#in case it's not obvious i had and still have a serious case of emetophobia

[gobbluthbutagirl]

like on some level i do recognize that i likely have at least mild ocd. but in no way shape or form do i accept it

#i know i just talked about the numbers but trust me if that's all there was to it i wouldn't be saying this #it's the checking too. the constant checking #like as a kid i'd have to make sure i locked the bathroom door like 3 times and make sure no one was behind the shower curtain at least once #over the years it's evolved to needing to Constantly refresh websites #or rather close the tab bc seeing tabs bothers me then reopen it 15 times in the next hour #and i Always have to reread stuff i write. like posts texts etc etc etc. before i send/post and then again after #and then there's the whole 'x happened bc you did y' and/or 'x will happen if you don't do y' #i just CANNOT disconnect unrelated events from each other #like i still to this day can't shake the thought that carrie fisher died bc i shoplifted a lipgloss from walmart the week before #and when my dad was in the hospital it was 'if you don't make this exact amount of croissants at work your dad will die' #for the record i made the croissants. and he's fine #and like as a child when i still believed in god it was very intertwined w religion #like i HAD to say a silent prayer every day when i first woke up before and after every meal and at least once every hour #and it went like (warning: cringe ahead) #dear god: please do not let me die today. please do not let me get the stomach virus today. and please do not let me throw up today #i thought i was sooooo smart listing both the stomach virus and throwing up lmao #in case it's not obvious i had and still have a serious case of emetophobia #but i did this every day for like a year until sixth grade started and i encountered bigger problems #the funny thing is i actually HAVE been told by more than one mental health professional that i have ocd #but in both cases it was someone who most definitely did not know me well enough to make that judgment so i choose to disregard