#just let's eddie pour his messy feelings all over the pet aisle

[readinginthereadyroom]

it’s rage (911 3x05) and the divorce lawsuit arc keeps eddie from reaching out to buck. 

but the thing is. eddie’s been isolating himself. not on purpose. but as a means of coping. with the almost-baby. the would-be divorce. shannon’s death. his family visiting. the ladder bombing. buck’s blood clots. the tsunami. christopher’s ptsd. and there’s no time for anything else. certainly not time for himself. 

and he’ll willingly take christopher to therapy. but won’t give that to himself. he’s not touchy-feely like that. or at least. he doesn’t think he’s allowed to be. 

eddie basically admits it in kids today (911 3x01). look, I know it sucks, but that's life, right? whenever stuff didn't work out for me, my dad always told me to brush it off, keep moving forward. It wasn't easy but he wasn't wrong. 

but instead of that he listens to his team. decides that hen’s I don't know if I should just give him a swift kick in the butt and get him back out there or hug him and tell him that it's all gonna be okay. is the better advice. so he shows up unannounced at buck’s loft. gives him a swift kick in the ass outta bed. hands him a hug in the shape of christopher. he never feels sorry for himself. and it seems to work. for a while. I learned one thing from that tsunami: it's that I don't quit. I fight. because even after the tsunami. after losing christopher during the second wave. eddie still trusts buck. because buck never stopped searching. never stopped trying to find christopher. and that means everything. thank you for not giving up.

but then there’s the fallout. christopher’s having nightmares. and he’s unwilling to talk about them to eddie. he obviously saw something terrible when he was separated from buck. something that he conflates with his mother’s death. something about a woman drowning. 

which is absolutey heartbreaking. especially since there’s nothing eddie can really do. just keep loving him. 

and bosko means well. she and eddie are building their own friendship since the tsunamis. and it’s been growing while she temps at the 118. she gives him invaluable advice when he talks about christopher. that no matter what, her mom shared her feelings with her. however we felt, we were in it together, no matter what.

but she’s also a literal buck stand-in. a temporary coworker and a temporary confidante. especially once the lawsuit is underway. well, there's no way I was gonna call my abuela or the 118, and I'm not allowed to talk to buck.

because buck is trying to get his job back. feeling hurt and betrayed and lashing out. and inadvertabtly hurting those he cares about most. because he told his lawyer about shannon’s death. how eddie never took any time off to grieve. never saw a counselor.

and eddie’s not okay with that. not after the revelation about christopher’s nightmares. the fresh wounds that would leave. because eddie’s a private guy. guarded about his emotions. he’s silly and soft with christopher in their own home. but he’ll cry alone on the beach. 

and maybe buck didn’t say all that to this stranger. this ambulance chaser. but it feels like he did. that buck aired all his dirty laundry. personal things. that buck didn’t have his back. 

but maybe bosko can. she might be a buck mirror in the tsunami eps but she’s also an eddie mirror. she’s not into touchy feely emotions either. and she likes to fight. so she takes him to fake fight club. let’s him work off some steam. 

only it fails spectacularly. because eddie’s not actually mad. he’s not angry. no, he’s hurting. and he doesn’t know how to show it. and maybe that's where our rage comes from. a feeling that our world, our lives are out of control.

and it all comes spilling out in the pet aisle of a grocery store. because buck’s there to apologize and eddie. eddie misses him. I can't even talk to you and you’re not around. 

even worse. christopher misses him. and buck didn’t even realize that.

and there’s a lifetime bad advice is still rattling around in eddie’s head. we all have our own problems, but you don't see us whining about it. no, somehow, we just manage to suck it up. why can't you? and then he says something truly awful. something he doesn’t actually mean.

you're exhausting.

which is to say. eddie’s exhausted. he’s obviously not sleeping, not with christopher waking up to nightmares. and everything feels like it’s out of control. eddie feels like he’s out of control. 

and just when he felt like he was getting some of that control back--buck becoming a fire marshal. a new friend. admitting he’s sad to chris. a week without nightmares--that lawyer takes it all away. makes him feel like he’s still not enough. awakens the old fears that he’ll drag christopher down with him. because he didn’t grieve properly. didn’t let himself feel. and that’s what sparked all of christopher’s problems. 

nevermind that none of it’s true. that it’s just eddie projecting. because he feels helpless. powerless. weak. alone.

and that’s why eddie goes to the private fights. why he continues going. despite the bruises and the beatings. and why he gives buck the cold shoulder in monsters (911 3x06) when he notices them. nothing you need to be concerned with.

because their team is broken. when you decided to sue the department, to make cap the bad guy, did you ever stop for a minute to think what that could do to us? and yeah, eddie’s obtensibly refering to the 118 team. but that little finger waggle gives him away. us as in you and me. us as in you and christopher. us as in the buckley-diaz team.

your actions, your choices, they impact the rest of us. that's what it means to be a part of a team. because eddie’s ready to finish their conversation from the grocery story. ready to listen. because buck’s proven he’s listened too. acknoweldged that he didn’t think about what could happen. that he didn’t mean for it to go so far. didn’t mean for anyone. let alone eddie and chris. to get hurt. 

only he was so mad. at bobby. at the 118. at the world. at himself. and he wanted to punch something. 

just like eddie. 

and maybe that’s what does it. because eddie’s forgiven buck before he can even finish asking. I forgive you. also what it means to be part of a team. because they were the same. they were both hurting. both retreating inward and lashing outwards. alone and suffering for it. 

so eddie puts their team back together. seals all that tough love with a hug. 

and it’s not quite over. they still have some healing to do--eddie’s still cage fighting and buck’s still repairing his relationship with bobby. but now they have each other’s backs. they can heal together. 

because they’re on the same team. again.

#just rewatched the lawsuit arc #and oof is 3x04 hard to watch #but also i never noticed how sharply the bobby and buck conflict #veers into an eddie and buck confict #once they are face to face in the grocery store #like bobby says NOTHING to buck #just let's eddie pour his messy feelings all over the pet aisle #and all the things eddie says basically boil down to #I'm tired and I miss you #i need you to have my back while i deal with all these messy feelings #and the same for buck! #he didn't feel like eddie had his back with bobby #it's about the team as family #not just the 118 but them #the buckley-diaz team as family #and it's about listening #really listening #to ourselves and those who care about us #and about changing those dialogues when they are toxic #i dunno #lots of feels about this whole arc #it's messy and UNCOMFORTABLE and I know fandom likes to skip over it #or pretend it didn't happen #but i think it's important #maybe because it's messy and uncomfortable #because in the end thier relationship is stronger #because they realize how much they need each other #how lost they were alone #okay enough rambling in the tag #eddie diaz