#it just fundamentally changes your ability to depend on other people and it isn't fair to anyone involved

[pixesemma]

I dreamt of my former best friend today and woke up crying. She froze me out of her life 2 years ago and I still don't understand why. I can take emotional distance from anything else yet this creeps up on me once in a while to ruin my day.

#idk man I'm just feeling sad and lonely #like i didn't even do anything like wallowing while awake this time i just woke up with my brain being like #Yeah wasn't it nice when you still hung out with someone you basically wanted to platonically marry? Sucks that doesn't happen anymore huh. #Like Yeah does is actually? fuck you too? #i mean there's still our other friend who's been studying abroad for a few years. she should be back for good this summer #but her family moved across the country in the main time so she's not even near me #and it was always the three of us against the world. it feels like something broke there with her too. that's unfair to her ik #but i used to base part of my mental health on the solid base knowledge that my friends loved me and that pillar crumbled under my feet #like i think she loves me. but do i know? i thought so but apparently sometimes people you love *do* just get tired of you and leave #like huh who knew. seems my social distrust was right all along! #like there's no trust there anymore and i can't mister up the same strong feelings even if she *literally didn't do anything* #it's genuinely not her fault and I'd never tell her that either #it's just... every time i think about this for a moment i understand how people must feel when their partner of a decade cheats on them #it just fundamentally changes your ability to depend on other people and it isn't fair to anyone involved