#it's def leaps of logic & self-directed transphobia all around but it's hard to shake

[satanfemme]

being both gnc and trans is so hard sometimes. it's like, I'll face adversity for being gnc/trans/whatever-strangers-read-me-as, and in addition to the normal base-level difficultly and pain and fear of these experiences, I'll also feel on some level like it's "my own fault" too because this is what I purposefully decided to be.

I often dress/act like a girl but have a deep voice/facial hair/flat chest -- and I opted in for all of those. I spent more money than I can conceptualize in order to medically transition in those ways. while, in theory, I could've saved the money, not transitioned, continued dressing/acting the same way as I do now, and the problem would no longer exist... in theory. ofc logically I know that's not at all how it works. if I hadn't transitioned I would feel even worse. and the way I'd experience & express gender would still be intrinsically different from "cis girl" -- that's true regardless of how my body looks or sounds. which should all go without saying, because I very obviously don't conform to my CAGAB either. if I did I wouldn't be in this mess!! u know?

...but the self-blame is still there, because for better or for worse I did go out of my way to become myself. <- feels like a truism.

#the other big self doubt-y issue I've been experiencing lately re: being gnc and trans #is feeling like I'm ''faking'' something. to sooo many people I've just come out as a femme/nonbinary man #with no mentions of my cagab cause that's not something I like to share around irl lol #and then I complain ofc about how I'm treated for being feminine. and everyone gives me sympathy which is nice #but it's hard to fully accept cause I wonder how many of them are assuming I was shunned the same way growing up. #when in reality I was punished for not being feminine *enough*. #and ik it shouldn't/doesn't matter in this context. I still struggled then and I still struggle now; they don't cancel out #but it almost feels like I ''tricked'' my way into a marginalization that I don't ''actually'' belong in. idk #like as if I'm ''secretly'' a girl and just pretending my normal girlhood is subversive for attention #or like I should have just been content with the relative safety of my assigned social role #(hm... where have I heard ''why can't you just be ok with being a girl?'' and ''they're just doing it for attention'' before 🤔) #it's def leaps of logic & self-directed transphobia all around but it's hard to shake #and there's a real fear somewhere mixed into it all too of ''what if someone finds out my cagab and decides I'm not actually trans/a man - #- by *their* transphobic logic. even if they previous supported me''. #anyway I hope no one minds the long vent-y post. I needed to sort out my emotions here lol #I have an old ''omg I love being confusing and ambiguous XD'' post gaining notes rn for some reason and #seeing it again while mentally working thru the above just made me feel ill and confused and guilty. feeling better now <3 #and I do love being trans & I love being a femme & I love being a man with a broad and fluid gender #it's just hard too sometimes