle school with like flat affect and stuff. I feel kinda guilty that we never noticed before now but logically, there's no reason why I, at 15/16/17, would've thought that my brother whos just starting puberty and being kinda a bitch and distant was actually in serious need of help. Even moreso when middle school was a TERRIBLE time for me mental health wise (self harming, suicidal, probably depressed and anxious idk, toeing the line of an eating disorder). Likewise, I don't think it's really my parent's fault either bc it's really really easy to miss. Hindsights always 2020.

Idk I guess the thing that gets to me most is that I'm worried about him. He was telling me about how he developed tardive dyskinesia from one of his meds. Also the suicide note he wrote a while back scared the shit out of me, esp bc I was on a trip in a van full of other people and learned all of this over text and just had to silently process this for two hours. I'm just so scared I'll get a call one day from someone telling me my baby brother is dead. Ik with a good routine and management he'll most likely be okay, I just worry that he'll go off his meds and we won't notice he's slipping again bc he's so damn good at hiding it. I know he wants to do good things and he's looking forward to school so I'm really rooting for him and I can't imagine how devastating and frustrating for him it would be to lose that stuff.

There's also the more paranoid/anxious part of me, which obviously compared to other concerns is far more on the back burner, that knows there's a decent genetic component re:psychotic disorders + mood disorders. Its something that I'll probably talk about with my new therapist once I finally get the chance to set up an appointment and everything (funding stuff is still getting worked out). I'll probably be carrying around a fear for quite a while about developing psychotic or manic symptoms, especially when I'm trying to develop a career in academia in the time frame when psychosis is most likely to develop for me. Its also a higher risk for other mental illnesses, including bipolar and such.

That and the hypothesis that estrogen may be a protector against the development of psychosis (??) and the probably unfounded fear that starting T in my somewhat near future may trigger psychosis or something (let me be clear I'd still 100% do it it would just suck). Anyway, that's probably a more selfish fear compared to the others but whatever. I think it's worse bc I had this period in like early early high school where I was having a lot of social anxiety/depression kinda stuff and I had this fear that I was developing schizophrenia for a while and now that's like not a completely unfounded fear 🙃🙃🙃 Plus id be mad as all hell to have spent so much time and effort getting better and building a better set of coping skills by myself for it to all be ripped apart by psychosis which is definitely NOT something that's managed as easily. Idk idk idk

My main concerns are still with my brother and everything. This, plus my mom being a fucking nutcase (manipulative, controlling, etc.) really just got me fucked as all hell rn but at least I did well on my GRE yeethaw I guess.

#idk what to tag this as lmao sorry #i tried not to get graphic or anything its just overall kinda negative

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damonsbitchx · 7 years

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I'm really tired and I'm definitely crazy but all of them for the number ask thing

Holy shit Esther, okay. Um thanks lol You’re awesome, I love you so much omg.

Answers below the cut bc I’m feeling nice tonight.

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

1. “How Does A Moment Last Forever” - Kevin Kline (Beauty and The Beast)

2. “Belle” - Emma Watson, Luke Evans, Ensemble (Beauty and The Beast)

3. “Make You Miss Me” - Sam Hunt

4. “Beauty And The Beast” - Ariana Grande & John Legend (Lol Beauty and The Beast)

5. “Impossible” - James Aurthur

6. “Aria” - Audra McDonald (Beauty and The Beast)

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Um lets see Jared Padalecki, my soulmate @the-thirteenthhour, tumblr mom Morgan @assbutt-still-in-hell, and a whole lot of my other Tumblr peeps

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“It was unsettling to watch.”

4) What do you think about most?

I think the thought that pops into my head the most is “keep fighting.” I think about it a lot.

5) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

I think someone wrote a song about me once, but they said they lost the paper and I never got to see it. Other than that, I don’t think so.

6) Do you have any strange phobias?

Um yeah, spiders, clowns, spiders, clowns, and did I mention SPIDERS AND CLOWNS?

7) What’s your religion?

I’m a cradle Catholic.

8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

I’m most likely sitting out side for some peace and quiet. Whether it’s snowing, sunny, and especially when it’s raining, I’ll just sit outside and close my eyes.

9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Well I’m not really big on bands or anything, but I really like Panic At The Disco.

10) What was the last lie you told?

I don’t remember

11) Do you believe in karma?

Yeah, but I dont like to let her have all the fun, y’know?

12) What does your URL mean?

Sam Winchester is a reason that I’m alive. Therefore, it’s kind of an answer to a question. “Why are you alive?” - “Because Sam Winchester.”

13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

I think my greatest weakness is how in touch with my emotions I am, it can be problematic at times. I think my greatest strength is my ability to listen and understand people, which in turn, allows me to effectively give advice.

14) Who is your celebrity crush?

JARED PADALECKI

15) How do you vent your anger?

I usually go for a walk or cry it out by myself. If I ever vent to someone then you know I’ve reached my limit.

16) Do you have a collection of anything?

I had a collection of plastic horse toys, kind of like Breyers, but I gave them to my sister.

17) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

I’m not completely content with who I am yet, but I am working on it. I’m happy with how far I’ve come though.

18) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

I hate the sound of people chewing and sniffing all their snot in, instead of blowing it out like a sensible person ????? I love the sound of rain and thunder storms, I also love the sound of violins and wire string guitars.

19) What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if one day I’m not strong enough to fight anymore?

20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

22) Smell the air. What do you smell?

Idk what it is, but it’s got a slightly sweet smell. I think it’s Raspberry Jam.

23) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

One of the worst places I’ve been was probably the wake of my baby niece when I was real small. I can’t remember anything else.

24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender?

The most attractive male singers I’ve ever heard sing are obviously Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki.

25) To you, what is the meaning of life?

Idk about meaning, I don’t know if life has a meaning. I do think everyone has a purpose though.

26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

I don’t drive yet. Too lazy to get my permit lol as well as the fact that where I live you have to log 100 hours behind the wheel with an adult present in order to get your license unless you’re 18, I am not.

27) What was the last movie you saw?

I’m watching Moana right now.

28) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

I tore my ACL (a ligament at the back of the knee) a year ago.

29) Do you have any obsessions right now?

Supernatural, Tumblr, writing, singing, Disney Movies, the ocean, Jared Padalecki/Sam Winchester, acting.

30) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

Yep

31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

I hold grudges for a while, but after so long it gets tiring and pointless. However, if one does not seek forgiveness before I get tired of holding a grudge, they will be cut out of my life. I don’t need that negativity just because you’re too full of yourself to apologize for whatever you did.

32) What is your astrological sign?

Sagittaius

33) What’s the last thing you purchased?

I purchased a thing of Ocean themed earrings.

34) Love or lust?

Love

35) In a relationship?

Yeah, with Netflix.

36) How many relationships have you had?

None

37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

I am very good at reading people, so I lay low for a while and watch. Once I get a good feel for someone I can adjust my personality to fit theirs. It’s why I get along with so many different kinds of people.

38) Where is your best friend?

I have a few. One of them is an entire state away. One of them lives 5 minutes from me, the other two live about 20-25 minutes from me. At this moment, I don’t know specifically where any of them are.

39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Sleeping

40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Yeah, sometimes.

41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Save the dog. I’ll explain it to my boss and if they fire me I can find a new job. I can always find a new job, but that one life is the only one the dog will get. Also, I’m just a big softy.

42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

(a) I don’t think I would tell anyone, at least not immediately. I wouldn’t want to be treated like I’m dying during my last days. I suppose I could tell a few very close people though, I just don’t want to be smothered.

(b) I would drop all the unnecessary responsibilities I have and start doing things that I want to do, but subtly. Still don’t want to be treated like I’m dying.

© I don’t know if I would be afraid. I like to think I wouldn’t, I might just be more sad than afraid. Sad to think about my friends and family having to live without me, sad I won’t get to do half the things I always dreamed of doing.

43) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

“Brother” - NEEDTOBREATHE ft. Gavin DeGraw

“Simple Man” - Cover by Jensen Ackles

44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

A great romantic relationship should consist of communication, understanding, and honesty. Boundaries should be respected, you should always admit when you are wrong and never leave the house or go to sleep mad at each other. The mindset should be best friends before lovers. You should always want what is best for your partner, but always remember to care for yourself too.

45) How can I win your heart?

It’s pretty easy. If you can make me laugh, but also take part in a deep, soul-searching conversation we’re practically married.

46) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Absolutely

47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

The single best decision I’ve made in my life so far was learning to take care of me first.

48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

“Don’t worry bitches, I’ll be back.” Probably not that, but I think it would be funny. Maybe something more like “Here lies: Your mom…. lol jk it’s just me, [insert full name]”

49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “heart.”

All that came to mind was Sam Winchester. *shrug*

50) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?

Green

51) What is your current desktop picture?

A sea turtle

52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

I’d say probably this kid named Billy who goes to my church. If you met him you would know why.

53) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

Oh god, okay well a lot of the time I would be afraid to tell the truth when people ask me if I’m okay. lol but don’t go asking me if I’m okay or anything after you read this cause that’s not cool.

54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Oh, hell yeah, I would totally want super strength or laser eyes.

55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

I think I would relive the half-hour chunk of time from my 5th birthday party when me and my best friend at the time were outside in the cold November fog riding a miniature pony. There were other kids there, but only her and I were excited about it and I would honestly give anything to go back a relive that innocent bliss.

56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

I think I would erase having to lose my horse just March of this year.

57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

I would probably sleep with Demi Lovato or Sabrina Carpenter. This is kind of a hard question because usually I only know singers for their music, not their looks or anything.

58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Obviously, I’d go to see my soulmate. Although, I would have to be strategic about this. I think i would drive to go get her and then buy her ticket (bc mine’s free) and we’d go see mom. ( @assbutt-still-in-hell )

59) Ever been on a plane?

No, I don’t really want to, but I probably will at some point.

60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities.

1. Jared Padalecki

2. Jensen Ackles

3. Misha Collins

4. Gal Gadot

5. Ian Somerhalder (and Genevieve Padalecki, why tf do I only get 5????)

What can I say except you’re WELCOME! Thanks for the questions, they only took me an hour and half to do lol.

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